Dear my sweet, silly, sassy Sadie Rose,
I wish I could put into words how much I love you. Everyone told me you didn't understand how much you could love until you became a mother. Well, they were right. You opened up a piece of my heart that didn't exist before. You buried yourself so deep into my soul, I can't imagine how I ever lived without you. All the cheesy things they say are true! Being a mom is freaking hard. But there is just SO MUCH love!! Sometimes I look at you and just cry. Like a crazy person. I didn't know how much more to life there could be before having you. This all sounds some like some cliche poem. But you make me cliche. You have brought more joy, love, and happiness to my life than I thought possible. (You also bring a lot of stress, frustration, fear, and anxiety. But we won't talk about all that not-fun stuff). Twenty months ago you looked up at me, and every ounce of pain I felt while losing your sister and waiting for you melted away. My love for you was instant. I remember looking in your eyes and recognizing you somehow. I knew you. I had waited for you and prayed for you for years. And there you were.
Life with you has been so much fun! Babies make everything more fun! Especially since you turned one, and you really became your own person, you have become my very best friend. We spend all day together, and it's so fun! We go out to the farm and to Target. We get McDonald's. We go on walks. We color and play with blocks. We cuddle and watch movies. We sing songs. We clean and cook. We go to the park. We wander around the pet store. You are with me in everything I do. And I miss you when we are apart. Even when you're sleeping. You are my best friend. I mean that truly. Thinking about adding a new baby to what we have scares me. I don't want our dynamic to change. I don't want you to think I love you any less. But I think about how much I love you, and I am excited to see you love your brother. It's just the next great adventure for us.
You challenge me in so many ways. You are strong and stubborn. You look me in the eye and do things I just told you not to. You throw pretty epic tantrums. You require my attention pretty much every moment you're awake. Somedays I got to bed absolutely exhausted. But you are the best kind of work. I would never trade my full time job of being Sadie's mom. Even on the hardest days, I know this is what I was meant for. If I do nothing more in this life than be your mama, I will be okay with that. You have the best pieces of me and your dad. You are such a light to the world. You are a fireball, and I wouldn't change a thing about you. Nope, not even the tantrums.
You healed me, Sadie Rose. In a way that only you could. You not only healed the pain of losing your sister, but you healed the pain from every loss, setback, and heartbreak I have ever endured. It all seemed to make sense. If I had to go through those to get you, then it was all worth it. Every decision I made eventually led to you, so there's nothing left to be sad about, because I get you. Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I am. You are mine. I get to be your mommy. You have changed me and shaped me and made me a better person in every way. You have improved every aspect of my life. I will never be able to tell you how much I love you, because there aren't words. You are my living, beating heart, walking around outside of my body. Thank you, sweet girl, for loving me and accepting my flaws. Being your mom is the greatest gift I was ever given. I love you forever.
Love always,
Your mama
“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood – finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”
-Jodi Picoult
Here's to our next adventure together, baby girl.
