Ode to My Valentine

WARNING: I am going to be super mushy in this post. When it comes to my husband, I always want to be mushy but Valentine's gives me a good excuse. Plus this is our last Valentine's day without babies and I am feeling very sentimental. So if you don't like mushy stuff, stop reading. Or you can be like my family and keep reading and then make fun of me later. Whatever floats your boat!

Dear Valentine, 

The first Valentine's day we ever spent together was 5 years ago. I had been on a date with someone else. It went well but ended early, so I decided to stop by my best friend's house and tell him all about it. I realize now what a stupid girl I was and how it probably hurt you to hear me gush about another guy. But I was 19, give me a break! You didn't say anything though, you just smiled and told me you were happy for me. You never wavered in your love and support of me, even when it was hard. It probably helped that you were convinced we were going to get married one day and you just had to be patient. Little did I know that in one month from that night, I would be dumping that Valentine's date and committing myself completely to you. It's a testament to your patience. One of your most amazing qualities that still blows me away. You waited for me long before I ever waited for you. I will always be thankful for that.

You are the most caring and light-hearted person in the world. I have never seen someone who can make everyone laugh the way you do. I love watching the joy you bring to other peoples' lives because you have brought so much to mine. Every one of your mission companions has told me that you were their favorite companion. I think that's a sign that people like you. And why shouldn't they? You are kinda the bomb. You have a way of making people feel comfortable and making people feel cared about and listened to. Then of course, there is your weirdo side. It might take you a minute to fully show everyone that side of you, but when you do, no one can stop laughing. That's one of the biggest reasons I married you; how much you make me laugh. Even when I am grumpy, busy, sad, or distracted; you make me laugh. There hasn't been a day of our marriage that you haven't taken the time to add your own personal brand of sunshine to my life.

Loving you has always been easy, but our lives haven't always been. We had to work hard to come together and work hard for the things we wanted. We had to be patient. Oh soooo very patient. We had to say goodbye, which is something I still can't fathom. How the heck did we do that? I really, truly learned what it meant to love you those years you were gone and the month after you returned. We sacrificed a lot and still got each other in the end. That is the greatest prize I can think of. It fixes all those days and nights without you. It helps heal the 2 Valentine's days I spent alone. It makes it okay that I cried basically the entire 3 months before you came home and worried we could never be the same. Things weren't the same. They were better. We are the luckiest people alive.

Thank you for "maintaining" my high-maintenance self. I know I can be hard to love, but you have never faltered. I think back to when we first started dating and I was such a mess and you loved every bit of who I was anyways. That's when I started to love myself and really become myself. All these years later you can still do it. You tell me how pretty I am every day. You hold me when I irrationally cry over the ending to a book. You apologize when I yell at you for wanting to keep the bottle of steak sauce until it runs out even if I think the fridge is too crowded. You make me a lunch every morning and scratch my back each night. You help with the chores and never complain. You run out to get me donuts when I crave them. You let me buy way too many baby outfits. You run errands for me when I am tired. You let me lay around when I have the grumpies. You take me on fun dates and buy me pretty things. You listen to my venting and ridiculous stories even when I know you don't care. You try to be involved in things that interest me and get so excited if you hear a piece of celebrity gossip before I do. You watch the Bachelor with me and pretend to care who goes home. Just that ounce of effort from you means so much to me.

Your testimony and strength in the Gospel strengthens mine every day. When I want to be a lazy disciple, you don't let me and I am so thankful you don't! You are constantly looking for ways to be better and stronger. You are constantly striving to serve the Lord and the people around you. You never miss a meeting or calling or chance to serve if you can help it. I can remember just a few weeks back to an early Sunday morning when the phone rang and you jumped out of bed to help shovel snow while I slept for 2 more hours. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to be the best person. You inspire and lift me up every day.

You are such a kid at heart and it keeps our life and marriage so fun. But at the same time, you know when to be serious. You are the hardest worker I know. A demanding, full-time job and well as a demanding, full-time school schedule. Not to mention that demanding wife of yours ;) But you hardly ever complain. You work hard and have the end goal in sight. You are doing this for us and our future and I am so thankful. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom and you are making that possible for me. It's the greatest gift.

You make me feel so safe. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally. You are so protective of me and our family and I love that. I know you would do whatever it takes to keep me safe and happy. I also know my heart and my spirit are safe with you forever. After my past relationships, this was something I didn't think was possible with love. But you fixed me. Fixed broken pieces from a mess that you didn't make. But you did it willingly and lovingly and even today when an old scar reemerges, you know just what to do. I trust my heart and my future to you with 100% certainty. That's the most comforting feeling in the world.

I am so excited to watch you become a father. You already are becoming one. You have a way with kids and I can't wait to watch you with ours. I love when you talk about the future with our babies. When you talk about coming home at night and them running up to you with hugs and kisses and how excited you are. I love when you rub my belly and talk to our baby and tell her how much you love her. You are going to be the most incredible father and she is going to be the luckiest little girl in the world. She already has you and your big heart wrapped completely around her finger.

You are the most selfless person I know and it is hands down the quality I admire most about you. I have never felt that you put your needs above mine, or anyone's for that matter. You are always thinking and worrying about others. You have such a strong desire to serve and love everyone around you. It humbles me so much. You never speak bad about others or gossip at all. You see the good in anyone and every situation even if you have to look hard to find it.

Thank you for being patient when I wasn't ready to date. Thank you for loving me through the hard times. Thank you for making the sacrifice to serve a mission. Thank you for coming home to me. Thank you for marrying me in the temple. Thank you for loving me every day. Thank you for treating me like a princess; the way I dreamed my future husband would treat me when I was a little girl. Thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world.

So happy Valentine's day my dear, sweet Nathan. Our lives are about to be changed forever, but I am more than ready to take that adventure with you. I am ready for anything, as long as you're next to me. I chose you 5 years ago and I will choose you again every day for the rest of forever. I love you more than you know and it's growing each day. You're the best decision I ever made.

when Katie comes to play

Today gets it's own blog post because it's a favorite event of mine that doesn't get to happen as often as I would like.

So I have a BFF named Katie that you all know.

We are busy ladies with opposite schedules, and don't get to see each other very much.

(Remember when we used to sleep in the same room, Kaite? Those were the good days).

But tonight, Katie came to play!

More specifically, to paint nails!

I love having a friend like Katie. 

A friend who I haven't gone a day without talking to since I met her.

True story.

(The only exceptions are the times I've been in Mexico with no phone service).

We can't see each other as much as we'd like, but I never feel distant from her.

And I know I can go to her for anything.

I love that she comes into my home and it feels so comfortable.

I love that she gets along so well with my husband

and that she understands me like few do.

Tonight we talked about what our lives were like a year ago. WEIRD.

Even weirder, discussing what our lives were like THREE years ago when we first met.

We have certainly been through quite a bit.

I love her.

And I love that she has shellac nail supplies that she lets me borrow.

I love when Katie comes to play.

countdowns.

Sometimes I blog 5 times a week. Sometimes not once. My consistency needs work.

We had a lovely weekend that was filled with friends and family but more on that later.

Countdowns, guys.
Am I right?

I used to countdown to evverryything when Nathan was on his mission. It helped time pass faster. That HUGE countdown that started at 730 days was way too daunting. So I broke it up into fun events and milestones. I had a countdown app on my phone and it was fun to keep track of everything.

When Nathan got home, we started the countdown to our wedding. After that, I kinda forgot about countdowns for a bit. Then I got knocked up and May 22 seemed like a lifetime away. So countdowns have started again! And we have been planning a million fun things for us to do to make not only my due date come faster, but to make winter go away faster. No one likes you winter. Seriously, go away.

Here's our list of countdowns so far..

4 days.. Valentine's surprise weekend!

9 days.. Move in day!! We finally get to move! Also it's Jessica's birthday!

11 days.. Idaho trip to see the Merkley's!

46 days.. Babymoonaversary!!! (yes that's a baby moon/anniversary trip).

53 days.. General Conference and my family comes to visit!!

54 days.. 1 year of marriage bliss!

58 days.. Nathan finishes another dang semester of school and starts a much lighter load for the summer.

60 days.. the CLARK COUNTY FAIR in NV!!! (most people will have no idea what this is. But to us.. it's huge. Also.. I will be huge at this point. Oh joy)!

96 days.. I turn 25!

100 days.. little lady's due date!!

ps. Wouldn't it be toes cray-cray if she came on my birthday? I wouldn't even mind! Best present ever!

So this is what's keeping me sane these days with endless snow, crazy work days, hardly seeing Nathan during the week, and trouble sleeping at night. Winter is almost done. Work is almost done. Nathan's crazzzy semester is almost done. 100 days is nothing! I once waited 730. Pretty sure I can do this. Thanks for teaching me patience, Nathan's mission!

Well.. kinda.

Auf Wiedersehen Elder Bendixen!

Monday night we had FHE with a whole bunch of Graff's!

I love having a lot of family in Utah. When I first moved here 7 years ago I had none! Now there are 4 different Graff families out here and even one from the Rosenlof side! It's great.

We got together with the Graff side on Monday at my grandparent's to see my cousin Zach one last time before he heads to Germany for 2 years to serve an LDS mission! I was so excited to see him and his parents. They all live in PA so we don't get to see them as much as I would like. (I still wish they brought Allie. She is totally my favorite Bendixen).

Doran enjoying his ice cream.

Nathan and Benny having an important conversation about Angry Birds.

Don't mind as I massively take over my husband.

We did a lot of talking and eating, us Graffs are a loud group. But I love it. Afterwards, Nana read us some old journal entries she had written about Zach when he was little. It's funny because I remember him as a baby too. He's only 4 years younger than me but I remember carrying him around and pretending he was my son, haha. Then we sang "Called to Serve" and people started crying. Then Papa talked about how proud he is of all his grandchrildren and even more people started crying. Us Graff's are big criers too. We can't help it!
Then it was time for photoshoots with Zach. Such a lucly dog.

Proud grandparents. Then send off another grandson in a couple weeks! Yay Dallen!

Cousin shot! Jessi and Marshall are the only Utah ones missing. They said something about "home work" or "college" or something. It didn't make sense.

Poor Zach. Everyone made him touch my belly and we were laughing so hard. People from his mission are going to look him up on Facebook and think he has a knocked up girlfriend at home. Haha :)

I am so thankful for family. I am thankful that even though there are a million Graffs (my dad is 1 of 8), I feel close to each one of my cousins and aunts and uncles. It was strange to me when I met Nathan and he told me that he hadn't seen or spoken to some of his cousins and relatives since he was a small child. My relatives (both sides) are always all up in each other's bizznas. Maybe it's because we are all so loud! Who knows. I am thankful for loving grandparents who are my Utah home away from home. I am thankful all my extended family is strong in the church and that I can see off two of my "little boy" cousins on missions this month.

Good luck Elder Bendixen!! Kick some butt!

Good things about today

• I feel like I am coming back out of the teaching rut I have been in the last couple months. It was so hard after my amazing year last year to be dreading work this year. But today feels really good. I have been constantly praying for my students as well as myself and I really feel like things are coming along for the both of us. I am feeling really good again :)
• We had a special guest teacher in Language Arts today. Our speech pathologist, David, came and gave a following directions lesson using origami. The kids had so much fun!
• I have been productive all day! Haven't wasted a minute. Even right now I only have the time to blog because I am all caught up!
• I get to see a whole bunch of extended family tonight! I love going out to my Nana and Papa's house which we don't get to do often. I will also see my cousin Zach for the last time before he heads of to Germany on his mission. Plus we are going to eat cookies and ice cream. So there ya go!
• My hips were hurting so bad last night that I couldn't fall asleep. I could not get comfortable for the life of me. It sucked. Finally, I woke up husband up and he stayed awake and scratched my back and played with my hair until I finally dozed off. I really, really love him.
• I took the fast lane all the way to work today without getting stuck behind a slow-moving idiot ONCE. It was fantastic!
• The sweet man I share a classroom wall with gave me the most uplifting talk about staying home with my kids when I shared the news with him that I won't be coming back. It was really what I needed to hear. But I am going to miss him and his funny youtube videos.
• The inversion may be hellish today, but hey, the roads are clear! YAY FOR NO SNOW!
• And the temperature is still in the 20's. I am fine with these double-digits.
• Most of my kids did pretty decent on their vocab quiz.
•  I got some things done that I have been meaning to do forever.
• I feel on top of my planning and I know where my classes are heading for the end of the school year.
• I had a student ask if he could leave his origami frogs in my classroom so they wouldn't distract him during his other classes.
• My 8th period of crazies are working so hard and quietly right now.
• I am 3 weeks away from my third trimester. It's almost the home stretch. It kind of blows my mind. No, it completely blows my mind!
• This weekend will be full of friends and family.
• Next weekend is Valentine's weekend! I am so excited to take Nathan away for a surprise! 
• I trusted one of my naughty students to run an errand for me and not goof off, and he did it!
• Watching one of my students try to talk me into approving him for AP Geography next year. Poor dear. "What's so hard about geography?!"
• I swallowed my pride and mustered all the patience I could and took one of my behavior students out into the hall to talk about what was bothering him. He was pissing me off hardcore, but I knew it was because he was having a hard time. I wanted to just send him to the office but I didn't! Kaitlin- 1 Pride-0
• My doctor called and I passed my glucose test with flying colors! No diabetes for me!!

FOOD.

I was just thinking, "Man I should blgo about our totally fun weekend."

Except that all of Saturday I didn't even brush my hair or put on makeup and only left the house when we went to get donuts. 

Basically we ate this weekend. And it was wonderful.

I realize this picture looks super gross. But this is my new favorite crock pot recipe! It doesn't really have a name. Let's call it.. Chicken-Stuffing-Crap.

Almost too pretty to eat. But don't worry. We ate them all.

That was my food baby Sunday morning. Haha, oh man. I'm so funny.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend filled with food and merriment. And food.

"Leaving Education"

The other day I was filling out my letter of resignation for my job. (They like their resignations early, haha). It's nothing intense, just basic information and letting them know when and why I am leaving. It was simple enough to do, and then I got to this part:

I stared at it forever because I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to check. I figured it would just be "other" and I could fill in that I was having a baby, but then it hit me: the box I was supposed to check was "leaving education." I am leaving education. I am not going to be a teacher anymore. At least not in the professional sense. For some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I sat at my desk and cried.

I have been so excited to have this baby that the fact that I am leaving education for who knows how long hadn't really hit me until that moment. Being a special ed teacher has been my dream since I was in 8th grade and I first worked at the Special Olympics. I worked hard for my education and I enjoyed every second of it. I taught preschool to put myself through college so I have literally been in "education" since I was 20 and it's so hard to imagine anything else.

When I was growing up, I didn't really imagine myself as a career woman but because the way my life went, I kind of fell into a very successful and rewarding career without really trying to. I loved it and thrived in it. Even with the trials of the present school year (and all the other years), I have always loved what I do. I have always felt successful and proud of what I do. It's been so fulfilling in a way I didn't imagine. I have met so many people who have changed my life and will be my friends forever. I have meet so many students who have love me, stretched me thin, worn down my patience, made me laugh, completed me, and taught me more than I could ever teach them. Teaching taught me who I am.

*DISCLAIMER* Leaving is going to be hard. But I don't want to me one of those downer women who thinks that being a stay-at-home mom won't fulfill me, because I know it will. I have never been so excited or thankful for something in my whole life. So please, no comments about how wonderful being at home with the babies is and how I should be grateful for it. I realize that. But I feel the need to pay homage to the wonderful years I have spent working as a teacher.

I think being a special ed teacher prepared me more for motherhood than anything else ever could have. I learned true patience. I learned how to go with the flow when the plans don't work. (Which they almost never do). I learned how to love unconditionally. I learned how to give when I didn't think I could give more. I learned how to gain respect from children. I learned how to break through walls. I learned how much parents affect the child's overall success in life. We mold them before anyone or anything else ever does. I learned how to collaborate and work with others. I learned how to really force myself out of my comfort zone. I learned how to love the unlovable. I learned how to smile when I have a 103 fever and want to die. I learned that all children really want in this life is to be loved and listened to. I learned that teaching them to be good human beings is more important than anything from a text book.

I know that my teaching will not stop here. In fact, I know that the most important teaching I will ever do will be in my own home over the course of the next several years. But I don't think I would feel ready for this task without the lessons I learned being up in front of my classroom. They are some of my fondest memories, and it's because of those years that I feel ready to be the best mom I can be.

So while I may officially be "leaving education" in the formal sense in a few months, I know it won't ever really leave me. I am so thankful I had these years to teach and grow and learn. And even more grateful for the great teaching adventure ahead of me.