Mia's Story

It feels weeeiirdd to be back on here. I haven't blogged in well over a year. But I've blogged all my baby's stories, and right now Mia is my favorite child (her poop doesn't smell as bad as Jack's and she doesn't sass me like Sadie), so her story needs to be written.

It would be wrong to start out the story of Mia with anything other than this: THIS PREGNANCY WAS THE LONGEST AND HARDEST EFFIN PREGNANCY EVER.

Thanks a lot, Mia.

We toyed with the idea of adding a third baby all summer. It was the worst timing. We had just moved. Nathan didn't have a steady job. We didn't have a big support system out here. We didn't have a ton of money, or a set plan for the next year of our lives. My cycles were still recovering from Jack and were anywhere from 40-50 days long. But it nagged at me. A LOT. 

One night we were at the park and discussing what we wanted to do. Nathan (who has a lot more faith than me) was all in and wanted to start trying right away. After a long talk, I decided we could stop preventing. In the back of my head I was thinking about how it was only day 28 of my cycle. I still had weeks to back out or change my mind. 

I started my period the next day.

My first normal-length cycle since having Jack.

It was kinda the sign or "push" that I needed.

Plus, maybe it would take a while to get pregnant the way it did with Sadie, especially if we just casually tried.

I got pregnant that month.

What followed was a long 9 months. Morning sickness came almost immediately. Exhaustion hit too. I was still teaching early mornings and late nights, plus raising 2 toddlers. I was a mess. I laid in bed almost all day while my kids watched TV and Nathan picked up the slack. I also immediately began stressing about money, and who was going to watch the kids when I hit 28 weeks and started having 2-4 appointments a week that the kids couldn't come to. The morning sickness eased up around Christmas, but never really went away the whole 9 months. Later months added lots of heartburn, back pain, hip pain, and lightening crotch. And then, of course, the normal anxiety and panic and fear that comes from losing a baby. Losing a baby that was due 3 days before this new baby was due.

I'm not lying when I say it was some of the hardest months of my life. All due to huge life changes, pregnancy pain, anxiety, and big stresses about jobs and money, but I can say now that she's here, it was all worth it.

I had my induction set for May 21st. Counting down to that date was excruciating. But I was also really nervous. I had gone into labor on my own with Jack, so I didn't need pitocin. Pitocin and VBACs aren't a great mix, and I knew this time my body was not near labor, so I would need it. I spent a lot of time googling things I shouldn't. This would also be my first time at a new hospital. I delivered 3 babies at LDS hospital with the same doctor and SAME anesthesiologist. I knew that hospital and the way it ran so well. I knew where the free diet coke and snacks were on the recovery floor. What if I couldn't find the free diet coke and snacks at my new hospital? WHAT IF THERE WAS NO FREE DIET COKE AND SNACKS?! (Spoiler alert: there wasn't) And maybe I am a little biased, but there was always something nice about being surrounded by nurses and doctors who were likely LDS, or at least knew what that meant. Mission Hospital is giant and fancy and not filled with garment-wearing nurses who already have 3 kids off their own and just want to give you a hug. It was intimidating. Not to mention we realized the night before my induction we didn't even know what building labor and delivery was in. Fourth child problems.

That was a lot of background info before even getting into the bloody stuff. Time for some blood.

We got to the hospital at what felt like the crack of dawn but really was 7am. We stopped for McDonald's first, of course. It was so weird saying goodbye to our sleeping kids and knowing we'd be bringing home their sister.

We got all set up and I learned I would be having 2 nurses. One who was brannnnd new, and one who was helping train her. This was not a super fun situation and my vagina paid for it later. We also learned my doctor literally sent no instructions with my induction order. So we ended up waiting an hour for her to call and give instructions. Woooo! If I was dilated enough, they would start pitocin. If I wasn't, they would give me a cervical softener for at least FIVE HOURS and then start the pitocin. That made me want to cry a little. My trainee nurse checked me, and declared me a 1, and I was really sad. But don't worry, trainer nurse checked me, and I was actually almost a 4. I started getting nervous about trainee nurse, but it meant we could get on pit right away! I will also add that all my cervical checks were like this; meaning I had to be checked TWICE every time, once by someone who didn't really know what they were doing. Sometimes the trainer nurse would have the trainee nurse check me another time for practice. Needless to say, I was already insanely sore down there before I even pushed a human out.

Pitocin started my contractions, but they were super inconsistent. It wasn't helped by the fact that they kept having trouble monitoring my contractions with the little monitors and half my contractions weren't even being tracked. My doctor came around noon and the angel broke my water! With every baby, this is always what gets things going. And things definitely got going. My contractions were coming fast and hard, so I got the blessed epidural. Ohhh it was amazing. They rolled me over and propped one of my legs up and it was actually super comfortable and I fell asleep. They switched me back and forth from my right to left sides and I kept progressing. I was pretty relaxed at this point and we just kinda hung out for a bit. Around 4 I started feeling lots of pressure with each contraction. They checked me (yes.. BOTH of them) and I was ready! They also told me she had a lot of hair, haha. 

They told me to do a couple "practice pushes" before they called the doctor, which I told them I probably didn't need to do. This wasn't my first rodeo. This was my 4th kid, and I could tell she was right there. But they had me do one push and I was immediately crowning, so they told me to stop, haha. My doctor was there super fast and everything was all set up. I pushed through 3 more contractions, about 5 or 6 pushes, and she popped right out. I had a really good view and could see the doctor pulling her out. The first thing I saw was the dark hair and I laughed out loud! Since finding out this baby was a girl, I pictured a baby with more olive toned skin and black hair. This makes no sense considering Nathan and I are pasty and light-haired, and so are both our kids. (Sadie was so pasty at birth they called the NICU doctor to examine her because they thought she was sick. Nope, just pasty.) But there she was! The dark, olive-skinned baby I had imagined! It was perfect. 

They laid her on me and I just felt the biggest rush of love and relief. She was here. After all the sickness and sleepless nights and stress and fear, she was here. She was safe and beautiful and healthy. My uterus didn't rupture. Her heart didn't stop beating. I didn't murder my husband in a hormonal rage for breathing too loudly. I finally had that late-May baby girl that I wanted since I lost Madelyn. She came just 7 hours before Madelyn's due date too. This pregnancy was hard for a lot of reasons, but it was healing in so many ways too. SHE WAS HERE. I felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time in 9 months.

They left us alone for golden hour and we soaked that all up. She was perfect. So much bigger than our other babies, and already had a calm demeanor. Even her little cry was cute. She nursed like a champ right away, and we couldn't get over her hair.

The nursery came to check her. She weighed 7lbs14oz, and was 20.5 inches long! She was perfect and healthy!

She had a great first night, and got to meet her new bffs the next morning. We got to bolt out of the hospital that afternoon and we are just living in newborn heaven over here. She is BY FAR my easiest newborn. She's just so sweet and content and perfect. Sadie has been obsessed from the get-go, and every day Jack warms up more and more and gets so excited to see her. We love you, Mia Grace. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing sending you to us at an inconvenient time. We were waiting for you, and we didn't even know it.

Mia Grace Merkley

Past birth stories

Madelyn's Story

Sadie's Story

Jack's Story

change.

"We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better." -C. JoyBell

It feels kinda strange to be writing here again. After 7 years of blogging every detail of my life, I up and abandoned this blog. I didn't like that I wasn't actually writing anymore. I was just posting pictures with bulleted details of what we were doing that month. Sure, it's a great way to record things, but it's not what I actually enjoyed about blogging. I enjoy the writing part. And lately I have had so many thoughts bouncing around my head, I know I need to sit down and get them out. Even if it's in a completely nonsensical and disorderly way. Here are my thoughts.

I met Nathan over 10 years ago. One of the first things I told him was that I was from California, and I was going to move back there. Nearly 4,000 days later and here we are- moving back to California. I am moving back to California. One might think I am finally getting everything I ever wanted, but it's different now. I know this is the right thing, but holy crap is it hard.

Nathan and I on MV lake in 2008. Our family at MV lake last month. We will be living in a townhouse by the lake

I cry every single day. I'm not kidding. And I have been doing this for a few weeks now. Everything sets me off. Or I just cry for no reason. And it's not just the move I cry about. It's just like I am so on edge emotionally, the littlest things make me cry. I can't tell you how many times I have cried while just watching episodes of Glee or Parks and Rec recently. Or when Sadie does something cute. Or when the mountains look pretty. I am a huge ball of emotions and there is no way to stop me!

California has always been the dream. But it was a distant dream. And a dream I kinda thought would never happen. And these past few years Utah has become our home. I love it here. It's where I met my husband. It's where I got my degree. It's where I met some of my best friends. It's where I learned my hardest lessons. It's where I made some of my best memories. It's where I became a teacher. It's where we lived as newlyweds. It's where we became parents. Just read this post to understand just how stupid nostalgic I am about this place.

Beach selfie 2008, and last month

I got up on Sunday in my ward and cried my eyes out as I bore my testimony. These people mean so much to me. Utah wouldn't be nearly as hard to leave if it weren't for them. I think about how when I moved into the ward, I was 5 weeks pregnant with Sadie and just an entirely different person. I have grown more in the last few years than ever before. One of my favorite people in the ward came up to me last Sunday and said that he and his wife moved to Boston for college, and had their first 2 kids there. They moved back to Utah when their kids were young and he said it was one of the hardest thing they ever did. I cried thinking about looking back on this move the way they look back on their move (35 years later). I moved from New York to California when I was 2, and I have zero memories of New York. Will Sadie not remember any of this? It's been such a wonderful few years with her, and she won't remember it at all! That makes me so sad for some reason.

Every time I leave my house, I drive around and look at everything and think about all the things I will miss. All the people I will miss. I have been gone so long from my hometown, it's not familiar to me anymore. I know every street if this valley out here. I have friends scattered everywhere. I have extended family. I know the parks and the stores and the good places to go. I have doctors here for me and my kids. I know this place. It's comfortable and safe. But I know it's time to move on.

Top of the world 2008, and last month

In October I woke up one morning with an anxious feeling that this was our last Fall in Utah. I shook it off, but booked family pictures anyway. I told myself it wasn't real though. Around the same time, my parents got the news that instead of heading home to California, they would be spending the next few years in Houston. My mom recently told me that although they were bummed, she got a strong feeling that we would be needing their apartment very soon. Around February, the feelings of California kept coming back to us, and we couldn't shake them. Nathan and I were getting them at the same time. We did a lot of prayers. We planned a trip. I kept telling myself it wasn't going to happen even though I knew it would. It was strange. It's still strange. To know something is right, and to really want it, but to be terrified of it at the same time.

I found that quote up at the top of this post, and it really rang true to me. I feel secure and safe here in my little pond. But there is a big ocean (literally) waiting for us. Utah is good for us. I'm sure if we stayed here, we'd be happy. But I have a feeling much bigger and better things are waiting for us. So it's time to just take a deep breath, and jump into the ocean. Here we go.

Utah to California 

This blog going forward

I have blogged pretty much every detail of my life since 2009.
It's been therapeutic for me. It's been a journal for me.
It's allowed me to catch up and make yearbooks.
But now my yearbooks are caught up. I find that blogging all the details, then doing the same thing in our family yearbooks is tedious and wastes time.
I also don't have the time to write freely, like I used to, because I am posting the weekly details in my blog, then the yearbook, then taking care of two crazy kids.
So this blog won't be a weekly update of everything we do. It won't be endless pictures. I will save that for our yearbooks.
For now I will continue the monthly posts about Jack, and the occasional posts about Sadie. I am still way behind on baby books, so I need to document somewhere while I catch up.
I also want to occasionally write, but it won't be a detailed update anymore.
I am not sure when I'll blog, or how often.
It's just not necessary with my personal journaling, and my family yearbooks.
It seems weird. I have blogged for so long!
But it's just too time consuming and redundant.
I know only 4 people really ever read this anyway, haha. But I feel the need to update.

Sadie at two pt. 1

(written in January)
Sadie you have been two for over 3 months! 

And holy crap I am so obsessed with you at this age. I DO NOT want you to keep growing!!! I want to freeze time forever and ever. You are so much fun and so silly and so sweet.

+ You have what we call your "big voice." If something is big, you use this deep voice, it's hilarious.

+ When something is small, you call it a baby. Baby car. Baby snowman. Baby spoon. Baby leaf. If I cut up your food you call it "baby pizza" or "baby pancake." If things are big, you sometimes calls them a daddy.

+ You are so obsessed with Jack. You love to give him his pacifier or lay on him or hold him. You are good at sharing toys, though sometimes you share with him, and then rip them away. He worships you, and laughs at everything you do.

+ Pretty sure you have given up naps. You only take one maybe once or twice a week. I still trap you in your crib though, haha. You could play in there for hours.

+ You love to carry toys around in your backpack or purse. It's the cutest thing.

+ You still sleep with 800 stuffed animals, and throw them out every morning so you can pick new ones the next night.

+ You have a little whiteboard that you love to draw on. You are getting really good at drawing! You can draw circles, and love to draw happy faces. I will start drawing a person, and you will finish it.

+ You LOVE to play make believe! You got a bunch of Fisher Price play people for your birthday and you call them all your "boys." You love to make them eat dinner and go potty. You got a play kitchen for Christmas and love to make fake food and make us eat it. You make your toys talk and I just love watching your little mind work.

+ You freaking LOVE the snow. You weirdo. You ask to play in it every day. Your hands and face will be bright red and freezing, but you keep playing. You also love to eat it.

+ You still eat like a teenager. You never stop moving, so you need it.

+ You love cereal so much. Your favorites are cheerios, yellow balls (kix), and diamonds (chex).

+ You have really gotten good at playing with other kids. Mostly your cousins. You are obsessed with them, on both sides. You spent Halloween with the Robisons and New Years with the Crosbys and Tanner. You were in HEAVEN. You are still really shy around kids you don't know though. Very timid and sensitive, so when kids are mean, you can't handle it. Your cry face breaks my heart.

She loves filling up my camera roll

+ You love to have back tickles. Or really tickles all over. You ask for back tickles every night in bed and about 80 times a day.

+ You had so much fun on Halloween!! You ran and skipped from house to house. You also got obsessed with ghosts and skeletons. It's also when you started saying you were scared all the time.

+ You got even MORE into Christmas though. Oh my gosh. You were like a little Christmas elf. You freaked out every time we saw Christmas lights and Christmas trees. You worse your Santa hat and reindeer ears everywhere. We watched Frosty and Rudolph a million times. You sang jingle bells several times a day. You loved ripping open presents. You made Christmas so much fun!!

+ You are just so freaking smart. You pick up on so many things that we don't even teach you! Like when you pointed in the hymn book and said, "music note!" You talk nonstop and I love everything you say.

+ You love to sing. You favorite songs are: 5 little monkeys, wheels on the bus, Old Macdonald, twinkle twinkle, jingle bells, and I'm a little tea pot.

+ Since you were a newborn, I hummed "Lullabye and Goodnight" to you, and now you ask for it every night and whenever you are sad. "You call it "hmm hmm."

+ Your hair is getting so long and I love to put it in cute pony tails!

+ You are dancing obsessed. You dance anytime you hear music, and you ask for "dance parties" every day.

+ You learned about outer space on a TV show and you ask to go to outer space all the time. It's hilarious.

+ You are so obsessed with the show Story Bots, and Clifford the big red dog. I hate Clifford.

+ You like to play the Pokemon game on your daddy's phone and recently got a stuffed pokemon and you love it. The way you say Pokemon is my favorite.

+ You are so sweet and loving. You always give hugs and kisses and want to cuddle. You say sorry and please and thank you always. You share well, and hardly ever throw fits.

+ When you like something, you rub it on your face, hug it, and say, "I love it!" There is nothing cuter in the world than that.

+ You love to make things move and yell, "It's moving!!" I don't know why you're so obsessed with moving things, haha.

+ You have become such a little mom. You boss Jack, Tanner, and Jonas around. You always try to keep them from doing things you know they shouldn't. But then you do them, haha. You like to feed Jack his bottles, give him his pacifier, and wipe his face when he's messy.

+ We usually get Cafe Rio on Friday nights. You know what the bag looks like and always ask for your quesadilla, haha. We usually get ice cream after, so when you see dad leave the house, you tell him to go get ice cream.

+ You always say, "It's not working" or "It's broken!" when you can't do something.

+ You say "yupie" instead of yup or yes.

+ You are cookie, ice cream, and bread obsessed. Just like your mom.

+ Also peas, corn, banana, carrots, green beans, and mandarin orange obsessed. Unlike your mom.

+ You are absolutely hilarious and so beautiful and sweet. We can't get enough of you.