To Sadie at 1-year

To my Sadie Rose,

This weekend is your birthday. You will be 1-year old. And that is insane to me. I feel like you just got here, but I also feel like we never lived without you. It's a confusing feeling. All I really know is that my life is 8 million times better since you got here. I am a better person. You make me better. 

I have been writing you letters long before you were even born. I did it with your sister before you. I think a lot about you reading these one day. Long in the future, when several more birthdays have come and gone, and I am laughing at myself for thinking you were "so old" when you turned one. I can't wait to watch you grow and to experience life through your eyes. You bring joy to every crevice of my life.

The past few years haven't been easy on me, Sadie. I think you are the reward for enduring so much. I had to wait a long time to have you in my arms. I had to cry a lot of tears and say a lot of pleading prayers. But you were worth it. I have an appreciation for motherhood I never would have had if I didn't have to walk through fire to get here. The term "rainbow baby" has always been a little cheesy to me, but you are exactly that. You are the light and joy after my storm. You are my hope and comfort. I was very much broken before you came. You healed me. You changed me. Not back into the person I was before, but more into the person I want to be. You will never know how much I love you. Not until you hold your very own first baby. My love for you is all-encompassing and at times overwhelming, but so wonderful. I can't tell you the number of times I have gotten up to pee at night, and end up in your room just watching you sleep. Creepy, right? Well I can't help it. Sometimes my love for you makes me want to explode! 

Now I won't say it's been the easiest year of my life. Being a mom is hard! The newborn stage was hard for me. I had mama blues bad. Trying to navigate having a baby after stillbirth was hard. It's still hard. I have a lot of guilty moments. I have a lot of sad moments. I have a lot of angry moments. I have always felt robbed of my daughter, but now I deal with the anger that you were robbed of your sister. Some days I miss working. Some days I feel claustrophobic in our underground home. Some days you are fussy for no reason. There was a month and a half last winter where you woke up every hour, every night. But all you have to do is give me your ridiculous little grin and I feel good again. Being a mom is hard, and I know I haven't even scratched the surface of the hardships it will bring. But you make it worth it.

Motherhood is not exactly what I expected it to be. It's harder in some ways, and easier in others. It scares me a little bit that a large piece of my heart is now walking around outside my body. (And she's freaking cute). Loving you this much makes room for a lot of pain. It's something I remember feeling when I first got pregnant with you. I was afraid to love you too much, and then lose you. It's not fair that all my anxiety from Madelyn has been glued to you, but I feel like you came to Earth knowing it would be that way, and that you were made special to carry it. Because you knocked down the fear in my heart, and set up camp. I know you won't be leaving anytime soon.

You make your daddy and I so happy. You smile all day long. You love animals of any kind. You love people in general, and are always smiling at and talking with strangers. You never sit still; not even for TV. You eat everything in sight (including things that shouldn't be eaten), but are still the tiniest little thing. You are curious about everything, and spend half your day pointing at things. You aren't scared of anything.You chase big dogs around the park and let them lick your face. You follow me around while I vacuum and try to grab it. You dive head first off the bed. You prefer me when your sad and grumpy, but want your daddy when you're feeling silly. You follow the cat everywhere trying to kiss her, and she hates it. You love being outside, and could spend all day at the park or in the backyard. You sleep great, but could go all day without a nap if I let you. You laugh at everything. You love music and dancing. You are so expressive and make the silliest faces. Everyone is obsessed with you. Seriously. I get stopped in the store a lot. Not to mention, you made us famous for 5 seconds with your viral video. We cannot get enough of you!

I am so thankful Heavenly Father picked me to be your mama. You are so special. Your personality shined through at a very young age. You are so sweet, happy, silly, and full of energy. So, so much like your daddy. I cannot wait to see what the next year brings. I love you with all my heart sweet girl. Happy birthday!

Love always,

Mama

I have LOVED doing these monthly shoots. I knew from the beginning I didn't want to do the popular ones where she is wearing the same thing or holding the same thing or is in the same place and position every time. I wanted each one to be unique. I love them all!