The days in the hospital all kind of blend together into one mass. Maybe that's the drugs talking. Maybe it's my lack of sleep.
We got to the recovery room around 2am. They immediately wanted me to be feeding her. The nurse was putting all kinds of pressure on me that she needed to be eating every two hours and the last time she ate was about 2 hours before so I got all worried.
Sadie is a terrific latcher. If that's even a word. She seriously opens her mouth SO wide and just latches right onto that boob. She will give one or two sucks and then.. nothing. She would just hang out there. My first nurse kept trying to help me but she just made me worry so I stayed up the entire night trying on and off to get her to eat. When the new nurse got there in the morning, she told me it's normal for them to hardly eat their first couple days. THANKS A LOT FIRST NURSE.
Needless to say, I was freaking exhausted all Sunday. (You can tell from our first little family picture). But it was a happy day. My in-laws made the drive down the moment they found out Sadie was coming. It was so great to have them there! They came by early that morning to meet her. I am really glad they came. My poor mom had her flight from England booked for Monday in order to get there in time for my scheduled induction. Whoops!
Tired much?
Katie and Jenna came by that day to meet their adopted niece. It was so fun to see them with Sadie!
The rest of the night we hung out just the 3 of us. They took out my IV and catheter and I got to actually get up, which was freaking painful but exciting at the same time. I was so dang tired. They took her to the nursery for us and brought her to me when she was hungry. My sweet nurse showed us a technique called for nursing that really helped with Sadie sucking. That night was much, much better than the first.
The next morning my in-laws stopped by again to say goodbye. Seriously, they were the best to drive down for barely over a day. We love them!
I got to get up and shower!!! This was the best thing ever. I was in a lot of pain, but oh my gosh it felt good. Seriously, best shower I have ever taken. We hung out and ate and watched 30 Rock and then my mom got there! I am really sad to say, we didn't take a single picture of my mom there meeting Sadie!!! I can't believe it. But we hung out and got dinner and had a great time. Got even more sleep that night. Having the nursery is kinda awesome.
The next day we just waited aorund to see if we could go home. My nurse said I should stay for another day. Some people really like hospitals. I do not. I wanted out of there!! Luckily my doctor is the bomb and she said we were good to go! (She also said she cried when she found out that I had the baby. She wanted to bad to be there but they didn't even call her since it was her weekend off. I love her. She's so sweet). Anyways, then we were packing up and leaving around 2pm! Driving off from the hospital with a baby in the back seat instead of leaving alone with a broken heart, was a joy I can't explain. I couldn't believe she was ours and we were taking her home!!!
We took about 1,000 iphone pictures while in the hospital, of course, and it's too hard to figure out what day they were. So here's some of my favorites!!
Changing her first diaper!
After her first bath!
Now we are home! It's definitely hard, but gosh I love this little family of mine so much!!
It all happened so fast. We are so in love. I just can't even handle it!
This girl has had sass since I first felt her kicks. She has made it very clear that she is going to do things on her terms and in her timing. I should have known her birth would be an adventure!
I was all set to be induced on Monday the 29th. We planned on spending the weekend getting everything ready for her arrival. Friday we went on a date. Saturday we got up and started cleaning. By noon I started realizing that she wasn't moving as much as usual. I was trying not to be paranoid, but I'm Kaitlin. I'm always paranoid. After lunch I laid down to do a kick count and she was hardly moving. I called the on-call doctor at my clinic who told me to wait a little bit longer. Well, I am not good at waiting. We immediately went in to labor and delivery at our hospital. We had been cleaning all morning, and I hadn't even brushed my hair. I was in sweats and the only thing I brought was my wallet.
The drive there wasn't fun. We had made this exact drive before, with the exact same concerns. We said a prayer and I felt some tiny movements, which comforted us. We got into a room quickly, given my history. The nurse was so sweet, and she found the heartbeat fast. I cried. She cried. It was a happy moment. They were monitoring us for 20 minutes and we were just making small talk with our nurse when her heart rate dropped to 90bpm. Suddenly, the room was filled with nurses. They were moving me, hooking me up to an IV, and rushing around the room. Her heartbeat went back up again after just a few seconds, but we were all worried. I have never been so glad that I listened to my gut and the spirit and went into the hospital.
They called the oncall doctor and she ordered a big ultrasound. 5 minutes later she called and cancelled it. She told them that even if the ultrasound looked great, she wouldn't feel good sending us home. So she wanted to keep us and induce us.
BAM.
Suddenly, we weren't going home without a baby. We were so excited, yet so scared about her heart rate dropping. Since we literally had nothing with us, I sent Nathan home for our hospital bag and they got me into a room and confirmed that she was still head down. She still had TONS of fluid though, so who knew what was going to happen. They started me on pitocin and I was contracting by the time Nathan got back.
Labor came fast. I was holding off on the epidural for as long as I could because i know it can slow down labor, and I just wanted her here. My contractions got about as big as they get and I was dying. So I got the sweet relief of the epidural. Ahhhhh. The anesthesiologist is my favorite man. I actually had the same guy I did with Madelyn. And he really is a super nice guy.
Little Sadie was not handling the contractions very well. Her heart rate would drop a tiny bit with each one. Nurses weren't too worried yet. The on call doctor, who was amazing by the way even though I was super depressed it wouldn't be my doctor delivering me, broke my water and made sure she was still coming head down. Just like all the doctors and nurses warned me, my fluids were insane. I gushed forever. At one point I couldn't stop laughing because there was just SO much coming out!
After that things picked up even more. Then suddenly, just like the first time, Sadie's heart rate dropped drastically. Down to 70bpm. Again nurses rushed in and my nurse was immediately checking me. They were worried the cord had come down and was being compressed by her head. Instead, they found her nose. Little girl was presenting face down. FACE down. It was putting her in a lot of distress. All that fluid has flipped her around so much and she was coming out one of the worst ways. Her heart beat went back up and the doctor came back. She told me what I kind of knew all along- I would probably need a c-section. She said babies presenting face down rarely can ever be born vaginally. She was already slightly distressed, and it would only get worse. Basically, we could do a c-section now, or have to do a rushed, emergency one in a little while. At that point, I was ready. I wanted her out. It was too scary with her heart rate dropping so much. I needed her out and safe!! So they prepped me!
Before I knew it, I was lying completely naked on a operating table, all doped up, and making jokes with my anesthesiologist about how many people had seen me naked that day. Nathan stayed on my side of the sheets with me and held my hand. The anesthesiologist stood behind us and talked us through what was happening. I was slightly nervous, but more just anxious for her to be out and be okay. Her heart rate had dropped one more time in the operating room. Before I knew it, they started. I didn't feel a dang thing, but lots of weird tugging and pulling. Weirdest thing ever, I can't explain it.
Suddenly, the anesthesiologist was saying, "She's just about here! There's a head!" And then I heard her cry. And I cannot explain the joy and happiness that I felt in that moment. I couldn't see her. I couldn't even really feel her coming out. But I heard her. And I fell in love with that cry immediately. I'll never get over that moment. Giving birth in a silent room last time was hard. Births are supposed to be loud and exciting. Mine was still and silent. This time was amazing. The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable.
Nathan got to go right back with her and watch and help as they cleaned her up. He videoed the whole thing so I could watch it later. The anesthesiologist (Have I said that word enough this post? He was our best friend this whole night) sat with me and talked to me to distract me as they closed me up. Then he moved the curtain a bit so I could see into the room and I could see Nathan and my little girl's feet sticking up in the air!
I usually don't like when people post newborn nakie pictures, but this makes me freaking crack up. She's like, "I'M HERE!!"
She was incredibly swollen on her head and lips when she came out. She had been poked in the face several times by doctors checking her position. It was also hard for her to just be sitting with her face in my pelvis for so long. She also got a little scratch on her face from the doctor doing a c-section (who cried about it after the surgery, haha, so sweet), so she was pretty beat up. But her swelling went down almost immediately. Poor little thing.
They took us back to our room so I could officially meet her, and have some skin-to-skin time. It was also the first time we were all alone, just us 3! She was so alert the whole time. She just stared at us. I could not get over how beautiful she was. My heart was so full!
Sorry for the kinda racy pic. It was our first family picture!!
We had gotten to the hospital around 2:30. And by 11, we had a baby. Our Saturday definitely didn't go how we thought it would have. It went a BILLION times better! We had a baby! A teeny-tiny, perfect baby!
They moved us into the recovery room and we were exhausted. I still couldn't believe what had just happened. We spent some time just holding her and trying to feed her and trying to digest the fact that we had a baby. I was so tired, but I didn't sleep a wink the entire night. There wasn't too much time left to sleep since we didn't get to the recovery room until almost 2 am, but still. We love her so much! Those first few hours of her life are so special to me. I still can't believe how blessed we are.
It was love at first sight with this lady! She gave us quite a scare getting here, but I could not be more grateful that she's here! She's finally here!!
After nearly 7 years together, it's time. Yes I know we can still have alone time. Yes I know our babies will one day leave the house. But this will be the last time we are really just a two-some.
I won't say that we aren't more than ready for this. This was supposed to happen a year and a half ago. Although Madelyn is our daughter and officially bumped our family total to 3, she isn't here with us right now. We love her and think about her every day, but it's still just him and me here on Earth. Waiting for a baby to come to us has been a long and painful road. We are ready. We want this sobad.
We had two awesome years of dating, two hard but rewarding years of writing once a week while Nathan served a mission, three months of being engaged, and now two and a half years of marriage. We have had so many incredible experiences together. We literally grew from little teenagers into adults together. We have had so much fun. We have experienced life and loss and heartache and more fun than you can imagine. I will never look back and think I didn't get enough alone time with my sweet husband. Although this wait for babies has been hard, I am really glad I can say that. I have loved our time together. We have built an unshakeable foundation. He is absolutely my best friend in the entire world. I will always be thankful for these 7 years we had just him and me. Sometimes I can't believe I found the love of my life at 18 years old.
Nathan and I have been through a lot together. I know it's one of the reasons we are so strong, but our trials have often been heartbreaking. Sometimes I think about how unfair it seems that just 4 days into our second year of marriage, we were slammed with the death of our child. It was awful, but it never affected our marriage negatively. Even when I sank into depression and became someone very unlike myself, Nathan stood strong and patiently helped me back to where I was supposed to be. He lost a child that day too, but the strength he showed still amazes me. It made me strong. Our moments of "him and me" have been filled with laughter and cute pictures, but they have also been filled with sadness. Saying goodbye for two years at the Las Vegas airport, not knowing what was going to happen to us. Frustration of not being able to talk to the person you love for 2 years, and the strain it puts on your heart. Silently packing up the baby clothes from the dresser we had bought only a couple weeks prior. Endless nights holding each other while I cried myself to sleep. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, feeling like it will never happen again. It's not always been easy, but having him makes it easier.
One of the hardest things is having to wait to make Nathan a dad. Nathan loves children. I have wanted so badly to see him with his children. He is already the world's best uncle and master-of-make-believe. He is going to kick this being-a-dad-thing's butt! He has always taken such good care of me. I spent my whole life hiding emotions, always trying to be the funny one, and feeling the need to take care of and "fix" other people. He was the first one to break down those walls and take care of me for once. I know he is going to do the same thing for our little girl. She is going to have him wrapped around her finger, and he wouldn't have it any other way. This pregnancy I have been an emotional roller-coaster. Even now, when the depression and guilt are gone, I am still a very hormonal pregnant lady. I'll cry for no reason, snap at him for no reason, lay in bed for hours.. he just smiles and plays with my hair. I don't even care about bragging, I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Nathan is a light, and one that came at the perfect time in my life. One I can't imagine my life without. One of the things I love most about this man I chose for my husband, is his ability to make me, and everyone around him laugh. He's infectious. I love watching him answer a call from someone at work, and start talking in a lisp. I can hear the person on the other end talk back to him in a lisp, and then laugh hysterically. Everyone loves Nathan. He is so warm. He is so kind. He is Nathan. If you know him, you know what that means. We are always laughing. Sometimes even when we are arguing. Sometimes even when I'm crying. He just has a magical skill. It helped get us through some dark times. Even when our hearts are breaking, we can still laugh.
Nathan is my absolute rock. I cannot even imagine where life would be without him. I don't believe that there is any "one" person out there for us that we are destined for. There aren't soulmates, we get to choose. But I do believe that I chose as close to the perfect person for me as I could get. Our marriage hasn't necessarily been hard, life has been hard. But having Nathan as my partner has made the bumps worth it. I know we aren't out of the woods, I know there are more hard times coming. But these years have strengthened us for what's ahead. And I also know there's a lot more joy and happiness coming our way. It feels good to let go and breathe for the first year time in a year-and-a-half.
This post is all over the place, but so is my mind so I don't really care. I am so, so, so excited for this baby. But more than anything, I am so, so, so excited to raise this baby with Nathan. I don't really look at it as the "end of him and me." More it's just the next step in our adventures together. I am so glad I chose him as my adventure partner 7 years ago, and that we have been laughing and loving ever since. I am so glad he is the father of my children. I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
I love you Nathan Joshua Merkley. A stupid, ridiculous amount.
I am so thankful for our 7 years, just you and me. I am so thankful you chose me, and
And I cannot wait to see what's in store for you, baby, and me.
Let the adventures begin!
“I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.” -Kiersten White
