I remember my interview for this job and how when they called me to tell me I got the job I jumped around the current classroom I was teaching in and screamed. (I definitely had a student in there with me by the way. Pretty sure he is scarred). I remember going in for my first meetings and meeting my team and the rest of the faculty and learning just what I was going to be teaching. I remember seeing my classroom for the first time and being giddy. I remember getting my class rosters and seeing pictures of my students and dying to meet them. I remember the night before school started and how I wasn't nervous at all, but I was SO excited it felt like Christmas Eve. I remember those first few days, getting to know my kids and falling in love instantly. It's crazy how those 28 little strangers are now some of the people I love most in the world.
Lately I have been kinda beating up on myself. (What else is new?) I feel like I have kinda failed my kids. Everyone told me the first year is rough and I have felt it. I have been feeling bad because so many of my kids still can barely read. So many of them failed half their classes. So many of them can't do simple division problems. Four of my kids were suspended (2 kicked out) for "special" brownies. I feel like this year I pushed to the breaking point, but I didn't fix anyone. I know it's unrealistic to think I could get these 14-year-olds who are reading on a 1st grade level to where they need to be, but my brain tells me I should have.
Well with this congratulatory letter, they sent me a questionnaire I filled out at my first-year SPED teacher training. Here were some of the things I said 1 year ago:
"I want my students to believe in themselves and know how smart they are. I want to teach them the value of hard work and how to overcome challenges, learn, and progress."
"I want my kids to think of me as someone who loved them, believed in them, taught them, and challenged them. I want every student to leave my class with a positive feeling."
"I want them to feel comfortable with me and know that they can come to me for help. I want respect as their teacher, but an understanding that I am there for them and want their happiness in every aspect."
I started to realize that in what is really important with these kids, I had the exact kind of year I wanted. With older resource kids, complete success and an exit from special ed is very rare. If they haven't learned to read at this point, they will never be on grade level. They can still learn, they can still make progress, but I can't beat myself up that I didn't bump my students 6 grade levels in 8 months. But what I feel I have given my students is just as important.
Not gonna toot my own horn or anything, but my students love me. And not just because I'm all young and hip (cos I seriously am sooo hip), but because they know I love them back. Even my hardest kids who I have had to raise my voice at once or twice or eighty-six times, always tell me how they know I love them and they thank me for not giving up on them. If anything, I think that's the most important idea I can give them- someone loves them.
One thing I have definitely worked on, which isn't always successful, is implanting in my students' heads that they are NOT stupid. Test scores and teachers and parents and peers and society has told them throughout their entire education that they are stupid and it breaks my heart. I hope this year that I have helped ebb away just a small portion of that poor self esteem. We had an "I can't" funeral at the beginning of the year and my kids still talk about it. I hope they always remember that they can do anything.
Today a group of boys asked to have lunch in my room. When I asked why one of them said, "Because we like being in your classroom. It's happy in there." I feel like Heavenly Father told him exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe I can't fix all their home problems or the fact that they can't read and do basic math, but I can help them feel happy and safe. And for me, right now, that's enough.
my lunch visitors :)
You sound like such a good teacher. I love your "I can't" funeral. You should post more ideas of what you do. I had no idea going through the severe program I would end up being a resource teacher. I like it better and I love it, but I have been having a hard time finding more ideas.
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