#excusemybaguette

Haven't blogged much in the last few weeks. Mostly because my life consisted of a giant to-do list with "GIRLS CAMP" written at the top. Now, everything is crossed off that list. Including "go to girls camp." (I didn't really write that on my list. That was just my clever way of telling you that girls camp is over.

Warning: This week has meant a lot to me, and I am already hormonal and sentimental. I will give way too many details and a million pictures of girls you don't know. Again, the primary purpose of this blog is documentation for my own sake. You have been warned.

This was the first calling where I really felt like I could throw my whole heart into it. Callings in singles wards are sometimes jokes, and the only real one I ever had was Sunday School teacher at 19. It was terrifying. In our first married ward, we were there for 2 years before we even got callings. (They didn't function super well). And then we were given callings as "ward missionaries" and our ward mission leader never had anything for us to do. It kinda sucked. We didn't feel involved or needed.

The second Sunday in our new ward, they asked me to be the camp director. I was terrified, Girls Camp is a pretttty big deal out here, but I was os dang excited. This is something I knew I could excel at. I had been working with teenagers for 3 years already. I enjoyed the outdoors. I was organized. It was gonna be awesome.

Then I met all the other Young Women's leaders and all the girls and I fell in love. There isn't a bad egg in there! Nathan and I got called to teach all the teenagers (boys and girls) in Sunday School ages 14-18, so I got to know those girls even better. I spent 2 hours of church with them every week, haha. This has been the most meaningful, stretching, and beautiful opportunity to serve I have ever had. I have been given so much in return.

And with that mushy rant, here's what we did with 467,833 pictures.

The Saturday before camp, Nathan, my bishop, Jenna (my assistant), her husband, and I went up to our camp site. It's at our huge Stake Property since it was a stake girls camp and we wanted to scope it out and start set up. We got a pretty good site which I was happy about. The problem is that all the camp sites were up a massive hill from where the stake was staying, and there was little shade. Luckily, our bishop is the bomb and had this MASSIVE canopy with tent attached. So we could store all our supplies in the tent and we moved the picnic tables under the canopy so we had plenty of shade. This is when I really started to get excited. So much planning and prep had gone into it, all I felt was stressed. Now it was finally time!!

Jenna and I took the older girls (YCL's, or youth camp leaders) grocery shopping the Friday before camp and then we precooked everything so meals were super easy. We froze it all and just warmed it up. BEST IDEA EVER. Jenna has done a million girls camps before so when she got called to be my assistant I was all kinds of stoked. Jenna and I were the only ones up there the whole time, but the rest of the leaders all took a day or so where they could get work off or babysitters and join us! The women I serve with are amazing.

We had 13 girls total come, but 2 could only stay part time. It's a lot smaller of a group than I was used to when I was going to Girls Camp as a teenager, but I loved it. It made for good bonding with the girls and leaders.

Monday was a day just for the YCL's. We took them up and set up camp, then took them back into town for pizza. We headed back and spent the day watching them do games and activities. Then we got our camp site all set up for the rest of the girls who would be coming early the next morning.

My YCL's! 

Everyone else got up there early in the morning and we got our camp all set up! Before heading down for the big kick off, we had lunch and got changed into our awesome ward t-shirts. The theme of camp was "The Amazing Race" and each ward was a different country. We were Australia!

Heading down the giant hill

They spent the afternoon running "races" to compete with the other wards. They had a lot of fun. They held the record for the straw tower, which surprised me. Because I kept telling them it wasn't going to be able to hold anything, haha. I am such an encouraging leader.

Real life version of Angry Birds. This was awesome.

Then we crafted, snacked, played cards (I am the master of Trump) until dinner. We ended the night with a campfire, because duh.

We got up super early the next day and left on an adventure! We got permission from the stake to go to Provo Falls and I am so glad we did. All the girls said it was their favorite part of camp. We loaded the girls into our cars and made the 40 minute trip. There was no one there and the girls got to explore, hike, climb, and play in the water. We spent a couple hours there and had a picnic. It was a lot of fun.

DeShelle, Jenna, and I! Don't worry about how massive I am.

We did some more hanging out and game-playing, and then the girls ran some more "races," this time going over to races held by the other wards. All the girls from the other wards came to our camp to run our "Australian race" too. I wish I had taken pictures, but we did a 3-part relay race. Fist girls threw boomerangs throw a hoop. (Nathan built me the coolest hoop stands!) Then they had to say certain phrases in an Australian accent. That was hilarious. Then they had to do a 3-legged race. It was fun to meet the other girls at the camp and I know my girls had a ton of fun doing the other ward's races.
After that, Nathan came to join us!! We needed to have a Priesthood holder there every night and I was so excited that Nathan could work it out to come. I freaking missed him. We made tin foil dinners and went down for a big devotional speaker.

We had a big dessert night then went back to camp for what I believe was the world's longest game of Big Booty that was every played! We might have played for 3 hours. All girls, leaders, and Nathan included. The girls love Nathan which makes me happy. He knows the older ones from our Sunday School class, and it was so fun to watch him play Big Booty and get out a million times.

Then we built a fire and roasted to our heart's content. S'mores, starbursts, cookies, bread, you name it. I slept so much better having Nathan in my tent with me. I knew that if a bear attacked, he could handle it. He also killed many spiders.

The next day was really nice and calm. We got to kind of sleep in, breakfast was made for us by the stake, and then the girls went on more races. This time I didn't have to run our race at our campsite, so I got to go around with them and watch them do the challenges. It was also cool and cloudy all day which was amazing compared to the heat we had all week.

We made the cutest dang bracelets and made pizzas after. Then of course, played Trump for the 9 millionth time!

We had a sort of "closing ceremonies" down at the stake camp and then had all afternoon and evening just for our ward. This night was so much fun! We had some awesome men from our ward come out and cook us the most amazing meal! All of the YW leaders, except DeShelle who was greatly missed, were able to come to dinner, as well as the bishopric and their wives! It started pouring rain right before dinner, of course, but luckily we had our big canopy. It got freezing but the girls were so dang hyper and we had such good company that we didn't care! We ate and socialized and then I gave out funny camp awards to all of the girls. It was so much fun. 

Bishop selfie!!

After dinner and dessert and being silly for a long time, we calmed down and so did the rain. We set up chairs and built a campfire and had a beautiful devotional and testimony meeting. It began lightly raining at the end but it kind of just added to the beautiful spirit that was there. Afterwards there were lots of hugs and then most of our visitors had to leave and then the girls' hyperness came back. We had a lot of fun that last night.

Grumpy rain faces.

Please realize these girls stuffed their sweatshirts and are not actually pregnant, hahaha. They just want to be me.

We melted glow sticks, haha.

The amazing YCL's! They really worked so hard and were amazing.

The next morning we were up early and had our awesome bishop and some other men come and help us take down camp and load up our trailer. It was bittersweet. I was ready to sleep in a real bed and take a real shower, but I didn't want the week to end either.

I really love each one of these girls so much. I was in a rough place when I got this calling. I had just found out I was pregnant and was dealing with the roller coaster of emotions with that, and they helped liven my spirit up and help me find joy in the moment. This summer was also hard to start because I was saying goodbye to teaching, but having them and this camp helped ease me into the transition.

The women I work with our incredible. I have to give a specific shout out to Jenna, who saved my life. She is a Girls Camp pro and put up with my endless phone calls and text messages and emails. She stayed with me the whole week and was my support when certain thing were going to make me crazy. She has my same sarcastic sense of humor and we had so much fun together. She's the bomb.

I am really thankful for this opportunity. I was super worried to be honest, but I survived! I was able to sleep pretty well at night (I NEVER had to get up to pee! It's a freaking miracle), I only got 3 bug bites, no sunburns, stayed super hydrated, didn't get too exhausted or was in too much pain.. it was a great week.

It's good to be home though. I think my cat missed me.

One Republic

I surprised Nathan for Father's Day with One Republic tickets!!!

This was maybe a gift for me too.

Nathan has the BIGGEST man-crush on Ryan Tedder. It has yet to reach Brandon Flowers man-crush status, but after the concert he said that he thinks Ryan has moved to #2, knocking Matt Belamy to the #3 spot! WoooAAHhh!

(Should I be concerned that my husband is so in love with male musicians?)

For reals though, the show was amazing. We have been obsessed with their new album and they sang almost all our favorite songs from it! (Come on Ryan, BURNING BRIDGES!) I love that Ryan wasn't a huge talker. Nathan and I have been to many concerts over the course of our almost 8 years together. Some amazing. Some eh. But one thing I have noticed is that we both don't like when the artist spends more time talking and swearing for no reason and telling random stories on stage than they do actually singing. I love to hear stories behind songs or insights into the artists life, but some people talk FOREVER. (I'm talking about you, Matt Nathanson). One Republic was so good at telling just a few little stories, and playing a whole butt-load of music. They sang the majority of their new album, and they sang every one of their old hit songs. It's was awesome.

The show was at USANA amphitheater and I would like to pass my new knowledge of this place on to others. This was my second show here, but the last one was 4 years ago and I couldn't remember much about this venue. So here's what I now know.

-It is such a fun, summery place! Get lawn tickets. You aren't even that far and they are so much cheaper.

-Get there early to get a good lawn spot.

-Don't be the people who came to the show almost 2 hours late and asked us to scoot over so they could put their blanket there. I was pissed. And I let them know. And I don't even care. We got to the show 2 hours early to get that spot. Go sit at the top of the freaking hill you jerks. Best part? They didn't know any of the words to any of the songs and left halfway through the show. WHY DID YOU EVEN COME?

-This venue is perfect for a pregnant lady. In between acts, I could just lay down. It was awesome.

-They don't check your purse for food very hard like their website said they would. So I didn't even need to sneak candy in a tampon box.

-If you want to buy two small cups of water, it will cost you $8. And then don't have lids.

-LEAVE DURING THE ENCORE! I cannot stress this enough. I did this at the concert 4 years ago and we did it again this time. We could still hear the closing song from the parking lot, and it took us 1 minute to get out of the parking lot. There were 18,000 people at that show. I have friends who waited for 2 hours to get out of the parking lot. Seriously.

We loved being outside. It wasn't even too cold once the sun went down. We loved One Republic. The Script and American Authors both opened for them and they were amazing too. This was so much fun!

Enjoying the sun when we first got there.

As we were waiting for One Republic to come out!

Don't mind the awful pictures. I only had my iPhone

Don't mind my squinting. The flash was bright! 

just him and me

The first year following Madelyn's death, I didn't like doing anything. Even after the severe depression faded at the beginning of 2014, I still never felt like going out or doing anything. I was stuck in a rut. I was bored with my life. I was supposed to have a cute little baby to play with and take to the park. Instead I was alone. It was really hard. 

One thing it took me a while to realize was just how hard it was on Nathan; not just me. I make a slideshow on our anniversary every year and when I was making the one for our second year, I had trouble finding enough pictures of us to fill just one song. That's when I realized hadn't really done much that year. We had big trips and events of course, but Nathan and I have always been a spontaneous couple who love to go out and do random things just for fun. I could not find any pictures of us doing any of that. I was really sad. Of course it was hard to not have Madelyn with us, but I was wasting this precious time that I had with just my sweet husband and me.

So after the morning sickness wore off, I decided take advantage of every last second that Nathan and I had just us. So I am going to be documenting our moments together. It's the "just him and me" project.  It's not the big things we do, but the little, fun, random, spontaneous moments. It's been fun. Whenever I start to feel bummed thinking about Madelyn. I remind myself how lucky I am to have this time with Nathan and then we run out and do something. I am thankful Nathan waited patiently for the real Kaitlin to come back. And I'm thankful we've been able to have so much fun just the two of us!

We've been playing tennis. We are not good.

We have been exploring all the new parks out in the Cottonwood area. We love parks.

We've been loving our pool!!

We live 1 minute walking distance from a Super Target. We literally share a parking lot. We love to walk there and get things to make dinner or dessert. 

Or sometimes we head to Wendy's at midnight and take magical pictures with the headlights behind us.

We walk to get shaved ice.

We play games with our kitty.

Oh look. We walked to target again.

We frequent Rita's. You'll see these mostly revolve around food.

We eat out on our balcony. (Don't make fun of my weird pregnancy cravings). We do this A LOT. We are up on the top floor so we don't have to worry about awkward eye contact from people walking around. We have an amazing view of the mountains. The weather has been amazing. Lady loves to join us out there. It's the best. Plus it gets us away from our phones and Netflix.

We go on lots of walks around our neighborhood. It's so cute! We dream about our future home.

Sometimes we stay up until 2am playing card games. And both take pictures of each other without the other knowing.

Slurpee runs

Nights when I had to work late and Nathan would bring some Chinese to my classroom and we would have a lovely time.

I love this guy and this time we get to spend together!

The end and how I feel about it

Well, the school year is over. My stint as a teacher is over for the time being. I feel very strange about it all.

first day of teaching vs last day of teaching. I started alone, then added a husband, two little girls, and a super pissed off cat.

The last couple days with my kids were really fun. On Monday I actually made them learn. They couldn't believe it. "ITS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!" They cried. "I don't care care!" I shouted back. They pretended to be mad. But I still got some after school visitors so I know they got over it.

Tuesday was spent outside basically all day for 9th grade field day. The kids did solar ovens and chalk tessellations and played games. A 6'4 coworker of mine ran and jumped through a hula hoop. I got sunburned. It was really fun.

I was given this by a student who is super into photoshop and thinks he's hilarious. 

Wednesday was my last day with them. I sat with them on the gym floor and watched the teachers get their butts kicked in the teacher vs student volleyball game. Then they cleaned my whole classroom and carried all my crap out to my car for me. The studs.

This is when having all male students comes in handy. They took out my 4 giant bags of trash and recycling, and carted allllll my crap out to my car. I didn't lift a finger. Except to take this picture.

I love this picture of these guys walking back because I caught the moment right before all 4 of the boys staring into that open door, ran into that room and thought they were so funny.

The day ended with a school-wide yearbook signing party and I got my last after-school visit from my 3 hell-raisers. It was bittersweet. 

Very flattering yearbook picture of Zach and I. It was on the "teachers in action" page. Funny thing is, the lady walked in and said, "Everyone act natural I want pictures of teaching in progress!" And all my kids turned and smiled for the camera haha. So this is me actually telling them to all turn around. Not teaching.

My last visit. I was going to have them pose and smile, but then decided I wanted a candid of them just being them. I will miss these visits more than anything. I love these boys.

Thursday The 9th graders were at Lagoon and I broke down on my drive out to work as I realized I wasn't going to be spending the day with my buddies, and actually never would again. I was really, really sad. I still am. It makes no sense that after two years of spending half my day with these kids every day, that I won't see them again. That just sucks butts.

Lunch that day was cause for more tears as I ate lunch with my closest teacher friends and we talked about how half of us our leaving (Shaw and Moody got new jobs) and that it was our last lunch with all of us together. I love these people. I have been insanely blessed with coworkers. Not a single person at my school is someone I don't consider a dear friend. How rare is that? There is a record breaking 14 teachers leaving the school this year for schooling or new jobs or family or moving. It's been sad. These people are amazing human beings. This group in particular have really and truly saved my life. I love them so much. 

Friday was a half day and only 8th graders came. I headed in to check the last few things off my list. Then I hung out with some teacher friends until the faculty vs. students softball game. Kimese and I did our usual cheerleading. We are the best at it.

This picture sucks and I blame the fact that we took it with Brady's crappy phone. I love this lady. She may be a working mom of 3, but she is as crazy and awesome as they come.

After that the kids went home and us teachers got to eat a delicious feast. Then came the goodbyes. Our principal called us each up and gave us some yummy treats. It was hard not to cry. I am surprised that I held it together for a while. But once he dismissed us, the tears came. There was a lot of hugging and crying. There's just so many people here that I love!! I love this job. I love this school. After cry-fest 2014, I got my stuff and gave one last look at room 121, then left.

Last week

Today

I'm feeling a bit lost as I close this chapter of my life. It has been the most incredible journey for me. I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a very young girl. Having that dream realized has been amazing. South Hills changed me. The students and the faculty changed me. I love those halls. I will never be able to fully put into words what the past 3 years have meant for my life.

I feel very much caught in limbo as I say goodbye to teaching, yet I am not a stay at home mom yet. I really do feel like a bit if my identity is gone. I have felt so proud to call myself a teacher these past years. I cannot wait to be a mom, but little baby still feels so far away and I am already missing my 15-year-old babies terribly. I know it's just a transition stage, but gosh I hate those.

I've come to realize that my life has been full of very painful goodbyes with children. All through high school, I worked at an after school program for kids. I would love these kids with all my heart and tutor them and play with them and then the summer would come and they'd be gone. I'd never see them again. When I started college I nannied for a few different families and it was the same thing all over again. I'd love and take care of the kids, and then it would be time to move on. Later I taught preschool. Then summer practicum. Then student teaching. And now real teaching. Year after year of kids who I love and sacrifice for, and then have to say goodbye to. Then it happened with my first baby. I loved her and sacrificed for her and carried her for 8 months, only to have to say goodbye. My heart can't take these goodbyes anymore. 

I loved being a teacher. I LOVE my students, and will forever. But I am so ready to be a mom. So ready to have a sweet hello that isn't immediately followed by a sad goodbye. I'm so thankful to have had these years and experiences to prepare me. I think I'm ready for the next adventure.

marry the nice guy

This is a very random post. So, just.. yeah.
This topic has been on my mind a lot lately.
I teach the young women at my church, and I always worry about them dating.
Out of all the advice I could ever give to young girls, I think this is the most important:

GIRLS, marry the nice guy.

Way back as a young 18-year-old, I had a very best friend, Nathan, who later turned into my husband. After we first met and kissed a couple times, I told him I was still not over my ex (we had broken up only a couple weeks prior) and that I needed some time. He was so kind and offered his friendship with no strings attached. He became one of the most important people in my life over the course of the next 8 months. He even sat around and kindly listened to me vent and tears over stupid boys who I was dating. Never complained. Never wavered. He was the best.

A roommate asked me if I would ever date Nathan. I told her I definitely had feelings for him and was attracted to him, but I could never end up with him. Why? 

Because he was too nice.

Is that the dumbest thing you have ever heard? (Keep in mind, I was still technically a teenager). "Yeah, he would treat me way too well. I don't want to end up with a guy like that!"

I cannot truly understand my thought process, but over the years I have been able to figure some things out as to why my thinking was so twisted.

First of all, I had a "serious" boyfriend in high school and we dated for nearly 2 years by the time we broke up halfway though my freshman year of college. We fought constantly. I'm sure he is much different now, but I would not have described him as a "nice guy" back then. We would get in these huge screaming matches. They were so dramatic and over the top. Me running out of his house crying. Him pounding the wall in frustration. Yelling, crying, sobbing, screaming, name calling, cursing, phone throwing.. you name it. But afterwards, we would have these over-the-top make ups. Huge declarations of love. Big promises to be better. Long kisses. Like a stupid soap opera that I would probably love to watch, but it really sucks to live. But that's what I thought relationships were like. They had to be heated and angry and explosive to really have passion. The guy had to kind of be a jerk. That's just how guys are! Isn't that what we always see portrayed in media? The guy is an obsessive sports nut who will never watch your shows and will make fun of you for liking them. He will hate your friends and never get along with your mom. He will be a slob and you will constantly fight over the dishes in the sink. He's too proud and stubborn to stop and ask for directions. He'll forget your anniversary, and buy you something stupid on your birthday. You'll never see eye-to-eye on most issues, but that's okay because you'll have the awesome, blow-out fights and then get to make up. That's just what love is!

Maybe that works for some people, but that's never been what I actually wanted. I thoughts that's just what you were supposed to do. But I married the nice guy. And I have never been more happy of my choice.

After breaking up with my high school boyfriend and before dating Nathan, I dated a lot more idiots. (I did date some very nice guys too, but it just didn't click with them). It was actually one of these verrrry typical "men" who drove me straight into Nathan's arms. He played games like no one I had ever known before. He was so overly competitive, that he got angry when I beat him at mini golf. He made fun of me in the not fun way- the point where it's not funny anymore; it's mean. He didn't like my friends. He would ignore me to watch sports. He would "forget" to call or "forget" to text back. He would never make us "official." Sure he had good qualities too, but I grew so tired of dealing with guys like this. I had been conditioned to think "that's just how men are!"  That I would have to marry a guy like this and just learn to deal with it. One night, this boy took me to get ice cream at the store that Nathan was currently managing. We talked with Nathan for a bit and then ate our ice cream. This boy told me he could tell Nathan was in love with me, and that he was gonna bring me back here on all our dates just to make Nathan jealous. Well, it didn't work. All it did was make me want to be on a date with Nathan, not him. So I decided to go hang out with Nathan after my date one night. That night, I knew that being with the nice guy was exactly what I wanted. I let Nathan know I was open to it, he kissed me, and BAM. The rest is history. 

Nathan never makes me feel unimportant. He never puts his hobbies or interests before me. He watches trashy television because he knows I like it. He lets me vent and complain about stupid stuff. He is always helping to clean the house. He never yells. He never name calls. He pushes me to be better without putting me down. He always remembers our anniversary and makes a huge deal out of every celebration. He supports me in everything I do and loves me in my weaknesses. He patiently waited for me as a friend for almost a year, but never made me feel pressured to be with him. He cared more about my happiness than his own, even back then. He cleans toilets and cooks dinner and scratches my back until I fall asleep. He adores my family and loves my friends. He is the nicest guy I know. And I love him so much.

Does he do things that annoy me? Yes. Is he sometimes a total "guy"? Yes. Does he always pick up his dirty clothes? No. Does he do everything perfect? No. Do we argue sometimes? Yes. There's no perfect man out there! But Nathan is perfect for me.

You don't need fire and anger and over-the-top fights to have passion. My favorite kind of passion is the kind that comes from mutual love, respect, and adoration. You don't have to constantly be butting heads and challenging each other to have attraction. I am attracted to Nathan for his patience, steady-hand, and innate goodness. I didn't know a marriage could be so harmonious and easy. I didn't know it was okay to marry the nice guy.

I don't know if this is just a problem I had, or if it's more common, but I hope girls out there know they can marry the nice guy. It doesn't have to be like it always in in the movies. A girl has to choose between the sweet and supportive man, or the fiery and hotheaded guy who she fights with a lot. I swear, she almost always chooses the latter. (EXCEPT FOR HUNGER GAMES!!! That was the best. Team Peeta! Team nice guy! Also Pam and Jim. Team JAM!) There's a reason "nice guys finish last" is a common saying. And it's stupid! Nice guys are the best freaking husbands in the world! I hope more and more people realize this and snatch those nice guys up. It is somewhat pleasing to see that a majority of those dummies I dated in the past are still single. I know that sounds biter, but I don't mean that I want them to be miserable. I just want the nice guys to get the girls they deserve! 

So basically, find yourself a nice guy and marry him.

You can thank me later.

Pregnancy after stillbirth part 2

The beginning of the second trimester was not the best. I thought that once we knew the sex, once the sickness faded, once I felt her move- that's when I'd really feel connected. That's what happened with Madelyn! I was so anxiously awaiting the time for this pregnancy to become fun like it was for me last time.

We found out the sex and I was elated- for a day. I started feeling kicks and I thought, "cool." I just kind of pushed it under the rug. Then, slowly, my depression started creeping back in. I wasn't finding joy in things anymore. I was feeling stressed and irritated when I had no reason to be. Work was wrapping up, the summer was coming, and I was a big, fat grump. I tried searching for reasons I was allowing myself to be in such an awful state and one night it hit me- I didn't think I wanted this baby.

Before I get crucified by other women, let me explain. I want nothing more in the world than to be a mother. Nothing. But I want to me a mother to Madelyn. I want her here. She's supposed to be walking right now and saying her first words and looking so dang cute in a little bathing suit. That was my dream. I was supposed to have that. The idea of being a mother is irrevocably tied to Madelyn. As this pregnancy advanced I had to continually remind myself that this baby wasn't the one I gave birth to a year ago. This is a new baby. I have to build a new relationship and a new dream and a new life with this baby. I found myself honestly thinking, "but I don't want a new life with this baby. I want the life I was supposed to have with Madelyn."

These thoughts and the accompanying guilt for having these thoughts weighed on my like a load of bricks. My life and heart became very heavy. My dream of becoming a mom was drawing nearer. I had that which I prayed for for months- a healthy pregnancy. But I didn't want it. I wanted Madelyn. It's heartbreaking to have everything you wanted and feel willing to give it up in exchange for something else. The first trimester I just missed Madelyn. The second trimester, I didn't want her younger sister. That's a hard thing to think.

The guilt I've felt over these thoughts has probably been the worst. There's a beautiful little girl growing inside of me, already craving my love, and I didn't want her. My brain couldn't reconcile these thoughts. I cried a lot. I felt like I did back in the fall. It wasn't fair.

When I finally confessed this all to Nathan, the flood gates opened and I cried all night. He comforted me and expressed similar thoughts, though not quite as intense. He missed Madelyn too. He wanted her here. We talked a lot about it and it felt so good to finally vocalize the pains and fears I was having. He gave me a beautiful blessing that brought me so much peace. In it he told me that I would be happy again. It was shocking to hear that as it really hit me that I have not been truly happy since Madelyn died. I have, of course, had moments of happiness, but cannot say that I was truly, 100% happy ever this past year. It was almost kind of relieving to realize that though. It made sense. More than anything, I was so comforted to hear that I would be happy again. I don't have to carry this weight forever.

The next morning was truly what we both needed. It was our anatomy ultrasound at the hospital. I hadn't been really looking forward to it. We prayed that morning to feel peace, happiness, and a connection to this baby. The ultrasound started and I felt happy and content. Halfway through the ultrasound, the nurse turned on the 4D video and we got to watch our little girl move around in such clear quality it blew my mind. Seeing her move up there literally pierced my heart. I felt so much love for that girl up on the screen. She wasn't just a thing growing inside me, she was my daughter. She was sent to me for a reason. She is going to be the reason I find happiness again. 

I loved watching her move up on the screen. I wish I had an ultrasound machine and could watch her every day. That morning was the true beginning of my relationship with my second daughter. It was the first time I felt like her mother. It was the first time I felt that connection. I still have my moments of fear and pain, and expect I will until she's safe in my arms, but we have begun our connection. I love her so much already. I cannot wait to see how my love grows over these next 20 weeks, and for the rest of my life.