This pregnancy has been so incredibly different than my pregnancy with Sadie. Not just because this dude kept me sick for 23 weeks, made it hard to breathe by 20 weeks, and is now giving me the worst heartburn I've ever had. Aside from me feeling slightly like death many days, this has been such a smooth and calm pregnancy.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Sadie, I checked for blood several times a day, almost expecting to miscarry. Then I got horrible pains in my side that took a couple ultrasounds to diagnose. (Turned out to be cysts). I emotionally distanced myself from the pregnancy until around 20ish weeks. I had a lot of guilt when I finally did connect with her. I cried a lot. I stressed a lot. I woke up in the middle of the night several times to sneak into the living room and check for her heartbeat on my doppler. I panicked anytime I didn't feel her every hour. We had a scare in her 28 week ultrasound when she seemed to have too much fluid on her brain. We went through several blood tests to find answers. She was flipped the wrong way. She had too much fluid. When we hit 33 weeks, I was pretty much in panic mode every day doing multiple kick counts and praying endlessly that this pregnancy wouldn't have the same outcome. Though it was physically an easy pregnancy, it was emotionally draining.
This time around, I don't stress often. I have a doppler, but only used it a few times in the beginning. I haven't cried once about the fear of losing this baby. I don't feel guilt over being excited about him. I had one slight worry over not feeling enough movement, but it ended quickly. All his ultrasounds have shown everything looking perfect. He's flipped the right way. He has a normal amount of fluid. I don't panic over every little pain. I thought the other day, "Wow this pregnancy has been really calm and smooth. Nothing like Sadie's. Way more like.. Madelyn's.."
Then cue the panic that's been absent the past 7 months.
Suddenly I realized that I worried about losing Sadie the whole pregnancy, and I kept her. I didn't worry about losing Madelyn, and I did lose her. And now here I was, not worrying about losing the baby again. I'm stupid and a little superstitious, and suddenly I could see all these similarities between the two pregnancies. Then the worry came in. Madelyn was due about 2 weeks before this guy. All the dates and milestones have lined up with what I had before. It didn't help that this weekend was conference weekend. It was during the Saturday morning session of general conference 3 years ago that I can remember feeling the last really big movement from Madelyn. It's hard, but I always associate spring conference with that. I laid on the couch during the morning session yesterday doing kick counts and trying not to overthink. He moved more than plenty all day yesterday, but I still had that pit in my stomach.
Nathan let me sleep in this morning. I woke up around 9, rolled over and was scrolling through my phone when I realized I hadn't felt the baby move yet. He usually wakes up right as I do, and that familiar feeling of panic and fear swept over me. I lay there for a second before whispering to Heavenly Father that I was scared, and I didn't want to be. I didn't want this peaceful pregnancy to turn into what I had before. I felt as if I might cry, when I suddenly got a big kick to my side. I couldn't help but smile. I felt my heavenly father's love for me, and I felt the sweet spirits of both Madelyn and this new guy coming to us. I felt peace that everything would be okay.
I went onto spend the day listening to words of comfort and peace from the leaders of my church. They filled me with more comfort, and I knew, no matter what, I'd be okay. As I type this, my new little boyfriend is kicking away and I can't help but feel that I am going to get to know those little feet very well over the next few years.
