because writing you letters makes me feel better

Dear Madelyn,

Today is your due date. It doesn't necessarily mean you were actually going to be born today, but for me it's the official marker of when you should have been here and the not-so-subtle reminder that you are not.

Sometimes I go a whole day without crying. But I don't ever go a day without thinking of you, which means I don't ever go a day without being sad. Sometimes I just want to fast forward to the future where the pain is not so fresh. I want to jump to a time where I hadn't made plans involving you. This summer was filled with you and me and daddy plans. Maybe by Fall, things will feel better. Although I often worry that things will never feel better.

I'm not biter of other women who have babies. I worried that I would be angry that others got to keep their babies, but I am not mad. I'm just sad; sad I don't have you. The "plans" are really the hardest part. I planned on keeping you with me here on Earth and having to reconcile the fact that isn't happening is still hard to do. It makes me sad. Sad, sad, sad. I wish I had a better adjective. It's a selfish sad, but I think of all the things we were going to do. I think of how one of my very best friends in the entire world is coming to stay with us this weekend. I think about how she was supposed to meet you when she came. I want you to meet her Madelyn. I wanted to see her hold you and love you.

I spent the weekend with my family; your family. I held and kissed and played with your cousins and it brought me so much happiness. But they are not you. It seems so wrong that you won't play with them in England this Christmas. It feels so wrong that I heard my little brother talking about his niece dying. He shouldn't have to be saying that. Sometimes, over a month later, it still doesn't seem real. I watched a TV show about a woman's birth story and it didn't bother me. But when I heard your daddy playing make-believe with your cousin, Ava, for hours on end, my heart broke. He's so ready to be a daddy. That's when the pain comes. Not when I see others having babies, but when I see what we have lost.

I know other babies will come. I know that. I know I am incredibly blessed to even be able to carry a baby. But some days, those words bring little, if any, comfort. I could have a million babies and I would still miss you every day.

I usually try to end on a positive note, but today I don't want to. Today is a hard day and I just want to be sad. I want to cry until I get a cry headache and I want to look at my pictures of you and I want to mope a little bit and eat a lot of ice cream. It's okay to have days like this (or so the books tell me), so today I am just going to miss you all I want!

I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon.

birthday trip according to my iPhone

Nathan and I took work off on Friday and headed home to California for my 25th birthday.

Kelsey and Blake happened to be in town as well.

It was the perfect trip and the exact medicine my heart needed.

We did take a ton of pictures, but here are the low-quality ones from my phone.

There are a billion. Try not to enjoy them too much.

On the plane! So exciiited

 Friday we did some shopping and laying around and some In-N-Outing

I don't think we've ever looked better

Friday night turned into a snuggle-fest/Hugh Grant marathon

 In Ava's words: "We could eat ice cream and watch a movie and have a fire in the fireplace and just stay."

 Saturday was the big 2-5 and I woke up to birthday hugs and a crown!

Nathan brought me I Love Bagels (the best bagel place in all the world), I got to open presents and we had a perfectly lazy day.

Always something in his mouth.

The can is empty, but I just love how cool she thinks she is while holding it.

 Ava and Uncle Nathan played Toy Story for hours

My little sister and her husband are cat sitting for us right now and sent this to me. Jessica has taught Lady how to write!

We spent the evening in down town Laguna Beach. We had dinner at BJ's, played on the beach, and ended the night at Dairy Queen.

 Picture inception.

Love this guy, he made my birthday perfect. 

The vacation is slowly coming to end, as all vacations do. This has been such a therapeutic trip and just what I needed. I love being with my family and sleeping in my parents house, in the bed I grew up in. It's been just glorious!

I'll leave you with my brothr-in-law spooning my husband.

You're welcome.

and then I blogged again

Nathan worked so hard to make me feel special on Mother's Day.
I've blogged a bajillion times the past few days but I want to document it.
Because I struck gold when I married this guy. For serriiiooouuuss.

I woke up to breakfast in bed and beautiful yellow flowers.
He even sang "Happy Mother's Day to you."
Which is just taking the happy birthday song but switching up the words.
He sat in bed and ate with me and we watched some 30 Rock.
Then I got to open a few little gifts, including a subscription to People magazine!
Call me shallow, but I am stoked. He knows me so well.

Later in the day we had a picnic. The weather was so amazing!
We ate and talked and laid in the grass reading. Ohhh Summer. How I love thee.
I also got another beautful flower arrangement from my sister and brother-in-law.
They live alllllll the way in New Zealand and I love their guts for thinking of me.

I then relaxed while Nathan cleaned the whole apartment and made me dinner.
We watched a movie and ate and then the cheesecake came out.
YOU GUYS. I LOVE CHEESECAKE SO MUCH.

Sometimes life is hard and I want to complain.
But when I really think about it, I have no reason to complain while this guy is beside me.
I really like him. I think I might even like, like him.

1 month

I have seen pictures like this before and I will be honest, I made fun of them. I thought they were cheesy. But that night while I lay in my hospital bed having been in labor all day with a baby I knew I wasn't going to get to keep, seeing Nathan by my side overwhelmed me. I had always known Nathan loved me, and I always knew I loved him, but the I never truly realized the depth of our love until April 11th when a random doctor told us our baby had died. Those 2 days spent in the hospital and the weeks afterwards made me realize it even more.

In this moment, I was exhausted. I had spent the last 24 hours crying. I had spent the day in labor. I hadn't slept. I was in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. My IV was dripping and hurting me. When I looked down at it and saw my sweetheart patiently holding my hand, I was just struck by the love I felt and how it mixed so strangely with the pain. It was such a simple gesture, one I have seen a million times before, but that night it meant something different. It meant I wasn't alone. It meant I would be okay. We would be okay.

I have felt so small when compared to this trial.That night was the tiniest I have ever felt. But Nathan holding my hand made me feel strong. We are a team, he and I, and we have been for 6 years now. He has held my hand through everything, but it never meant as much as it did that night.

At times I think about the unfairness of it all. We are too young for this. We have only been married a year, why do we already have such a mountain to climb? We had to wait to be married, now we have to wait for children? Why do so many others get to keep their babies? Why did it have to happen so late in the pregnancy? Why can't I keep her? I could go on and on about my "why me" complaint sessions. I've had a lot of them. I won't say that time has made this make sense. But it has made it a little easier.

It's been a month since my world fell apart and I can say gladly that I'm still alive. Some days seem easy. Some days are really, really hard. I still miss Madelyn like crazy. Some nights her absence is palpable. Sometimes I think about her and I smile. Sometimes when I think of her, I feel the giant hole in my heart rip open again. But the good days are becoming more and more common. The hard days becoming less and less intense. We continue to receive so much love and support. I have watched others go through things in this past month that make my trials look like tiny ant hills. They have truly humbled and inspired me. They have made my "why me" pity parties seem so silly.

This post is just kinda rambly. I was just struck by so many emotions when I looked at that picture again today and remembered all that has happened this past month. I was hurting really bad the night this picture was taken, but I felt a lot of peace in that simple moment of my husband by my side, holding my hand. The simple gesture has helped several times since. A lot of the time, when the pain resurfaces, there aren't any words to heal us. In those moments, he holds my hand and I remember again that we are going to be okay.

Mother's Day

Dear Madelyn,

Today is Mother's Day. I have been worried about this day since I found out I lost you. While it hasn't been as hard as I was worried it would be, I still feel like something is missing. Not something- you. You are missing. And I am missing you. More than you know.

Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful today. They have all made sure I know that I am still a mom, even if I don't have a baby to prove it. It's hard to feel like a mom sometimes. I often find myself in the blame game. If I was a mom, wouldn't I have been able to take care of my baby? Shouldn't I have been able to keep her alive? It's a destructive and vicious game with no winners. I try to avoid it, but sometimes it's hard.

Nathan told me last night that all of our kids are going to require certain things, but all you needed was a body. I gave you what you needed and you were able to move on. He told me how thankful he knows you are that I provided that for you. My mom told me the definition of mother was "sacrifice" and I did just that. It's things like that bring me so much comfort and hope and actually make me feel like a mother.

This bracelet was given to me as a gift last week. I wear it every day because it makes me think of you. I love the infinity sign and it how it reminds me that even though we have to be separated for a while, we get to be together forever one day. It's a beautiful reminder of you, my beautiful little girl, that I get to carry with me every day.

Thank you for making me a mother, my sweet Madelyn. I'll close my letter to you the same way I would close the letters I sent to your daddy when he was on his mission.

I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon. 

 Love always,
   your Mama

mamas

Happy Mother's Day to all! Time to shout out to my favorite mamas.

My mama is my absolute best friend. I have been told my whole life how much I look like her, but the older I get, I realize just how much I act like her. Nathan tells me all the time, "That was such a Dana thing to say." It makes me laugh but I am more than okay with becoming more and more like my mom. Because she is awesome! She is strong, faithful, funny, selfless, compassionate, honest, giving, loving.. I could go on and on. My mom has sacrificed her whole life for us kids, and I am so glad I am at the point now in my life where I can really realize all that she has done for me. I could not ask for a better mother. I love that I can go to her with my deepest sorrows and concerns, but I can also go to her to discuss Kim Kardashian's maternity wardrobe. She always seems to be exactly what I need. When everything went down last month and we lost Madelyn, she was on the first flight out to Utah. I can remember that the second the doctor told us the news, my first thought was, "I want my mom." 24 years old and I still need her for the hard times. I felt like I couldn't make sense of this until she was here. I knew she couldn't fix anything, but she could make it easier. And she did. Seeing her instantly brought me strength. She did so much of the dirty work (what to do with the body, medical questions, phone calls from family) so that Nathan and I didn't have to. She never left my side and even slept on a tiny love seat in my hospital room. She continues to check up on me every day and let's me rant my irrational and dramatic emotions to her. She is taking a care of me even as an adult. I could not be more grateful. I love my mom so much. She is the epitome of what I want to be when I grow up.

I could not ask for a better mother-in-law. I have heard so many friends tell horror stories of mother-in-laws and I used to be so afraid before I met Celeste. I was a young 19-year-old when I met her. I was just some little girl her son was dating and she didn't need to take me seriously. But she did, and made me feel at home and welcome from day one. When Nathan left on his mission, I was so worried I could be losing his family as well as him, but I didn't! Celeste invited me out and opened her home to me so often and I loved being there. They became my family before Nathan and I were ever married. She is such an example to me of a woman who has been through so much in her life and has stayed strong and grown through trials. She is the definition of patience and I hope to have just a tiny portion of that with my own children. She is so faithful and stalwart and I look up to her so much. She raised an amazing man and that can only be done by an amazing woman. I love her and am so thankful for what she does and continues to do for me and for Nathan. She's an incredible woman, wife, and mother.

 My big sister, Kelsey, is exactly what a big sister should be. A best friend, a clothes-sharer, a confidant, a hair dresser, a secret-keeper, a protector. We get closer every day and I am so happy and blessed to have her in my life. I really don't know where I would be without her. She is so thoughtful. I really don't know of someone who thinks of others more than she does. She basically planned my entire wedding. Not even kidding. She took all the stress away from me and worked so hard.She was also the amazing hair stylist who did my awesome wedding hair. She always makes sure I am feeling okay and have what I need. Her support, love, and words have gotten me through the past month. She is hundreds of miles away but I have felt like she is right here with me. She has been a mother to me since I was little and I have loved watching her become a mother to her own children. She made me an aunt for the first time 4-and-a-half years ago. I love her two babies like they are my own. She is such a loving and incredible mother and has been such an example to me of the kind of mother I want to be. She is always there when I need to talk. Whether I have a question, or some celebrity gossip, or if my heart is breaking- she is always there. Wonderful friend, wonderful sister, wonderful mama. I just love her!

And now my other big sister, Amanda. Like I said about Celeste, Amanda made me feel apart of the Merkley family immediately. She has become a best friend over the years and sometimes I forget that I haven't known her my entire life. She is a constant means of support; always making sure I am doing okay. She also keeps me laughing with random pictures and Clark quotes. She is one of the kindest and most selfless people I know. She cares so much about other people. She truly loves everyone and wants them to be happy. She just has a way of making me feel loved and happy. I really admire that about her. She made me an aunt for the second time, just a few weeks after Kelsey had Ava. I absolutely adore her two little boys with all my heart. I didn't know you could love little babies so much! They are two crazy little guys and I love how fun and patient she is with them. She is amazing. She was made to be a mother of little boys. A few weeks ago she sent us the most incredible package and my favorite part was a giant stack of envelopes to open when we were feeling sad or needed a pick-me-up. It was the most thoughtful and heartfelt gesture and has meant more than she could know. I have had so much fun opening them slowly over the last few weeks and remembering how much she loves us and how freaking lucky I am to have the in-laws I do.

a worky update

I am getting bad at blogging again. It's because I'm back at work and busy all the time. I guess I could blog about work..

Okay. You convinced me!
Work is actually going really well. Aside from my 8th period class that has all the emotionally disturbed (real resource classification, I'm not trying to be mean) students and they all hate each other. That's a very tension-filled 47 minutes. Other than that, things are great.

It's so nice being back with my kids. I am excited to teach them again next year. I have 2 student who are what we call "drop-out risks" which is exactly what it sounds like. I was worried about sending them on to new teachers next year after I had finally gotten them to open up. Now I get another year to get their grades, behavior, and confidence up so they can be successful and not drop out! It's still seems weird that I am going to be teaching high school next year. When I was in college, I planned on only teaching elementary. Now I can't imagine being anywhere else!

I always love the end of the school year. Even though kids are getting antsy, it's still so much fun. And I love taking my kids outside! Today was so hot, we had to move into the shade. How magical is that?! Thank you dear weather Gods, for finally bringing the sun to Utah!

I've been instagramin' it UP these days! I instagram way more than I facebook. I mostly only go on facebook to see peoples' pictures but now people are all dumb all over the place. Instagram is way better. Here's some work pictures from this week.

A coworker had her sweet special needs students make me this card. They are so cute!

Reading The Outsiders while actually outside. I thought it was funny. My students just stared at me. Either way, it was gorgeous outside and my kids loooovvveee this book which makes me happy.

After the Science CRT. These guys have been rockstars through end of year testing, their language arts scored were amAAAzing, so I let them take a little nap when it was finished.

It's teacher appreciation week so I have been getting a lot of these. My kids know me so well.

I also got this today! I told my kids how breakfast for dinner was the best thing in the world. Turns out they actually listen to the things I say. Sometimes.

So I am really liking work these days.

Hey guys, Nathan also has a job!
He likes it too. He also got a new client at work that is going to double his commission and that is really good news, guys. Really, really good. He doesn't have cool students though, so he doesn't take pictures at work. Basically, his job is not as cool as mine.
Also, I have nothing else to say.