"You just look so happy."

I have heard this several times over the past couple months in varying forms. 

People keep bringing up how happy I look.

I know that the past year and a half have been rough, but apparently my face had been showing it. Who knew!

But no matter, apparently now my face is showing how much happier I am than I was a year ago.

I'm okay with that.

I am happy. Really, really, really happy.

I can't help but show it because this life I have no is the one I was desperately praying for last Christmas. 

We had been trying for a baby ever since Maddie died and even the fertility drugs weren't working. We felt hopeless. 

I got my period the day after Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS KAITLIN. YOUR UTERUS IS ONCE AGAIN, EMPTY. SORRY YOUR OVARIES ARE SO LAME.

I was in England with my family and having such a great time, but I couldn't help but feel heavy. I thought I would always have to carry this new darkness around. I hated it.

This Christmas is a complete 180 and I find myself crying multiple times a day just from the sheer joy I feel and thoughts of how low I felt last year.

I'm not kidding guys. I have been happy crying multiple times a day. I'm a basket case.

I won't say everything is perfect because it totally isn't.

I am not gonna be one of those women who pretends that being a mom isn't difficult. It's by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I only have one kid!

Being a stay at home mom is hard. Really, really hard. I miss working. A lot. Sometimes I think back to my days of making money and getting out everyday and interacting with adults and laughing with my students and feeling like I was really making a difference and I miss it. I do.

I am lucky these days if I make it outside at all. There have been several days (sometimes in a row..) where I don't even see the sun besides through my window. My face is usually makeup-less and my hair is usually unbrushed. I wear big, baggy sweatshirts and yoga pants and I haven't exercised since my 8th month of pregnancy. Our house still isn't unpacked and I am always tired. I eat like crap and even though I am home all day, dinner is usually never made and the house never seems to be quite clean.

But I have learned that the madness and the missing work is normal and no reason to feel guilty. I have also learned that despite the madness and missing work, I am SO HAPPY. This is what I prayed for. Much longer than a year an a half. I prayed for this since I was a young girl.

I have felt since I was very little that I was going to be a mom. I have worked with children my entire life. I was always the "ring leader" of my younger cousins and I have a natural ability with kids. I was born to raise babies, which has made the fact that I have to wait even harder. But finally having it has been that much more amazing. This is what I prayed for. I remind myself of that every time she wakes me up 3am. Or when I am stuck inside the house with nothing to do for the 4th day in a row. This is what I prayed for. And even when it's hard, it is so, so, so, so happy.

My little family. Lady's face kills me.