the life I have now

I was 14. I wore way too much eyeliner and spent too much time doing my hair. I tried to sneak suuuuper short shorts to change into at school, and I was boy crazy and cared way too much what other people thought of me. I was already thinking about who I might marry and what kind of life we'd have. I was already dreaming about being a mom. If I had been able to take a peek at where I am today, I would be SO happy. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I was 18. I was living on my own in a new state. I had bleach-blonde hair that was so damaged it wouldn't grow. I loved big, chunky necklaces, and still didn't know how to do my makeup. I was in a abusive relationship. I was depressed and scared and a shadow of my former self. I worried that this is what love was, and scared of what my future might look like. I craved to be loved and supported and wanted for who I was. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I was 21. I was saying goodbye to the love of my life. I had spent the last 2 years healing and growing and falling in love, and now I had to spend the next 2 years re-learning how to function in a world without my best friend. I was scared and sad and terrified. I felt ready to marry him that minute, but knew it wasn't the time. But 2 years could change so much. I wish so much I could fast forward time, or at least get a glimpse of the future to know just how things would be at the end of that very long wait. I wanted to marry him and have babies with him and grow old with him. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I was 24. I thought my dream life was right in front of me, and it was violently ripped away from me. I had never experiences loss or pain or anger or sadness that way, and I would never be the same again. I cried for months. I spent hours on my knees pleading to be a mother. I hid from the world. It hurt to see babies and happy families. My heart ached for what I had lost more than I thought possible. All I had ever wanted in life was to be a mother, and it felt as if it would never happen. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I have spent a lot of my life wish for what came next. But I always thought once I had a husband and kids, everything would be perfect. I have learned that's not the case, and life will always have trials, but gosh-dangit, I AM LIVING OUT MY DREAM. I have wanted to be a mother since I could remember. I picked baby names and shopped for baby clothes as a teenager. My role as a mother is hard and more amazing than I thought possible. My babies are more than I ever could have dreamed. I always thought often about the kind of man I would marry, and Nathan is more than I thought existed. I have the life I prayed for every day of my life. Things aren't perfect. We don't have it all together, but gosh we have it so good. If Kaitlin at 14, 18, 21, or 24 could see a small glimpse of Kaitlin at 30, they would be so stoked for the future. And they should be, because this life is beautiful! I want to stop waiting for everything to be perfect and realize that the things I have now are the things I've always prayed for. It doesn't get much better than this.

Autumn

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?"

 -Hal Borland

I love Autumn. I love the Fall. I really didn't understand the magic of Fall until I moved to Utah when I was 18 and I saw just how beautiful a season can be. Nathan made Autumn even more magic, as it's always been his favorite season. There's something about the leaves changing and the crispness to the air. Everything seems new. Everything is changing- the leaves and life. 

I have a lot of feelings, memories, and emotions tied to the Fall time. This season seems to carry more emotional weight for me than any other season. I don't think I really realized just the weight it carried until I opened up a can of pumpkin tonight to make cookies, and just the smell sent a thousand feelings through my body. Fall has brought me a lot of joy, but also a lot of hardship over the last few years. I feel like every Fall of the last 6 years has been marked by a bug change in my life.

2012

 In the Fall of 2012 I was newly married and even more newly PREGNANT. I was the happiest girl in the world. And also so, so, so, so sick. I made my pumpkin cookies (the same ones I made tonight) that Fall and immediately threw up from the smell of the pumpkin. Can you see why it brings back so many memories for me? Haha. I was overwhelmed with my second year of teaching, figuring out how to to be a wife, and overwhelmed with excitement and anxiousness of becoming a mom. I was carrying around a human inside me for the first time. It was the most surreal thing in the world. Talk about new beginnings, this Fall started a huge change in my life, and at the same time, it was the last Fall that I would be the old Kaitlin. The more innocent and positive Kaitlin. The Kaitlin before everything changed. 

2013

I don't have a lot of pictures of me from this season. This was the hardest season of my life. Fall of 2013 is burned into my mind and my heart. This time was harder for me than the first few months after losing Madelyn. This is when my strength gave out. This is when everyone's lives moved on and people stopped asking how I was. This is when I realized I wasn't going to get pregnant again easily. This is when my mind and body failed me and I sunk into a deep, dark hole. The leaves this year didn't seem as colorful. We didn't do anything for Halloween. I hardly left the house aside from work. My cat and Nathan were the only things that brought me any joy, but to be honest, I felt no light and no warmth that season. It was a hard place to be. It's when Fall really started to feel heavy for me. The darkness of that time will always be tied to Autumn.

2014

Fall 2014 was a WHIRLWIND. The happiest and scariest and weirdest season of my life. I HAD A FRIGGIN BABY. WHAT?! It was so exciting and so scary. Though I will now say that I feel like a natural mother and very secure in my role, those first couple months were hard. Really hard. I was recovering from an unexpected c-section, we were moving and staying in a temporary home up in Midway away from everything, and I was adjusting to a much slower pace of life as I had left my full-time teaching job to stay home. I have so many happy memories and it's fun to look back now at that time, though it was very hard for me going through it. It was definitely a time of rebirth and healing, and a very new beginning. It didn't erase the pain from the previous year, but it certainly helped heal my heart and love Fall again. 

2015

PREGNANT AGAIN. SICK AGAIN. Overwhelmed again. UGGHHH SO SICK. There was a lot more peace though. I was very comfortable in our living situation and my role as a stay-at-home mom, but gosh dangit I was sick.

2016 (yes I am wearing the same sweatshirt in the last 3 pictures hahaha)

 Probably my favorite Fall ever. I was soaking in the amazing time of my 2 little babies in our cute basement apartment. I wasn't pregnant or sick. I wasn't sleeping much, but I was loving every second of those two little babies. It was a magic time. I didn't know it then, but it was our last Fall in Utah. I am glad I was really able to be there in the moment and enjoy it. It's a very happy time in my life. 

2017

This season marked another very hard and low point in my life. In regular Kaitlin fashion, I was PREGNANT. AND SICK. Soooo incredibly sick. Sicker than I had ever been, and I had two needy kids to take care of. We had moved to California three months earlier, and that move threw me for a loop. It was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. By the time October hit, I was anxious and stressed and depressed. Pregnancy hormones weren't helping. I missed Utah so much, especially once Fall hit and the leaves weren't really changing and the weather stayed warm. We were in a huge unknown and scary place of life. Little money, no job prospects, and I was having to teach extra hours, throwing up during these early-morning classes. I didn't have many friends yet, and my family was far away. I started to feel regret about getting pregnant. Like we had made a mistake to bring a baby into such a weird time in our lives. Like I couldn't handle it. It was a heavy time for me.

2018

It's crazy to me that Fall is here again, yet 2017 Fall seems years away. Mia is here now. I can't even remember life before her. She was just what we needed. I feel like she calmed the storm in my heart. Our direction in life feels much for established and less scary. I feel more secure in life. I AM ALSO NOT PREGNANT AND NOT SICK! YAYY!!! We went back to Utah for a visit. It was perfect to go in the Fall. I was worried that I would cry and miss it so much and never want to leave. I loved our time there, but it didn't feel like it's where we belonged at the moment. It was a really therapeutic trip, and I am so glad we got to go in the Fall. My favorite season. My hardest season. A season of changing and healing. I know there will be more Autumns that are hard, and more that bring me joy, but I am thankful that I can know each year is a chance to start again, and no pain will last forever.

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald