when "worst case scenario" becomes your scenario

Thank you for all the beautiful and positive responses, emails, comments, letters, and calls about Madelyn's Story. It was a hard story to write but I am so glad that I did. Thank you, for your continued support during this time.

I have wanted to say more on this time in my life. To say it's the hardest thing I have ever gone through would be an understatement, and I know documenting my emotions may help me and others in the future.

But what do you say when "worst case scenario" becomes your scenario? Becomes your life? I have heard a million stories about third trimester stillborns, but I never thought I would be able to relate to them.

My days go back and forth. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes I wake up feeling fine.

It's been hard recovering from the normal pains from labor. It was hard when my breast milk came in. But in the strangest way, I don't want either of those things to go away. They are my ties to her. The only real proof I have that I gave birth. The only things that make me feel like a mother.

A coworker brought us dinner the other night and it threw me back into the "real world." I don't want to be in the real world. Nathan and I have been cooped up, spending 24/7 together since last Thursday night when we found out. Even though there has been great sadness, we were together and safe to let it all out. Even though I love my dear, sweet coworker, her presence reminded me that not only do I have to face this tragedy, I have to face life again. She asked me questions about my plans now that I will not be a stay-at-home mom. Decisions have to be made. Decisions I don't want to make because I wasn't supposed to have to make them.

I am still finding my strength in the Gospel and in the knowledge that she is where she should be and is so much happier than she would be here. My heartache is selfish in that way, but it's very real. The hardest thing is loosing the future we had planned with her.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith

There are times when I can almost feel her with me. I felt her in the hospital. I was holding her lifeless body, but I felt her spirit there. I felt her Monday night when I held our new kitten in her bedroom and cried because as sweet as our kitty is, I planned on holding a baby in that room. I felt her as I typed out her story. I am so thankful for those moments where the veil seems thin and she doesn't seem so far away.

I know she loves me and misses me too. I know she wants me to be happy. And I know that I will be.

I do feel like I am handling this whole situation much better than I could have imagined, but there are plenty of weak moments. It's know it's important to feel the sadness and not always be strong. I know it's important to grieve and to let my heart break. I just wish it wasn't.

So what have I learned needs to happen when worst case scenario happens? We have to go on. Slowly, one step at a time. We have to trust in the Lord and trust in ourselves and the strength that we might not even know we have. We have to cry. We have to be sad. But we also have to hope and look forward. I'm working on that part right now.

I have found so much peace and comfort in this talk. Please, take a minute to read or watch it. It is given for those who have lost children, but really can be applied to any death or any hard time in our lives. It gives me hope. I can't wait to be with Madelyn again. I know I will be.

"I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.. I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy." -Shayne M. Bowen

Madelyn's Story

Madelyn Rose Merkley was born on Saturday, April 13th, 2013 at 7:30am 

 She was 3lbs 13oz. 

17 and 1/2 inches long. 

She was a perfect angel. 

She had already passed away a few days before, but she is my daughter, and she deserves a story.
Even if it is a hard story to tell. 

I was 34 weeks along when I realized I wasn't feeling Madelyn as much anymore. She had been incredibly active in the past and I thought this was strange. Many people assured me that this was normal. That she had gotten so big that there was little room to move around. I tried to tell myself this over and over, but my anxiety got too great and Nathan and I headed to the hospital on Thursday after work. 

I knew almost instantly that she was gone.The nurse looked for the heartbeat and couldn't find it. She told me that it might just be the machine, but I knew. She got out the ultrasound machine and looked around for a while telling us nothing. I didn't want to hear what I felt I knew, so I didn't ask any questions and she left to go grab a doctor. It was the doctor who confirmed had been my greatest fear. 

"It looks as if, for some reason, this baby didn't make it." 

 I will probably never forget those words or the feelings that washed over me. They called my doctor and left us alone. I cried like I have never cried in my entire life. Nathan is not a crier. I have not seen him cry since the night before he left on his mission, but he cried like I've never seen. We held each other and cried for a good 20 minutes. There was nothing else I could think of to do. 

After the tears slowed, we talked about what comes next. It was there on that little hospital bed that we made a decision. 

"Do we let this ruin our lives? Do we let this consume us?" 

We decided we weren't going to. 

We would grieve. We would cry. We would be sad. But we would not let it consume us. We would focus on the bigger picture. We have the Gospel. We have the Plan of Salvation. We knew we were sealed together forever, and she was sealed to us. We know all things happen for a reason and we know that our little girl was much better off than we were. She was with her Father in Heaven. She was happy. And we would be okay. 

My doctor joined us and she cried with us. We got our questions answered. We made some decisions. We would go home that night and try to sleep. We would come back to the hospital and I would be induced and deliver the baby. We were left alone again. We told my mom first. She immediately started planning her trip out here. My mom is the greatest mom. Your argument is invalid. 

The next few hours were spent driving around Salt Lake because we didn't want to go home, wandering Walmart, and telling more family members. Word spread fast and our phones were blowing up within an hour with words of comfort and peace. We know some really amazing people. Seeing the nursery when we got home was hard. We held each other and cried in her room for quite a while. It was hard to know the room we spent so long preparing and decorating, would never be lived in by the occupant it was intended for. 

We tried to eat and tried to sleep. Neither were too effective. When we finally gave up on sleeping, we got ready and left for Kneaders. I needed a huge meal because I wouldn't be allowed to eat during labor and my doctor informed me that it could take as long as 48 hours. I didn't think I would be able to eat, but I polished off my breakfast. 

We got to the hospital and everyone working there already knew. I was keeping it together until the first worker we talked to said "Hi," in the most sympathetic voice I had ever heard. And then the tears started. They carried on for a while. We were checked in, taken to our room, and told how the process would work. They hooked me up to some machines and found that I had already started contractions on my own. My body had figured out this baby inside me needed to get out. It was a tender mercy to know I wasn't starting from ground zero. I was given a suppository and they continued to monitor me. Nathan gave me a beautiful blessing and we really felt peaceful. 

My wonderful little sister, Jessica, showed up soon after we got there. Her presence brought so much comfort and she helped lighten the mood. It was perfect. We hung out and waited and I got checked several times and then my mom's plane landed. Nathan picked her up and grabbed some lunch and we found out I progressing very little. I was given another suppository and there was more waiting. My mom and Jessica saved us that day. I actually enjoyed myself and we had a lot of fun just talking and hanging out. Jessica was my special bathroom helper and wheeled my IV over to the bathroom with me every 20 minutes. 

Late in the afternoon, my doctor came. I can't tell you how wonderful she is. She brought us the sweetest, most thoughtful gift. She wanted to do all she could to help me progress. She decided to break my water and give me an epidural because my contractions were going to get pretty intense, but it would still be a long time before I delivered. She also got me some food even though the anesthesiologist said no food. She is awesome. 

At this point my nurses changed and I believe another tender mercy was the nurse that was assigned to me for the night. Her name was Brooke. She looked like Reese Witherspoon. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met. Just a few years back she went through the exact same thing. She lost a little girl in utero at 36 weeks. She had named her Laura. Her story was comforting to know I wasn't alone. She took such great care of me. I am so thankful for her. 

 My sweet brother-in-law joined us and we watched some Friends and talked some more. I was started on pitocin and as it got later and later we realized it was not happening that day. Jessica and Marshall went back to our apartment to sleep. Nathan and I got some alone time. He slept on the floor next to my bed that night and held my hand all night. He is my rock. My sweet mother also slept in the room on the little couch. I tried sleeping but had to be woken up every hour to be monitored. Looking over to see those two here with me meant the world. I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. At 630am I woke up to very, very painful contractions. I tried to wait them out but they were incredibly intense and coming every minute. I had to call my nurse and she had my dose upped on my epidural. She decided since she was there that she would check me again. I wasn't expecting much. I was preparing to be there for a whole new day of waiting. When she told me I was ready to deliver I was shocked. Nathan and my mom quickly woke up, we turned the lights on, Jessica and Marshall rushed over, and my doctor joined us. We had done so much waiting I had calmed down quite a bit, but then I got nervous. It was time. I was going to have to do this. Nathan was right at my side. Jessica and my mom wanted to stay as well. They wanted a chance to meet Madelyn. 

 It only took a few minutes to get everything set up and before I knew it, they were telling me to push.

Delivery was very easy. I had my sweet nurse coaching me and my amazing doctor bringing my baby into into this world with tears streaming down her face. 3 or 4 pushes and she was out. They laid her immediately on my stomach and I got the first look at my little girl. I was worried at first about seeing her. Originally, I said I did not want to see her. I wanted them to take her away so I didn't have to face it. I am so glad I didn't do that. They wrapped her up in a blanket and placed her in my arms. I thought I would not feel connected to her since she was not alive, but I was wrong. All those things that people tell you you will feel the first time you hold your child, I felt. I fell in love with her. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had the most perfect lips. She was so tiny. I noticed immediately that she had my nose. She was a little piece of me and a little piece of my Nathan and she was 100% perfect. I could have stared at her forever. 

 Nathan sat with us and we took turns holding her. Watching Nathan hold our baby girl is an image I will cherish forever. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, but he was smiling. He told me later he was feeling the same things I felt- overwhelming love for this angel. We got some pictures of her alone and some pictures of us with her. Pictures seemed creepy at first, but I am so glad we have them. They aren't anything I would ever share with the world. They are personal and very special to me. We won't look at them often to obsess about what we lost, but they are a beautiful keepsake of our beautiful daughter. 

Jessica and my mom took turns holding her and Marshall joined her to meet his niece as well. Then they left Nathan and I alone with our girl. We told Madelyn how much we loved her. Nathan said a beautiful prayer. It was the most precious time. We held her and talked and decided we were ready to say goodbye. Everyone came back in and we said goodbye to her one last time. People asked if holding her was hard. I can say that holding her was not hard at all. Watching her leave was. 

They started cleaning me up and preparing me to change rooms. My mom went home to shower and rest and Jessica and Marshall needed to head back to Provo. Nathan and I moved rooms and were finally able to eat. We watched the movie "Big" while people came into check me and my epidural slowly wore off. A few hours later, they said we could go if we wanted to. I really, really wanted to get out of the hospital. We got my pain prescriptions and lugged all our stuff down to the car. We had wonderful people send beautiful flower arrangements to the hospital while we were there. Thank you all so much. They cheered up some very sad rooms. 

Really I should be thanking everyone. I cannot begin to explain the love and peace and comfort that the words, phone calls, emails, messages, gifts, and prayers have brought to us. We could not have made it through this weekend without them. We have the most incredible people in our lives. The outpouring of love was overwhelming and touched us so much. So thank you, thank you, thank you. A million, billion times over. We could not have born this all without you. 

We are doing okay. The emotions come and go in waves and I know it will be that way for a while. Sometimes I feel a lot of strength and peace. Other moments are not as easy. I will say that leaving the hospital without a baby was incredibly hard. Giving up the plans we had made was, and is, very hard. Life as we know it has not changed much, but the future we planned has changed drastically, and that's a pill that is hard to swallow some moments. I still reach to rub my belly out of habit. It's hard to not have her with me. She has been my constant companion these past 8 months and I miss her. That's what's been hard about being home now; we miss her. We miss her every moment, and probably always will. 

 Blood tests were run on me and nothing was found to be the cause of her death. My doctor believes it was most likely the cord. She said there is often no answer, these things just happen. I feel that way about so many things in life - there is no answer. At least for now. I know that what we go through in this life often seems unfair. It's so easy to give into the, "why me?" It's so easy to concede to that darkness and bitterness. I feel myself teetering there some moments. 

"From time to time, our lives may seem to be touched by darkness... nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Jesus Christ. I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed." 

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

That's the only reason I have survived thus far - my Savior. He is the rock when everything else has crumbled. Nathan and I have leaned on each other and leaned on Him and I know that we can make it though. Our darkness will not last, but the love of our Savior will. I know that Madelyn is with him again. I know the beauty of what comes after this life supersedes anything found on this Earth. I have faith that there was a reason for all of this. All of our trials have meaning and lessons if we care to look for them. 

 “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.” 

-Richard G. Scott 

Things are hard right now and will be for a while, but I know we will be okay. We will go on. Madelyn will stay with us forever, and one day, I will get to be with her again. 

"Some people come into our lives and quickly leave. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

one of those times I just blog my thoughts in a list

+ I can't wear white shirts anymore. They all have big stains right on my giant belly.

+ I started my second-to-last class for my reading endorsement degree last night. I was pretty stoked about this class until he informed us that we had to read 12 novels, 35 picture books, write a report on each of those 12 novels and 35 picture books, read 5 additional novels that he chooses for literature circles, do a giant book project on each of those 5 novels as well as a paper, and choose an author and do a research paper and presentation on his life. And those are just our "projects." That doesn't include homework. We have a massive textbook and articles assigned to us to read after every class and papers to do on those readings. Then several exams throughout the course.You guys. Everyone in this program is already a full-time, employed teacher. We have been in this program for almost 2 years and never has any other teacher dumped this much on us. We usually had articles and text book readings and a short reflection on the readings. Then we would have a big, end-of-semester project. This man is insane to think this is possible with full-time teaching jobs. Most of the people in the class have spouses and kids as well! I feel like this is a really mean joke. I do NOT have the time to read 12 novels, let alone all that other crap. When I get home from work, I usually get on my computer and do more work! Lesson planning, data keeping, paper work.. it never ends. And being pregnant doesn't exactly make me the most energetic person on the planet. The class isn't even a full semester long and we are expected to cram this all in. Not to mention, I will be having a BABY 3 weeks before the class ends. This is going to be fun. Maybe I cried on my drive home.

+ I love tootsie pops lately.

+ The other day I thought I would teach a quick review on punctuating dialogue since my kids should have learned it in previous years. They didn't know what the word "dialogue" meant. When we cleared that up, no one knew what a quotation mark was. So my little "review" turned into a 5 day unit. You should have seen their faces when I was teaching them how to quote a quote within a quote. Teaching resource is always an adventure!

+ I am 34 weeks along today. 6 more weeeeeeks!!! 5 until I am done with work. As long as that little girl stays up in there until then.

+ Today I get to eat Chinese food with Jenna. Mmmm.

+ Watch this video. You won't regret it. My husband sent it to me today and I showed it to my students at the end of our reading class. They were dying and made me replay it 3 times. They loved the rhino the best. Nathan loves the groundhog. I love the flamingo. 

 + Today we are having student body officer elections at the end of the day. So in order to do that, they screwed up our entire schedule. Our periods went like this: 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 5, 6, 2. Seriously. Try explaining that to a room filled with high-stress kids. They were not happy.
+ 2 of my students ran for student body officer and gave such cute speeches.

+ One of my students came into class after using the hall pass and said, "Mrs. Merkley, I missed the toilet." He wasn't even trying to be funny. It was like he felt compelled to be honest with me.

+ I need it to be the weekend. We will be in 80 degree weather with some of my favorite people in the world. I nnneeeeeeeedddd ittt!

+ There's something about 8th graders flirting with each other that makes me feel super uncomfortable and also entertains me to no end.
+ I put a student in time out today. I was half joking, half serious. But I told him when he acted like a preschooler, I needed to treat him like a preschooler. So he sat in silence in the back desk for 5 minutes.

+ Baby girl is flipped the right way (thank goodness) and her head likes to hang out on the left side of my belly button. Makes my left side protrude. It's awesome. He feet like to hang out in the left side of my rib cage. Makes things painful. She really likes the left side of my body for some reason. Not surprising, the left side of my back always hurts. Shoulders down to tailbone.

+ It is seriously only Wednesday? Come on.

+ Arrested Development is only a few weeks away!! I might pee my pants.

+ I was very productive today at work. Blew through half my to-do list. Feels gooooood. Especially since I have elevendy billion things to do before I take maternity leave.
+ "Pimps don't ever let people see their real eyes." Real quote I just heard. They are allowed to have 5 minutes of social time at the end of the day. I overhear awesome things.

+ I've been soooo thirsty the past 24 hours!! I always drink a ton of water every day, but today it was triple. I never don't feel thirsty. That was a terribly written sentence. Especially since I teach Language Arts. I should feel ashamed. Alas, I do not. I also never edit or proofread my blog posts. Katie usually just texts me when there are errors. So I apologize for my quite-often spelling and grammar errors. I am sure you wonder how I became a teacher at all. The truth? I'm not a teacher. I make it all up to impress you!!! Are you impressed?

On that note, I should probably just go.

WAIT! Today is National Sibling Day! I have the greatest siblings in the world.
Graff side

Merkley side

real talk

I'm experiencing a lot of emotions today. A plethora if you will. So bare with me. One of the best ways for me to process emotion is to write it out. Please know I am not asking for advice or sympathy. More just venting my feelings.

Last night I had stressful dreams. Dreams about work- not teaching the kids enough, not finishing my paper work, being too uncomfortable to stand all day and have the energy to teach, leaving. Dreams about family- not getting to spend enough time with them this weekend when they're in town, them moving. Dreams about baby- not having things ready, painful labor. It was a rough night. Plus that whole peeing every few minutes thing.

Spring break ended yesterday. I had kinda let myself not think about the big life changes coming until this point, because spring break was kind of like a wall stopping them from happening. Now it's over. Now there's nothing in the way. In 6 weeks I leave my job and a few days later my baby is due and then my family moves across the world. All these things are going to happen. No vacation is going to stop that.

 I am being honest when I say that I am completely stoked out of my mind to get this baby here. But just this week, I became terrified of labor. I guess it's more fear of the unknown. I know things will be okay, but I'm a control freak. I would like to know EXACTLY how they will be okay. Down to the tiny details. I'm more than ready to be a mom, but this whole pushing a baby out of me thing is what's keeping me from feeling prepared. I have a very low (embarrassingly low) pain tolerance. I am the world's biggest wuss, and I've heard this whole giving birth thing is kinda a big deal. I wasn't scared at all until just this past week. As my due date draws nearer, people seem to think it's a good time to share labor horror stories with me. Even strangers. In the middle of Sunday School lessons. I am not sure why they think this is a good idea.

Leaving work is going to be hard as well; for several reasons. I worked really, really hard to become a teacher and that small, working-lady, kinda selfish part of me really reveled in the success I had in my chosen field. It's also a rewarding job most days. I love helping kids. I love watching them learn. I love special ed. It's a fantastic place to be. I have dreamed of being a special ed teacher since I was 14-years-old. I will miss my wonderful coworkers and the adult interaction I got everyday. I'll miss the paycheck. I'm a teacher, so it obviously wasn't huge, but Nathan and I have lived very comfortably the past year. Selfishly, that's hard to give up. I know I'm leaving this calling for an even more important, rewarding, and beautiful one. This is what I want and what I have dreamed of my whole life, but it's hard to feel that right now when everything is changing. There is also so much I need to do before work ends. IEPs, sub planning, filing, phone calls, meetings, packing up my classroom, lesson plans, even more meetings, not to mention just teaching. I love teaching, but it's exhausting even when I'm not pregnant. Staying on my feet, talking literally all day, and having the energy to keep up with behaviors is getting harder and harder as my stomach gets bigger and bigger.

I also feel stressed because after the baby comes, my family leaves. I have definitely come to terms with the fact that this move is the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. My parents bought a house in England and put their current house on the market this weekend and I think that's adding to my anxious feelings. I realized that after we bless the baby this June, I won't see my parents and brother until Christmas. For some people that might seem normal. For me.. It's terrible. I have never gone more than a couple months without seeing my family, and even then, I at least knew they were a road trip away. Now they are a 10 hour, thousand dollar flight with a baby away. It's all very overwhelming when I think about it.

Spring break was Heaven. Now it's over and real life is back full force; hitting me in the face with all these fears and worries. (Hormones aren't helping). Again, no need for advice and sympathy. I am actually feeling a lot better after just typing this all out. The only constant is change. I've always know that. Nathan and I had a very smooth, easy first year of marriage. I should have known some big changes were heading our way! Amid all the anxiety and fear is so much excitement. Life isn't fun if it's always the same. Plus.. I get to have a baby. A freaking baby you guys!! A piece of me and a piece of Nathan that is ours forever! And we get to go to England! They have Harry Potter there. And cool accents. Change is good. Scary, but good. Now someone keep reminding me of that for the next few months and I should be set.

Babymoonaversary Staycation 2013

Are you guys ready for a butt load chunk of pictures?
Because I have a ton.
And you cannot control the amount of pictures I flood this blog with.
Just another freedom you have lost thanks to Obamacare.

So this weekend/weekish we had our babymoonaversary staycation. For the untrained mind, that means we celebrated our anniversary as well as our last trip without a baby all while staying in the comfort of our own home.Originally, we were going to head down to St. George to celebrate but then we decided the money spent on gas, hotel, and good could be instead used to do fun things in Salt Lake and to buy present for ourselves and baby. Also, food.

So here's our celebrations! This should probably be split into a few posts.. but.. I don't care.

Thursday and Friday were the first two days of my Spring Break. All that really happened was that I went to the doctor and walked around Liberty park a bunch of times. One day I wore my moccasin slippers because they are comfortable and I am carrying an extra load and people gave me funny looks. Oh well!

I met Nathan for a picnic on Friday. You guys, the sun was so hot, it was burning my legs!!! It was soooo awesome!!!!!! We met at one of our favorite parks down town. It's getting to the time of the year when I absolutely fall back in love with this city.

When Nathan came home Friday night, we started celebrations the only way we know how: Del Taco and frozen yogurt. Then we browsed Deseret Book and Michaels.

 We came home and crafted all night while watching Friends. Nathan is a big sport for endlessly painting frames for me. I made him do a million coats. But by the end of the weekend, I had finished all the crafts for the little lady's nursery! I don't want to post pictures until the nursery is finished though.

 

Saturday we decided would be our anniversary, even though it's technically this weekend. But Conference is this weekend and my family is in town, so we celebrated early! We slept in, then went to City Creek for lunch.

On our first year dating anniversary, we did a "trip down memory lane" kinda thing where we visited places that were important to us and our relationship. Since that was 5 years ago, we decided to do it again! It's so fun to drive around Salt Lake and remember all the things we have done. We are super cool people, you guys.

We went shopping and bought ourselves way too many anniversary presents. (Picking out your own presents is the best sometimes). We also bought a special outfit for our little girl. My parents just bought their house in England and we are getting very excited for Christmas over in Europe! This will be her "bashing around London" outfit.

After a nice nap, Nathan surprised me with dinner at The Roof! I was so stoked. With my pregnancy appetite, a fancy buffet is the most perfect thing in the world!

This is me, all ready to eat!

I got a "dirty diet coke" which sounds alcoholic but basically it's filled with lime and coconut and it changed my life.

So much food.. ohhh it was Heavenly.

Then we played around on Temple Square

Sunday was Easter and candy and Church and candy and happiness and pork roast with mashed potatoes and A LOT more candy! We also found a new park we love. We really enjoy parks. But only if they have ducks.

Donuts, drives, dinosaurs, and 3D on Monday. That's all you really need to know.

Today is devoted to laying around, doing nothing, and pretending we don't have to get back to real life tomorrow. Oh real life. You suck.

I applaud you if you read to the end. It was such a fun and relaxing break. I feel completely recharged and ready to finish out these last few weeks of work. I am so thankful to have had the chance to spend so much time alone with my awesome husband. Life is gonna change big time next month, so it was fun to be lazy and kinda irresponsible for a few days. We made it one year and we had our babymoon (sorry mom, I know you hate that word) now all we need is for this little girl to join us!

8 months

This whole "I'm gonna have a baby" thing is starting to get very, very real.

• This month started the uncomfortableness that I was told about. The achy hips times ten. Leg and foot cramps. Back pain that doesn't go away. Baby feet in my ribs. Nerve pain in my tailbone. Trouble breathing. I feel VERY pregnant. But I like it! While these things are inconvenient and certainly no picnic, it's fun to feel pregnant and to know it's getting closer! The more uncomfortable I get, the closer baby gets. So bring on the uncomfortableness!
• Bending over is near impossible. When I do have to do it, I can feel my organs smooshing. Gross, right?
• She moves so freaking much! It's so weird! I wear a badge around my neck at work that rests on my stomach and more than once, she has kicked me so hard where it hangs that my badge has flown a bit into the air. It's hilarious. I can see her moving all around. She will make my stomach bulge out on one side. We can see where her feet are and head is sometimes. It's so much fun. We will lay in bed and just watch my stomach move. It's the best entertainment. 
• The movement is way different than before. While she still kicks sometimes, it's more that I can feel her move. I feel her roll around and all kinds of stuff. I love it.
• I want candy all the time. Candy bars. I love candy bars.
• I can't sit very long. 20 minutes max and then I need to stand. But then I can only stand for 20 minutes too. I need to constantly be changing positions.
• I love when people ask me how long until I'm due and I can say 8 weeks. THAT'S NOTHING!!!!!
• My limbs and butt fall asleep within minutes.
• I have been having super weird dreams.
• I dreamt about the baby for the first time two weeks ago. I was jealous of the women who said the dreamt about the baby all the time. I was excited to finally have a dream! Even though it was kinda weird. I was trying to breast feed her but she kept falling asleep. And then I had to go pump and teach my dad how to feed her because he was going to be my nanny and I was going back to work.
• Speaking of pee. I do that a lot.
• I'm always thirsty. Which is good because I need a lot of water. But then.. I pee more.
• I can't jog anymore. I was doing very light jogging up until a month and a half ago. Now it's terrible. I feel all my insides go up and then back down and all land on my bladder which of course makes me want to pee. I'll stick to walking from here on out.
• No stretch marks yet. Occasional swelling in my hands and feet. It comes and goes and it's never very bad.
• I remember back a few months people telling me any time I said I was hot that it was because of the baby. That wasn't really true until this month. Back then, I was just hot because I was hot. Nowadays.. I am ALWAYS hot. We have been sleeping with the air conditioning on for weeks and I feel bad for Nathan but even with the AC blasting at night I still wake up sweating. He carries our little portable heater around with him. So very thankful I will have this baby before it gets too hot!
• The hormones of the first trimester are back. I cry at the end of basically every TV show I watch. I am also really impatient and snappy.
• It's so hard to get up! Especially getting out of bed. I have to kinda roll myself over. It's funny.
• I have terrible congestion that I am told will last until the baby comes. I am a nose spray addict and I don't even care! The other night I couldn't find the nose spray before bed and I told Nathan that I would literally die right there right then if we didn't find it. Pregnancy might make me a little dramatic.
• My favorite thing in the world is when strangers ask me my due date or congratulate me. It sounds dumb I know but I swear I'm not just an attention whore. It just makes it all seem more real and exciting! I had people tell me that strangers, as well as friends and family, would be making super rude comments all the time. But I haven't encountered that at all yet. Knock on wood.
• I haven't had strangers rub my belly. People always ask me if I have. I have had people I know rub my belly, but to be honest, it doesn't freak me out. One time a former student saw me in the hall and rubbed my belly and THAT freaked me out. Sorry 9th grade boy, but you are not allowed to touch me.
• I am all approved for my maternity leave! It wasn't very hard considering I am due 2 weeks before the school year ends. I want to stay as long as I can so my students' education doesn't depend on some substitute I don't know. My last day of work will be the 17th. Unless she decides to surprise us early!
• Nursery is almost done. All the furniture is set up, it just needs some decorating, which is the best part!!

We are counting down the days and ripping the links off our paper chain. So excited for this little girl to get here!!

mid-week ramblings

I am 30 weeks pregnant today. For some reason 30 seems like such a HUGE milestone. It's the home stretch. 10 more weeks. That seems like nothing. I couldn't go to the doctor until I was 10 weeks along and that was just a little blip. Can't believe she is going to here so soon!

28 weeks at my parent's house

It's amazing how the happiness and warmth of Spring can make you forget how terrible Winter was. I am already wondering why I thought it was so bad. NOTE TO SELF: WINTER STILL SUCKS. January was terrible! I won't let Spring blind me into believing Winter isn't the worst thing to happen to the Earth.

We made paper chains in my home room class. We went all elementary school! But it's exciting how few rings there are on those chains.

Today we had an early morning assembly. It was the school talent show. I always get nervous for this assembly. Last year was pretty rough. This year was actually pretty amazing! There were a few rough acts, but we have some amazing singers and dancers at this school. And only ONE piano act. There are usually 17.

My home room kiddos are kinda being angels right now. Who says you can't get a room of 20 ADHD boys and 7 well-behaved girls to be dead silent for 30 minutes? Work days are my favorite.

I am so unmotivated at work. I love teaching and lesson planning, but all the paperwork and schedule changes and parent phone calls and testing.. I have to force myself to do them and I am always waiting until the last minute. That whole "getting to work on time" thing is getting difficult. It doesn't help that I am not coming back next year and my boss knows it. She loves me so I don't need to gain her approval. And even if she didn't love me.. well I am quitting anyways!

Speaking of that, I also just had my last JPASS ever!!! It's our school district's formal evaluation. It's intense. But I got "highly effective" in all categories again which is the highest rating you can get. My principal told me that based on my observations, I should teach a class on behavior management and that was probably the best compliment she could give me. I studied behavior management like crazy in college because it fascinated me so much. After my behavior management course, I TAed for that professor twice. I love being good at what I love to do and what I worked so hard for for so many years. I love teaching and I will miss teaching in a formal setting so much!

I am so ready for Nathan to be done with this semester. This semester sucks. He has so much homework and is at school so late! Some nights he is gone from 730am-10pm. Poor boy. He works so hard.

Nathan always wants spaghetti these days. Even on those ate nights when he isn't home until 10, he will text me and ask for spaghetti. So he is chowing down on it at 1030 at night. So weird.

You guys. I love the Bachelor so much and I fall for it every time. I knew at the beginning of the season who was going to win. I can't help it!! I always read the spoilers. But I was mad when I first found out. Catherine hardly ever even talked. She seemed weird. I wanted Des to win. Then the season went on and I fell in love with her! I was so excited for the finale. I loved them together. And you bet your butt I cried. I like to believe they will last. But these bachelors and bachelorettes always break my heart! Also, sweetest proposal on the show so far and most genuine and cute acceptance. Also also, Lyndsey handled things like a freaking champ. Talk about being the bigger person. She was so sweet and supportive. Unlike some of the other ladies who left the season. *coughashleeiscrazycough*

Um.. what am I going to watch on Monday nights now?

So warm weather, right? It's the bomb. I started going back to Liberty Park which is where I have always ran in the past. When I first got pregnant, I went there every day after work until it got too dang cold. It's so fun to be back! Except I definitely can't run anymore. Or jog. It's just a waddle.

I don't think I ever feel like I don't have to pee. Does that make sense? I will pee and leave the bathroom and already feel like I have to pee again. It's this sick, twisted, magic trick.

Nathan and I eat grapes so fast. It's ridiculous. Especially since the ain't cheap these days. We have gone through 3 giant bags of grapes since Saturday. They're like nature's candy!!

We've been doing a lot of work with commonly confused words in my Language Arts class. This week it's been their, there, and they're. I told them one time while dating a boy, he texted me using the wrong form of "there" and I immediately didn't want to date him anymore. They all freaked out and now I have a few boys worried that they will get dumped over their grammar.

All I want for lunch is a Twix.

Over the weekend

This weekend was so much fun! You might think I am lame after you find out what we did, but it was awesome.

Friday night we ordered pizza, watched Friends, and put the crib together!!!!

Okay so Nathan put the crib together. But one time I held a piece while he put a screw in.

He also set up the stroller and car seat. This was much easier than the crib.

I spent the night washing and sorting all those clothes we have for the little lady so far. We are big baby nerds. But it was so exciting to get things started in her room!

Saturday carried on in the same fashion. Slept in then ran a billion errands. First stop: The DI.

You guys, the DI is the best place in the world for baby clothes. I have raided it a few times before. Babies only wear their outfits a few times tops before they grow out of them, so the baby clothes at the DI look brand new. Some still have tags on them! And they cost a dollar! Sometimes less. We bought our little girl 30 new outfits for $20. I kid you not. All for newborn to 12 months. She will be so stylish in her DI clothes. I am not even ashamed though. Why go to baby gap and spend $40 on a outfit that I just got for $1? Cheap and ghetto is the way to be!

Then we took our recently discovered left-over wedding gift cards to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and re-did our entire bathroom for free. That's the best feeling in the world! I love gift cards. Now that we have 2 bathrooms, we moved our old stuff into the guest bathroom and now our master bathroom is probably my favorite place in the world! I will post pictures when we finally get the whole apartment done. Which should be soon!

Next stop, Zupas and TCBY. Because, duh.

Last stop was Wallmart for groceries and more furniture. We got new bookshelves for our living room, a book shelf for baby's room, and a stand for Nathan to put his recording equipment on. Then we came home, Nathan built everything while I washed all our new merchandise, decorated the bathrooms, and sorted baby's new clothes! Her dresser is on it's way to us and soon her room will be ready! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Then I made Nathan hang all our pictures and decorations. After 3 weeks of being in our new place, it's finally feeling like home.

So that was our super fun weekend!

Told you you would think I was lame.

But I don't even care. Because my apartment and nursery are almost all set up and my husband is really cute!

So hurry up May 22nd! We are ready for you!
Also, Nathan made me do a photoshoot with the crib. I will spare you most of the awesome shots.
Also also, our apartment was a mess. Promise it's better now. Kinda.

So hurry up May 22! We are ready for you!

Oh hey third trimester. Wud up?

28 weeks/7 Months!
ps. I count my pregnancy on the 10 month cycle that most books and doctors use, instead of the 9 month one. 4 weeks = 1 month. I have had some people be confused so.. there ya have it! I just do whatever "What to Expect When You're Expecting" tells me to do.

Hello third trimester. Goodbye feet.

• Her movements are constant and consistent. None have hurt or bothered me yet. I am so used to them now they seem like just a normal part of my life!
• She had moved up so much higher. I feel her up in my ribs whereas I used to only feel her down in my belly.
• Peeing. Ohhhh peeing. I am always peeing. 4-5 times a night. Every hour during the day. Sometimes more. And I have been told it gets worse. Yay peeing!!!!
• Her and I play games. If she kicks me, I poke back and she will kick me in the exact same spot. It's probably just coincidence, but I like to pretend we are already BFF.
• She almost made me pee my pants in public. True story. I take a class every Tuesday night as many of you know. I am getting an endorsement to my degree. Anyways, I am sitting in class and I know I have to pee but it isn't that bad. I figure I can wait until our break and not interrupt the lecture. Then. BAM. Home girl kicks me with all her might right in the bladder. I seriously almost lost it. I gasped out loud and ran to the bathroom. My friends had fun with that one.
• Some nights sleeping is rough. I toss and turn and can't fall asleep or get woken up to pee 12 times or get woken up by my incredibly achy hips and back. Some nights sleeping is the bomb. I fall into a coma and never return unless she kicks my bladder or my alarm goes off. It's complete hit or miss.
• I can't do sitting or standing for any longer than about 45 minutes. I have to change positions. I have taken up residence as the weirdo who stands in the back of my night class half the time. The women get me but the men think I'm weak.
• I feel like I keep popping out more and more and more! I like it, but it still sometimes amazes me that my body is stretching.
• No swelling yet! Fingers are crossed but I am not keeping my hopes too high. I drink tons of water and exercise, so maybe it will stay at bay? Probably not.
• Still crave string cheese and cake donuts and multigrain cheerios.
• Rolling over, bending over, squatting down, reaching up, and twisting side-to-side are all very hard tasks for me and often involve pain.
• Now that I am showing so much my student's constantly have questions. They are usually just curious and excited for me. Although one girl asked me how I planned to deliver. That was weird.
• She's been squishing my lungs lately so if I sit for too long, she makes it very hard to breathe.
• Strangers offer to give up their seats for me. It's really sweet. I feel bad though because I usually prefer to stand. My legs fall asleep when I sit.
• Still getting a ton of bloody noses. One happened on my commute home. It was a gusher. Here, enjoy this picture I took to send to my family. We are over-sharers.
  
  
• She gets really active if I play music with a loud beat. I like to imagine her dancing.
• I've got the pregnancy congestion. Something I prayed wouldn't come to me but my mom said she had it every time she was pregnant. I hate being congested and thinking that I will probably be congested for the next 3 months really sucks. Every time little girl is sick in the future and complains about it, I'll just make sure she feels really guilty for making me congested for 3 months.
• Having super vivid dreams. Not necessarily incredibly weird ones. Just dreams that feel super real. They are usually stressful too.
• Road trips are A LOT harder than they used to be. I have been on 2 in the last 2 weeks and have 2 more planned before this little girl gets here.
• Yes we have picked out her name. No we don't call her that yet. No we aren't announcing. Only select family and a few friends know. It's the first question EVERYONE asks. Literally. But I don't want to get sick of the name and I think it makes it more special to wait until she is born. Plus, what if she comes out and doesn't look anything like the name we picked?
• While driving the other day, Nathan pointed out that there are less than 3 months until my due date and it was crazzzyy. I seriously cannot believe how fast time has gone!! I know towards the end it slows down, so I am loving this right now!
• Sometimes.. I waddle. 
• I sleep with 4 pillows every night. Two body pillows on either side of me to give my hips and stomach support and to keep me from rolling over on my back. I have one regular pillow under my head and  one regular one that floats around wherever I need it. We have a massive California King size bed, and Nathan is confined to one small corner. Sorry dear.
• I don't get the weepies as much as I used to. But I certainly still get the grumpies. Hormones are no fun.
• Third trimester?? Seriously?? It is still blowing my mind. I will start seeing my doctor every two weeks from here on out. Nuts!
• I signed us up for our labor and childcare class at the hospital. I am so excited!!!
• This is a really long list.
• Sometimes I feel like my bump changes sizes. Some days I feel huge. Yesterday my boss told me I didn't even look pregnant. My bump is magic.
• I really, really love being pregnant. This is such a fun time!!

Moving day!

When we got married, we found the nicest place we could find in dirty, old down-town Salt Lake that didn't cost a billion dollars. Let me tell you, it was hard. But we finally found citifront which were new apartments for reasonable rent. We got the cheapest apartment they had!

Our apartment was small. Like seriously you guys, SMALL. We didn't need a ton of room and we loved that little place. But it was tiny. TINY! Very little room for anything more than we already had. So when we started purchasing stuff for the baby, our tiny apartment filled up quickly.

We knew all along we were going to move so little lady could have her own room and we could have some breathing space. We talked a lot about leaving down town and living where rent wasn't so high and neither was the homeless population. But we felt right about staying close to Nathan's school and work. It's super convenient that he can walk or take the trax most days. Plus, we do love this dirty little city.

We ended up realizing the cheapest and nicest 2-bedrooms around were in our complex! So we asked if were any opening up in the next month or so. Oh, there was one opening up. The apartment DIRECTLY across from ours. Not down the hall. Not next door. DIRECTLY ACROSS. Like.. 8 feet. Our peep holes lined up (That sounded dirty). So all we had to do was shove our stuff across the hall. It was amazing!!!!

So last night was finally moving night. We signed the contract transfer at 5 and started moving. We were done by 7:30. Now when I say done, I just mean we got all our crap into the new apartment. The organizing is a whole different story that may take me many moons to tell.

We are IN LOVE with our new place! It's still nothing massive. (City rent is redonkulous). But it's SO MUCH BIGGER than what we crammed into before. I have counter space!! And drawers in my bathroom! And a full sized bathroom mirror! And we have a full-sized washed and dryer. Not the tiny stack-able ones! We have lots of windows and lots of space. We have a room for our baby and a guest bathroom. Our bedroom is a bit bigger and we have our own bathroom! It is absolutely perfect.

Hanging out with baby M in her new room! She was pleased.

View from the front door. Kitchen is off to the left as well as the guest bathroom. Baby's room is on the left, balcony in the middle, and our room on the right.

DO YOU SEE THE COUNTER SPACE?!!? THERE IS SPACE TO PUT STUFF ON THE COUNTERS!!! I HAVEN'T HAD THAT IN A YEAR!!! I literally had to mix bowls in the sink when cooking and baking in the old apartment. Also, washer and dryer in the kitchen is kinda weird but I can manage.

Here's half of our room. Taking pictures of bedrooms is hard. Our closet looked super small at first and it scared me but it actually is super deep and long. I was impressed.

Here's the view from the front door as of this morning. Told you there will be a lot of organizing done. You should see the baby's room. I think half of our apartment got thrown in there just so we could shut the door and not look at the mess.

If you'll notice the sink, you will see that I simply transferred the dirty dished from one apartment's sink to the other. It was lovely. Also, there's my breakfast in the left corner.

When all is said and done, I've gotta say the best part about this new place is no more poopie balcony! Those same dang pigeons from last summer had already started to build a nest on our balcony again, no matter how many times we destroyed it! Our new porch is a beautiful, crap-free zone.