This honesty kick is getting out of hand.
Here's another honest., thought-vomit post.

This post won't be inspirational or uplifting. Sorry, it's not one of those days. And since we're being honest here, I am pretty sick of being the person people look to for inspiration and strength. It's draining. I'm tired.

Isn't it crazy how a simple picture can ruin your whole day? That happened yesterday. The person who posted it didn't intend to ruin my day, but that doesn't really change anything. I cried for hours last night thinking about what I lost. Some days, it still consumes me.

We are leaving for England in 2 days. Right now, I should be stressed about flying with a 7 month old. Right now, I should be packing her cute, warm London outfits. But I'm not. I'm just sad.

I have been throwing myself quite the pity party lately. I feel like my last 8 years have just been full of so much heart ache. I suffered for 2 years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship that took therapy and a whole lot of time to heal from. I still suffer scars and painful flashbacks. I found the love of my life, and then said goodbye to him for 2 years. I cannot begin to explain the pain I went through during those 24 months. When Nathan and I got pregnant so quickly with Maddie, I thought we were being blessed for all the sacrifices we had made. I feel like I've done nothing but cry for the better part of the last decade.

I've wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I have been taking care of other peoples' children since I was 16. Whether through nannying, working as after-school programs, or teaching. I have longed and ached for a baby. I would be such a damn good mother. I just can't understand right now why I don't get to have that.

In all reality, I am a mother. That's the hardest part, but people don't consider me a mother. And sometimes it's hard to remember that I am one, because my arms are so empty and my heart is so achy.

I get caught up in "the timeline" and that is partly my fault. But a big part of it is social media, people's constant need to be in competition, and the "Mormon mold." I don't know why people think that if they marry young or have kids young, then they are better than others. But I feel that constantly. I am no less of a good person because I am in my mid-twenties and don't have a living child. If anything, my experiences have made me a stronger and more experienced. Who cares if I don't have all my kids by 30. Why is that so important? The things I find important are love and happiness and the Gospel. The fact that someone got started younger makes them no better than me. It doesn't make them worse either. It just shouldn't matter!

I keep trying to end this post on a positive note, but today I am incredibly sad and I can't think of one. The holidays have been a lot harder than I thought they would be without her. I am just stuck in this constant state of waiting. I can't even get blood test results back from my doctor, who said they would take 2 days, on time! Instead I have to annoyingly calling for a whole week and still be left with nothing. I need a break. Maybe my family can offer me that. But I need to go. The bell has rung and other peoples' children are on their way to me. I can;t take care of my own, but I guess I can take care of theirs'.

bragfest

Today my favorite person turned 26.
For that reason, I get to brag.

Nathan and I have been through quite a bit together. There was that whole two-year mission thing. We lost our first child. It hasn't always been easy. During this whole time, I have thought a lot about how bad it sucks that we didn't get to keep our baby when so many others did, but I try to remember that we each have different trials. I have been working hard at counting my blessings, so I don't feel cocky when I say that my marriage is not an area of struggle. So while we might have to pass through rough times, we are so blessed to have what we do.

In all the books I read about stillbirth, they all warned about how it would affect my marriage. Not one book said it could strengthen a marriage. They all warned me that my husband would grieve differently, that he wouldn't understand my grief process, that he would get mad at me for how long it was taking, and that it would definitely drive a wedge between us. Some warned our marriage would never be the same. I read several studies that found that couples who experiences a stillbirth were at least 40% more likely to divorce. I was worried. I don't know why I was though, because I married Nathan freaking Merkley. And there is no one more loving, kind, patient, and selfless than Nathan Merkley.

Nathan never pressured me to move past things. Even though his heart was shattered, his grieving was very different and much faster than mine. He's the eternal optimist and I know this helped a lot. But he was never frustrated or annoyed. He rode the roller-coaster that was my emotions and never once complained. He's the biggest reason I have survived. So in a way, the books were right. Our marriage will never be the same. We are ten thousand times stronger. I love him more than I ever thought possible. I have no idea why we have to wait to have children, but we are being immensely blessed during this waiting time. I am being blessed the most though. Nathan is, and always will be, the best decision I ever made. Those 2 years of waiting without him seem so little compared to the fact that I get to have him forever.

So to end my brag-fest. Here's 26 reasons I love Nathan freaking Merkley.
1. He scratches my back every single night until I fall asleep.
2. He lets me eat ice cream for dinner whenever I want.
3. He has watched a lot of One Direction music videos with me. And he always tries really hard to act interested.
4. I love to talk. He will sit and listen to me ramble on about my day or tell the same story for the 90th time and always listen and respond.
5. If I want to do something and he doesn't, there's never even a discussion. We always do it.
6. He genuinely cared about the people and things I care about.
7. He's a natural with kids. And they love him.
8. He's so dang smart! He's know so much about all this boring stuff like business and the "economy" and the stock market and statistics.
9. He makes beautiful music. A lot of it's about me. I don't mind.
10. He loves Lady so much. He's as much of a crazy cat lady as I am.
11. HE. MAKES. ME. LAUGH. All day, every day. We never stop laughing and joking with each other. If people saw how weird we are at home, people would be worried about us. I'm worried about us.
12. He takes care of me. He has been so sick the past week and on Sunday I got a migraine. Even though we was exhausted, achy, running a fever, and generally feeling like crap, he gave me a massage, played with my hair, got me water and snacks, and kept reheating my hot pad in the microwave. He's always like that. It doesn't matter what's going on with him, other people come first.
13. He works his butt off! His full-time job is insanely demanding and he also goes to school full-time.
14. I happen to think he is the most attractive man in the world.
15. He makes yummy food.
16. He laughs at all my jokes. Even the not funny jokes. Just kidding. All my jokes are funny.
17. He always tells me I look pretty. Like, every day.
18. He talks in a lisp because he knows it makes me laugh.
19. He loves his family.
20. He loves my family.
21. He is so patient and understanding, which means we hardly fight. It's the best.
22. We could lay in bed and talk for hours. It usually means we lose a lot of sleep. But I don't mind.
23. He laughs when I toot.
24. He is always so proud of me and supports me in all I do.
25. He is the most strong and faithful man I know.
26. He's easy on the eyes.

Love you Natey. Happy birthday, my love.

Lady-gram

Yep. Another one.
I'm on a blogging role this weekend!!
I should be all caught up after this post.

As I'm sure many of you know, we take a billion pictures of our cat.
We can't help if she's the best thing in the whole world!
We also can't help that fact that we don't have kids yet and she is currently our child.
Here's what Lady has been up to.

She played a game with a feather

 It ended very dramatically.

She continues to be the queen of relaxation.

 Sometimes she sleeps with all her limbs in one place.

Sometimes she holds her favorite toy as she thinks about life.

And since she always wants to be touching one of us, sometime she reaches out her arm so she can just rest it on Nathan's back.

She makes funny faces.

She stares dramatically out windows. She also stares out them like she is a prairie dog.

We got a new wreath that she stared at for 20 minutes. And then she stood up to kiss my hand.

She continues to think the most comfortable place to hang out is my shoulders.

She begs for food and tries to escape the apartment.

She's my alarm clock. And begins to yell at me if I don't get up fast enough.

She got super depressed when I made her take pictures with me.

She thought the Christmas tree skirt was specially purchased for her to ruin.

 And she wasn't happy when we started putting Christmas presents on it.

She discovered she enjoys packaging materials. They are apparently more fun than cat toys.

Although, she is in love with her new kitty tower, condo thing.

But she uses it to try and break out.

 

She loves to throw her toys up into the tree, then destroy the tree trying to get them back out.

 

But she's just so dang cute! Look at the second picture. She is SMILING at me.

tis the season

Am I blowing your mind with all these blog posts?
I have a lot of catching up to do.

To save time.. here's a bunch of Christmassey things we have been doing!!

We played in the snow!

We admired the snow from our balcony.

My work secret-Santa got me the best present! Because I'm obnoxious, I told everyone I wanted diamonds, money, and attention for Christmas. So my secret Santa got me a giant fake diamond, chocolate coins, and made everyone stare at me while I opened my presents. I was dying! I also got a fuzzy blanket and candy. I love where I work.

 I put the lights up in my room and put Santas all around that are saying various, non-creepy thing.

We made cake balls!

We've been on lots of Christmas-lights drives

 

Lady joined us on one! She was mesmerized.  

 

We decorated sugar cookies!

 

We walked around downtown, soaking in the Christmassey-ness

 I wore my XXL onesie

 

We made a gingerbread house!

We spent a whole Saturday finishing our Christmas shopping. While we were at City Creek, it started softly snowing. It was like a movie.

 

If you didn't know, we love Christmas.

happy birfday nafin

My cute husband turns 26 on Tuesday.

We celebrated his birthday on Saturday, since Tuesday we both work all day and then Nathan has a math final.

Birthdays are so fun when you grow up!

He was also really sick, so it was a very laid-back day. But we kinda like those days.

I decorated the apartment a wee bit.

He got breakfast (which was really just a smoothie for his sore throat) and presents in bed. He looks so happy to be awake.

One of his presents was the extended edition of The Hobbit. He was very excited.

We spent the day watching the first Hobbit movie, getting lunch, and hanging out with Lady.

Jessi and Marshall joined us for dinner and dessert.

There are not 26 candles on the cake. I realize this. Nathan is just too old and I didn't want to buy two packs of candles.

Then we headed to see The Desolation of Samug! 

Happy Birthday my sweet Nathan!

I love you more and more every day.

More than I ever thought possible.

Can't wait for an eternity of birthdays with you.