two months out

Two months out since losing Maddie, and I am feeling better than I thought I would.
Not back to normal, but finding more and more joy.
But I think the hardest thing is realizing that my life will never go back to how it was before.
That's what happens when you have a baby, whether or not you get to keep it.
There is no old life for me now.
I have learned things and seen things and felt things that have changed me.
I am not who I was 2 months ago.
There's a weight I have now that might not ever go away.
So the past while I have been trying to learn how to live with it,
instead of learning how to get rid of it.

I have been thinking a lot about waiting lately and how that seems to be a reoccurring theme in our life. Nathan and I met and fell in love when he were 18, but had to wait to get married until we were 24. (Technically I was still 23, but I digress). We waited a lot. He waited for me to get over my past boyfriend. I waited for him to come back to the church. We waited as he prepared for a mission. We waited for his call. And then I waited the two years as he served. He was completely worth the wait. 5 years total. Being married to him has been everything I dreamed it would be. This isn't some brag post about my husband, but I think how the waiting sucked so bad while I was in it, but how it prepared me and stretched me and ultimately made me a better person and made being reunited with Nathan a million times sweeter. We have to wait for children now. We have to wait to be with Maddie. But I think we will be better people because of it and when we do finally receive those things we want so badly, they will be all the sweeter.

I feel her with us often. Some might think that's me making it up in my head, but I don't think it is. There are still a lot of hard nights. (Strange how it always seems to hit at night). That's when I feel her. I know she doesn't want me to be sad. She is there to remind me that I will see her again.

I have a weight in my heart that I didn't have before. 

But it's lighter today.

i will see you again. this is not where it ends.

i will carry you with me, until i see you again.