apparenlty all my blog posts are now pictures

Last weekend it was rainy all Saturday and we needed to get out so we drove and got out of the car and walked. I wanted a good view of the city and we got a pretty decent one. We like finding new places to explore.

Nathan always has to pose gay. It makes me want to punch him.

We love summer time!!

Ladygram

Calm down guys! I heard you screaming for more pictures of my cat. You were all, "Kaitlin, you never talk or post about your cat!" And I was like, "I know guys, just chill. Here's a bunch of pictures of her!"

Yeah, we're weirdos who occasionally walk our cat. We're not obsessed or anything.

lots of words that have been in my head but I've been afraid to write

I feel sad and so strangely sentimental today.

To say I have been bad at writing lately would be an understatement. Both on my blog and in my own journal. I think, subconsciously, I have been holding off on writing until I have exciting news to share. Well, I don't have any exciting news to share. And sometimes I worry if I ever will.

I find myself feeling so alone lately. I miss having my constant, kicking companion with me. Things have changed and I have adjusted to this new life. A life with Madelyn in it seems so long ago. But I still miss her. I still crave for the times that never were. I find myself, sometimes, even longing for the teeny, tiny apartment we used to live in because no tragedy ever happened in that one. There wasn't an extra room filled with a crib and baby clothes. There weren't memories of coming back after finding out the news and having no idea what to do. This new apartment has witnessed some of my most devastating and low points. This apartment knows too much. It's like the walls are embedded with sadness.

I find time revolving around April 13, 2013, and I can't seem to stop it. Everything is "3 months before we lost Madelyn" or "Just a couple weeks after we lost the baby." It's defined my life now. I understand how tragedy can do that. I have one other tragic even in my past that I used to think was my lowest point. But even throwing up and having a panic attack on my dorm-room bathroom floor after receiving some not-so-fun-news, seems like a joy ride to some of the emotions I have felt over the past three and a half months.

In the beginning, I was writing every day. It helped me feel better then, but now I shy away from writing, which is something I have never done in my entire life. I feel like I am supposed to be "better" by now, and writing about how I'm not seems to just draw even more attention to the wound that hasn't healed and begins to scare me that it may never do so. And then I start to feel silly, because people have lost so much more than I have. People have suffered such ridiculous amounts and I am still reeling three months later. I have this incredible life. I have a job that I love, a husband who I am kinda stupidly obsessed with, a family who loves and supports me, a religion that brings me so much hope and peace, a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, friends who love me and make me laugh, a healthy body.. the list goes on and on. But I feel so empty since my child was taken from me. Sometimes, I feel her kick. I don't like to say it out loud, but I do. It's a common symptom of mother's who have lost a pre-born baby, phantom kicking, but it breaks my heart each time, because I still have that split second of happiness before it crashes down and I realize I'm crazy.

I don't sit around depressed though. That's another blessing. I've been quite busy, but there are just days when the sadness comes and it's hard to shake once it's hit. One benefit from going through all of this is that it really shook me up in multiple ways. It called into light a lot of the things about myself that I wasn't particularly fond of. I have made a lot of changes these past few months. I am a lot closer to becoming the person I always said I wanted to be. Obviously, it's still going to a lifetime of work, but I have taken some major steps in starting to break habits that I used to rationalize. I am a much better person than I was last year. I am also very different. There's a weight in my heart now. I think that once a person has seen so much sadness and felt so utterly destroyed, they never really go back to being the same. I don't think I have lost my optimistic view on life completely, but it has been shaken a bit. I think it's just natural. Bad things happen in life to good people. It's just the way it goes.

I was sad today so I decided to go on a drive. I drove around down town feeling so nostalgic. We live here, so I obviously drive around all the time, but I don't often think about my past walking these streets. I drove past my old dorms and thought how funny that 7 years later, I live just 3 blocks south. I saw two girls standing at the south temple trax stop and thought about the time Jenna and I stood there and a man got into a car accident as he yelled profane things at us out his window. I drove past the house where Nathan and I had our first date and then drove 4 blocks east past the house we fell in love in. If I had wanted to, only 7  blocks to the south would have taken me to the apartments where Nathan lived right before he left on his mission, near the apartments I moved to after I graduated from college and moved to the city to find a job and to wait for Nathan to come home. There isn't an inch in the city that doesn't hold some kind of memory for me. My heart was broken soon after moving here at 18-years-old, it was broken as I said goodbye to Nathan here at 21, it was broken as I moved back here torn between my past and my maybe-future at 23, and it's broken as I live here now at 25. I feel connected to this city in a way that would probably sound so weird to others. I have had a lot of pain as I lived here, but it's also where I have learned my greatest lessons and felt the most love. One day, I know I will get to bring more babies to Earth. I'll probably have some of them in the hospital right up the road. But I will bring all of them back here and I tell them about my broken hearts, and I'll tell them how I eventually got over them. And I'll pray every night that no matter what city their heart's are broken in, that they can move forward to one day teach their babies to do the same thing.

we went on another hike one time

I don't remember when we did this or where we went. Somewhere in the mountains. Obvi. But I found these pictures on our camera. We love little hikes. We are such mountain men. I love, love, love Utah in the summer. If we ever make it out of here, I will really miss being able to just drive 5 minutes into any canyon and find a million trails to take.

how I know I've slowly become a grown-up

+ I make my bed every morning.
+ I bought us an account with CrashPlan, and I was so excited to be able to back up all our pictures, videos, music, and documents online.

+ I can't stand when there are dishes in the sink.

+ My brother-in-law came to stay with us last weekend and on Saturday night he went to go visit a friend. I couldn't fall asleep until he got home.

+ I have said, "Kids these days.." several times.

+ I always wear sunscreen.

+ I often say things my mom would say.

+ I check my credit score every few months.

+ I am really proud of my high credit score.

+ I have a bedtime by my own will and choice.

+ If I stay up past my bedtime,  I feel hung over the next day.

+ I get sentimental over everything.

+ New sponges and cleaning supplies make me really happy.

+ I watch the news on TV.

+ I read the news online.

+ I care about the news.

+ The weather interests me and I discuss it with people.

+ I have less friends, but the ones I have are amazing.

+ I worry about wrinkles.

+ I'd rather be with my family than anyone else.

+ I love cooking.
+ I clean almost every day and hate when the apartment is a mess.
+ Shopping at Costco is my favorite thing ever.
+ I got all paranoid about emergency preparedness and made pretty awesome 72 hour kits for our apartment and car. Kitty stuff included. This website is the best thing ever.
+ I force my husband to take a multi-vitamin every day.
+ I was so excited to buy a toilet brush for our second bathroom so I didn't have to carry the one from our bathroom across the apartment on cleaning day.
+ Nathan and I talk about things like 401k's, retirement, credit, equity, savings, and stocks.
+ I remember everyone's birthdays and send them something.
+ I am learning how to use my sewing machine.
+ I started using Bountiful Baskets so we can get cheap and local produce to eat healthy.
+ I care about eating healthy.
+ I talk to my mom every day.
+ I make sure I drink enough water every day.
+ I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. Yikes.
+ The new 7th grade students entering the middle school I teach were born in the year 2000.
+ I can't sleep-in on the weekends anymore.
+ I read non-fiction books for fun.
+ I get annoyed when I see the way teenage girls dress.
+ I floss.
+ I vote. And care about who wins.
+ I hate when music has swear words.
+ I eat salads. As a meal. Willingly.
+ I constantly want to redecorate my apartment.
+ I've said things like, "I am just really into WWII documentaries right now."
+ A"night out" usually includes eating at Red Robin and going to the dollar theater.
+ I am not ashamed of anything on this list.

why I decided to go private

It's nice to be private.

I decided to go private for a few reasons. One was to go along with my social media cut backs. I still have no facebook and don't know when or if I will go back. It's so refreshing not to have one. Having a private blog as well makes me feel like I am slowly disappearing off the social media front. I also realized I was sharing a lot about myself out on the webs for anyone to read. Sometimes I would forget that everyone could see it. I don't want to censor myself. My blog is where I feel safe and where I write and bare my soul. It's my release. Now I know exactly who is reading my blog, and I really like that.

Another reason is that, truth be told, I am still having a pretty hard time dealing with the loss of Madelyn. I have often gone to write a post about how I feel but realized it was too personal. Now I feel like I can share those feelings because the people reading this blog are people I trust.

I have been incredibly blessed to have the people I do around me during this hard time. Seriously. Friends, family, coworkers.. they have all kicked butt. I have been blessed with the knowledge of the plan of salvation to comfort me. I have been blessed to handle this better than I thought I would have. But it's still hard. Really, really hard. I have a lot of friends having babies and getting pregnant and I am so happy for them, but often times it's hard to watch. And it's gotten harder because I act like everything is fine, so a lot of people think I'm "over it" (whatever that means) and share certain things that hurt me or don't think I still need help. Now I know it's my fault for pretending all is well, this isn't some cry for attention, but it's just something I am learning how to deal with. I tend to feel the need to make people around me feel happy, so I don't like being sad around them. I handle hard times with humor. I always have. It helps me and others too, but sometimes I just get tired. Everyone is going on with life like everything is normal and I am over here going, "Wait! Things aren't normal! Things are sad!" And then I realize, that of course everyone's lives are back to normal, and it's selfish for me to think otherwise. And my life is at a new normal. Not a normal I planned on, but a normal none-the-less. This is my life now. And I am learning how to be the happiest I can be.

I really am okay most of the time. I have hope in the future. I know I'll get pregnant again. Most days I just feel a little sad. It's not the overpowering, gut-wrenching sadness I used to feel, just sad. That's the only was I can think to describe it. It's kind of like I heave a heavier heart now, and I am not sure it will ever go away. Blah, I hate complaining and being all sad and needy, but gosh it feels good to write it out and know only my close friends and family are reading this. So this is my rant. Please don't think I am saying all you lovely people aren't being awesome and supportive, because you are! Things are just changing and I am learning to change with them. The hard days are getting farther and farther apart which is a good sign. Just taking it all one day at a time.

On a happy note. Here's my cat in the car this morning. Isn't she really awesome?

antelope island

Utah has a lovely mid-summer-holiday, Pioneer Day! Nathan had the day off so we went out. We visited the little fair at Liberty Park and got awesome fair food.

After we decided to head to Antelope Island. It's a Utah state park on an island in the middle of The Great Salt Lake. It's only about 40 minutes from down town. We have wanted to go forever. It was a lot of fun!

Thoughts on Antelope Island- totally worth the $10 to get in. It was gorgeous! You pay the money to get in, and then you hardly see another human! We saw a few other cars driving by, but the island is so big, you feel like you have it all to yourself. There are lots of little roads to drive off on and look outs. Animals just roaming around. That picture of the buffalo was taken with no zoom. He was just chillin and eating by the side of the road. There are places to rent boats and things to take out on the lake. There are also beaches. We drove past one with a bunch of people on it. I can't imagine swimming in the Salt Lake, but apparently some people like it. I wouldn't mind just hanging out on the beach if it hadn't been a billion degrees. That's one thing I would suggest, don't go in the middle of summer. There were tons of walking and hiking trails that we wanted to go on but I seriously died as soon as we got out of the car, so that wasn't happening. I think we'll go back in the fall, because it was gorgeous. There is a restaurant that is supposedly really good, but we didn't eat there. There is also a really cute little farm to explore. It was a lot of fun. Although, Nathan and I really like driving, taking pictures, outdoors, exploring places, and buffalo apparently. So if those things aren't your cup of tea, then you probably don't wanna go. 

Also, what the heck is the difference between a buffalo and a bison? I don't really know which ones are on the island.. but whatever it was we saw, it was ugly and hairy and really scary looking. And I liked it.