raising a baby after stillbirth

Last week Madelyn would have been 18-months-old.

It's weird to me to think that I should have an almost-toddler running around this house.

There's times when I still really miss her, but then I feel guilty because if she was here, Sadie wouldn't be here yet. And then I feel guilty. I've heard of "mom guilt" before, but this is a weird kind.

It's been easier than I thought to have a baby after losing Madelyn. In other ways it has been harder. Sadie looked so much like Madelyn did when she was born. I wasn't expecting that. I am thankful that Sadie's face has filled out and begun to change, because I would have weird flashbacks looking at her. Especially while she slept. Both Nathan and I would get a heavy feeling in the pit of our stomachs sometimes. Sadie sleeping, looked much too much like Madelyn did as she laid lifeless in our arms. It's a horrible thought, but we both voiced that thought several times.

"She looks so still when she sleeps. It bothers me sometimes," Nathan said one night and tears sprang to my eyes. We've had enough still babies for one lifetime. Your sleeping baby is supposed to look peaceful. To us, the sight of our sleeping baby was scary.

As she's grown, it is now very easy to identify Sadie as 100% her own person. She isn't Madelyn. She is very much alive. She is beautiful and angelic and perfect. Watching her sleep doesn't bother me anymore, and I am so glad. Because she's so freaking cute when she sleeps.

We still miss Madelyn. More, we miss what could have been with Madelyn. But we are so thankful Sadie is here and despite all the heartache, I know this is how things are supposed to be. I wouldn't change anything.

I have always wondered how or if we would incorporate Madelyn into our children's lives. I have always wanted to, but I know some people think it's strange. Some people see Madelyn as a body lost, but I know she had a spirit. I have also had experiences that tell me that Sadie and Madelyn are two different spirits. That's enough to make me feel strongly that we should remember Madelyn in our family in whatever way we can.

My sister-in-law, Amanda, sent us this precious onesie shortly after Sadie was born. The words still bring tears to my eyes. 

"Handpicked by my sister in Heaven."

I love it so much! I really do think Madelyn and Sadie were up there together. I can remember one night last January when I was feeling incredibly low, and I was pouring out my heart to God. I felt like Madelyn was there or at least listening in some way. I felt comforted, like she was asking me to hold on for a little bit longer. It was the most at peace at had ever felt since losing Madelyn. So i followed that feeling and told myself to just hang on a little longer. Three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I think that night Madelyn finally decided to send us her little sister. We finally got Sadie, and my heart finally healed.

For the pictures I decided to get out Madelyn's hospital blanket and taken them on that. I am glad I did. Afterwards, I went through some of the things in Madelyn's box and talked to Sadie about her. I felt a little crazy, but it felt good at the same time. It's crazy to be on the other side of all this. Last winter was the hardest of my life, and now I am enjoying one of the best. It's crazy the difference a year can make.

I am so thankful for this beautiful baby of mine. Sometimes I can't believe she's here. She is everything I could have ever hoped for. She has healed my heart and filled it more than I thought possible. I am also thankful for her older sister and the short time I got to spend with her. And thankful she finally decided to send down a sibling. She really did pick a pretty dang cute one.