bulleted thoughts

I used to do these bullet list, thought posts all the time back when I had a lot more time to blog. Now a really cute little baby takes up my time, which is fine by me. But today, we're both sick. Not much playing going on around here. So I'm gonna blog my thoughts in a bulleted form! HUZZAH!!

+ My newest Nephew, Tanner Stanley Klein, was born on Wednesday!! I am so excited for Jessi and Marshall. He and Sadie will be almost exactly 5 months apart, so that will be a lot of fun as they grow up! He's a handsome little devil. I can't wait to meet him!!!!!

+ Currently, we are not only sick, but I am hiding Sadie and I up in our bedroom because there is a mouse somewhere in our apartment. Yes, a mouse. Ready for a long story? On Monday, Sadie was sitting on my lap reading some books in her bedroom. Lady had been staring under the fridge like a crazy person for 30 minutes so I figured there was a bug under there. Or there was nothing under there; she's just weird. Suddenly I heard her nails on the wood floor and I could tell she had taken off running. I took Sadie out to see what kind of bug she was chasing, but instead I found a very small mouse in her mouth. I screamed, shut Sadie and I in her room, and made a frantic call to Nathan who thought that something had happened to Sadie before I calmed down and told him it was a mouse. He had me trap it under a bowl, which was hard to do with Lady having a field-day over this thing, and wait until he got home. The mouse was un-injured, Lady just likes to play, and I refused to let Nathan or our landlord kill it. So Nathan took it to a park nearby and let it go. (Honestly, it was really cute. He was so small!! Like, smaller than a hotwheels car, tail included). I thought that was the end of it. Our landlords upstairs have never had a problem with mice in the 30 years they have owned the home, but noticed some mice poop by their fridge last week. We thought it was the same guy and that it was over. Well, this morning Sadie woke me up around 9 and I went to let Lady into the room. We keep her shut out all night, and she loves to join us in there for Sadie's morning feeding. But she didn't come running to the door like she always does when I open it. So I called her, she came running triumphantly out of the bathroom, with another tiny mouse in her mouth. I couldn't believe it!!! I knew I needed to trap him again, so I shut Lady in our bedroom so I could get to him. Big mistake. He was much quicker than the other mouse. He ran behind our trash can, and literally disappeared. I have no idea where he went. I let Lady right back out and she hasn't been able to find him either. So Sadie and I are in my bedroom until the mouse is caught. Get to work Lady.

+ Sadie is so cute, even when she's sick. I'm just watching her sleep right now. Sometimes I feel like my heart might explode.

+ Kinda going off that note, I hope no one took my last post wrong or thinks I'm ungrateful for my situation. I am SO THANKFUL to be home with Sadie. But I also struggle some days. It's especially hard that we only have 1 car, which Nathan has to take to work, and it's cold outside and we live in a basement, so I can sometimes feel a little trapped. Not by my baby, but by our circumstance. But there's nothing wrong with having a hard day and I am defintely not ungrateful for what I have! Believe me, after losing a baby and it taking 9 months to get pregnant, I'll never take what I have for granted. This blog documents my life, and I want to be honest and real on it. So I'll blog on the good days, and the hard ones.

+ I love HGTV so much. Netflix only ever has ONE season of all their shows though. Do you know how fast I go through 1 season of a TV show, Netflix?! REALLY FAST!!! Right now I am lovin' on Property Brothers. Also, Love it or List it is really annoying. And really obviously scripted. 

+ Series finale of Parks and Rec.. I need to find someone else who watched it because I need to discuss! My heart is sad that it's over. I also have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the last season. SOMEONE DISCUSS WITH ME BESIDES MY HUSBAND! He's tried of me saying the same thing over and over.

+ Despite the fact that basement living can be hard sometimes, and that for some reason mice are here, I really love our apartment so much. How often can you find a brand-new basement apartment with tons of natural light, your own entrance, your own heating and AC, landlords that you love, landlords that you NEVER hear despite living under them, landlords that take care of every problem immediately, landlords that bring you food, landlords that babysit your child, a huge-open layout, plenty of space and storage, your own yard, an awesome neighborhood, an awesome ward, and a couple pet mice? ;) It's pretty awesome. I am not even really that nervous about this mice situation, because I know our landlords are going to completely take care of it.

+ I am bummed that Utah figured out it was Winter, not Spring. Hopefully it forgets and we can get the sun back soon. I miss taking walks!

+ You know the whole white and gold, blue and black dress picture? I can't tell you how much stress it caused Nathan and I last night, haha. We both saw white and gold. I stared forever trying to figure this out!! Then, suddenly, I saw black and blue. It was so weird! BAM! Right in front of my eyes. They've determined that he dress is actually black and blue, so I feel better now that I can see the right colors. But I still don't understand it. Nathan still can't see black and blue.

+ You ever have those days where you tell yourself you're gonna eat healthy the whole day, and then you end up telling your husband to bring home pizza? That's me every day.

+ Sadie is snoring. There are very few things in life cuter than a snoring baby.

+ Sadie pooped and peed all over our bed on Tuesday. I have never been more grateful for the waterproof mattress cover we bought when we got our mattress. Everyone needs one!

+ I keep randomly breaking out in small patches of hives. I thought I knew the cause, but now I'm not so sure..

+ Imagine Dragons has a new album! I feel like it's been million years since their first! We first started listening to them when just their EP was out, and that was 3 years ago. (Remember when we met Dan Reynolds and he let us into his show for free?) I may have built it up a little bit in my mind because I am not crazy about every song, like I was on their first. But there are a lot of good songs! Currently, this one is my favorite. His voice makes me want to cry.

+ Lady still hasn't found the mouse.

+ I don't get how some people don't like Carrie Underwood. You don't have to like country music to admit she is really hot and has one of the most amazing voices in the world!

+ Sadie has found her feet and she is obsessed. She just sits and holds them. She also loves making new sounds and screams, it's awesome.

+ I set out bread as a trap. Still no mouse. I wish we could put out mouse traps, but Lady would get into them. I already had a dream that she stepped on one and it broke her leg. Seriously. I also had a dream that people were stealing our car and I kicked them in the knees and they left. I seriously went and kicked each one in the knee.

+ Nathan and I stopped buying diet coke. We can drink it when we're out, but we don't keep it in our home. I WANT DIET COKE ALL THE TIME.

+ I don't really have anything else to say. Except this

Happy Weekend, folks.

Vitamin D

Wednesday I was in a rut. I was grumpy and bored and tired and my back hurt really bad. I was making plans to go visit my old coworkers next week, and it made me really start missing my teaching job. I started to feel trapped in our little house. Nathan came home for lunch, like he always does, and I decided to take him back so I could have the car.

I didn't know what I was going to do, but I figured getting out of the house was enough. Sadie fell asleep and I figured I could just drive around during her nap, blasting some music, turning off my brain, and then it would be time to pick Nathan up from work. But Sadie decided a 30-minute nap was the thing to do. She was wide awake and getting restless. I didn't want to drive home just to sit there, but I was also being grumpy and didn't want to take the effort of getting out and doing anything. I was seriously being such a boob.

But I put on my big-girl panties, got a diet coke from McDonald's, and took Sadie to a park near Nathan's work. It's amazing how quickly the sun can lift my spirits, and how quickly playing with my little lady can remind me why I left teaching in the first place.

I have worked since I was 14. Most of the years I was also going to school. Even when I graduated college and was teaching full-time, I went back to school to get my reading endorsement. I have loved all the jobs I've had and my schooling. I felt like I really changed some lives, mine being one of them. Leaving teaching was hard. It's still hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes I look at the clock and think about what period it would be and what I would be teaching. I miss my students. I miss my coworkers. I miss bringing in a paycheck. I miss the feeling I would get as I see my students progress. I never thought I'd be anything close to a "career woman," but it turns out, my job was really important to me.

Life is very different now. It's very slow-paced. The person I spend 99% of my day with, can't actually have a conversation with me. There are days when I wake up, and have literally nothing planned. It can be daunting sometimes. It leads me to be even more lazy than I should. "Why get out of bed before noon if we have nothing going on today?"

But that just leads me to be sad and grumpy. And that's the last thing I want to be, because my life is pretty dang awesome. Sure, I miss teaching. But there were several months while I was teaching where I would cry on my lunch break and just pray to be pregnant. I work hard not to forget that this life I have now, is the one I have prayed for for years. I gave up something I loved doing, for something I love even more. There's no place I'd rather be than home with Sadie.

So are some days hard? Yep. But now I know I just need to get out to the park and feel the sun on my face. I need to watch Sadie feel grass for the first time and make a funny face. I need to watch her giggle when the winds blows in her face, and laugh myself as she talks to the trees for 40 minutes. And then my sweet husband gets to join us and make it all complete, I'm a lucky lady, and I am going to do my best not to forget it.

A President's Day Surprise!

Nathan's company never gets holidays off besides the BIG ones. They work with lawyers and apparently lawyers never take vacations, so he doesn't either. He's never had President's Day off in the past, so I didn't even think for a second he'd have it off this year.

Sadie woke up at 9 and I pulled her into bed with me to feed her. Our fridge beeps if it's been open too long, and I suddenly heard it beep. My heart started pounding and my mind raced.

Nathan should have left for work and hour and a half ago. 

He doesn't even eat breakfast anyway.

Someone is in my house!!! 

Why are they in the fridge?

Shouldn't they be stealing our computer?

I haven't even gone grocery shopping in a week.

Then I started to realize that no one breaks into people's houses to eat their food. Sadie had already fallen back asleep on my chest so I didn't want to wake her, and I was still a tiny bit nervous, so I texted Nathan and asked if he was home. He said he was at work. Then I heard the sink turn on and the sound of dishes being washed. So this really nice burglar was eating my food, and doing my dishes. At that point I knew Nathan was home. I put Sadie back to bed and went out to see him doing the dishes, and making breakfast. He had actually gotten the day off and wanted to surprise me! We had breakfast and watched TV, then went shopping and out to lunch. Then we braved the movie theatre with a 4 month old and saw The Mockingjay. Sadie was pretty good! She watched the movie half the time, and slept half the time.

I love my cute husband and that he still surprises me with little things like this. And it was so fun to have him home on a weekday! We really like this guy. Best daddy ever.

Valentine's Day

This year I was in charge of Valentine's day, which isn't really any kind of stress, because we have rules, haha. Our first year married, we did a huge Valentine's day and then, 2 months later, a huge anniversary. I had planned Valentine's day and we spent the whole weekend on a getaway to Cedar City. Nathan was in charge of our anniversary, and he planned a whole weekend long "stay-cation" where we did tons of fun things around Salt Lake, and had a very expensive anniversary dinner at The Roof. We realized we couldn't afford to do that every year. So we planned that Valentine's day would always be simple, and anniversaries would only be big every 5 years. It has made planning these holidays much more simple. And cheap. Because we're poor.

We slept in that day, thanks Sadie, and I woke up to roses and Reeces. The 2 R's. The only things I really need in life!

We had a picnic downtown at Liberty Park. The weather was amazing! We spent a long time just walking around and enjoying the sunshine. I never thought much about missing the sun until I moved to Utah. The sun is so amazing!!!

Sadie needed to eat so we stopped by Nathan's office so I could feed her and hang out for a while. Sadie took a little nap while we went on a long drive and just talked.

We picked up Olive Garden for dinner! Oh I can't tell you how wonderful it is to NOT go to a restaurant on Valentine's Day. We went out to our new favorite place, Straws, for dessert. Their milkshakes are my bff.

It was a perfect day! I really love my little valentines. 

A Love Day Photoshoot

I always knew my child would be one of the most over-photographed children in the world. I am fully accepting of that. I cannot stop taking pictures. I know I'll be thankful for it :) But it will be hard to choose which pictures to put in her baby book.. it may need to be 500 pages long.

Here's our little lady on Valentine's day!

Typical Sunday

Typical Sunday after church..

We go on a walk

We take a nap

We snuggle

Sundays are quickly becoming my favorite day of the week

two little girls

I am sitting here crying over the news that someone I don't even know has lost their baby at 24 weeks. She has battled infertility and had several miscarriages, and I can't help but think about the unfairness of it all. I know it will all make sense one day, but I am surrounded by too many amazing women who deserve babies and can't have them. While simultaneously having to see some people pop out babies like it's no big deal. It weighs on my heart. It' been nearly 2 years since we lost Madelyn. People just assume it's part of my past. "You have a new baby now, why be sad?!" But I feel like I will always identify with the bereaved mother.

But I also go around with some strange form of survivors guilt. Why do I get to have a baby? I am so happy and feel so blessed, but I can't help but remember how it felt all those months while I watched other people enjoy what I had lost. I hated those months. It was so hard to try and feel happy for people, but really just be sad and angry. Then you get to feel guilty for feeling sad and angry. Now I am feeling guilty that I no longer have to feel sad and angry. It's so hard. I want to give everyone a baby. I honestly pray that everyone trying to have a baby will get pregnant. It may sound kinda silly, but after what we went through, it's an honest and pure desire of mine. It's strange that my life has very much moved on, and it hasn't at the same time. I'm not in a dark place anymore. I am the happiest I have ever been. But it's a different kind of happy.

I told Nathan the other day that the last couple months before we lost Madelyn were the most care-free of my life. I don't mean that I am not insanely happy right now, because I am. I am the happiest. But I will never be so naive and care-free. Life will never be that simple and easy. That makes me sad. I feel like once your heart has seen a certain amount of darkness, it can't go back. I lost the thing that meant most to me in the world. I gave birth to and held my dead daughter. I was trapped in a never ending pit of depression. I didn't go a day without gut-wrenching crying for nearly 9 months. You can't 100% come back from that. You can't go around thinking life will always be sunshiney, because it won't. I have lived my days without the sun, and I know they will come again in different forms. Maybe that's an awful attitude to live with, but it's what I've got.

I carry it all with me now; with Sadie. I am constantly paranoid about losing her. I always thought that once she was out, I would feel more calm. I definitely do to an extent, I can see her and know she's alive, but it's still hard. She wears a little sensor to bed that goes off if she stops breathing, and even with that on, I still check to to make sure she's breathing every time I wake up. It's annoying to worry so much, yet nothing hurts me more than someone who accuses me of being crazy or overly paranoid. Or laughs at my worries and fears. I always bite my tongue, but all I really want to say is that they can have an opinion once they have given birth in a silent room and cried tears over an empty body that will never take a breath. It's not something you can even begin to understand until it's happened to you. I guess I should honestly be grateful that paranoia is the worst thing that I still carry with me. Sadie has healed a lot of the wounds, but the scars aren't going anywhere. For some reason, some people think I should have forgotten it all now that Sadie is here. It's like they don't remember crying with me. It's like they think it was some bad dream to be forgotten.

Then there's the pregnancy fear. Honestly, if Nathan would allow me haha, I would have another baby yesterday. I know my body needs a break, but gosh I just want another baby. But when I actually think about being pregnant, I feel sick to my stomach. If my second pregnancy had gone smoothly, I think I wouldn't be so scared, but it didn't go smoothly. There was the problem with her brain ventricles, then the down syndrome scare, then she had too much fluid, then the awful day at 38 weeks when she stopped moving, then her heart rate was plummeting every few minutes, then she presented the wrong way and I ended up with a c-section. My nurse told me that she thinks we would have lost Sadie had I not gone in that day. I know she meant that as comforting, but all I thought was, "Why do my babies keep trying to die?" There's no explanation for Madelyn's death, and there was no explanation for why Sadie's heart was failing. It's a monster with no name or face. I have no idea why my pregnancies end so scary. It could be just a fluke, or it could be that every pregnancy will end this way. There's no way of knowing. That's terrifying.

But I have Sadie. She's here. She's safe. She's everything. And she makes my heart lighter every day. She helps me see that it will all be okay. (Even if I do have to endure another 9 months of paranoia). I don't really know what this post was about. Mostly it's that my heart is full of so much love, while simultaneously filled with worry and missing Madelyn, and that can be confusing. Sometimes I have to type it out before I even realize it was bothering me. It's hard to have two little girls in your heart, and only have one here with you. But I am also so thankful for those two little girls. They've stretched my heart quite big.

weekending

I used to be really good at updating the blog every weekend. I need to get better at that, because I have way too many Sadie pictures. It's a problem. A really adorable problem. I know the tiny details of every weekend may bore some people. but I love going back and looking at all my old blog posts and the things we did! Sooooo deal with it.

But this weekend was fun! The weather has been INSANE. Insane in a good way. So we really wanted to get out and enjoy the 60 degree weather. Because seriously.. this is insane.

Friday we got Cafe Rio and said was all looking like this

And Lady was deciding that the toilet is her new place to nap and hang out.

The best thing ever happened on Saturday morning. Sadie has been sleeping like CRAP lately. It has sucked butts. My doctor says a 4 month sleep regression is very common because they are progressing so quickly at that stage. I told her to shut up and make my baby sleep more. Just kidding, I only thought that. Okay back to the story. Sadie sleeps like crap. And Friday night was an especially bad night. She was up every hour and a half. She only calms down and goes back to sleep if I nurse her for a couple minutes so Nathan is really not much help. But when she decided she was going to wake up for good around 8, when she usually sleeps until at least 10, I started crying. Seriously. Nathan hopped out of bed and said he would take her and I fell back asleep before he even left the room. I slept for 3 more hours. It was heaven. When I came out, Sadie was bathed and dressed for the day, and already taking her first nap. Maybe she was dressed in a romper with leg warmers on, but she was dressed none-the-less. I have a sweet husband.

I did, however, change her outfit, haha. I couldn't pass up the chance for her to wear this freaking awesome cardigan. I mean, come on.

We went to Banbury Cross down town for our favorite donuts. Ahhh now I want donuts again.

Donuts give Sadie a severe case of "fat face"

Take a look at these donuts and realize that you will never taste anything as amazing as that cinnamon donut.

We walked and drove around, enjoying the sunshine, then headed to Pleasant Grove to go to a Vintage Market where our friends had a booth. It was really fun! Tons of totally awesome and weird stuff, and good to catch up with our friends Logan and Jacqueline.

We got Chick-Fil-A then came home so Sadie could nap. Then we went to take pictures for a couple of youth in our ward. Their parents could make it to take pictures of them before the dance, so they asked us. It was fun. I love these kids. The youth in our ward are the bomb.

Sadie definitely had fun the rest of the night.

Few things are more fun than dad's beard

I wish I could tell you that on Sunday we got out and enjoyed the sun. But after church, we came home and napped. 

The nap was pretty awesome though.