It was rough for a while, (Read parts 1 and parts 2) but about halfway through my second trimester, I noticed how happy and genuinely excited I had become. This little girl moves a ton, but somehow, her movements feel different than Madelyn's did. I don't know if that's normal, if I'm making it up in my head, or if it's just another tender mercy to add to the long list I have see this pregnancy. Whatever the reason, I am grateful.
Nathan and I both really wanted another girl, but I thought often about how it might be easier to have a boy. That way, I could really separate the two pregnancies in my mind and better wrap my brain around the fact that we were having a second baby, not the same baby twice. While I am so thankful it's a girl, I can tell you that it has been hard to separate the two until recently.
Madelyn established her personality in the womb very early. (Something we were so thankful for since our time with her was so small). This little girl has done exactly the same thing. Another tender mercy! The word that always comes to my head when I think about this little girl is "sassy." I really think she's going to be a firecracker. With Madelyn, I always get a calming and angelic sense. Which makes sense since she's an angel now. I think little girl #2 is going to come into the world with a bang and have quite a helping of that Graff-girl sass. I love it so much already.
Nathan and I always laugh because she seems to hate when things push on her. If I lay in my left side, she kicks my left side over and over. If my seat belt is on, she kicks the seat belt over and over. If my bladder is too full, same thing. Nathan and I can push our hands on my belly and know that she will kick them immediately. I'm telling you, she's got some attitude. She is already making us laugh so much.
Madelyn was an active little girl. Baby #2 is twice that. I swear she does cartwheels and back flips. And each movement seems so her. Nathan gave me a blessing as soon as we found out we were pregnant. He blessed me that I would have a special bond with this baby while I was pregnant. I felt frustrated in the beginning because I felt no connection at all. But now I know what that blessing meant. I feel like I know her already. I feel like she knows me. She's my best friend already.
As the third trimester begins, it brings an array of new fears. This is when I lost Madelyn. This is when everything is supposed to be safe, but it's not. Not for us. It's never safe. Right now I am pretty calm, but I do worry how I might be as that dreaded 34 weeks draws near. Or, heaven forbid, she not move for a little while.
Yet, I feel incredibly hopeful. Something I didn't think I had in me anymore. I've had really interesting thoughts and revelations lately. Whenever I picture a future with this little one in it, it all seems very clear. In fact, I can picture exactly what I think she will look like; especially as a little girl. I could never do that with Madelyn. I had a hard time picturing life with a baby and never got any kind of picture of what she might look like. I never thought anything of it at the time, but now I can see how I was being prepared. Madelyn wasn't supposed to physically be a part of my life on earth. And even though it still burns, it's okay.
I've come a long way these last couple months. I am so thankful to have so much love in my heart for this little girl. It's funny, lately I've been feeling some guilt because now I'm so excited for this baby and healing so much from Madelyn. I just can't win! Guilt for not loving this baby, guilt for loving it too much. Oh my stupid brain :)
I am going to get to keep this baby. My heart starts pounding just as I think those words because it terrifies me to say that. But I can't live my life being scared. I really believe this a blessing I will get to keep on earth with me. I cannot wait to meet her.
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