Vitamin D

Wednesday I was in a rut. I was grumpy and bored and tired and my back hurt really bad. I was making plans to go visit my old coworkers next week, and it made me really start missing my teaching job. I started to feel trapped in our little house. Nathan came home for lunch, like he always does, and I decided to take him back so I could have the car.

I didn't know what I was going to do, but I figured getting out of the house was enough. Sadie fell asleep and I figured I could just drive around during her nap, blasting some music, turning off my brain, and then it would be time to pick Nathan up from work. But Sadie decided a 30-minute nap was the thing to do. She was wide awake and getting restless. I didn't want to drive home just to sit there, but I was also being grumpy and didn't want to take the effort of getting out and doing anything. I was seriously being such a boob.

But I put on my big-girl panties, got a diet coke from McDonald's, and took Sadie to a park near Nathan's work. It's amazing how quickly the sun can lift my spirits, and how quickly playing with my little lady can remind me why I left teaching in the first place.

I have worked since I was 14. Most of the years I was also going to school. Even when I graduated college and was teaching full-time, I went back to school to get my reading endorsement. I have loved all the jobs I've had and my schooling. I felt like I really changed some lives, mine being one of them. Leaving teaching was hard. It's still hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes I look at the clock and think about what period it would be and what I would be teaching. I miss my students. I miss my coworkers. I miss bringing in a paycheck. I miss the feeling I would get as I see my students progress. I never thought I'd be anything close to a "career woman," but it turns out, my job was really important to me.

Life is very different now. It's very slow-paced. The person I spend 99% of my day with, can't actually have a conversation with me. There are days when I wake up, and have literally nothing planned. It can be daunting sometimes. It leads me to be even more lazy than I should. "Why get out of bed before noon if we have nothing going on today?"

But that just leads me to be sad and grumpy. And that's the last thing I want to be, because my life is pretty dang awesome. Sure, I miss teaching. But there were several months while I was teaching where I would cry on my lunch break and just pray to be pregnant. I work hard not to forget that this life I have now, is the one I have prayed for for years. I gave up something I loved doing, for something I love even more. There's no place I'd rather be than home with Sadie.

So are some days hard? Yep. But now I know I just need to get out to the park and feel the sun on my face. I need to watch Sadie feel grass for the first time and make a funny face. I need to watch her giggle when the winds blows in her face, and laugh myself as she talks to the trees for 40 minutes. And then my sweet husband gets to join us and make it all complete, I'm a lucky lady, and I am going to do my best not to forget it.