Pregnancy after stillbirth part 2

The beginning of the second trimester was not the best. I thought that once we knew the sex, once the sickness faded, once I felt her move- that's when I'd really feel connected. That's what happened with Madelyn! I was so anxiously awaiting the time for this pregnancy to become fun like it was for me last time.

We found out the sex and I was elated- for a day. I started feeling kicks and I thought, "cool." I just kind of pushed it under the rug. Then, slowly, my depression started creeping back in. I wasn't finding joy in things anymore. I was feeling stressed and irritated when I had no reason to be. Work was wrapping up, the summer was coming, and I was a big, fat grump. I tried searching for reasons I was allowing myself to be in such an awful state and one night it hit me- I didn't think I wanted this baby.

Before I get crucified by other women, let me explain. I want nothing more in the world than to be a mother. Nothing. But I want to me a mother to Madelyn. I want her here. She's supposed to be walking right now and saying her first words and looking so dang cute in a little bathing suit. That was my dream. I was supposed to have that. The idea of being a mother is irrevocably tied to Madelyn. As this pregnancy advanced I had to continually remind myself that this baby wasn't the one I gave birth to a year ago. This is a new baby. I have to build a new relationship and a new dream and a new life with this baby. I found myself honestly thinking, "but I don't want a new life with this baby. I want the life I was supposed to have with Madelyn."

These thoughts and the accompanying guilt for having these thoughts weighed on my like a load of bricks. My life and heart became very heavy. My dream of becoming a mom was drawing nearer. I had that which I prayed for for months- a healthy pregnancy. But I didn't want it. I wanted Madelyn. It's heartbreaking to have everything you wanted and feel willing to give it up in exchange for something else. The first trimester I just missed Madelyn. The second trimester, I didn't want her younger sister. That's a hard thing to think.

The guilt I've felt over these thoughts has probably been the worst. There's a beautiful little girl growing inside of me, already craving my love, and I didn't want her. My brain couldn't reconcile these thoughts. I cried a lot. I felt like I did back in the fall. It wasn't fair.

When I finally confessed this all to Nathan, the flood gates opened and I cried all night. He comforted me and expressed similar thoughts, though not quite as intense. He missed Madelyn too. He wanted her here. We talked a lot about it and it felt so good to finally vocalize the pains and fears I was having. He gave me a beautiful blessing that brought me so much peace. In it he told me that I would be happy again. It was shocking to hear that as it really hit me that I have not been truly happy since Madelyn died. I have, of course, had moments of happiness, but cannot say that I was truly, 100% happy ever this past year. It was almost kind of relieving to realize that though. It made sense. More than anything, I was so comforted to hear that I would be happy again. I don't have to carry this weight forever.

The next morning was truly what we both needed. It was our anatomy ultrasound at the hospital. I hadn't been really looking forward to it. We prayed that morning to feel peace, happiness, and a connection to this baby. The ultrasound started and I felt happy and content. Halfway through the ultrasound, the nurse turned on the 4D video and we got to watch our little girl move around in such clear quality it blew my mind. Seeing her move up there literally pierced my heart. I felt so much love for that girl up on the screen. She wasn't just a thing growing inside me, she was my daughter. She was sent to me for a reason. She is going to be the reason I find happiness again. 

I loved watching her move up on the screen. I wish I had an ultrasound machine and could watch her every day. That morning was the true beginning of my relationship with my second daughter. It was the first time I felt like her mother. It was the first time I felt that connection. I still have my moments of fear and pain, and expect I will until she's safe in my arms, but we have begun our connection. I love her so much already. I cannot wait to see how my love grows over these next 20 weeks, and for the rest of my life.