change.

"We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better." -C. JoyBell

It feels kinda strange to be writing here again. After 7 years of blogging every detail of my life, I up and abandoned this blog. I didn't like that I wasn't actually writing anymore. I was just posting pictures with bulleted details of what we were doing that month. Sure, it's a great way to record things, but it's not what I actually enjoyed about blogging. I enjoy the writing part. And lately I have had so many thoughts bouncing around my head, I know I need to sit down and get them out. Even if it's in a completely nonsensical and disorderly way. Here are my thoughts.

I met Nathan over 10 years ago. One of the first things I told him was that I was from California, and I was going to move back there. Nearly 4,000 days later and here we are- moving back to California. I am moving back to California. One might think I am finally getting everything I ever wanted, but it's different now. I know this is the right thing, but holy crap is it hard.

Nathan and I on MV lake in 2008. Our family at MV lake last month. We will be living in a townhouse by the lake

I cry every single day. I'm not kidding. And I have been doing this for a few weeks now. Everything sets me off. Or I just cry for no reason. And it's not just the move I cry about. It's just like I am so on edge emotionally, the littlest things make me cry. I can't tell you how many times I have cried while just watching episodes of Glee or Parks and Rec recently. Or when Sadie does something cute. Or when the mountains look pretty. I am a huge ball of emotions and there is no way to stop me!

California has always been the dream. But it was a distant dream. And a dream I kinda thought would never happen. And these past few years Utah has become our home. I love it here. It's where I met my husband. It's where I got my degree. It's where I met some of my best friends. It's where I learned my hardest lessons. It's where I made some of my best memories. It's where I became a teacher. It's where we lived as newlyweds. It's where we became parents. Just read this post to understand just how stupid nostalgic I am about this place.

Beach selfie 2008, and last month

I got up on Sunday in my ward and cried my eyes out as I bore my testimony. These people mean so much to me. Utah wouldn't be nearly as hard to leave if it weren't for them. I think about how when I moved into the ward, I was 5 weeks pregnant with Sadie and just an entirely different person. I have grown more in the last few years than ever before. One of my favorite people in the ward came up to me last Sunday and said that he and his wife moved to Boston for college, and had their first 2 kids there. They moved back to Utah when their kids were young and he said it was one of the hardest thing they ever did. I cried thinking about looking back on this move the way they look back on their move (35 years later). I moved from New York to California when I was 2, and I have zero memories of New York. Will Sadie not remember any of this? It's been such a wonderful few years with her, and she won't remember it at all! That makes me so sad for some reason.

Every time I leave my house, I drive around and look at everything and think about all the things I will miss. All the people I will miss. I have been gone so long from my hometown, it's not familiar to me anymore. I know every street if this valley out here. I have friends scattered everywhere. I have extended family. I know the parks and the stores and the good places to go. I have doctors here for me and my kids. I know this place. It's comfortable and safe. But I know it's time to move on.

Top of the world 2008, and last month

In October I woke up one morning with an anxious feeling that this was our last Fall in Utah. I shook it off, but booked family pictures anyway. I told myself it wasn't real though. Around the same time, my parents got the news that instead of heading home to California, they would be spending the next few years in Houston. My mom recently told me that although they were bummed, she got a strong feeling that we would be needing their apartment very soon. Around February, the feelings of California kept coming back to us, and we couldn't shake them. Nathan and I were getting them at the same time. We did a lot of prayers. We planned a trip. I kept telling myself it wasn't going to happen even though I knew it would. It was strange. It's still strange. To know something is right, and to really want it, but to be terrified of it at the same time.

I found that quote up at the top of this post, and it really rang true to me. I feel secure and safe here in my little pond. But there is a big ocean (literally) waiting for us. Utah is good for us. I'm sure if we stayed here, we'd be happy. But I have a feeling much bigger and better things are waiting for us. So it's time to just take a deep breath, and jump into the ocean. Here we go.

Utah to California