little bit o' honesty

I'm gonna get real here. Because this is my blog. I like to document my life even when it's boring. Plus, if I type too many words, you probably won't read it anyway.

Work has been hard this year. HARD. Obviously I have a hard job. Not only am I a teacher, but I am a Resource teacher. At a middle school. (Why did I do this to myself)? I knew from the beginning I had a hard job. It was hard last year, but in different ways. I had hyper-active, crazy students who I loved and who responded to me and who respected me. They struggled in school work, but they tried. On the days when they didn't try, they felt bad. On the days when they didn't take their medication and they were bouncing off the walls, driving me insane, they apologized to me. I still have the sweetest apology note up on my refrigerator from one of my ADHD boys. The year stretched me thin, but I felt so much joy in what I did. I loved what I did. I cried on the last day of school. True story.

This year I could tell was going to be different from the very first week. My students are wonderful kids and I love them, but there is a whole different attitude about them. The teachers who had them last year warned me about them, but I figured it was no big deal. It is a big deal.

I have them same 20ish students all day in different classes. Not all, but I would say 85% of these kids do not care about much, if anything. They are not motivated by anything. Grades, candy, phone calls home, detention.. nothing. I have seen absolutely no effort in school work or in life in general. Kids sleeping through every single class no matter how many times they are asked to wake up. Kids who turn in blank work sheets when I went through and gave them every answer. Students who have 1 month to write a one-page Halloween story (all in class-no home work) and only THREE from the entire class turn it in. Students who are failing all their classes and they don't care. Students whose eyes glaze over in class and I know that the lesson I spent hours planning is falling on deaf ears; because no one is listening. Students who are disrespectful to each other and to adults. Students who are unapologetic for their behavior. Students who argue with me in front of the whole class. Student who try to intimidate me by using their height to tower over me- seriously. Students who are absent twice a week. Some who have missed 30 days of school this year. Students who have not turned in a SINGLE piece of work in some of their classes the entire year. Not one piece of work. Students who are constantly being suspended for tardies or bullying. Students who tell me they are smarter than me and don't need to do the work- and they aren't joking. Students who complain about everything. "Hey guys you only need to take 3 notes on the movie we are watching today." I think I am being nice. 45 minute move- 3 notes. Seems super easy, right? But I am met by an uproar. Not kidding, and uproar. Kids yelling and freaking out about how "unfair" this is. You guys, sometimes I am seriously shocked speechless at the things they do and say. I have spent many days after school crying out of sheer frustration not knowing what to do. They aren't learning. They don't want to. They won't let me be their teacher. Sometimes I will teach an entire lesson and ask one simple comprehension question that no one can answer. Not because they have disabilities (which of course they do but they are not severe, just learning disabilities), but because they weren't listening. And they tell me that. "We weren't listening." or my favorite, "We don't care." Each day at work I feel like I am working way overtime yet doing absolutely nothing and making no difference.

I co-teach with 3 teachers and they are feeling the same exact thing about this group of my kids. One man, who has taught for 30 years, says he has never had kids like this. He says you might have 1 or 2 a school year, but not 20. It was just some magical happenstance that they all fell together, right in my lap this year.

I'd hoped Christmas break would give me some time to recharge, but last week back at work was a nightmare and I ended up taking a personal day on Friday. I was also crying Monday night about how I didn't want to go back to work. My sweet husband offered to give me a blessing. I won't go into details because it's sacred to me, but it has really helped clear my eyes and the cloud in my heart.

I'd hoped the blessing would magically make my students different or magically make me able to handle it all. It didn't. That's not how it works, of course. But it did give me the most amazing sense of peace and inspiration on how to turn this school year around. I won't be able to "fix" my kids. But I can fix my attitude. I can change they way I am doing certain things. I can bring the spirit into my class. I felt recharged this morning with a list of things I was going to work on and change. Maybe I already had one student argue with me when I told him he'd already used all his bathroom passes. Maybe he yelled at me then sat and refused to work the rest of the period. But that's okay. It doesn't need to ruin everything and it doesn't mean I still can't reach him somehow.

The blessing made me realize a lot of the negativity of the school year was coming from me. Just because the students have been hard, doesn't mean I have to be miserable. Maybe if they saw more effort from me, they would put in a little more too. Sunday night was a humbling experience, but amazing. I can already see small bits of hope. Like the student who asked to come to my class for intervention today so he could get ahead in the novel we are reading because he has to miss school tomorrow and wants to know what happens. My jaw almost hit the floor. But I am incredibly thankful.

I am thankful for a sweet husband who holds the Priesthood and is so willing to help me when I need it. I am thankful for the opportunity to realize my weaknesses and realize how to make them strengths. I know the next 5 months won't be a cake walk, but I feel happy to know that I have what it takes to at least survive it in one piece and maybe even help a few kids along the way.

Seriousness over.
Now back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.