word vomit

I've kinda been quiet on my blog here lately. I have had a lot of emotions and experiences these past few weeks that have put a lot of things into perspective for me. I have had some lows, I won't lie. But they have helped me see things more clearly. I am still very much grieving the loss of my daughter. Some days are so hard I wonder how it's possible that my tear ducts are still working. Some days are a lot easier. I am pretty dang good at pretending all is well. Fake it til you make it, right? It's helped to some extent. But a lot of other things were bringing me down. These past few months have taught me many lessons. I never knew that losing my child could teach me so much about myself. Teach me my strengths, and reveal my weaknesses. But it has.

I have had one very bad habit that I have always hated but never really had the motivation to change it until recently. Facebook. I loved Facebook. I loved stalking and scrolling and liking and judging and comparing and posting and receiving validation. It was disgusting. I had tried to quit Facebook several times but it never really worked because I didn't have the right motivation. But a few weeks ago, I finally found it.

Complainers. Now as much as I have loved Facebook in the past, I can tell you that I never complained on it. What are the motives behind posting a status complaining about how hard your life is? Attention. Plain and simple. And it's been driving me insane, but one specific group of complainers finally sent me over the edge.

Mom complainers.

Let me tell you that they drove me crazy long before I ever lost my child, but since then, a fire has been lit in me about this particular group. Do they realize how some women wait and pray and long for children for years? I am fully aware how hard pregnancy is. I went through it. I have not had my own children to raise yet, but I have worked with babies and children as my job, and now my career, since I was 16. I know it's hard. I know there are so many sleepless nights and wanting-to-pull-you-hair-out days. But is Facebook the place to voice that? I don't think so. But many women do. And I cannot control what people post so instead of writing mean comments back to all their negative and depressing posts like I totally wanted to, I left Facebook. For almost a month. And it felt amazing.

I thought maybe I was just jealous of what they had and I was just being biter, but then I realized, it didn't upset me when they were posting happy thoughts or beautiful baby pictures. Sometimes I got a little sad and longed for my own baby, but was I mad and annoyed? Nope. It only upset me when they complained. And whined. I would do anything for a newborn baby to be keeping me up all night right now. Absolutely anything.

I realize that I have experienced things some of these women haven't and I have a totally different perspective, which is why I held my tongue and just left all-together. I can't blame them for being frustrated. But I realized the fire that rose inside me when a mother complained about her children or being pregnant and I saw that it was the motivation I needed.

I needed to escape seeing all the complaints and getting worked up and angry. But I also needed to escape seeing people have what I was supposed to have and letting myself get sad. I needed to stop comparing my life. I needed to stop looking for validation from a bunch of likes on a picture. I needed to live a life without all the negativity and glossed over "my life is awesome" that is Facebook.

So I was gone for a month and I didn't miss it. I reactivated when I had to for my calling in church. (I am a ward missionary and was asked to create a missionary work FB page for my ward). When I logged in, I was instantly annoyed by most of the posts. All the people whining and complaining. All the people posting 5,000 pictures as if trying to prove how awesome their lives are. It all seemed ridiculous to me. I posted a new picture and tried scrolling through and saw that I didn't find the joy in it I used it. It was a strange and refreshing feeling.

I can officially say that I strongly dislike Facebook and that feels fantastic. I have decided to only go on it when I need to for my calling or if there is a friend or family member that I want to see what is going on in their life. That is what Facebook was originally intended for- keeping up with friends and family. Not stalking and comparing and judging and complaining and competing with others. I want to use it for its intended purpose.

I have always loved taking pictures and I've found that Instagram is a great outlet for that where I don't have to get sucked in. One simple picture and done. I also have this blog which I have tried to keep somewhat private by not giving the link out on my Facebook and other places. I find my blog and Instagram to be positive social media outlets. And to be honest, I don't blog for other people. Just like I talked about with my mom this weekend, I am glad I don't feel the pressure to be funny or deep or entertaining on here. I say what I think and feel and I don't care if people read or not. I am glad that social pressure from Facebook has not transferred here and I hope it never does. Social media can be so poisonous and destroying. I can't believe it took losing my daughter for these things to come to light in my mind. I think I'm a slow learner. Scratch that, I know I'm a slow learner.

This has been a long and rambling post and I apologize if it offended anyone, but again.. my blog, my words! It feels refreshing to put it out there. To admit to my addiction and to feel like I am on the road to completely breaking it, as well as to vent out my frustrations and thoughts. Things have been hard, but they're getting better every day. I carry a weight that I didn't have before, but it has helped me put so many things in my life into perspective. It has helped me put my priorities where they should be, or at least realize where they should be. I know I'm up for a lot more lessons in life. A lot more bad habits I'll need to break. Like I said.. I'm a slow learner. But I'm thankful that I have a patient Father in Heaven willing to teach me.