we went on another hike one time

I don't remember when we did this or where we went. Somewhere in the mountains. Obvi. But I found these pictures on our camera. We love little hikes. We are such mountain men. I love, love, love Utah in the summer. If we ever make it out of here, I will really miss being able to just drive 5 minutes into any canyon and find a million trails to take.

how I know I've slowly become a grown-up

+ I make my bed every morning.
+ I bought us an account with CrashPlan, and I was so excited to be able to back up all our pictures, videos, music, and documents online.

+ I can't stand when there are dishes in the sink.

+ My brother-in-law came to stay with us last weekend and on Saturday night he went to go visit a friend. I couldn't fall asleep until he got home.

+ I have said, "Kids these days.." several times.

+ I always wear sunscreen.

+ I often say things my mom would say.

+ I check my credit score every few months.

+ I am really proud of my high credit score.

+ I have a bedtime by my own will and choice.

+ If I stay up past my bedtime,  I feel hung over the next day.

+ I get sentimental over everything.

+ New sponges and cleaning supplies make me really happy.

+ I watch the news on TV.

+ I read the news online.

+ I care about the news.

+ The weather interests me and I discuss it with people.

+ I have less friends, but the ones I have are amazing.

+ I worry about wrinkles.

+ I'd rather be with my family than anyone else.

+ I love cooking.
+ I clean almost every day and hate when the apartment is a mess.
+ Shopping at Costco is my favorite thing ever.
+ I got all paranoid about emergency preparedness and made pretty awesome 72 hour kits for our apartment and car. Kitty stuff included. This website is the best thing ever.
+ I force my husband to take a multi-vitamin every day.
+ I was so excited to buy a toilet brush for our second bathroom so I didn't have to carry the one from our bathroom across the apartment on cleaning day.
+ Nathan and I talk about things like 401k's, retirement, credit, equity, savings, and stocks.
+ I remember everyone's birthdays and send them something.
+ I am learning how to use my sewing machine.
+ I started using Bountiful Baskets so we can get cheap and local produce to eat healthy.
+ I care about eating healthy.
+ I talk to my mom every day.
+ I make sure I drink enough water every day.
+ I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. Yikes.
+ The new 7th grade students entering the middle school I teach were born in the year 2000.
+ I can't sleep-in on the weekends anymore.
+ I read non-fiction books for fun.
+ I get annoyed when I see the way teenage girls dress.
+ I floss.
+ I vote. And care about who wins.
+ I hate when music has swear words.
+ I eat salads. As a meal. Willingly.
+ I constantly want to redecorate my apartment.
+ I've said things like, "I am just really into WWII documentaries right now."
+ A"night out" usually includes eating at Red Robin and going to the dollar theater.
+ I am not ashamed of anything on this list.

why I decided to go private

It's nice to be private.

I decided to go private for a few reasons. One was to go along with my social media cut backs. I still have no facebook and don't know when or if I will go back. It's so refreshing not to have one. Having a private blog as well makes me feel like I am slowly disappearing off the social media front. I also realized I was sharing a lot about myself out on the webs for anyone to read. Sometimes I would forget that everyone could see it. I don't want to censor myself. My blog is where I feel safe and where I write and bare my soul. It's my release. Now I know exactly who is reading my blog, and I really like that.

Another reason is that, truth be told, I am still having a pretty hard time dealing with the loss of Madelyn. I have often gone to write a post about how I feel but realized it was too personal. Now I feel like I can share those feelings because the people reading this blog are people I trust.

I have been incredibly blessed to have the people I do around me during this hard time. Seriously. Friends, family, coworkers.. they have all kicked butt. I have been blessed with the knowledge of the plan of salvation to comfort me. I have been blessed to handle this better than I thought I would have. But it's still hard. Really, really hard. I have a lot of friends having babies and getting pregnant and I am so happy for them, but often times it's hard to watch. And it's gotten harder because I act like everything is fine, so a lot of people think I'm "over it" (whatever that means) and share certain things that hurt me or don't think I still need help. Now I know it's my fault for pretending all is well, this isn't some cry for attention, but it's just something I am learning how to deal with. I tend to feel the need to make people around me feel happy, so I don't like being sad around them. I handle hard times with humor. I always have. It helps me and others too, but sometimes I just get tired. Everyone is going on with life like everything is normal and I am over here going, "Wait! Things aren't normal! Things are sad!" And then I realize, that of course everyone's lives are back to normal, and it's selfish for me to think otherwise. And my life is at a new normal. Not a normal I planned on, but a normal none-the-less. This is my life now. And I am learning how to be the happiest I can be.

I really am okay most of the time. I have hope in the future. I know I'll get pregnant again. Most days I just feel a little sad. It's not the overpowering, gut-wrenching sadness I used to feel, just sad. That's the only was I can think to describe it. It's kind of like I heave a heavier heart now, and I am not sure it will ever go away. Blah, I hate complaining and being all sad and needy, but gosh it feels good to write it out and know only my close friends and family are reading this. So this is my rant. Please don't think I am saying all you lovely people aren't being awesome and supportive, because you are! Things are just changing and I am learning to change with them. The hard days are getting farther and farther apart which is a good sign. Just taking it all one day at a time.

On a happy note. Here's my cat in the car this morning. Isn't she really awesome?

antelope island

Utah has a lovely mid-summer-holiday, Pioneer Day! Nathan had the day off so we went out. We visited the little fair at Liberty Park and got awesome fair food.

After we decided to head to Antelope Island. It's a Utah state park on an island in the middle of The Great Salt Lake. It's only about 40 minutes from down town. We have wanted to go forever. It was a lot of fun!

Thoughts on Antelope Island- totally worth the $10 to get in. It was gorgeous! You pay the money to get in, and then you hardly see another human! We saw a few other cars driving by, but the island is so big, you feel like you have it all to yourself. There are lots of little roads to drive off on and look outs. Animals just roaming around. That picture of the buffalo was taken with no zoom. He was just chillin and eating by the side of the road. There are places to rent boats and things to take out on the lake. There are also beaches. We drove past one with a bunch of people on it. I can't imagine swimming in the Salt Lake, but apparently some people like it. I wouldn't mind just hanging out on the beach if it hadn't been a billion degrees. That's one thing I would suggest, don't go in the middle of summer. There were tons of walking and hiking trails that we wanted to go on but I seriously died as soon as we got out of the car, so that wasn't happening. I think we'll go back in the fall, because it was gorgeous. There is a restaurant that is supposedly really good, but we didn't eat there. There is also a really cute little farm to explore. It was a lot of fun. Although, Nathan and I really like driving, taking pictures, outdoors, exploring places, and buffalo apparently. So if those things aren't your cup of tea, then you probably don't wanna go. 

Also, what the heck is the difference between a buffalo and a bison? I don't really know which ones are on the island.. but whatever it was we saw, it was ugly and hairy and really scary looking. And I liked it.

weekending Island Park style

Our lovely friends, Ian and Melissa, invited us to come stay with them at their uncle's cabin in Island Park, Idaho. It was such a fun weekend! We headed up Friday night. The cabin was absolutely amazing! I could have hung out there forever. We started out the weekend with taking the 4-wheelers into the forest. It was gorgeous! But I totally messed up my back. I do every time I let Nathan drive the 4-wheeler. I should probably learn my lesson. (ps. the pictures from 4-wheeling are terrible because they're from my phone. DEAL WITH IT).

Nathan took this picture because he said I looked like a crazy lady with my hair all messed up from the wind and dirt all over my face. I even have a dirt unibrow. 

We ate the most delicious lunch at a little place on the river. We were freaking starving, so maybe that's why it tasted so good. But I ate until I felt sick. The best kind of meal!

We hung out on a little rocky beach on the Snake River and then got a paddle boat. I wish there was video or even pictures of this adventure. They told us that it would be hard to paddle with 4 people on the boat, but it was basically impossible. We all had burning thighs. That sounds weird. You get what I mean. Basically Melissa and I sat in the boat and kinda paddled while Nathan and Ian pushed us up the river. Then Ian got tired but Nathan refused to give up. I really have no idea why he was so determined, but he pushed us up and down that dang river. It was really fun. But then a spider bit me and it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Not because it was a giant, poisonous spider, but because spiders are actually Satan and they all deserve to die long, slow, terrible deaths.

We hung out, grilled some hamburgers for dinner, and played my new favorite game, Sequence. It was so much fun! I won a lot in the beginning, but then I sucked the next time we played. Or maybe I was just pretending to suck? The world may never know.

Melissa and Ian's puppy, Guss, they brought along. I'm obsessed with him.

 This picture makes me laugh. Because we didn't plan those faces. Just telepathy, I guess.

Then we had a bonfire and made s'mores and roasted starbursts and talked for hours. I love having friends that are just so easy to talk with. We told scary stories and happy stories and I thought a lot about how if a mad man was hiding in the trees watching us, we would never know. I have a disturbing brain.

We slept in, laid around, ate even more food (if that's possible) and then headed to a waterfall! I have never seen a real waterfall. I've seen small ones or little trickles down a mountain, but this was amazing! It was massive and so gorgeous. I loved it there.

We then grabbed one of the most delicious milkshakes I have ever eaten, which was the perfect way to end the trip.

It was a lovely weekend. Thanks for having us, Ian and Melissa! We just really, really like you guys :)

 Apparently, I am the only one who thought we were doing ugly faces.