when "worst case scenario" becomes your scenario

Thank you for all the beautiful and positive responses, emails, comments, letters, and calls about Madelyn's Story. It was a hard story to write but I am so glad that I did. Thank you, for your continued support during this time.

I have wanted to say more on this time in my life. To say it's the hardest thing I have ever gone through would be an understatement, and I know documenting my emotions may help me and others in the future.

But what do you say when "worst case scenario" becomes your scenario? Becomes your life? I have heard a million stories about third trimester stillborns, but I never thought I would be able to relate to them.

My days go back and forth. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes I wake up feeling fine.

It's been hard recovering from the normal pains from labor. It was hard when my breast milk came in. But in the strangest way, I don't want either of those things to go away. They are my ties to her. The only real proof I have that I gave birth. The only things that make me feel like a mother.

A coworker brought us dinner the other night and it threw me back into the "real world." I don't want to be in the real world. Nathan and I have been cooped up, spending 24/7 together since last Thursday night when we found out. Even though there has been great sadness, we were together and safe to let it all out. Even though I love my dear, sweet coworker, her presence reminded me that not only do I have to face this tragedy, I have to face life again. She asked me questions about my plans now that I will not be a stay-at-home mom. Decisions have to be made. Decisions I don't want to make because I wasn't supposed to have to make them.

I am still finding my strength in the Gospel and in the knowledge that she is where she should be and is so much happier than she would be here. My heartache is selfish in that way, but it's very real. The hardest thing is loosing the future we had planned with her.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith

There are times when I can almost feel her with me. I felt her in the hospital. I was holding her lifeless body, but I felt her spirit there. I felt her Monday night when I held our new kitten in her bedroom and cried because as sweet as our kitty is, I planned on holding a baby in that room. I felt her as I typed out her story. I am so thankful for those moments where the veil seems thin and she doesn't seem so far away.

I know she loves me and misses me too. I know she wants me to be happy. And I know that I will be.

I do feel like I am handling this whole situation much better than I could have imagined, but there are plenty of weak moments. It's know it's important to feel the sadness and not always be strong. I know it's important to grieve and to let my heart break. I just wish it wasn't.

So what have I learned needs to happen when worst case scenario happens? We have to go on. Slowly, one step at a time. We have to trust in the Lord and trust in ourselves and the strength that we might not even know we have. We have to cry. We have to be sad. But we also have to hope and look forward. I'm working on that part right now.

I have found so much peace and comfort in this talk. Please, take a minute to read or watch it. It is given for those who have lost children, but really can be applied to any death or any hard time in our lives. It gives me hope. I can't wait to be with Madelyn again. I know I will be.

"I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.. I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy." -Shayne M. Bowen