glimpses of normal

This weekend was a really good weekend.
I didn't think I would ever be saying that word again- "good"
But it was the best I have felt in a while.
Not exactly back to me, but getting there.
Or at least feeling that it's possible.

My wonderful sister and brother-in-law, gave us a night at the Marriott up in Park City. It was the perfect distance away for a quick, little trip. We headed up on Friday and enjoyed the time away from our pain. I didn't realize how much I needed this.

It was like I was slapped awake. I have been hunkered down in our apartment not seeing anyone, not doing anything. I went to my class Tuesday night and realized the world was still going, but it wasn't until we went on this trip that I realized my world could keep going too.

It was a breath of fresh air. It was Nathan and I letting go of the pain. It was like I needed to drive up into the mountains to be far away enough from my problems to see them as manageable pieces. I needed to escape the little cocoon of sadness I had built for myself. It was safe there, but there wasn't much healing and growing going on in there.

There were moments where I forgot all about what was going on. I felt almost normal.

Saturday after we checked out of our hotel we decided to just drive. We love long drives. We love exploring new areas. Nothing clears your head more than a spontaneous drive to nowhere. We headed out east and just drove and drove and talked and laughed and sang. There was a moment when this song was playing and the scenery outside was gorgeous and I was holding my sweetheart's hand and I felt happy. It's the first time I can honestly say that I have felt happy. It was beautiful and peaceful and gave me more hope than I have had this whole time. Before I knew it, we were in Wyoming. Whoops.

These completely-happy moments are fleeting, but they are happening more often. That's got to count for something. This weekend really helped me. It showed me a glimpse of how I used to be. I laughed real laughs and smiled real smiles. I saw glimpses of a future that might be different than what I planned, but could still be beautiful. I know I have a long way to go, but this weekend showed me that it's possible. I can be happy. I can be me. I can live life and it can be wonderful.