glimpses of normal

This weekend was a really good weekend.
I didn't think I would ever be saying that word again- "good"
But it was the best I have felt in a while.
Not exactly back to me, but getting there.
Or at least feeling that it's possible.

My wonderful sister and brother-in-law, gave us a night at the Marriott up in Park City. It was the perfect distance away for a quick, little trip. We headed up on Friday and enjoyed the time away from our pain. I didn't realize how much I needed this.

It was like I was slapped awake. I have been hunkered down in our apartment not seeing anyone, not doing anything. I went to my class Tuesday night and realized the world was still going, but it wasn't until we went on this trip that I realized my world could keep going too.

It was a breath of fresh air. It was Nathan and I letting go of the pain. It was like I needed to drive up into the mountains to be far away enough from my problems to see them as manageable pieces. I needed to escape the little cocoon of sadness I had built for myself. It was safe there, but there wasn't much healing and growing going on in there.

There were moments where I forgot all about what was going on. I felt almost normal.

Saturday after we checked out of our hotel we decided to just drive. We love long drives. We love exploring new areas. Nothing clears your head more than a spontaneous drive to nowhere. We headed out east and just drove and drove and talked and laughed and sang. There was a moment when this song was playing and the scenery outside was gorgeous and I was holding my sweetheart's hand and I felt happy. It's the first time I can honestly say that I have felt happy. It was beautiful and peaceful and gave me more hope than I have had this whole time. Before I knew it, we were in Wyoming. Whoops.

These completely-happy moments are fleeting, but they are happening more often. That's got to count for something. This weekend really helped me. It showed me a glimpse of how I used to be. I laughed real laughs and smiled real smiles. I saw glimpses of a future that might be different than what I planned, but could still be beautiful. I know I have a long way to go, but this weekend showed me that it's possible. I can be happy. I can be me. I can live life and it can be wonderful.

April Books

My April books might not be as applicable to everyone as past months have been. But as I have been dealing with a very specific trial, I have been reading very specific books. This month I read:

"Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" by Deborah L. Davis

and "For They Shall be Comforted: Grieving the Loss of A Child" by Camille Call Whiting

I highly recommend both books for anyone who has ever lost a child. Whether by miscarriage, stillbirth, or young in their infancy. The second book was a gift from a co-worker who lost her son at 38 weeks. It's from an LDS perspective and gave me a lot of hope. She shares her own stories of child loss and goes on to talk about how she healed, how she celebrates her angel babies, and how she built a new life with help from the Savior. It's beautiful and brought a lot of answers and hope for the future. I saw how she survived more loss than I have experienced, and made it through. It was very comforting.

The first book is written from more of an outside, psychological standpoint but was incredibly helpful. It helped me see that I wasn't crazy for being so sad and depressed. It helped me understand the emotions and steps I was going through and what to expect later on down the road. You can read the whole thing, or just take bits and pieces of what you need. The author wrote from an outsiders perspective, but it included several stories and quotes from women and men who had lost a child. It helped me understand my grieving a lot better. The title is so sad but really, really rang true for me. One of the hardest parts of this whole thing was being so far along in the pregnancy. It was so real. I felt the baby. I knew the baby. We were only a few weeks away. I had quit my job. I was having my first baby shower in 3 days. I had carried her for 8 months. Her nursery was all set up. Coming home to that room and empty cradle was more pain than I can explain. This book helped me see I wasn't alone in that pain, and that I would survive it.

Both books are incredible for anyone going through this, or if you know someone going through this. They offer great advice for friends and family members of how to handle the situation and how to help your loved one through this difficult time. I read both books in two days. I really loved them.

Catstagram

I take more pictures of my cat than I care to admit.

My maternal instincts are in overdrive after loosing my little girl and I am glad that I have something to take care of. I am obsessed with her and probably will be for quite a while so you might as well just get used to it. 

Here's a million pictures of her so I don't overload facebook with cat pictures and lose all my friends. Or even worse, they might think I've gone insane. Which I partially have.

She's so cute when she sleeps. I just can't even handle it.

Two pictures of her hugging me. I just love it. Every time I pick her up. She only does it to me. It's our special bonding. I don't care if it makes me sound crazy, but it feels like holding a baby sometimes and it just makes me smile. She knows what I need. The top right is her sleeping again. And the bottom left is when Nathan put her on our bookshelf. Poor girl.

The top two are from when I took her to the vet last week. She was so sad in her cage but did so great! She didn't whine and was super brave with the vet. Everyone there loved her. While we were waiting for the doctor, I let her out of her cage to explore the little room we were in. She's so dang curious it's hilarious. She has to smell everything. Including the sink. The bottom are just some model shots of her. She's too pretty for her own good.

Side story. The shelter told us she was 1 year and 7 months. She's so hyper sometimes though so I kinda thought she was younger. The vet confirmed my thoughts when she told us our kitty was no older than 7 or 8 months. So we have ourselves a kitten!

Here's a shot of her pretending she didn't want our pizza. It was driving her crazy! (Notice some of the lovely flowers we were sent in the background. We have some lovely friends and family). The other one in her watching me wash my face like she does every night. Scroll on to see more of her sink fascination.

I call this "Lady and the Sink." She loves the sink. She could watch the water run for hours.

One last sleeping picture for good measure.

From the inside

As I held you in my arms
the world could have stopped
and I would have never known.
All I knew was you and I
and the new piece of me I had found
in you.

But there's a hole that appeared
as they wheeled you away.
It bleeds deep in my soul
down past everything I've ever known,
smearing darkness across the beauty
I knew.

Yet I have no regrets
for bringing you into this world.
You opened a chamber in my heart
that would have never existed
had I not held you, not known you,
my girl.

No one but you can know
the love I felt that morning.
After all,
you're the only one who knows
how my heartbeat sounds
from the inside.

going on

That's what I'm learning this week.

Last night I went back to my degree endorsement class. It was my first real interaction with the outside world. I'm not kidding. I haven't even had friends come over to visit besides dropping meals or packages off. I have been living in a different world these past couple weeks. A world where I don't have to face anything or anyone. Alone with my cat and my husband and the constant calls and text messages with my mom and sisters. It's been weird, but it's given me the time I need to heal. Last night I was thrown back and realized that everyone else's lives had been going on as if nothing had happened. My old life was going on without me in it. My whole world changed on April 11th and the rest of the world still went on like normal. My life will never be that same normal it used to be. I have to mesh this new life I have with the one I used to have, and it all seems very overwhelming.

On Monday I go back to work. In some ways I am scared that I will have to deal with people and their overly-sympathetic looks and probing questions, but in other ways I am relieved for a distraction and a big push to help me find my new "normal." I also miss my kids. A lot. And I feel like they will be able to fix me in a way that no one else can. Maybe I don't have a baby to take care of right now, but I can take care of them. And they can take care of me right back.

Next year I will be returning to my school again. It was a hard decision for me to make and I was angry for a while that I had to make it. I had plans of my own for the Fall, and they included my own child, not other people's. My principal has been so wonderful through this whole process and has arranged it so that I can come back part-time, instead of full-time. I will also be teaching 9th grade instead of 8th grade, which means I will be teaching my same kiddos again. It has been a long, hard year with them if you remember some of my past blog posts. But the progress I have made with them and the relationships I have built have been incredible. I am excited to continue that progress next year, and excited that I will have the time to relax and heal next year instead of being overwhelmed and drowning in work. Even though this was not apart of the plan, this is the best decision for me and I feel good about it.

Slowly, life is moving on. We both feel a little bit better each day. It get's a little bit easier to see a happy future. There's more peace and hope and I know I will find a new normal. I'm not forgetting about Madelyn, in fact, the stronger I get, the more real she feels. My body is healing and my heart is healing. It might take a while, but it's good to know there is hope of going on.

1 week

Dear Madelyn,

A week ago I held you in my arms. Some nights they feel achy and empty without you in them. Seems so unfair we only got that hour together before they took you away.

I've been doing everything the books tell me to do. Allowing myself to cry and grieve. Making sure I have things to look forward to. Planning a new life while still remembering. They give great advice and temporary comfort, but they all tell me it will take time. I hate that answer. I don't want to wait to feel better. I just want to be better. But more than that, I just want you here.

At the same time, I can't help but think about how lucky I am to have had the time with you that I did. I'm so lucky to be your mom. So lucky to be blessed with such a perfect little girl and to feel the love that I felt for you last Saturday in that hospital room. Had I known ahead of time how this pregnancy would end, I would have gone through it all anyway just for that chance to hold you.

I love you so much little girl. I promise to live a life so that you can be proud to call me your mom. I know one day I'll hold you again and won't have to say goodbye. I can't wait for that day.

Love always,

Mom

we now return you to your originally scheduled blogging

Still riding the roller coaster that is grieving and recovery.
But I know one step is returning to normal life.
So not every blog post will be depressing, I promise. Just some of them.

In happier news, 2 days after Madelyn was born, we decided to get a kitty.
I have wanted a pet forever but we live in a small, city apartment on the top floor.
And pet rent is stupid.
But we decided it was a good time.

We drove everywhere looking for kitten. No one has kittens. No one was selling kittens.
Where are all the kittens?
We called the humane society and they said they had 3 kittens so we headed over.
They have a place called "Kitty City" and you just walk around from room to room and there are about 5 cats in each room. It's awesome. We decided to check out all the cats before we decided.
I found a one-year-old kitty I feel in love with. We had wanted a kitten, but I just loved her.
We kept coming back to her room.
I picked her up and she hugged me.
You guys, she hugged me. She put her arms around my neck and nuzzled and purred.
It was like she had a 6th sense and knew what I needed. I was sold that very second.

She isn't a kitten, but she still acts like a kitten and she is very tiny and done growing.
She is the most lovable and playful thing in the world.
She follows us around and always wants love.
She can't fill the hole that has been left in our hearts, but she is certainly helping.
And she seriously still hugs me every time I pick her up.
It's the best thing in the world.

Her name is Lady.
Nathan likes it because he can yell, "Hey Lady!" at her.
I like it because I think she is a princess. She rules our apartment already.

Nathan loves her.
We both have always wanted a dog, but it's impossible with our apartment.
I have always loved cats, and I am really glad Nathan does as well.
He keeps sneaking her table food and trying to sneak her onto the balcony.
And he has her chasing the laser pointer around for hours. Poor girl.

We love her. Very, very much.

when "worst case scenario" becomes your scenario

Thank you for all the beautiful and positive responses, emails, comments, letters, and calls about Madelyn's Story. It was a hard story to write but I am so glad that I did. Thank you, for your continued support during this time.

I have wanted to say more on this time in my life. To say it's the hardest thing I have ever gone through would be an understatement, and I know documenting my emotions may help me and others in the future.

But what do you say when "worst case scenario" becomes your scenario? Becomes your life? I have heard a million stories about third trimester stillborns, but I never thought I would be able to relate to them.

My days go back and forth. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes I wake up feeling fine.

It's been hard recovering from the normal pains from labor. It was hard when my breast milk came in. But in the strangest way, I don't want either of those things to go away. They are my ties to her. The only real proof I have that I gave birth. The only things that make me feel like a mother.

A coworker brought us dinner the other night and it threw me back into the "real world." I don't want to be in the real world. Nathan and I have been cooped up, spending 24/7 together since last Thursday night when we found out. Even though there has been great sadness, we were together and safe to let it all out. Even though I love my dear, sweet coworker, her presence reminded me that not only do I have to face this tragedy, I have to face life again. She asked me questions about my plans now that I will not be a stay-at-home mom. Decisions have to be made. Decisions I don't want to make because I wasn't supposed to have to make them.

I am still finding my strength in the Gospel and in the knowledge that she is where she should be and is so much happier than she would be here. My heartache is selfish in that way, but it's very real. The hardest thing is loosing the future we had planned with her.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith

There are times when I can almost feel her with me. I felt her in the hospital. I was holding her lifeless body, but I felt her spirit there. I felt her Monday night when I held our new kitten in her bedroom and cried because as sweet as our kitty is, I planned on holding a baby in that room. I felt her as I typed out her story. I am so thankful for those moments where the veil seems thin and she doesn't seem so far away.

I know she loves me and misses me too. I know she wants me to be happy. And I know that I will be.

I do feel like I am handling this whole situation much better than I could have imagined, but there are plenty of weak moments. It's know it's important to feel the sadness and not always be strong. I know it's important to grieve and to let my heart break. I just wish it wasn't.

So what have I learned needs to happen when worst case scenario happens? We have to go on. Slowly, one step at a time. We have to trust in the Lord and trust in ourselves and the strength that we might not even know we have. We have to cry. We have to be sad. But we also have to hope and look forward. I'm working on that part right now.

I have found so much peace and comfort in this talk. Please, take a minute to read or watch it. It is given for those who have lost children, but really can be applied to any death or any hard time in our lives. It gives me hope. I can't wait to be with Madelyn again. I know I will be.

"I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.. I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy." -Shayne M. Bowen

Madelyn's Story

Madelyn Rose Merkley was born on Saturday, April 13th, 2013 at 7:30am 

 She was 3lbs 13oz. 

17 and 1/2 inches long. 

She was a perfect angel. 

She had already passed away a few days before, but she is my daughter, and she deserves a story.
Even if it is a hard story to tell. 

I was 34 weeks along when I realized I wasn't feeling Madelyn as much anymore. She had been incredibly active in the past and I thought this was strange. Many people assured me that this was normal. That she had gotten so big that there was little room to move around. I tried to tell myself this over and over, but my anxiety got too great and Nathan and I headed to the hospital on Thursday after work. 

I knew almost instantly that she was gone.The nurse looked for the heartbeat and couldn't find it. She told me that it might just be the machine, but I knew. She got out the ultrasound machine and looked around for a while telling us nothing. I didn't want to hear what I felt I knew, so I didn't ask any questions and she left to go grab a doctor. It was the doctor who confirmed had been my greatest fear. 

"It looks as if, for some reason, this baby didn't make it." 

 I will probably never forget those words or the feelings that washed over me. They called my doctor and left us alone. I cried like I have never cried in my entire life. Nathan is not a crier. I have not seen him cry since the night before he left on his mission, but he cried like I've never seen. We held each other and cried for a good 20 minutes. There was nothing else I could think of to do. 

After the tears slowed, we talked about what comes next. It was there on that little hospital bed that we made a decision. 

"Do we let this ruin our lives? Do we let this consume us?" 

We decided we weren't going to. 

We would grieve. We would cry. We would be sad. But we would not let it consume us. We would focus on the bigger picture. We have the Gospel. We have the Plan of Salvation. We knew we were sealed together forever, and she was sealed to us. We know all things happen for a reason and we know that our little girl was much better off than we were. She was with her Father in Heaven. She was happy. And we would be okay. 

My doctor joined us and she cried with us. We got our questions answered. We made some decisions. We would go home that night and try to sleep. We would come back to the hospital and I would be induced and deliver the baby. We were left alone again. We told my mom first. She immediately started planning her trip out here. My mom is the greatest mom. Your argument is invalid. 

The next few hours were spent driving around Salt Lake because we didn't want to go home, wandering Walmart, and telling more family members. Word spread fast and our phones were blowing up within an hour with words of comfort and peace. We know some really amazing people. Seeing the nursery when we got home was hard. We held each other and cried in her room for quite a while. It was hard to know the room we spent so long preparing and decorating, would never be lived in by the occupant it was intended for. 

We tried to eat and tried to sleep. Neither were too effective. When we finally gave up on sleeping, we got ready and left for Kneaders. I needed a huge meal because I wouldn't be allowed to eat during labor and my doctor informed me that it could take as long as 48 hours. I didn't think I would be able to eat, but I polished off my breakfast. 

We got to the hospital and everyone working there already knew. I was keeping it together until the first worker we talked to said "Hi," in the most sympathetic voice I had ever heard. And then the tears started. They carried on for a while. We were checked in, taken to our room, and told how the process would work. They hooked me up to some machines and found that I had already started contractions on my own. My body had figured out this baby inside me needed to get out. It was a tender mercy to know I wasn't starting from ground zero. I was given a suppository and they continued to monitor me. Nathan gave me a beautiful blessing and we really felt peaceful. 

My wonderful little sister, Jessica, showed up soon after we got there. Her presence brought so much comfort and she helped lighten the mood. It was perfect. We hung out and waited and I got checked several times and then my mom's plane landed. Nathan picked her up and grabbed some lunch and we found out I progressing very little. I was given another suppository and there was more waiting. My mom and Jessica saved us that day. I actually enjoyed myself and we had a lot of fun just talking and hanging out. Jessica was my special bathroom helper and wheeled my IV over to the bathroom with me every 20 minutes. 

Late in the afternoon, my doctor came. I can't tell you how wonderful she is. She brought us the sweetest, most thoughtful gift. She wanted to do all she could to help me progress. She decided to break my water and give me an epidural because my contractions were going to get pretty intense, but it would still be a long time before I delivered. She also got me some food even though the anesthesiologist said no food. She is awesome. 

At this point my nurses changed and I believe another tender mercy was the nurse that was assigned to me for the night. Her name was Brooke. She looked like Reese Witherspoon. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met. Just a few years back she went through the exact same thing. She lost a little girl in utero at 36 weeks. She had named her Laura. Her story was comforting to know I wasn't alone. She took such great care of me. I am so thankful for her. 

 My sweet brother-in-law joined us and we watched some Friends and talked some more. I was started on pitocin and as it got later and later we realized it was not happening that day. Jessica and Marshall went back to our apartment to sleep. Nathan and I got some alone time. He slept on the floor next to my bed that night and held my hand all night. He is my rock. My sweet mother also slept in the room on the little couch. I tried sleeping but had to be woken up every hour to be monitored. Looking over to see those two here with me meant the world. I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. At 630am I woke up to very, very painful contractions. I tried to wait them out but they were incredibly intense and coming every minute. I had to call my nurse and she had my dose upped on my epidural. She decided since she was there that she would check me again. I wasn't expecting much. I was preparing to be there for a whole new day of waiting. When she told me I was ready to deliver I was shocked. Nathan and my mom quickly woke up, we turned the lights on, Jessica and Marshall rushed over, and my doctor joined us. We had done so much waiting I had calmed down quite a bit, but then I got nervous. It was time. I was going to have to do this. Nathan was right at my side. Jessica and my mom wanted to stay as well. They wanted a chance to meet Madelyn. 

 It only took a few minutes to get everything set up and before I knew it, they were telling me to push.

Delivery was very easy. I had my sweet nurse coaching me and my amazing doctor bringing my baby into into this world with tears streaming down her face. 3 or 4 pushes and she was out. They laid her immediately on my stomach and I got the first look at my little girl. I was worried at first about seeing her. Originally, I said I did not want to see her. I wanted them to take her away so I didn't have to face it. I am so glad I didn't do that. They wrapped her up in a blanket and placed her in my arms. I thought I would not feel connected to her since she was not alive, but I was wrong. All those things that people tell you you will feel the first time you hold your child, I felt. I fell in love with her. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had the most perfect lips. She was so tiny. I noticed immediately that she had my nose. She was a little piece of me and a little piece of my Nathan and she was 100% perfect. I could have stared at her forever. 

 Nathan sat with us and we took turns holding her. Watching Nathan hold our baby girl is an image I will cherish forever. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, but he was smiling. He told me later he was feeling the same things I felt- overwhelming love for this angel. We got some pictures of her alone and some pictures of us with her. Pictures seemed creepy at first, but I am so glad we have them. They aren't anything I would ever share with the world. They are personal and very special to me. We won't look at them often to obsess about what we lost, but they are a beautiful keepsake of our beautiful daughter. 

Jessica and my mom took turns holding her and Marshall joined her to meet his niece as well. Then they left Nathan and I alone with our girl. We told Madelyn how much we loved her. Nathan said a beautiful prayer. It was the most precious time. We held her and talked and decided we were ready to say goodbye. Everyone came back in and we said goodbye to her one last time. People asked if holding her was hard. I can say that holding her was not hard at all. Watching her leave was. 

They started cleaning me up and preparing me to change rooms. My mom went home to shower and rest and Jessica and Marshall needed to head back to Provo. Nathan and I moved rooms and were finally able to eat. We watched the movie "Big" while people came into check me and my epidural slowly wore off. A few hours later, they said we could go if we wanted to. I really, really wanted to get out of the hospital. We got my pain prescriptions and lugged all our stuff down to the car. We had wonderful people send beautiful flower arrangements to the hospital while we were there. Thank you all so much. They cheered up some very sad rooms. 

Really I should be thanking everyone. I cannot begin to explain the love and peace and comfort that the words, phone calls, emails, messages, gifts, and prayers have brought to us. We could not have made it through this weekend without them. We have the most incredible people in our lives. The outpouring of love was overwhelming and touched us so much. So thank you, thank you, thank you. A million, billion times over. We could not have born this all without you. 

We are doing okay. The emotions come and go in waves and I know it will be that way for a while. Sometimes I feel a lot of strength and peace. Other moments are not as easy. I will say that leaving the hospital without a baby was incredibly hard. Giving up the plans we had made was, and is, very hard. Life as we know it has not changed much, but the future we planned has changed drastically, and that's a pill that is hard to swallow some moments. I still reach to rub my belly out of habit. It's hard to not have her with me. She has been my constant companion these past 8 months and I miss her. That's what's been hard about being home now; we miss her. We miss her every moment, and probably always will. 

 Blood tests were run on me and nothing was found to be the cause of her death. My doctor believes it was most likely the cord. She said there is often no answer, these things just happen. I feel that way about so many things in life - there is no answer. At least for now. I know that what we go through in this life often seems unfair. It's so easy to give into the, "why me?" It's so easy to concede to that darkness and bitterness. I feel myself teetering there some moments. 

"From time to time, our lives may seem to be touched by darkness... nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Jesus Christ. I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed." 

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

That's the only reason I have survived thus far - my Savior. He is the rock when everything else has crumbled. Nathan and I have leaned on each other and leaned on Him and I know that we can make it though. Our darkness will not last, but the love of our Savior will. I know that Madelyn is with him again. I know the beauty of what comes after this life supersedes anything found on this Earth. I have faith that there was a reason for all of this. All of our trials have meaning and lessons if we care to look for them. 

 “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.” 

-Richard G. Scott 

Things are hard right now and will be for a while, but I know we will be okay. We will go on. Madelyn will stay with us forever, and one day, I will get to be with her again. 

"Some people come into our lives and quickly leave. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

one of those times I just blog my thoughts in a list

+ I can't wear white shirts anymore. They all have big stains right on my giant belly.

+ I started my second-to-last class for my reading endorsement degree last night. I was pretty stoked about this class until he informed us that we had to read 12 novels, 35 picture books, write a report on each of those 12 novels and 35 picture books, read 5 additional novels that he chooses for literature circles, do a giant book project on each of those 5 novels as well as a paper, and choose an author and do a research paper and presentation on his life. And those are just our "projects." That doesn't include homework. We have a massive textbook and articles assigned to us to read after every class and papers to do on those readings. Then several exams throughout the course.You guys. Everyone in this program is already a full-time, employed teacher. We have been in this program for almost 2 years and never has any other teacher dumped this much on us. We usually had articles and text book readings and a short reflection on the readings. Then we would have a big, end-of-semester project. This man is insane to think this is possible with full-time teaching jobs. Most of the people in the class have spouses and kids as well! I feel like this is a really mean joke. I do NOT have the time to read 12 novels, let alone all that other crap. When I get home from work, I usually get on my computer and do more work! Lesson planning, data keeping, paper work.. it never ends. And being pregnant doesn't exactly make me the most energetic person on the planet. The class isn't even a full semester long and we are expected to cram this all in. Not to mention, I will be having a BABY 3 weeks before the class ends. This is going to be fun. Maybe I cried on my drive home.

+ I love tootsie pops lately.

+ The other day I thought I would teach a quick review on punctuating dialogue since my kids should have learned it in previous years. They didn't know what the word "dialogue" meant. When we cleared that up, no one knew what a quotation mark was. So my little "review" turned into a 5 day unit. You should have seen their faces when I was teaching them how to quote a quote within a quote. Teaching resource is always an adventure!

+ I am 34 weeks along today. 6 more weeeeeeks!!! 5 until I am done with work. As long as that little girl stays up in there until then.

+ Today I get to eat Chinese food with Jenna. Mmmm.

+ Watch this video. You won't regret it. My husband sent it to me today and I showed it to my students at the end of our reading class. They were dying and made me replay it 3 times. They loved the rhino the best. Nathan loves the groundhog. I love the flamingo. 

 + Today we are having student body officer elections at the end of the day. So in order to do that, they screwed up our entire schedule. Our periods went like this: 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 5, 6, 2. Seriously. Try explaining that to a room filled with high-stress kids. They were not happy.
+ 2 of my students ran for student body officer and gave such cute speeches.

+ One of my students came into class after using the hall pass and said, "Mrs. Merkley, I missed the toilet." He wasn't even trying to be funny. It was like he felt compelled to be honest with me.

+ I need it to be the weekend. We will be in 80 degree weather with some of my favorite people in the world. I nnneeeeeeeedddd ittt!

+ There's something about 8th graders flirting with each other that makes me feel super uncomfortable and also entertains me to no end.
+ I put a student in time out today. I was half joking, half serious. But I told him when he acted like a preschooler, I needed to treat him like a preschooler. So he sat in silence in the back desk for 5 minutes.

+ Baby girl is flipped the right way (thank goodness) and her head likes to hang out on the left side of my belly button. Makes my left side protrude. It's awesome. He feet like to hang out in the left side of my rib cage. Makes things painful. She really likes the left side of my body for some reason. Not surprising, the left side of my back always hurts. Shoulders down to tailbone.

+ It is seriously only Wednesday? Come on.

+ Arrested Development is only a few weeks away!! I might pee my pants.

+ I was very productive today at work. Blew through half my to-do list. Feels gooooood. Especially since I have elevendy billion things to do before I take maternity leave.
+ "Pimps don't ever let people see their real eyes." Real quote I just heard. They are allowed to have 5 minutes of social time at the end of the day. I overhear awesome things.

+ I've been soooo thirsty the past 24 hours!! I always drink a ton of water every day, but today it was triple. I never don't feel thirsty. That was a terribly written sentence. Especially since I teach Language Arts. I should feel ashamed. Alas, I do not. I also never edit or proofread my blog posts. Katie usually just texts me when there are errors. So I apologize for my quite-often spelling and grammar errors. I am sure you wonder how I became a teacher at all. The truth? I'm not a teacher. I make it all up to impress you!!! Are you impressed?

On that note, I should probably just go.

WAIT! Today is National Sibling Day! I have the greatest siblings in the world.
Graff side

Merkley side

Conference weekend according to my iPhone

Guys! General Conference was this weekend! And it was great!

My parents and brother came out for the occasion and it was grand. Jessi and Marshall joined us on Saturday as well. We heard beautiful, inspired words from the Lord's servants and ate some delicious food! It was all around good fun.

Friday night my parents took us to Tucanos. They said it was to celebrate our anniversary but I think they just wanted an excuse to over-indulge in meat. We played around at the Gateway for hours afterwards. Some people had more fun than others..

Saturday was Conference of course and it was wonderful to have most the family all together. (Missed you Crosby's). The weather was beautiful. The messages were beautiful. It was a great day.

A family friend, Gary Price, was called to the 70 this weekend. My parents haven't seen them in years. Their son, Scott, is my age and we were best friends when we were little. We reconnected in college and have become really close over the years! It was fun to run into them and celebrate with them.

While the boys went to Priesthood, us ladies walked back to my apartment and ate candy and talked for hours. Boys came home, we ordered 5 pizzas and partied all night. And when I say partied, I mean sat on the couch. Cameron spent the night with us Saturday night and we enjoyed pizza for breakfast and Cameron farting while watching Conference. Mom and dad joined us for some lunch and then they left us. Not before my mom said she had to snap a picture of my dad and I in my "large, pregnant state." Thanks mom.

I hate coming down from the high of a weekend. But now I have to come down from the high of Conference AND having my family in town. Oh Monday, you heartless wench.

To end, please enjoy this picture of what I caught my husband doing on Wednesday night. He was watching Justin Bieber videos and looking very angry. Yet, he kept watching them. Hope you had a good weekend!

the first year

1 year ago exactly, this was happening.

I was walking up the steps of the temple with the love of my life. We were just an hour away from being sealed for time and all eternity. (Yes, my super classy fiance had brought all his stuff in a Sears bag). The next time pictures were taken of us, we would me married!

Our wedding day is still my favorite day. I got to make such beautiful promises to the man I love, surrounded by the people who meant the most to me. And that night, we had an awesome party with good food and cupcakes and dancing! I didn't stop smiling the entire day.

I've been trying to think of ways to sum up the past year or even just give a short description of it and what I learned. But every time, words fail me. I think it's because my life with Nathan is just how I want it to be and it feels as if we have always lived this way. I can't imagine a life where he is not with me. We have learned a lot this year. We have had ups and downs. We have had so many adventures. The only summary I can really give is that it's been the best year of my life and I cannot wait for an Eternity more with this guy.

I have made a slideshow for Nathan on every one of our anniversaries (excluding those 2 years he was on a mission or something). I love to watch our year in review set to music. Makes me feel all warm and toasty inside. So here's the greatest hits of our first year of marriage! Happy Anniversary Natey Patey! Love you so much!

a soap box of sorts

This morning while driving into work, I was listening to the morning radio show I always listen to. They have a celebrity gossip time right during my commute and well.. if you know me, you know I am pathetic and enjoy that kind of crap.

One of today's stories was about my girl, Carrie Underwood. She was quoted in an interview saying that if her husband asked her to leave show business, she would do it in a heartbeat. She said she loves what she does, but being a wife is more important than her job. I was sitting there thinking, "Aww, how sweet! Someone who actually values marriage!" when the DJ went off on how this was offending to women. He launched into a huge thing about how her husband probably beats her into submission and how she is disgracing women by suggesting the idea of giving up anything for a man.

How is a woman who is committed to her marriage a disgrace to women? It sickened me. The world has such skewed visions sometimes. I can tell you that I am a very strong-willed woman. Thanks to a crappy high school boyfriend who walked all over me, I don't allow myself to be walked on anymore. Ask my poor, understanding, patient husband. He will be the first to admit who wears the pants in our marriage. I am not a weak woman who needs a man. I am a strong woman who wants a man in her life. I put the needs of my husband and my marriage and my future family above my own and above the temporal callings and desires of this world. If that makes me a disgrace to women, so be it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a working mother or wife. I don't think there is anything wrong with independent and strong women. But I feel like in today's world, some women don't want to be equal with men, they want to dominate men. We speak of equal rights for men and women which is something I advocate strongly for, but I feel like women want to be better, not equal. They want to crush men. They want to rule the country and get rid of men. That's not being a feminist to me. That's being a supremacist. If that interview was flipped and it was Carrie's husband saying he would give up his career as a professional hockey player if she asked him to, the world would say, "awww" and would regard him as a gentleman. Some would go further and say, "Yeah, he better!" Men are expected to sacrifice for women. Why can't women sacrifice for men?

I have never felt like the "weaker sex" as my gender is often called. I grew up with an amazing father who loved and cherished my mother as well and myself and my sisters. He worked hard to support us and put our needs first. He adored my mother and treated her like gold. Both of my sisters married wonderful men and you all know how I feel about the dang husband of mine. The men in my life have always made me feel like I am stronger for being a woman. Not weaker. I have never felt the need to assert myself above them to prove myself and I don't understand why some women do.

I have been seeing this so much in my church lately. Women who feel that if they don't do and have everything exactly the same as men, then they are somehow less than men and that the church is sexist. The people in my church aren't perfect, but the Gospel is. I don't doubt anything about it and I have never, ever felt degraded for being a woman in this church. In fact, I have felt elevated and respected and cherished. The men in the Gospel love and respect woman. We are always taught to work hard, receive an education, be independent and strong, and work as equal partners with our husbands. We are given leadership positions. We are given responsibilities and callings. Boys are taught at a young age in our church how to be respectful of women -how to treat them right, how to treat them equal, how to open doors for them, and how to truly love, respect, and cherish them. How is that degrading? Women and men have different responsibilities in the church. Just like they have in real life.

I have an amazing career that I love, but my husband comes first. There's just no question. My husband would never ask me to give up something I loved, but if for some reason it was affecting our marriage, it would be done with immediately. He would do the same thing for me. I am choosing to stay home with our children for a few years while they are young. This is completely a personal choice and I admire greatly the women who work while raising young kids. My mother did it. It doesn't make you less of a mother to work. Just like it doesn't make me less of a woman to not work. I have gotten far too many judgmental comments about my decision to stay home with my children while they are little.

I don't see anything wrong with being feminine and girly and wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't see anything wrong with being soft and kind and sacrificing. I think those are beautiful ways to define women. Some may call me old-fashioned and I definitely am in many ways. I am incredibly glad that women have come such a long way from the way things used to be. My husband helps with all the cooking and cleaning and will be a very hands on father. I don't "belong in the kitchen." I don't feel suppressed in my feelings and beliefs and opinions. I don't feel like I submit to my overbearing and money-making husband. But I also enjoy having a meal for him to come home to and a clean apartment. I enjoy helping take care of him just like he enjoys taking care of me. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It makes me feel more of a woman. We are complete equals in our love and in our relationship. He takes on certain roles and I take on certain roles. Some are stereotypical "gender roles" and some are not. We do what works for us. But we love each other and respect each other.

I am glad we have moved towards equal rights for men and women, but I am not happy about the way some women have now become. I don't want to be seen as a "disgrace" because I put my husband as a priority in my life. I don't like the way motherhood is being frowned upon. I got an education and worked and paid my own bills and none of that made me feel like I deserved to somehow be above men. I love having a partner and someone to share my life with. I love having someone to support and take care of and being taken care of in return. I can't wait to have babies and raise them and teach them and learn so much from them. Family is so important. To me, it's worth anything. Even being called a disgrace.

real talk

I'm experiencing a lot of emotions today. A plethora if you will. So bare with me. One of the best ways for me to process emotion is to write it out. Please know I am not asking for advice or sympathy. More just venting my feelings.

Last night I had stressful dreams. Dreams about work- not teaching the kids enough, not finishing my paper work, being too uncomfortable to stand all day and have the energy to teach, leaving. Dreams about family- not getting to spend enough time with them this weekend when they're in town, them moving. Dreams about baby- not having things ready, painful labor. It was a rough night. Plus that whole peeing every few minutes thing.

Spring break ended yesterday. I had kinda let myself not think about the big life changes coming until this point, because spring break was kind of like a wall stopping them from happening. Now it's over. Now there's nothing in the way. In 6 weeks I leave my job and a few days later my baby is due and then my family moves across the world. All these things are going to happen. No vacation is going to stop that.

 I am being honest when I say that I am completely stoked out of my mind to get this baby here. But just this week, I became terrified of labor. I guess it's more fear of the unknown. I know things will be okay, but I'm a control freak. I would like to know EXACTLY how they will be okay. Down to the tiny details. I'm more than ready to be a mom, but this whole pushing a baby out of me thing is what's keeping me from feeling prepared. I have a very low (embarrassingly low) pain tolerance. I am the world's biggest wuss, and I've heard this whole giving birth thing is kinda a big deal. I wasn't scared at all until just this past week. As my due date draws nearer, people seem to think it's a good time to share labor horror stories with me. Even strangers. In the middle of Sunday School lessons. I am not sure why they think this is a good idea.

Leaving work is going to be hard as well; for several reasons. I worked really, really hard to become a teacher and that small, working-lady, kinda selfish part of me really reveled in the success I had in my chosen field. It's also a rewarding job most days. I love helping kids. I love watching them learn. I love special ed. It's a fantastic place to be. I have dreamed of being a special ed teacher since I was 14-years-old. I will miss my wonderful coworkers and the adult interaction I got everyday. I'll miss the paycheck. I'm a teacher, so it obviously wasn't huge, but Nathan and I have lived very comfortably the past year. Selfishly, that's hard to give up. I know I'm leaving this calling for an even more important, rewarding, and beautiful one. This is what I want and what I have dreamed of my whole life, but it's hard to feel that right now when everything is changing. There is also so much I need to do before work ends. IEPs, sub planning, filing, phone calls, meetings, packing up my classroom, lesson plans, even more meetings, not to mention just teaching. I love teaching, but it's exhausting even when I'm not pregnant. Staying on my feet, talking literally all day, and having the energy to keep up with behaviors is getting harder and harder as my stomach gets bigger and bigger.

I also feel stressed because after the baby comes, my family leaves. I have definitely come to terms with the fact that this move is the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. My parents bought a house in England and put their current house on the market this weekend and I think that's adding to my anxious feelings. I realized that after we bless the baby this June, I won't see my parents and brother until Christmas. For some people that might seem normal. For me.. It's terrible. I have never gone more than a couple months without seeing my family, and even then, I at least knew they were a road trip away. Now they are a 10 hour, thousand dollar flight with a baby away. It's all very overwhelming when I think about it.

Spring break was Heaven. Now it's over and real life is back full force; hitting me in the face with all these fears and worries. (Hormones aren't helping). Again, no need for advice and sympathy. I am actually feeling a lot better after just typing this all out. The only constant is change. I've always know that. Nathan and I had a very smooth, easy first year of marriage. I should have known some big changes were heading our way! Amid all the anxiety and fear is so much excitement. Life isn't fun if it's always the same. Plus.. I get to have a baby. A freaking baby you guys!! A piece of me and a piece of Nathan that is ours forever! And we get to go to England! They have Harry Potter there. And cool accents. Change is good. Scary, but good. Now someone keep reminding me of that for the next few months and I should be set.

Babymoonaversary Staycation 2013

Are you guys ready for a butt load chunk of pictures?
Because I have a ton.
And you cannot control the amount of pictures I flood this blog with.
Just another freedom you have lost thanks to Obamacare.

So this weekend/weekish we had our babymoonaversary staycation. For the untrained mind, that means we celebrated our anniversary as well as our last trip without a baby all while staying in the comfort of our own home.Originally, we were going to head down to St. George to celebrate but then we decided the money spent on gas, hotel, and good could be instead used to do fun things in Salt Lake and to buy present for ourselves and baby. Also, food.

So here's our celebrations! This should probably be split into a few posts.. but.. I don't care.

Thursday and Friday were the first two days of my Spring Break. All that really happened was that I went to the doctor and walked around Liberty park a bunch of times. One day I wore my moccasin slippers because they are comfortable and I am carrying an extra load and people gave me funny looks. Oh well!

I met Nathan for a picnic on Friday. You guys, the sun was so hot, it was burning my legs!!! It was soooo awesome!!!!!! We met at one of our favorite parks down town. It's getting to the time of the year when I absolutely fall back in love with this city.

When Nathan came home Friday night, we started celebrations the only way we know how: Del Taco and frozen yogurt. Then we browsed Deseret Book and Michaels.

 We came home and crafted all night while watching Friends. Nathan is a big sport for endlessly painting frames for me. I made him do a million coats. But by the end of the weekend, I had finished all the crafts for the little lady's nursery! I don't want to post pictures until the nursery is finished though.

 

Saturday we decided would be our anniversary, even though it's technically this weekend. But Conference is this weekend and my family is in town, so we celebrated early! We slept in, then went to City Creek for lunch.

On our first year dating anniversary, we did a "trip down memory lane" kinda thing where we visited places that were important to us and our relationship. Since that was 5 years ago, we decided to do it again! It's so fun to drive around Salt Lake and remember all the things we have done. We are super cool people, you guys.

We went shopping and bought ourselves way too many anniversary presents. (Picking out your own presents is the best sometimes). We also bought a special outfit for our little girl. My parents just bought their house in England and we are getting very excited for Christmas over in Europe! This will be her "bashing around London" outfit.

After a nice nap, Nathan surprised me with dinner at The Roof! I was so stoked. With my pregnancy appetite, a fancy buffet is the most perfect thing in the world!

This is me, all ready to eat!

I got a "dirty diet coke" which sounds alcoholic but basically it's filled with lime and coconut and it changed my life.

So much food.. ohhh it was Heavenly.

Then we played around on Temple Square

Sunday was Easter and candy and Church and candy and happiness and pork roast with mashed potatoes and A LOT more candy! We also found a new park we love. We really enjoy parks. But only if they have ducks.

Donuts, drives, dinosaurs, and 3D on Monday. That's all you really need to know.

Today is devoted to laying around, doing nothing, and pretending we don't have to get back to real life tomorrow. Oh real life. You suck.

I applaud you if you read to the end. It was such a fun and relaxing break. I feel completely recharged and ready to finish out these last few weeks of work. I am so thankful to have had the chance to spend so much time alone with my awesome husband. Life is gonna change big time next month, so it was fun to be lazy and kinda irresponsible for a few days. We made it one year and we had our babymoon (sorry mom, I know you hate that word) now all we need is for this little girl to join us!