Month 2

Geeze this was a crazy month! Just a few days after her one month birthday, we moved all our belongings, except a suitcase, to Nathan's boss' vacation home in Midway. But you know all about that by this point. Then we moved into our new place that isn't finished yet, and still isn't, so we are still partially living out of boxes and suitcases and still feeling a little unsettled. At least my baby is the cutest thing in the world.

We started getting real smiles this month and it is absolutely my favorite thing in the world. She gives them pretty freely, which I love. Sometimes she smiles at the weirdest things. My favorite thing is when Nathan dances around with her and sings his original song, "Sadie has a big butt." She thinks it's hilarious. She also makes eye contact and will stare at you for hours. I love it! It makes me feel like she actually realizes that I am there and alive, instead of just a milk machine.

Her grunting has stepped it up a notch. Only at night though. She clearly has not figured out how to work her wee little intestines yet, and so she grunts and strains when she needs to fart. She wakes me, and herself, up a couple times a night as she tries to force gas out. She usually falls right back asleep after she does. She is crazy gassy all the time though. Every morning when I unswaddle her, she lets out like 50 farts. It's like the swaddle was holding them in. She also had trouble pooping for a while. She didn't poop for nearly 6 days which is very rare for her. She usually goes a few times a day. I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. Then one day, Nathan went to pick her up from her nap and got a nice surprise. 6 days worth of poop. YAY!

She went back to church for the first time. She was an angel through my lesson in Mia Maids. She was not such an angel through Nathan's Sunday school lesson the next week. But she sure looks pretty in little dresses and headbands.

She's slowly starting to "talk" and it's so sweet. She stares at you and makes these cute little noises. Sometimes she'll just yell but really loud. I love watching her try to figure out her vocal cords. She definitely knows how to cry though. Her first month she had such a quiet cry. Everyone commented on it. It was awesome. It's not quiet anymore. She also imitates us. She thinks it's so funny when I stink my tongue in and out fast, and now she copies me. She can't do it fast though. I am much more talented.

I started pumping occasionally so that Nathan can feed her. She took the bottle pretty well at first, but now fights it pretty hard. She gives in eventually. It's nice that I can have a little more freedom. She usually wakes up twice a night. There's been several times when she only wakes up once and it's awesome. She will sleep for about 6 hours straight, waking up around 5am. By the time she wakes up again, it's time to be up for the day. I like those nights a lot. The past two nights, we are up at Grandma's house in Idaho, she has slept from around 11pm to 7am. It is amazing. It makes me not want to leave Idaho. This place is good luck.

She is definitely gaining a lot of weight and growing like crazy. She has outgrown a lot of her newborn clothes and the infant insert in her carseat. She is still in newborn diapers though. We have a big stock pile of size 1 diapers and I tried one on her and it was way too huge. It's funny to me that she is so much bigger than when she was born, but she's still really small compared to a lot of other babies. She was just such a bitty nugget at birth! We have her doctor appointment when we get back, so I can update later about how much she weighs.

She loves going on walks and LOVES drives. She like to stare out the window or take really long naps. She went on her first road trip to head up to Idaho for Thanksgiving. She did great! She slept for about 4 and a half hours and then I fed her in the parking lot of a gas station. She was awake for the last hour of the drive just staring.

She still loves bath and loooooves her bouncer chair. It can make her happy no matter how fussy she is. She loves walks. She loves music. She is sweet and content and perfect. We love her so much!

raising a baby after stillbirth

Last week Madelyn would have been 18-months-old.

It's weird to me to think that I should have an almost-toddler running around this house.

There's times when I still really miss her, but then I feel guilty because if she was here, Sadie wouldn't be here yet. And then I feel guilty. I've heard of "mom guilt" before, but this is a weird kind.

It's been easier than I thought to have a baby after losing Madelyn. In other ways it has been harder. Sadie looked so much like Madelyn did when she was born. I wasn't expecting that. I am thankful that Sadie's face has filled out and begun to change, because I would have weird flashbacks looking at her. Especially while she slept. Both Nathan and I would get a heavy feeling in the pit of our stomachs sometimes. Sadie sleeping, looked much too much like Madelyn did as she laid lifeless in our arms. It's a horrible thought, but we both voiced that thought several times.

"She looks so still when she sleeps. It bothers me sometimes," Nathan said one night and tears sprang to my eyes. We've had enough still babies for one lifetime. Your sleeping baby is supposed to look peaceful. To us, the sight of our sleeping baby was scary.

As she's grown, it is now very easy to identify Sadie as 100% her own person. She isn't Madelyn. She is very much alive. She is beautiful and angelic and perfect. Watching her sleep doesn't bother me anymore, and I am so glad. Because she's so freaking cute when she sleeps.

We still miss Madelyn. More, we miss what could have been with Madelyn. But we are so thankful Sadie is here and despite all the heartache, I know this is how things are supposed to be. I wouldn't change anything.

I have always wondered how or if we would incorporate Madelyn into our children's lives. I have always wanted to, but I know some people think it's strange. Some people see Madelyn as a body lost, but I know she had a spirit. I have also had experiences that tell me that Sadie and Madelyn are two different spirits. That's enough to make me feel strongly that we should remember Madelyn in our family in whatever way we can.

My sister-in-law, Amanda, sent us this precious onesie shortly after Sadie was born. The words still bring tears to my eyes. 

"Handpicked by my sister in Heaven."

I love it so much! I really do think Madelyn and Sadie were up there together. I can remember one night last January when I was feeling incredibly low, and I was pouring out my heart to God. I felt like Madelyn was there or at least listening in some way. I felt comforted, like she was asking me to hold on for a little bit longer. It was the most at peace at had ever felt since losing Madelyn. So i followed that feeling and told myself to just hang on a little longer. Three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I think that night Madelyn finally decided to send us her little sister. We finally got Sadie, and my heart finally healed.

For the pictures I decided to get out Madelyn's hospital blanket and taken them on that. I am glad I did. Afterwards, I went through some of the things in Madelyn's box and talked to Sadie about her. I felt a little crazy, but it felt good at the same time. It's crazy to be on the other side of all this. Last winter was the hardest of my life, and now I am enjoying one of the best. It's crazy the difference a year can make.

I am so thankful for this beautiful baby of mine. Sometimes I can't believe she's here. She is everything I could have ever hoped for. She has healed my heart and filled it more than I thought possible. I am also thankful for her older sister and the short time I got to spend with her. And thankful she finally decided to send down a sibling. She really did pick a pretty dang cute one.

faces pretty enough for a Christmas card

Four blog posts in 1 day? It's like I'm catching up or something.

That, or it's all because One Direction's new album comes out on Monday and it's called "Four."

Who knows?

When Jessi was here, I made her snap a few family pictures for us. Two different times. We don't have any pictures of the 3 of us besides some awful ones from the hospital where it looks like I was hit by a truck. So I am thankful for these! 

 I really like these people.

bath time is for lovers

Sadie LOVES bath time. She could spend all day in there if I let her. I have also just started letting her in on my shower time and she loves that even more. Homegirl loves warm water. We took a bunch of pictures of her the other night in the bath and so I decided to do a whole post of them since I am obsessed with her.

the newest thing for me to squish

Jonas Evert Robison was born on November 10th! 

Can you even handle that face?!

This is Amanda and Brad's third little man, and if he is anything like the first 2, I am gonna be obsessed. I kinda already am. I may have watched a video if him having the hiccups 5 times.

He brings my nephew total to 4 and I am so excited to meet him!! I am also so excited for Sadie to have a cousin just barely over a month younger than her. They are going to be best friends!!

our time in Midway megapost

I have definitely been absent on the blog. I feel like I have been absent from life! As I mentioned before, we have been out in Midway. It's about an hour from Nathan's work, and 45 minutes from where we used to live. It's also a good 20 minutes from normal civilization. My only company out there was Sadie, my cat, and the deer that lived in the yard. Not kidding.

We came up here because we had to move out of our apartment on the Oct 31st, and our new one wasn't available until November 12. Originally, we had no idea where we were going to stay. But Nathan has really nice, really rich bosses. One of them happens to have a vacation home in Midway that is almost always empty and he said we could stay there for free. It has been a lifesaver, and we are so thankful for him. But being up here alone with a newborn all day every day for a week and a half has been rough. It's hard feeling unsettled and living out of a suitcase in general. But when you have a newborn that you are still adjusting to, and you don't have a car, and you're in the middle of no where, it SUCKS. Not that there weren't fun times too :) I just like to whine. It's my right as a new mother. I am also very hormonal and don't do well with long periods of not talking to adults or being able to leave the house.

ANYWAY. Here's the documentation of what we've been doing these past couple weeks in Midway.

We had our first Halloween! I put Sadie in her cute Halloween outfit. We got Jimmy Johns (one of the 2 food places within 20 miles) and rented a movie. Not trick-or-treaters came, so we also ate a lot of candy. It was a fun and relaxed night. It was our first full day out there, and I will admit it felt super nice to not be packing or moving or squeezing into our tiny apartment.

The morning after. Candy hangover.

 The house and surrounding area is gorgeous. It really is a great place for a vacation home. There were horses all around us. Nathan loved to go feed them. When it wasn't too cold, I'd venture out for a walk.

We made the 45 minute trek back to our ward for church both Sundays we were there. We both had lessons to teach each Sunday. Plus, we like showing off our homegirl in her pretty dresses.

Most nights were spent up in the master bedroom. The house was huge. So big, we didn't like it. Too big for a tiny family of 3. We would use the kitchen, but we did everything else upstairs. The master was big and we just lived in there. Nathan set up a station to work on home work. My nights usually looked like this:

The room became a safe haven. I hated my long days stuck in that house, but I loved our nights together in that room.

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment while we were up there so we decided to head down to work with daddy that day since my doctor is down town. We finally introduced her to everyone at Nathan's work and they were so excited! Nathan has been with this company since before his mission, so we are close with a lot of the people who work there. Sadie got passed around like a beach ball at a Nickleback concert (can anyone name that movie??) and she loved being held so much. I took her to the doctor with me and my sweet doctor was so excited to see her again. She took her out into the halls and showed her off to all her coworkers haha. I love her. We went back to Nathan's work after that and I worked for a few hours. Sadie seriously say in her seat or played on the floor and never made a peep except when she would fuss a little bit when she was hungry. Nathan's boss kept checking to see if she was still here because he couldn't believe how quite she was. She's a pretty awesome baby.

My amazing doctor, Ally. Love her!

Nathan took us to dinner that night and I nursed in public for the first time. I was covered, but it's a big deal for me haha.

Ben and Melea came out to visit and meet Sadie for the first time! It was great to see them. I got really bad pictures though. Haha.

The best thing that happened in that 2 weeks was that Jessica came to visit!!!! She stayed Friday through Tuesday and it was awesome!! We had a lot of fun and she made the last few days SO much easier! Sadie misses her aunt Jessi a lot. I got to take some pictures of her little belly carrying my nephew!

Taking pictures with her cousin

She loved it

Trying to get her to touch Jessi's belly. It didn't go well.

So I did it instead.

Even though the days were long and the house was creepy and I complained a lot, I did enjoy the time with my little one. I feel like I have started to get the hang of things with her and she has slowly started to become more and more aware of me and her surroundings, so we did a lot of bonding in that big house. I kinda like her.

We are settling into our new place and enjoying every second with this little princess.

Seriously, we are obsessed.

And thankful to be back in Cottonwood Heights!