the life I have now

I was 14. I wore way too much eyeliner and spent too much time doing my hair. I tried to sneak suuuuper short shorts to change into at school, and I was boy crazy and cared way too much what other people thought of me. I was already thinking about who I might marry and what kind of life we'd have. I was already dreaming about being a mom. If I had been able to take a peek at where I am today, I would be SO happy. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I was 18. I was living on my own in a new state. I had bleach-blonde hair that was so damaged it wouldn't grow. I loved big, chunky necklaces, and still didn't know how to do my makeup. I was in a abusive relationship. I was depressed and scared and a shadow of my former self. I worried that this is what love was, and scared of what my future might look like. I craved to be loved and supported and wanted for who I was. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I was 21. I was saying goodbye to the love of my life. I had spent the last 2 years healing and growing and falling in love, and now I had to spend the next 2 years re-learning how to function in a world without my best friend. I was scared and sad and terrified. I felt ready to marry him that minute, but knew it wasn't the time. But 2 years could change so much. I wish so much I could fast forward time, or at least get a glimpse of the future to know just how things would be at the end of that very long wait. I wanted to marry him and have babies with him and grow old with him. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I was 24. I thought my dream life was right in front of me, and it was violently ripped away from me. I had never experiences loss or pain or anger or sadness that way, and I would never be the same again. I cried for months. I spent hours on my knees pleading to be a mother. I hid from the world. It hurt to see babies and happy families. My heart ached for what I had lost more than I thought possible. All I had ever wanted in life was to be a mother, and it felt as if it would never happen. 

The life I have now is the life I dreamed of then.

I have spent a lot of my life wish for what came next. But I always thought once I had a husband and kids, everything would be perfect. I have learned that's not the case, and life will always have trials, but gosh-dangit, I AM LIVING OUT MY DREAM. I have wanted to be a mother since I could remember. I picked baby names and shopped for baby clothes as a teenager. My role as a mother is hard and more amazing than I thought possible. My babies are more than I ever could have dreamed. I always thought often about the kind of man I would marry, and Nathan is more than I thought existed. I have the life I prayed for every day of my life. Things aren't perfect. We don't have it all together, but gosh we have it so good. If Kaitlin at 14, 18, 21, or 24 could see a small glimpse of Kaitlin at 30, they would be so stoked for the future. And they should be, because this life is beautiful! I want to stop waiting for everything to be perfect and realize that the things I have now are the things I've always prayed for. It doesn't get much better than this.