1 month

I have seen pictures like this before and I will be honest, I made fun of them. I thought they were cheesy. But that night while I lay in my hospital bed having been in labor all day with a baby I knew I wasn't going to get to keep, seeing Nathan by my side overwhelmed me. I had always known Nathan loved me, and I always knew I loved him, but the I never truly realized the depth of our love until April 11th when a random doctor told us our baby had died. Those 2 days spent in the hospital and the weeks afterwards made me realize it even more.

In this moment, I was exhausted. I had spent the last 24 hours crying. I had spent the day in labor. I hadn't slept. I was in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. My IV was dripping and hurting me. When I looked down at it and saw my sweetheart patiently holding my hand, I was just struck by the love I felt and how it mixed so strangely with the pain. It was such a simple gesture, one I have seen a million times before, but that night it meant something different. It meant I wasn't alone. It meant I would be okay. We would be okay.

I have felt so small when compared to this trial.That night was the tiniest I have ever felt. But Nathan holding my hand made me feel strong. We are a team, he and I, and we have been for 6 years now. He has held my hand through everything, but it never meant as much as it did that night.

At times I think about the unfairness of it all. We are too young for this. We have only been married a year, why do we already have such a mountain to climb? We had to wait to be married, now we have to wait for children? Why do so many others get to keep their babies? Why did it have to happen so late in the pregnancy? Why can't I keep her? I could go on and on about my "why me" complaint sessions. I've had a lot of them. I won't say that time has made this make sense. But it has made it a little easier.

It's been a month since my world fell apart and I can say gladly that I'm still alive. Some days seem easy. Some days are really, really hard. I still miss Madelyn like crazy. Some nights her absence is palpable. Sometimes I think about her and I smile. Sometimes when I think of her, I feel the giant hole in my heart rip open again. But the good days are becoming more and more common. The hard days becoming less and less intense. We continue to receive so much love and support. I have watched others go through things in this past month that make my trials look like tiny ant hills. They have truly humbled and inspired me. They have made my "why me" pity parties seem so silly.

This post is just kinda rambly. I was just struck by so many emotions when I looked at that picture again today and remembered all that has happened this past month. I was hurting really bad the night this picture was taken, but I felt a lot of peace in that simple moment of my husband by my side, holding my hand. The simple gesture has helped several times since. A lot of the time, when the pain resurfaces, there aren't any words to heal us. In those moments, he holds my hand and I remember again that we are going to be okay.