Mother's Day

Dear Madelyn,

Today is Mother's Day. I have been worried about this day since I found out I lost you. While it hasn't been as hard as I was worried it would be, I still feel like something is missing. Not something- you. You are missing. And I am missing you. More than you know.

Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful today. They have all made sure I know that I am still a mom, even if I don't have a baby to prove it. It's hard to feel like a mom sometimes. I often find myself in the blame game. If I was a mom, wouldn't I have been able to take care of my baby? Shouldn't I have been able to keep her alive? It's a destructive and vicious game with no winners. I try to avoid it, but sometimes it's hard.

Nathan told me last night that all of our kids are going to require certain things, but all you needed was a body. I gave you what you needed and you were able to move on. He told me how thankful he knows you are that I provided that for you. My mom told me the definition of mother was "sacrifice" and I did just that. It's things like that bring me so much comfort and hope and actually make me feel like a mother.

This bracelet was given to me as a gift last week. I wear it every day because it makes me think of you. I love the infinity sign and it how it reminds me that even though we have to be separated for a while, we get to be together forever one day. It's a beautiful reminder of you, my beautiful little girl, that I get to carry with me every day.

Thank you for making me a mother, my sweet Madelyn. I'll close my letter to you the same way I would close the letters I sent to your daddy when he was on his mission.

I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon. 

 Love always,
   your Mama