The Merkleys

This honesty kick is getting out of hand.
Here's another honest., thought-vomit post.

This post won't be inspirational or uplifting. Sorry, it's not one of those days. And since we're being honest here, I am pretty sick of being the person people look to for inspiration and strength. It's draining. I'm tired.

Isn't it crazy how a simple picture can ruin your whole day? That happened yesterday. The person who posted it didn't intend to ruin my day, but that doesn't really change anything. I cried for hours last night thinking about what I lost. Some days, it still consumes me.

We are leaving for England in 2 days. Right now, I should be stressed about flying with a 7 month old. Right now, I should be packing her cute, warm London outfits. But I'm not. I'm just sad.

I have been throwing myself quite the pity party lately. I feel like my last 8 years have just been full of so much heart ache. I suffered for 2 years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship that took therapy and a whole lot of time to heal from. I still suffer scars and painful flashbacks. I found the love of my life, and then said goodbye to him for 2 years. I cannot begin to explain the pain I went through during those 24 months. When Nathan and I got pregnant so quickly with Maddie, I thought we were being blessed for all the sacrifices we had made. I feel like I've done nothing but cry for the better part of the last decade.

I've wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I have been taking care of other peoples' children since I was 16. Whether through nannying, working as after-school programs, or teaching. I have longed and ached for a baby. I would be such a damn good mother. I just can't understand right now why I don't get to have that.

In all reality, I am a mother. That's the hardest part, but people don't consider me a mother. And sometimes it's hard to remember that I am one, because my arms are so empty and my heart is so achy.

I get caught up in "the timeline" and that is partly my fault. But a big part of it is social media, people's constant need to be in competition, and the "Mormon mold." I don't know why people think that if they marry young or have kids young, then they are better than others. But I feel that constantly. I am no less of a good person because I am in my mid-twenties and don't have a living child. If anything, my experiences have made me a stronger and more experienced. Who cares if I don't have all my kids by 30. Why is that so important? The things I find important are love and happiness and the Gospel. The fact that someone got started younger makes them no better than me. It doesn't make them worse either. It just shouldn't matter!

I keep trying to end this post on a positive note, but today I am incredibly sad and I can't think of one. The holidays have been a lot harder than I thought they would be without her. I am just stuck in this constant state of waiting. I can't even get blood test results back from my doctor, who said they would take 2 days, on time! Instead I have to annoyingly calling for a whole week and still be left with nothing. I need a break. Maybe my family can offer me that. But I need to go. The bell has rung and other peoples' children are on their way to me. I can;t take care of my own, but I guess I can take care of theirs'.