going on

That's what I'm learning this week.

Last night I went back to my degree endorsement class. It was my first real interaction with the outside world. I'm not kidding. I haven't even had friends come over to visit besides dropping meals or packages off. I have been living in a different world these past couple weeks. A world where I don't have to face anything or anyone. Alone with my cat and my husband and the constant calls and text messages with my mom and sisters. It's been weird, but it's given me the time I need to heal. Last night I was thrown back and realized that everyone else's lives had been going on as if nothing had happened. My old life was going on without me in it. My whole world changed on April 11th and the rest of the world still went on like normal. My life will never be that same normal it used to be. I have to mesh this new life I have with the one I used to have, and it all seems very overwhelming.

On Monday I go back to work. In some ways I am scared that I will have to deal with people and their overly-sympathetic looks and probing questions, but in other ways I am relieved for a distraction and a big push to help me find my new "normal." I also miss my kids. A lot. And I feel like they will be able to fix me in a way that no one else can. Maybe I don't have a baby to take care of right now, but I can take care of them. And they can take care of me right back.

Next year I will be returning to my school again. It was a hard decision for me to make and I was angry for a while that I had to make it. I had plans of my own for the Fall, and they included my own child, not other people's. My principal has been so wonderful through this whole process and has arranged it so that I can come back part-time, instead of full-time. I will also be teaching 9th grade instead of 8th grade, which means I will be teaching my same kiddos again. It has been a long, hard year with them if you remember some of my past blog posts. But the progress I have made with them and the relationships I have built have been incredible. I am excited to continue that progress next year, and excited that I will have the time to relax and heal next year instead of being overwhelmed and drowning in work. Even though this was not apart of the plan, this is the best decision for me and I feel good about it.

Slowly, life is moving on. We both feel a little bit better each day. It get's a little bit easier to see a happy future. There's more peace and hope and I know I will find a new normal. I'm not forgetting about Madelyn, in fact, the stronger I get, the more real she feels. My body is healing and my heart is healing. It might take a while, but it's good to know there is hope of going on.