Ten years

Nostalgic Kaitlin is coming out. It's been a while.

This post is mostly for me to get thoughts out and to help me remember these things in the future. I am already forgetting most of high school. (What the heck did I even do junior year? Did I got to school?) So proceed with caution. I am so emotional about memories lately.

So here we go. This is going to be really long. Like.. ten years long.

I moved to Utah ten years ago. TEN YEARS!!!! That's insane. It's been ten years since I packed up my bright orange room and got on a plane with my best friend Jenna. Ten years since we cried out first night in our dorm room because we missed our moms, were scared, and our carpet didn't match our curtains. At that point I just wanted to leave Utah forever.

Ten years later... I love Utah so much. THERE! I SAID IT! I love, love, love it here. 18-year-old Kaitlin would be doing a spit-take right now if she heard those words. I love it here. I love where we live. I love our ward. I love the mountains. I love the seasons. I love that it's the perfect mix of city and suburb and farm land. I love the Great Salt Lake and Utah Lake. I love being so close to my alma mater. I love that I am minutes away from some of the biggest church historical sites. I love how big the church is here. I love how safe I feel. I love downtown. I love how many fun things for kids there are. I love that we both have a lot of extended family here. I love the people here. You guys.. I even love the snow! Sure there are negatives in Utah. I hate that none of Nathan's or my immediate families live here. Most of my Utah friends have moved away. I don't love all the construction. And while my heart has grown love for the snow, I don't love when winter lasts forever or the roads are icy. But the love far outweighs the hate at this point. We have started our family here and it's become home. I think Utah gets a bad rap. It's a great place to live!

Nathan started his last semester of school in September. Our plan is for Nathan to stay at his current job for at least another year or two and build his music career on the side. But we have also discussed the possibility of the music thing taking off, or him finding a music job out of state and us moving. I have gotten so sad thinking about that! I had a small panic the other day thinking it could be our last Fall here (our favorite season), so I freaked out and booked a photographer to take family pictures of us in the leaves. I am so sad thinking there's even a small chance this is our last fall here. I have been thinking back on my ten years in Utah a lot lately. There's been so many different phases. So many different lives here. So for my joy and future memory's sake, I am reflecting back on all those lives I've lived here in the beehive state.

Freshman year was a hard year, but also a really fun year, but also really sucky, but also one of the years I grew the most. Confusing right? My high school boyfriend moved out to Utah as well, but lived an hour away. Jenna and I got really involved in the school and made lots of friends. We spent a lot of nights in the common room of our dorm and had a lot of fun. We went to dances and baseball games. We went to the ward activities and slept through classes and made late night trips to Wendy's. As the months drug on, my boyfriend got more and more controlling and the relationship turned more and more poisonous. I started pushing people away and isolating myself. I was too afraid of my boyfriend, and too afraid of what people would think of me. I went home for Christmas that year a much sadder girl than the one who moved out to Utah and had so much fun the first month.

A couple weeks after Christmas, and back in Utah in the freezing cold (this California girl was dying during her first winter), I broke up with my boyfriend. It was 100% the right thing, but it was friggin hard and heart shattering. Even looking back now, I know I loved him. It was a young love, and our love became tainted by emotional abuse and control, but I really did love him. And leaving someone you love is really, really hard. The breakup was drawn out and dramatic. There was a day we exchanged stuff and I sobbed in his arms like the kids do on lame tv shows. There were angry fights over the phone. There were nights I cried myself to sleep. I was so thankful for an awesome roommate and the way she picked me up when I needed it. We both got back into things socially and though I was sad, I really started to have fun again. I got a job at Haagen Dazs and that introduced us to some awesome girls. One of which is still one of my greatest friends! (Shout out to you Breeee!) That job also introduced me to my husband. It's still so crazy to me that I met my husband when I was 18. Nathan was so sweet and so good to me. We kissed a few times, I broke his heart, and I moved home for the summer with him as my best friend.

Came back to Utah and moved to Provo! These will forever be known as "the salad days." It was always an inside joke with Jenna and I, but it turns out it's an actual expression. "'Salad days' is a Shakespearean idiomatic expression to refer to a youthful time, accompanied by the inexperience, enthusiasm, idealism, innocence, or indiscretion that one associates with a young person." Sooo it's pretty much perfect.

I moved in with random roommates and was terrified but it turned out to the be the best thing for me. Because Lauren Clayden (sorry I mean Romeril) is still one of my best friends! Our other roommate, Mel, was the funniest Brit you ever met, even though she left us to go back to England. The 3 of us grew very close and had a lot of fun together, and with the friends in our ward. Halloween, stalker nights, walmart runs, krispy kreme runs, britney spears music videos, double dates, Canadian Thanksgiving, and long mountain drives. These ladies are amazing.

Jenna and I had easy school schedules. We commuted together to LDSBC from Provo. One semester we didn't work, and only went to school twice a week. Talk about lazy, haha. I got a nanny job second semester for the cutest twin boys in the world. Jenna lived right up the street from me, and she and I still spent tons of time together and made a great group of friends. We spent many nights at Sam and Craig's watching the hills or singing with Nick. Or watching The Office at Brad and the two Jordan's apartment. Or later in the year when we formed our true "college family" and spent every waking second with the "FC." Jenna, Theresa, Sara, J-dub, Slim, Jason, Spencer, and I (and a few other randoms sprinkled in sometimes) did everything together. 80's dancing, american idol parties, super bowl parties, pizza bagel sundays, birthday parties, fancy dinners at Chili's, taco bell at 1am, arcades, FHE, the dollar theatre, playing "academy awards," the trampoline place, roller skating.. we had so much fun together. Some of my favorite memories involve those people.

I dated around a bit. I went on multiple dates with 3 people: Jordan, Nate, and David. (Although I hardly count Jordan because all our "dates" were him inviting me over to watch tv and eat at his place and the main reason I liked him was because he treated me bad and I was dumb.) All the while I talked with Nathan on the phone every single day. He was my best friend and I pushed feelings for him away because he wasn't active in the church. Well I finally gave in at the end of that school year. We kissed, and I was done. Done running away and dating other guys. We hung out in his sweet house he had with his brother, went on lots of drives, and snuck into Haagen Dazs late at night. He met my friends, I met his, and I went home to meet his family right before the school year ended.

That summer was one of the funnest of my life. I stayed in Utah (haven't left since), moved in with Jenna and 2 other friends, and had so much fun falling in love with Nathan. We had little responsibility, and lots of free time. We watched Hot Rod 11,000 times, went on lots of adventures, visited his family for the 4th of July, visited mine at the end of the summer, hung out with each other's friends, and I somehow took a couple classes and kept nannying.

My junior year of college started with a new nanny job with a sweet little girl, a new apartment with my friend Theresa, and my last semester at LDSBC. I spent pretty much all my time outside of work and school with Nathan. We were inseparable and had so much fun. I still tried to hang out with friends, but let's be honest, boyfriends usually trump friends. Whoops. I was Gospel Doctrine teacher in my ward and I was terrified. I started at BYU in the winter and applied and got into the Special Ed program. (I did the entire application, tests, and 20 hours of volunteer work in classrooms in 2 weeks. Yikes.) Nathan got a new job at Salt Lake Legal (where he still is!) and I felt like we both really grew up a lot this year. Nathan made the decision to serve a mission, went back to the temple, and quit his band to focus on those things. It was scary and exciting to go on that journey with him. We celebrated 1 year together. I got into my first car accident. (Thanks snow!) We spent a lot of time with Austin and Ewa, my future brother and sister in law! We also started making our infamous music videos. My little sister came to visit and I tried to show her all the Utah goods so she would want to come out and live there with me! That summer I moved into the coolest town home with Bree. We had crazy roommates, but we liked each other and that's all that matters. Nathan's brother Shawn moved in with him and they moved to a place where cockroaches multiplied every couple minutes. We used to come home, all grab fly swatters, count to 3, turn on the lights, and kill the crap out of them. We had a scary night when Shawn got jumped when he was walking alone. This was the year I first really, truly fell in love with Fall, and fell in love with the mountains. Elizabeth Smart was in one of my summer classes and I thought I was preeetttyyyy cool.

Senior year started. I moved into one of my favorite apartments ever with Lauren again! I officially started my special ed program. I LOVED it and quickly fell in love with the girls in my program. After a year I was forced to quit my nanny job with sweet Sahannah due to issues with her parents and it broke my heart. But I got an amazing job teaching preschool. (In between that though, I got a job at a charter school which I was forced to quit due to my school schedule changing. NBD.) Nathan sent his mission papers in and we freaked out a little. His call came right before Halloween, and we had exactly 60 days until he left, just a few days into 2010. With both of our busy schedules we only saw each other on the weekends and Tuesday nights when he took the bus to Provo, so it was hard, but we had fun! We threw a Halloween party for our friends. We spent our last night in Utah driving around to all the places that were nostalgic to us. Utah was where we met and fell in love. Sooo many memories.

The holidays ended, Nathan left, and Utah changed for me. I remember Jenna picking me up from the airport, dropping me off at my car at Nathan's old place, and just sitting in my car and crying. Nothing was the same anymore. It was weird navigating how to live in this state without him. I have incredible friends though and they really rallied around me to keep me from getting too sad. Just a few weeks after he left, my landlord went to prison and we all had to leave out apartment. It was sad to leave Lauren, but I got to stay in the complex and move in with my friend Sara! I continued in my school program and teaching at the preschool and I loved both so much. I went to Sundance for the first time. I got some goldfish (and killed them) and tried to get out with friends as much as possible. Wrote Nathan lots of letters. Jessica came to visit again. I made some amazing friends from a waiting for a missionary online support group. (Seriously.) Summer came and my summer practicum took up my life and kicked my butt and made me believe more than ever that I was made to be a teacher. I spent all my nights at Bree's apartment watching One Tree Hill. We decided to move in together the next semester which made our OTH watching a lot easier.

Senior year 2.0 started. I had a couple more classes to finish up before graduation so I put student teaching off to the winter. I did my classes, kept teaching preschool, and was a teaching assistant to two of the professors in my program. I was living with Bree and we had the roommate from HELL. My sister came to BYU and we spent almost every day together. By a lucky chance, she started dating Bree's little brother and so we saw them all the time! It was really fun. I sent Lauren off to Australia. Spent lots of time with my "missionary" friends, and kept writing Nathan every single week. Winter came and student teaching started. I was stressed and overwhelmed and commuting an hour each way. I enjoyed it, but it was hard. Nathan hit his year mark and then suddenly I was graduating from college!!!!! I had a couple job interviews and got a full-time sub position at a year round elementary school.

Then, suddenly, I had to be a real adult. I packed up my college life, and moved it to Salt Lake City into an empty apartment that I LOVED. I was living with my friend Ashley. We had so much fun! I started my job as the full-time sub, and it was overwhelming. I was walked to my classroom and was told, "good luck!" There were no materials left for me and they were several months behind on testing and IEP's. Talk about trial by fire. But it was such a good learning experience for me! I had a few more job interviews, got offered 2 jobs (one being taking over my student teaching position), and surprised even myself by taking the job teaching MIDDLE SCHOOL. It was never the plan, but from the second the interview started, I knew it was what I wanted. I finished out the summer at my sub job, got really into the gym with Katie, and even dated someone. It was a confusing and scary time and it didn't last long, but I learned a lot from it. The summer ended and Nathan's release date became official and I was in the final stretch of getting him home!

Comparing our butts. I wonder who won?

The day before my first day of school at the middle school

Fall came and I was a real teacher and I LOVED MY JOB. My students were my babies and I loved them. They were insane, naughty, and hilarious. I had a lot to learn, but had awesome coworkers who mentored me. I moved in with Katie in the fall and we had so many relaxing nights as we "hung out" in our own beds while she watched Netflix and I sat on Pinterest and we avoided going out with people. Jessica came back to Utah and we met up at Del Taco a lot. Not much happened in this time except throwing my whole heart and soul into teaching, and counting down the days until Nathan.

I went home for Christmas, and came back to Utah with a FIANCE. Utah would never be the same after that. Our engagement was hard and luckily short. It was hard because we hardly ever got to see each other. We lived about 20 minutes apart, and we both worked full time and Nathan went to school at night. It was also winter so it got dark early and it was cold and we just reeaalllllyy wanted to be married.

THEN WE WERE MARRIED! Utah got a lot more fun with a husband. We had such a fun Spring and Summer, going on lots of adventures. We loved our downtown apartment. It was such a fun and carefree time in my life. I look back that 2012 with so much happiness. I started another school year in the Fall with a whole new batch of 8th graders to love. I found out I was pregnant soon after and we could not have been more happy. I was pretty sick for most of Fall, but still so happy. We enjoyed the leaves and the weather, and by the time the snow came, we learned we were having a little girl.

I still struggle to reflect on 2013. For a lot of reasons. In the beginning, we were just SO happy. My sickness was gone, my belly was growing, baby was kicking like crazy, we moved into a 2-bedroom apartment, we decorated the nursery, we made plans. Plans that would never happen. 1 week after celebrating our 1-year anniversary, we lost our sweet baby. It changed everything. I feel like I can literally divide my life into 2 pieces: life before Madelyn, and life after. I can divide myself into those same pieces too. It changed who I am. I won't write too many details because I think I have written enough about losing Madelyn to fill a book or two, but it was the hardest thing we've ever gone through. Though we got ourselves out, back to work, back to real life, the rest of 2013 was spent in a funk. We got a sweet kitty to help us through. I stayed as brave as I could through the summer, but the Fall and Winter brought crippling depression and fertility drugs as we struggled to get pregnant again. There were so many days I drove aimlessly around the city, trying to fill my brain with any thoughts besides ones of my crushed dreams. My heart had been broken in Utah for the third time. My high school boyfriend breakup, Nathan leaving, and losing my baby. Each break redefined me and the way I lived my life. Utah had shaped me in ways I didn't even realize. I started a new school year with a new position. I cried on my lunch breaks. I was a zombie with a painted smile and "teacher voice." I felt like a shell of myself. 

After a Christmas and New Years in England, we came home and felt recharged and more positive. We also found out that Nathan got into the Berklee Collee of Music online program, and we were estatic. It also meant we would be staying in Utah so Nathan could keep his awesome job while he did school. The thought of staying here didn't make me upset at all. A few weeks later we moved into a new apartment, away from the memories and empty nursery, and found out we were finally pregnant. The first few months in the new apartment were weird. I was sick and missed downtown and was in a funk accepting this new pregnancy. Spring came, we found out it was a girl, and I was filled with new hope and peace. I made the very hard decision to stop teaching at the end of the school year and I still miss it and my students every single day. Taking down the sign that said "Mrs Merkley" was hard. I left a piece of my heart there.

Summer started and it was fun and relaxing, but just a waiting game for the baby. Jessica and Marshall left Utah and I won't lie, I was super depressed about it. I'm still depressed about it. I laid around and try to fill my days to make the time pass. Nathan and I got out a lot. We stayed up late and slept in. We really tried to soak in our time left with just the two of us. It was a really fun summer. I even went to girls camp! We really fell in love with our new ward.

Baby Sadie came and our world changed again. In the most insanely happy way. I struggled a little bit. I loved Sadie, but the baby blues hit me hard. I also had an awful c-section recovery. Shortly after her birth, we moved out of our 1-bedroom apartment. We loaded most of our stuff into our new, 2-bedroom basement apartment which wasn't ready, and stayed 1 month up in the mountains in Nathan's boss' vacation cabin in Midway. That was no vacation. I was still recovering from my c-section, still figuring out how to have a newborn, and I was trapped in this giant house, all day, all alone. Nathan had an hour commute now, so he left before I was up, and came home when it was already dark. He also had just started school and was way behind thanks to a new baby and moving so he worked on school work all night. I didn't have a car, so I couldn't even leave the house during the day. It was a hard time. When we finally moved into our new place, it still wasn't completely ready and we hard workers coming in and out and we couldn't make it a home yet. I felt misplaced and was still adjusting to my new life.

Coming home from Christmas we finally felt settled. We had our little basement apartment a home, and I loved every square inch. That first year of Sadie's life is an absolute blur. But the best kind of blue. She gave me new life and new hope in everything, including Utah. I'd always said I never wanted to have kids here, but having kids here is a blast! We went on a million adventures. We truly built a life and a home. This is when Utah 100% became home to me.

Sadie turned one, and a pregnancy test turned positive. After all our months of negatives with Sadie, I never expected to get a positive on the first month we tried. We didn't even tell anyone we were trying because we were so scared it would take forever again. And then, there it was! Another life changer. I was so incredibly sick that Fall, it's hard for me to listen to songs that I liked then, or smell certain things, because all the memories of my sickness come back. It was that bad. It subsided a tiny bit in winter, but not much. We found out we were having a boy and I was 0% surprised. I knew he was a boy from the moment I got pregnant. Life carried on and I got bigger and bigger and Sadie got crazier and even more fun. The end of my pregnancy was hard. And long. REALLY LONG.

And then I was a mother of multiple children. WHAT THE HECK?! The weather was perfect and I loved my little family. Then there was Jack's hospital stay which really belongs in a phase all by itself. It was this weird week out of reality that I kinda feel like was out of someone else's like when I look back on it. NOT FUN. But it's okay because he's healthy now and we are a happy family of four. Just living the dream in the great state of Utah ;)

This has been such a fun and cathartic post for me to write. It took a really long time and I am insanely impressed if you looked through this whole thing. I have just been reflecting over my time here in Utah so much lately. This is where I grew up. Where I became and adult. It where I got my heart broken many times. It's where I met my husband. It's where I got my education. It's where I became a teacher. It's where I became a mother. And it's where I've built my home and family. I owe a lot to Utah. I think about that incredibly naive, bleach-blonde girl who came here and cried about the curtains not matching the carpet on her first night, and all the dreams she had. I had thought my life would take a different course than it did, but I ultimately ended up exactly where I always wanted to be. Utah has given me a really, really good life.