the one where I start to feel like a human

I have been told a million times that the first month with a new baby is pure survival mode. I am here to tell you that those people were 100% correct. Holy cow this month has been a crazy one!

When we first brought Sadie home, I was in so much pain that I was frustrated because I felt like I couldn't enjoy my baby. I couldn't bend over, let alone stand up on my own. Then I had all the complications from surgery and it made it worse. I definitely had the baby blues. I know they are common, but they really do suck! I am so thankful I didn't have to suffer from postpartum depression, but I had a rough first few nights. It's funny that it would usually hit at night, because I have had a few friends say the same thing. It would get dark and suddenly I'd feel stressed and anxious and then I would be crying and have no idea why. I know it's mostly hormones, but I am telling ya, a lot of it was fueled by my bad c-section recovery. I really, really hope I don't have to have one with the next kid. I did not handle that well, haha.

Once the baby blues went away, I fell into what I like to call "zombie mode." Really just doing things on auto-pilot, on very little sleep, and making it through each day. I am glad my mom was there for a while. She helped a lot! After she left I basically laid in bed all day. I would nurse, change diapers, and watch One Tree Hill. Nathan would come home and make me lunch. Then go back to work. Then come home and make me dinner. At night I would take a shower, then go to bed and start the whole thing over the next day. I had a lot of precious and sweet moments with my little girl. I loved spending literally every second with her, but I started to go crrraaazzzyy never leaving the apartment.

My incision started feeling a lot better this week and the awful side and muscle pain was completely gone, thank goodness, so I told Nathan he needed to start forcing us out of the house. We went out on a couple short outings. It was so weird to be in the real world and not in the little bubble of just Saide and me, but it was refreshing.

Saturday is when I really felt like I was returning to normal. Nathan and I started packing up our apartment and it's the most active I have been since giving birth. He ran some loads over to our new place, and I cleaned and made us lunch. I took off the belly band and left it off. I even did my hair and put on makeup! Then we went out to City Creek. We got dinner and walked around. It was a perfect night. It sounds so simple, but just by doing something we always used to do, I felt like I was coming up over the hill and leaving zombie land. Plus, down town has always had my heart. The weather was perfect. It was such a fun night with my little family! We ran a few errands after and stayed up watching 30 Rock. It's crazy what a simple night out can do. I felt like my old self again!

I'm really starting to get the hang of this stuff and routines are falling into place. Sadie gets cuter and cuter every day, and I love watching her grow and learn more about her surroundings. I love her so much. It's just icing on the cake that I don't have to be a zombie forever.

So here's to the start of life normaling out, slowly but surely.
And here's to my awesome family of 3. I'm obsessed with them.

It was windy. I promise we didn't style our hair like that

the one where Sadie meets everyone

This little girl has certainly been meeting quite a few people these days. She is very popular. 

I have been able to capture quite a few of them on camera, but sadly, not all of them.

Honorable mentions of those not caught on camera: Merkley cousin Tiffany (she also brought pizza and a blanket she made because she's the bomb). My YW. Our entire ward. Nathan's bosses. Our neighbor. The nurse who worked with me my whole pregnancy. Random lady at Michaels who made me uncomfortable.

Now they don't have to feel left out.
Because I know they did.

No on to those I cared enough about to take pictures.

A couple weeks ago we went out to my Aunt Jill's house so she could meet Jill and my Nana and Papa. It was a really fun afternoon. These 3 people have been some of my biggest supporters and prayer-sayers this past year and a half as we waited for Sadie. I am so glad they finally got to meet the result of all their hard work!

One Sunday we went up to Bountiful to introduce Sadie to my Aunt Beth, Uncle Scott, and my 4 cousins. I love seeing the people I love hold her! They are very precious moments to me. We also cowed down on some awesome food, so it was all around a good time. My cousin, Brennan, left on his mission just a week after this happened. It's crazy to think she will be 2 when he comes home! I am glad they got to meet before he left!

Today Sadie got to meet her first uncle! My in-laws and Jaden were passing through town and stopped by. When they call came to meet Sadie at the hospital, Jaden wasn't allowed in. With the entervirus going around, they weren't allowing anyone under 14 back to the recovery rooms. Well, Jaden is THIRTEEN AND A HALF. But they refused to let him back. So stupid. But I am glad he got to meet her this time! He was so sweet. He was so nervous to hold her because he said he was afraid of breaking her, haha. It was also great to see Grandma and Grandpa Merkley again! 

As you can see, Sadie has been very busy. She's quite the social butterfly. You can schedule a meeting to see her if you'd like. Just have your people call her people.

Sadie thoughts

 On Saturday, Nathan and I did another one of our unprofessional photoshoots because we are too cheap to pay real photographers to take pictures for us. I like the way they turned out though. We wanted some really bright, simple pictures of Sadie while she's still in her newborn phase. She wasn't very cooperative, but I think we got some good ones. I just want to kiss her face all day.

Life is slowly starting to feel more normal. Although I still feel like I am a zombie sometimes. Babies really do change everything, but I wouldn't have it any other way! Really, the hardest part has been the c-section recovery, but that's getting a lot better. I can't wait to feel 100%, then I feel like I will be able to give her 100%.

 I really can't complain about lack of sleep too much, because she is pretty dang good. Textbook newborn- she wakes me up every 2-3 hours. But she doesn't fuss in-between and goes right back down after she eats. I still get around 7ish hours a night. It's all interrupted, obviously, but it's better than what I was expecting.

I love breastfeeding her, but holy dang is it still painful! It's nothing to do with her latch or position, I think I am just sensitive. Hopefully that feels better soon, because homegirl LOVES to eat. She gulps so fast, she starts choking. She gets it from her mama. When something tastes good, it's important to eat it as fast as you humanely can.

I'll admit I am turning into quite the mushy mom, not that I ever thought I wouldn't. I have just waited for her for so long, sometimes it doesn't seem real that she's here. After I feed her I always cuddle her for a minute while she falls asleep and I stare at her and sometimes I cry. Happy tears! She's just so beautiful and she's all mine. I have been ready to be a mom for so long, and now I get this perfect angel every day. Even when it's hard and I'm sleepy and in a lot of pain, all I have to do is just look at her. And it's still hard, but a good hard. A worth it hard.

 That's my sentimental mushy-ness. Nathan gets all mushy sometimes too, haha. He loves playing with her, even though she can't really respond at this point. He gets so excited to come home and see her every day. She's usually asleep and he'll ask for permission to wake her up. It's pretty precious.

 We had a fun weekend just the 3 of us. I have been told by my doctor to do as little as possible in order to heal, so we did just that. Almost nothing. We stayed in bed and ate and watched Netflix and napped and played with out little girl. It was so fun to just be in our own little world, soaking up Sadie's awesomeness. And there sure is a lot of it. 

We just love her a lot.

my c-section words of wisdom

Guys, I hate being a wimp, but my c-section recovery has sucked. It has sucked a lot worse than a lot of my friends' which makes me feel more like a wimp, haha. The first week or so I definitely didn't take it as easy as I should have. I have a hard time feeling helpless or useless. So I tried to do too much, and now I am paying for it. I've had weird pains and heavy bleeding and had to go into the doctor only to be told I need another week of not doing anything. Me and c-section don't mix.

I knew going in there was a chance I'd have to have a c-section. So I did some research. I still feel like there was a lot I wasn't warned about. Some things I was told, and really didn't understand until it was happening to me. I am no a c-section expert, but since I am stuck in bed while my mom cleans my house and I feel useless, I am going to blog my c-section thoughts for anyone wondering or about to go through one. Or anyone who is really just that bored.

+ It feels freaking weird. You don't feel a thing, but you do. Which is confusing. The tugging and pulling doesn't hurt, but the knowledge that they are cutting you open and moving your organs around is so strange.

+ You will be butt naked on the operating table. I was so numb I couldn't feel anything, and I just stared at the ceiling and talked to Nathan while they prepped me. Then I glanced down and realized I was completely naked besides my hiked up gown partially covering my chest. Luckily, at that point, I could not have cared less.

+ You will be more numb than you ever thought possible. They take the normal epidural and up it like crraaazzzyy. I couldn't feel anything below my boobs. It was insane.

+ It's really bright. That was kind of annoying. A lot of what I read said it was really cold, but I don't remember feeling cold. I just remember the bright freaking lights. I'm sure the lighting was very flattering on my gigantic, naked body.

+ The drugs make you feel weird. I got soooo tired. I remember thinking I would fall asleep before they even started and I would miss the birth of my baby. I felt a little loopy too. It all kind of calmed down during the procedure, but when they were prepping me the drugs and the bright lights were a little too much.

+ Apparently, the drugs can cause collar bone pain. I guess air and medicine can pool up there. And I felt it. My collar bone seriously hurt so bad during surgery. It went away right after though.

+ It's a lot faster than I thought it would be. I know I had a very quick c-section because everyone commented on how quickly it went, so thanks for that doctors. But it was really less than 10 minutes before she came out, and only about 10-15 to close me up. I couldn't believe it! But I am thankful for it. I didn't like the OR.

+ Have someone talk to you while it's happening. Like I said before, the tugging and thought that it's my insides being pushed around was a little too much for me. I told Nathan to just talk to me about our baby so I wouldn't focus on it too much. When he was over with Sadie, my epidural man talked with me. It was very helpful.

+ Take it easy when eating again. Maybe this one is more of a personal problem, but I took a bite of a saltine, first thing I had eaten in 24 hours, and immediately threw up over the side of my hospital bed. I can't explain how much heaving hurts a fresh incision. I ate immediately after my vaginal birth so I thought it was gonna be no big deal. It was a big deal, haha.

+ Getting out of bed for the first time will be the most painful thing you've ever experienced. I really can't explain that pain. Oh my gosh it hurt so bad. I've ever had a natural childbirth, but I am gonna go ahead and compare those pain levels because that's how bad it hurt. The worst part was, once I finally stood all the way up, I realized I would have to get back into the bed too. And that hurt just as much.

+ Take your pain meds. Don't be stupid. Even taking them just a little late can triple the pain you feel. Just take them. They are awesome.

+ Move around when you can. But don't over do it. I tried to get up whenever I felt like I could. But one morning it was too much and I went so pale and felt like I was going to pass out.

+ Shower as soon as you can. It will change your life. I kept asking my nurses when I could shower. When I finally could, it was the best thing ever. It hurt, but it was worth it.

+ Let the nurses take the baby. I had them bring her when she was hungry, but I needed sleep. I was recovering from major abdominal surgery! Rest is needed. Don't try to do it all. Those few hours of sleep were amazing.

+ The belly band they give you will change your life. Never take it off. 

+ Take it easy at home. Trying to clean the house and do everything will make your incision hurt like hell. And then you will start getting random pains up and down your sides and it will hurt when you pee and your bleeding will pick up and it will be all your fault and your doctor will give you disappointed eyes but she will also give you more pain meds.

+ You will have pain in many places. Not just your incision area.

+ It's gonna be hard to poop, and your pain pills will make you constipated. Definitely take stool softeners twice a day, but be aware that even they might not work. Just know that even though it's awful, sometimes and enema can be a life saver. TMI? Don't care.

+ You can get a UTI from the catheter. Just start cranberry pills asap. It also might hurt your uterus when you pee. It's all just strange.

+ You will be stuck sleeping on your back for what feels like forever. I have tried sleeping on my side and stomach. Bad idea.

Basically, not only am I a huge wuss, I am a huge whiner. I am not someone who has really ever had health problems. I am so thankful for this, but it's make it incredibly hard for me to be bed ridden, especially when I have a small human who is dependent on me 24/7. I hope this doesn't terrify everyone forever about c-sections haha. Everyone else I talked to really loved theres! I told you, I am a wuss. I will say, there are a few things I liked about it too. Maybe I'll list those so I can make the world a happy place.

+ Without a c-section, I don't know what would have happened to my baby. Or to me! Back in the day we probably both would have died. I am so freaking thankful she got here safely. I don't even let myself think about those times her heart was dropping while I was in labor. I am thankful for modern medicine and the option to just get her the heck out.
+ She got here so quick! I was progressing pretty fast on the pitocin, but who knows how long it would have taken. I labored for 24 hours on pitocin with Madelyn. But this was like, "Okay let's do the c-section, oh hey here's your baby." That was awesome. Especially because we were so worried!
+ My nurses, doctors, and anesthesiologist were some of the kindest, most loving people. They all knew my history and were all so worried about Sadie getting here safely. I really felt like I got the most personal care and experience.

+ Even though it was kind of hard not getting my baby instantly, I am actually really, really glad Nathan got to spend that time with her and that he was the first one to hold her. That sounds kind of weird, but I think he deserved it. Even though pregnancy is hard, I am the one who got to experience all the kicks and the movement and the hiccups. I am the one who gets to stay at home with her all day every day. I am the one who gets to connect with her through breastfeeding. Nathan is such an involved dad, (I had to tell him to stop coming to my doctor appointments, haha) and all he wants to do is be apart of everything. I think he would carry our children if he had his own uterus. He was so proud when he came walking back into the OR with her all bundled up and presented her to me. I wasn't mad or jealous and I didn't feel cheated. It was a special time she got to have with her daddy.

+ You get the good drugs for recovery.

+ Even though it gets boring, you do have an excuse to lay around and do absolutely nothing all day.

+ And I got this out of it. The most perfect baby in the world!!

being unpregnant

Today is Sadie's due date.
Instead of me going into labor, she is turning 2 weeks old!
It's crazy.
I can't believe that there is a chance that I could still be pregnant.
Ewwwww.
I AM SO GLAD TO BE UNPREGNANT!!!!!
So in honor of Sadie's due date/2 week birthday, let's list all the awesome things about being unpregnant.
Maybe it will take my mind off the sucky c-section recovery. 
Here we go!!

+ I don't have to constantly count kicks and worry about movement. Sure, I'm still paranoid. But now I just have to roll over and see that she's breathing. It's awesome.

+ I don't get up to pee 7 times a night. Last night, I didn't even pee once!

+ I don't pee when I sneeze.

+ I don't pee when I cough.

+ I don't have to worry about where the closest bathroom is everywhere I go.

+ I don't have a human kicking my bladder.

+ Can you tell how annoyed I was by constantly peeing?

+ I don't feel like a giant bus.

+ I don't have people stare at my belly wherever I go.

+ I don't have to see the number on the scale go up and up.

+ I can roll over in bed without it requiring massive amounts of effort and time.

+ I can sleep on my back.

+ I don't have to sleep surrounded by 9 million pillows.

+ I don't have sore hips.

+ My back doesn't feel like someone stabbed 12 knives into it.

+ I can see my toes. (Still can't bend over to touch them. Thanks c-section).

+ I don't have constant indigestion and heartburn.

+ I can eat anything I want without getting nauseated afterwards.

+ I don't have insomnia. Sure a baby wakes me up at night now, but it's way better than being wide awake for no reason.

+ My claustrophobia is gone.

+ Not every strong smell makes me want to puke.

+ I can breathe again! No squished lungs!

+ I can sit or lay in one position for an extended period of time without pain and/or limbs falling asleep immediately.

+ I can wear my old clothes.

+ I can squeeze behind the computer chair to get to the things I need on the other side.

+ If I feel crampy or a sharp pain, I don't have to panic that something is wrong with the baby. It's probably just internal bleeding.

+ Now that my hormones have settled, the mood swings ad easy irritability are gone.

+ I am not constantly sweating and blasting the AC while my poor husband shivers. 

+ I don't have a baby stretched out transverse across my stomach. I can't explain how annoying and painful that is.

+ I don't have a baby spinning around in my stomach and keeping me up at night.

+ I am back to having regular bowel movements. Aren't you glad you know that?

+ Time isn't moving crazy slow. I am not stuck counting down the days.

+ I don't have to sit and worry about the baby being breech or whether or not I will need a c-section. (Past Kaitlin, save yourself the stress. You will need one. Get over it).

+ I don't have to go to the doctor or the hospital 3 times a week for monitoring.

+ I get a new best friend. A perfect, beautiful angel to spend every day with.

+ I get to kiss her cheeks whenever I want. (And it's a lot)

+ I get to look into her eyes, which are so very much like her daddy's, and connect with her.

+ I get the final product of all those awful months of pregnancy. I get my baby here with me all the time!!!!

And we love her. A lot.

life with Sadie Rose

Sadie is the bomb and I never get sick of her. I'll be sooo tired in the middle of the night when she starts to cry, but when I roll over to grab her and see her face, I realize how much I missed her while I was sleeping! Being a mom is weird. She sleeps pretty well considering she is a newborn. I feed her and put her down right before I go to sleep. She usually sleeps for 2 and a half to three hour intervals before waking up to eat. But she doesn't usually fuss or wake up during those intervals. So I can sleep for about 3 hours at a time, which I am very thankful for.

She looks so much like Nathan. Especially when her eyes are open. She has my nose, but everything else is all him. I love it! I never thought too much about who our kids would look more like, but I am totally okay having a cute little Nathan Jr. running around. I still hope she gets my hair though. We also think she looks a lot like Madelyn. We never saw Maddie's eyes, but Maddie had my nose too, and the exact same head shape as Sadie. It's pretty cute.

She is the most mellow baby. The only times she ever cries is if you are changing her diaper when she's tired, or if she's hungry. She will have hours of time where she is awake, just laying on her playmat and staring around. No fussing. It's amazing. She's such an angel baby. Her cry isn't even loud. Everyone makes that comment. She has a quiet cry! It's very nice, I won't lie.

She gives us TONS of smiles. I know they are just gas or random facial expressions at this point, but it doesn't make them any less cute. She is so expressive and constantly making all kinds of faces when she is alert. My favorite is when she scrunches up her forehead and looks like an old man. She still sleeps most of the day, but usually has 3 alert periods a day in the morning, afternoon, and night. We love these times!! 

She eats like a champion! I am exclusively breastfeeding and she keeps me very busy. We struggled a tiny bit with feeding while in the hospital. She wasn't getting enough colostrum and my milk hadn't come in yet, so we needed to supplement with formula. But once my milk came in, all was well! She is a great latcher and sucker. The only problem is that breastfeeding puts her straight to sleep. So we have to sotp and wake her up several times to make sure she is getting enough. Soooooo lazy.

I've said it a million times, but we just love this little girl. I can't believe she is here!! It's not all rainbows and lollipops of course. There were a couple nights when we first got home where my hormones were crazy. I'd feel pretty good all day, and then night would hit and I would start crying and have no idea why!! I was in so much pain (still am) from my surgery, and it was hard to do all the things I wanted to. Clean. Take care of my baby. Go outside. Just bend over! I was frustrated and felt out of control. And then I felt guilty because I loved my baby and wanted to be enjoying the time with her!! Well, those nights did pass and from what I have heard, they are pretty normal haha.

I am still recovering and no where near 100%, but I have lots of help! I feel like this girl is growing every day and I am trying to keep up with her! This blog may turn into The Sadie Show for a while. But that's kinda what our lives are right now, so it fits :)

Sadie's first weeks at home

Not too much happens around here these days. Mostly because I am still revoering and am a pretty big whimp. But these days have been so precious! I want to document them. Also, we have taken 7,000 pictures. These pictures need to be seen by human eyes! 

EVERYONE LOOK AT MY BABY!!!!

First of all, we brought Sadie home! Duh. Lady sniffed her a bit, but doesn't seem too phased by her. Every once in a while she stares at her for a while, or sniffs her some more.

She is pretty pissed by the lack of attention she has been receiving. It makes her a lot more vocal. She seriously screams all the time.

Then we finally got some pictures of my mom and Sadie. She is staying in a rental house just a few blocks away. She will be with us for another week! So thankful for her help.

We've done a lot of just.. hanging out. Haha. Nathan had the whole first week off work. It was so fun to have him home all day every day!!

She holds in her own pacifier sometimes. Obviously not on purpose. Because she also spits it out on her own.

One of my favorite pictures ever. Early morning. My two loves, all bundled up!

We had the cutest skype session with my niece and nephew. Ava asked me, "How can you make such cute things come out of you?!" And Carson kept kissing the screen. It was so sweet! We have also skyped with Grandpa Graff almost every day!

We went to our first doctor appointment! She has gained back a few ounces she lost after birth, and everything else looks right on track!

I had to breast feed her for just a few minutes after the doctor left and Nathan was laughing so hard at her legs sticking out.

Friends came by to visit..

She turned 1 week old, and we got out of the house for the first time! Pretty drive and a very short walk by Silver Lake. I could only handle a few minutes, haha.

Even though he's now back at work, Daddy still comes home for lunch every day to play with Sadie. It's the perfect time because she's wide awake! I love these pictures. Can you tell when I actually get out the camera instead of using my phone? Haha

She had her first bath at home! She peed in the tub and pooped in her towel and screamed the whole time except when we poured warm water on her belly. I'll call it a success!

Then my big sister came to town!! She stayed for 2 days. It was awesome.

My niece, Ava, has a beloved teddy bear she calls "bear." She's had him since she was a newborn and takes him everywhere. A couple years ago they bought a second version if bear (exact same stuffed animal) since Ava's was so word out. She still loved her bear the most, but gave that one the name Sister Bear. Well she decided to give Sadie Sister Bear so that they can have the same teddy. It makes my heart melt!

Got to use the stroller I bought almost 2 years ago for the first time!! So exciting. And it's a sweet stroller!

 Well there's your very long picture update of life around here. I'll write more about specific things later. Basically, we just adore this little girl more than I can possibly say!!