a CPSE reunion

I graduated 3 and a half years ago from BYU in CPSE.

AKA Counseling Psychology and Special Education.

I LOVED my program. LOVED, LOVED, LOVED, LOVED!!!!

It's a fairy small program and is split into 2 parts: mild/moderate and severe.

In the year I entered the program, there were less than 20 in each section. We had some classes together, but mostly my classes were just with my mild/moderate cohort. So we spent every day together for 2 years. We became a family. It was awesome.

They were there for me as Nathan got his mission call and then left. We all went through a lot together. Not just the craziness of the program, but the ups and downs of life. There was a group of about 9 of us that grew especially close. Most of us were in the same summer practicum site. And if you know anything about what we went through during summer practicum (aka glitter eyes) then you know we had no choice but to band together as sisters. That summer was RROOUUGGGHHH!

We have all reunited every few months since graduation. But slowly, people have moved out of Utah.

THANKS A LOT, GUYS.

Currently, there's only 5 of us left in Utah. And one couldn't make it this past week, but the rest of us reunited for some lunch in the park. It was so much fun! It's always like no time has passed. We spent hours just talking and catching up and reminiscing. And laughing. We laughed a lot. Especially when we tried to get a group picture before we left. 

Lucy said she was the best at selfies so she took my away from me phone to take some, but she didn't know that if you hold down the camera button, it keeps taking pictures continuously. So I ended up with over 100 pictures on my phone. Haha. I kept the best ones and I love them. Especially the ones where Lucy is yelling at us. Just like old times ;)

We finally has to use Jordan's phone since it had a bigger screen and we couldn't seem to all fit into the picture otherwise. It was such a lovely day. I miss all my CPSE ladies, but it was so fun to spend the day with these 3.

Baby2's first letter

Dear little baby growing inside me,

I have tried not to be one of those people who only ever talks or posts about their pregnancy. But being high risk and basically living at the hospital and, let's be honest, being unemployed, has left very little else on my mind. You're all I think about, baby. All day, every day.

It's such a change from the last year. My mind was constantly preoccupied with the idea of conceiving you. All the while my heart craved and broke for your older sister. Now, while I still miss your sister greatly, I mostly ache for you to be here. I try to enjoy these last few silent moments alone. The days I can do whatever I want. The nights full of rest. But it feels like I've been pregnant for 2 years. I've been a childless mother for much too long. There isn't a single part of me that isn't ready to have a baby. There's not a single fear about raising you and taking care of you. There's a host of other fears, but those will be laid to rest the moment you're in my arms. Don't you see how badly I need it to be October?

Pregnancy, not motherhood, is the only thing that brings any fear. I wonder what it would be like to have a normal, stress-free pregnancy? I am a member of 2 pregnancy Facebook groups. One is for all mothers giving birth in October 2014. One is for any woman who is pregnant after having lost a baby. It's amazing to see the differences in their posts and their attitudes. My loss group is fearful, but also grateful for every moment. They encourage each other and help each other. The October baby group whines about every ache and pain in pregnancy. They judge each other. They laugh at the women who posts her fears of her baby not moving all day and reply with my favorite response, "It's totally normal. He's just running out of room. Calm down!" 

I almost envy the naivety of these women. What would it feel like to not constantly be counting your kicks and monitoring your movement? What would it feel like to go through a whole pregnancy without a doctor staring a little too long and too intensely at the ultrasound screen? What would it feel like to just assume I would get to keep you at the end? Like it was normal to not lose babies? Sadly, since I've only ever given birth once, my norm is the exact oppostie. Although I've been filled with hope and peace this pregnancy, it doesn't take away my track record. 

Births: 1. Living children: 0

We have unanswered questions about you and your precious, developing body. I hope those questions get answered soon. I've come to peace with every answer I can possibly receive, as long as I get to keep you. Even the worst possible diagnosis for your condition can't be THAT bad, because we've already been given the absolutely worst diagnosis in our previous pregnancy: no heart beat. As long as we don't get that again, we'll be fine. That's been our motto this past week as we wait for answers: "As long as she's alive, we're okay." And you're definitely alive. Kicking me like crazy. I just love you so much. 

I'm not sure why I chose now to write you a letter for the first time. I did these "no send letters" all the time when your daddy was on his mission, and again when Maddie went to Heaven. They've always helped me sort out my thoughts, and type the things that are hard to say out loud. This has been a hard pregnancy, for a million reasons. Even though I have really easy pregnancies physically, I've decided being pregnant is overrated. I just want you here. I've prayed for you since I was a little girl. I waited for you patiently through 9 months of trying. I'm ready to hold you and love you. I'm ready to finally be considered a "real mom." I'm ready for the worry and pain of the last year and a half to melt away when I see your face and hear you breathe. So keep on kicking me baby. You have no idea how much I need you. 

Love always,

Your Mama

Oh baby, baby

I just updated about the second trimester, but I feel like the pregnancy has progressed so much in the past couple weeks that I already need to update again. That, or I'm just bored. Either way, you're getting another pregnancy bullet list.

Photo cred to Jenna Duty. She's just a master.

+ Insomnia. Come on! I read about this in one of my many pregnancy books last pregnancy, but it was NOT and issue. This time it's different. At least I can sleep in this time around. But it sucks. Nathan passes out around 11 and I lay awake for hours. Or I fall asleep then get up to pee and can't fall back asleep. It's not even that my brain is going crazy or I'm anxious or anything. I'm just WIDE AWAKE. Then tired all day.

+ She moves, moves, moves all day! Makes me wonder when she sleeps, haha. Now she's so big that my entire stomach moves all around and I'm often lopsided, and I love it. I swear she has tripled in size the last couple weeks.

+ Got some of my first, real Braxton hicks. I never had any with Madelyn. I heard you don't often feel them in your first pregnancy. I totally freaked myself out about them and was convinced I was continuing to have them after they stopped and I made Nathan lay by me and feel my stomach every minute to see if it was tightening and texted with my sister to calm me down. Hey. I have a right to be paranoid! Pre term labor is the last thing I need. No worries though. I think I had 2 or 3 real ones and everything else was her moving and me convincing myself my uterus was contracting. 

+ I am so freaking emotional. I think I said that in previous posts, but it's just gotten worse. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I think something sad might happen. I cry at commercials. I cry at songs. I cry when my cat is home alone too long. I cry when I'm tired. I cry when I'm too hungry. I cry if someone asks me to do something. It's gotta stop. Last pregnancy I was really easily irritated. I guess this is better! 

+ Last pregnancy I had the worst hip pain from about 18 weeks on. It sucked. This pregnancy it's been so much better and I think I know the reason: squats. I do 130 squats (don't ask why I am set on that number) about 5-6 times a week as part of my work out. I have had hardly any hip pain. When I went to California I didn't work out once. Guess what came back? My hips burned like the fire of a thousand suns and no amount of stretching helped. When I came home I got back into my work outs and the pain is gone again. Squats save lives.

+ We got to have an ultrasound the other day! I will have them once a month until I deliver. Here are some awesome things we learned at the ultrasound.
- She is still definitely a girl. Check out that va-jay-jay!

- She is just as sassy as I thought. Kicking the technician over and over again.

      - She is super comfortable in there. This pregnancy I've noticed many, many times that I will feel a kick/punch at the same time on either side of my stomach. Or I'll feel her at my bladder and up at my ribs at the same time. Well the technician showed us that she was literally stretched across my stomach. Her head was at the right side of my rib cage, and her legs were stretched out with her feet near my left hip. Her hands were even behind her head. She was literally kicking back. It makes sense that I feel her in two places at once; she isn't balled up like most babies. The technician also laughed because she was laying on the placenta like it was her mattress. She is really enjoying life in there right now. She may never come out.

- The technician says it looks like she has a full head of hair! She said she would most likely come out with some luscious locks.

- She also said she has super chubby cheeks already. I love it! It's crazy to look at the 3d pictures from just 9 weeks ago and see how much she has already filled out. She's gonna be a chubster!! Yay!!

- She is measuring about 5-6 days ahead, which I don't mind at all. Come early little one! Just not too early.

+ At the end of the ultrasound we found out that one of the ventricles on her brain has a little more fluid than it probably should. This could mean a number of different things. It could also mean nothing at all and could just be normal variation. We are having some tests done and the doctor will monitor the fluid, but she seemed very positive that it was normal and we are feeling positive about any outcome we receive. Although, I had a major meltdown at first as I had some triggers and flashbacks to losing Madelyn. I cried a lot at first (shocker), but now feel very peaceful.

+ She definitely doesn't have a name anymore. We were pretty set on one name, and now we are back at square one. I'm very indecisive, haha. We have 3ish names we like. I think we might just wait until we meet her and choose then.

+ Pregnancy has made me sassy. I've always been a people pleaser. I'll just be honest- having people like me in important, so I usually approach situations in that manner. It's been different recently. I don't have time for annoying, rude, snarky, or passive aggressive people and comments. I tell it like it is. It's kind of liberating. 

+ Still hungry all the time. I've already gained more weight than I wanted to this pregnancy. Trying verrrry hard not to let it bother me.. Haha. 

+ She gets the hiccups at least once a day, but it's usually multiple times a day. It's pretty cute.

+ Being pregnant in the summer is wayyyy harder than being pregnant in the winter. I am so hot, all the freaking time!!!! I never want to go outside because I instantly start sweating. And finding cute maternity shorts that are long enough for garments has been nearly impossible.

+ She still has the cutest dang profile. Perfect lips and a little nose. I love it!

I am about 10ish weeks (maybe less!) away from meeting this little girl and I am so freaking excited. The biggest thing standing in our way right now is not knowing where we are going to live in a few months, haha. But even that isn't bothering me. Except that I really want to fold her cute little clothes and put them in her dresser. Hopefully soon!

Can't wait to meet you little lady!!

things that bother me

• The ending to How I Met Your Mother. Still. I can't get over it. I tired to watch a re-run and all I could think was that everything in the show and everything it made me feel was a lie. They lost a very loyal fan that night. Clearly, I don't let go of things.
• Being pregnant in summer. Don't get me wrong. I am so stoked to be pregnant, but dang it was much easier last time I did it during the winter. It doesn't help that this summer has been
• stupidly hot and our new apartment gets hot if the air is off for 14 seconds. The worst thing is that while I am not a particularly sweaty person, I sweat the most on my face. Seriously. All over my face. So I will get ready for the day only to have my hair and makeup ruined my sweat.
• The fact that ice cream and brownies are "bad for you."
• When I can't fall asleep so I check Facebook at 2am and no one is posting anything cool. Come on guys.
• What The Office did to Andy. (Apparently I hold TV grudges?) Nathan and I were watching some random episodes the other day and I remembered how Andy was once my favorite character. He was the freaking best. Then he started getting weird and jerky and then he went off on that boat and everything was shot to hell. I realize he was filming a movie and couldn't be there for the whole season so the had to work around him, but did they seriously have to change his entire character and turn him into a jerk and ruin the 3 seasons of build up they did with him and Erin? That's really my only complaint thought about the end of The Office. So I should be thankful they didn't pull a HIMYM on me.
• 97% of drivers.
• 100% of birds.
• The fact that the Harry Potter cast doesn't hang out together all the time.
• People on Facebook groups. I am in an "October 2014 babies" group on FB thinking it would be fun to talk with women at the same stage of pregnancy. It is now used purely for entertainment or annoyance. The biggest thing that drives me crazy is that women will post things like, "Today at the ultrasound my doctor said the baby was _______" or "My doctor told me that I have__________." And then they always ask, "What does that mean?!" Why are these women not asking the doctor as the doctor tells them these things?! If my doctor tells me something I don't understand, the first word out of my mouth is, "Huh?" Pretty sure a group of strangers on the internet is not the place to have your medical questions answered.
• I keep running out of string cheese.
• My cat wakes me up at 6am by dropping sitting oh my chest, dropping her favorite toy on me, and staring at me. She's really lucky she's cute.
• Speaking of cats, I hate when people think that in order to be a dog person, you have to hate cats. I love dogs. I cannot wait to get a dog! But I also love cats. I love all animals!!! Except birds, as previously stated.
• The fact that One Direction doesn't have a new album come out every 6 months.
• When people post selfies of just themselves every single day. Let's calm down friends.
• Flossing.
• When movies don't have blooper reels. 
• My family all being so far away from me.
• The contacts that Legolas wears in The Hobbit. That's a super weird and nerdy thing to be bothered by. I blame my husband.
• The fact that I haven't worked out yet today.
•  People who have youtube channels where they just have videos of themselves talking to the camera about nothing.
• This post has nothing to do with anything. It's much like the way I used to blog. I hope you enjoy it. Or I hope that it bothered you and then you, in turn, blog about it bothering you.

#ffargfamilyfartfest2014

Our summer vacation this year revolved around my family. Thanks to my European parents, our time with them is limited, so we flew to California for a small, weekend family reunion, and then we stayed a few days longer to relax and enjoy paradise.

I posted several posts so you don't get overwhelmed, and I posted them in reverse order. Because it bugs me when I have to read about people's trip starting on the last day. I'm just a high-maintenance blogger like that.

As always, lots of details. Lots of pictures :)

Nathan and I got there Thursday night and my little sister and her husband greeted us at the airport. We met my parents and brother at the rental house. It was so nice to be home and to be with my family! I know I saw them a couple months ago, but it's hard when they live so far away. It makes me miss them a lot more.

Friday morning, Kelsey and Blake brought the babies over and the family reunion officially started! The boys went out and ran errands, and the girls did hair and got Yogurtland. Of course!

I don't really know what the boys did, but I found this awesome picture on Nathan's phone

That night was Cafe Rio and swimming. It felt just like home :)

PLEASE, notice that my brother and my husband are not wearing white t-shirts. THEY ARE JUST THAT WHITE!

There's something about summer nights in Orange County. I know I always say that it's paradise, but it really is. The air feels and smells different. It's never too hot. It's just the best. It felt like my summers growing up. It was a perfect night!

#balloonbaby

SATURDAY WAS MY BABY SHOWER!!!!!!!!

I have to type that in all caps, because it was so much fun!! My amazing sisters threw it for me. Kelsey is the freaking queen of all things cute and Pinteresty. The shower was perfect. We had a waffle bar and games and PRESENTS! Yay baby presents! There was also a creepy baby balloon and it was awesome.

They made a special table just for Maddie :) So sweet!

See those little cupcake like things. Those are buntinis!! From Nothing Bunt Cake. AND THEY TASTE LIKE LITTLE PIECES OF HEAVEN.

I was so glad I got to have one in California. There are so many people here I love and miss! I got to celebrate with them all! So many people were able to come! High school friends, childhood friends, and the lovely women from the ward I grew up in who helped raise me. I wish I had gotten pictures with each person. I was overwhelmed with love! Even those who couldn't come sent gifts and cards. I am a lucky lady to have the support and love that I do.

There are my two oldest friends! Valerie, on the far left, was my first friend when we moved to Mission Viejo when I was 8. Tahnee joined us soon after. Tahnee and I were literally inseparable all throughout Elementary school and middle school. It was so much fun to catch up with them!!!

Handsome waffle makers.

My Mormon ladies :)

Some of my favorite women!

The brave people ate outside. It was quite sunny and hot. Maybe we were all sweating.

I was spoiled rotten with adorable clothing and gift cards and tons of baby essentials that we were in great need of. A bunch of people chipped in to get me an amazing glider and ottoman for the baby room!! I am so excited for it to be shipped to me! :)

We played a fun celebrity baby name game that Jessica set up and I totally won. Embarrassing, or awesome? People hung around and talked and then headed out. A few more high school friends showed up and we all ended up sitting and talking for a couple more hours. It was so great to see them all! It was like no time had passed.

After everyone left, we had a photoshoot. Because that's what we do!

I love this. Nathan is always making fun of the people who put hearts on their stomachs, haha.

I can't say enough about how lovely this morning was. I was anxious. I lost Madelyn 3 days before my baby shower. I felt like I would never get here and get to celebrate my little girl. It was the most wonderful day. Thank you Kelsey and Jessica for throwing me a party fir for a princess! And thank you to everyone who came!