why I decided to go private

It's nice to be private.

I decided to go private for a few reasons. One was to go along with my social media cut backs. I still have no facebook and don't know when or if I will go back. It's so refreshing not to have one. Having a private blog as well makes me feel like I am slowly disappearing off the social media front. I also realized I was sharing a lot about myself out on the webs for anyone to read. Sometimes I would forget that everyone could see it. I don't want to censor myself. My blog is where I feel safe and where I write and bare my soul. It's my release. Now I know exactly who is reading my blog, and I really like that.

Another reason is that, truth be told, I am still having a pretty hard time dealing with the loss of Madelyn. I have often gone to write a post about how I feel but realized it was too personal. Now I feel like I can share those feelings because the people reading this blog are people I trust.

I have been incredibly blessed to have the people I do around me during this hard time. Seriously. Friends, family, coworkers.. they have all kicked butt. I have been blessed with the knowledge of the plan of salvation to comfort me. I have been blessed to handle this better than I thought I would have. But it's still hard. Really, really hard. I have a lot of friends having babies and getting pregnant and I am so happy for them, but often times it's hard to watch. And it's gotten harder because I act like everything is fine, so a lot of people think I'm "over it" (whatever that means) and share certain things that hurt me or don't think I still need help. Now I know it's my fault for pretending all is well, this isn't some cry for attention, but it's just something I am learning how to deal with. I tend to feel the need to make people around me feel happy, so I don't like being sad around them. I handle hard times with humor. I always have. It helps me and others too, but sometimes I just get tired. Everyone is going on with life like everything is normal and I am over here going, "Wait! Things aren't normal! Things are sad!" And then I realize, that of course everyone's lives are back to normal, and it's selfish for me to think otherwise. And my life is at a new normal. Not a normal I planned on, but a normal none-the-less. This is my life now. And I am learning how to be the happiest I can be.

I really am okay most of the time. I have hope in the future. I know I'll get pregnant again. Most days I just feel a little sad. It's not the overpowering, gut-wrenching sadness I used to feel, just sad. That's the only was I can think to describe it. It's kind of like I heave a heavier heart now, and I am not sure it will ever go away. Blah, I hate complaining and being all sad and needy, but gosh it feels good to write it out and know only my close friends and family are reading this. So this is my rant. Please don't think I am saying all you lovely people aren't being awesome and supportive, because you are! Things are just changing and I am learning to change with them. The hard days are getting farther and farther apart which is a good sign. Just taking it all one day at a time.

On a happy note. Here's my cat in the car this morning. Isn't she really awesome?