the truth about the past few months

I have worked on this post for a while. Writing a lot, deleting a lot, trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling, sorting through everything.. I have been honest with very few people in my life. For a long time, I wasn't even honest with myself. Now it's time to be.

As soon as we lost Madelyn, I put on the bravest face I possibly could. I was so much stronger than I thought I could be. It surprised many, including myself. I don't know where that strength came from, but it didn't last, despite what a lot of people thought. I remember laughing and joking in the hospital the day I gave birth. I was so sad, of course, but I was optimistic about my future and how I was going to be. My family commented on my strength. The hospital staff was amazed. I didn't mind seeing pregnant women or newborn babies. I remember telling Nathan we wouldn't let this destroy us. I felt this push within me to "get over" everything. I pushed and shoved so hard for the months after Madelyn's death, that by the time I hit September, I was exhausted, and I was defeated. Because despite my best efforts, I wasn't okay.

When school started up again is when I really felt to began to feel depressed. I had 3-4 months of moderate depression and about 3 weeks of what I like to call "the absolute worst days of my life." I was consumed in my depression. I cried basically all day except for when I was teaching. Lunch breaks were spent in my classroom crying. I cried all night. I hardly slept. I had no hope in my future. I literally could not see how I would ever be happy again. My poor, sweet husband, bless his heart, didn't know what to do with me. He is the strongest, most faithful, most patient, most optimistic person I know. Despite the heartache he felt, he knew we'd be okay and he realized how blessed we truly were. I couldn't see any of that. I have an incredibly wonderful life. I have food and shelter and the Gospel and an amazing husband and family. But none of that mattered to me. Nathan would hold me and list all the wonderful things we had to be happy about, and none of it penetrated past the stone wall around my heart. I couldn't even be distracted. I felt the pain and absolute misery in every second of every day.

I wouldn't say I was suicidal at all, but my thoughts became pretty morbid. I thought a lot about how it would be easier if I was dead. How if Nathan and I would just die now, we could go be with our baby and not have to be sad anymore. I realize how crazy that sounds, but I was not myself. I was broken. I had promised Nathan that losing Madelyn wouldn't destroy us, and here I was, utterly destroyed.

We began trying for another baby as soon as we could and we soon found out after months of nothing that I wasn't ovulating. The fact that I wasn't ovulating on top of my grieving is what really sent me into that dark place. Not that a new baby would have made the pain go away, but it certainly would have given me some hope in my future. After 5 months of irregular cycles, I called my doctor and found out she was booked and I would have to wait a whole month to see her. About a week before that appointment was when I first say glimpses of normal again. Meeting with my doctor gave me some hope and purpose again and I slowly came out of it.

I am definitely feeling more and more like myself every day. We are still working on that whole baby thing, but I feel a lot more hope and happiness. I still have my moments, believe me, and they come quite often sometimes. But I am no longer stuck in that disgusting hole. It feels like to be enjoying life again after so long.

I have had small bouts of moderate depression in the past and have battled anxiety my whole life, but I have never felt anything like I felt September-October. It gave me great respect for those who battle this disgusting disease for much longer than I had to. I can't describe what it's like to lay on your bathroom floor crying, just wishing God would take you off the Earth.

I don't do this post for sympathy or for people to throw any kind of pity-paty for me. It feels therapeutic to be open and truthful. I have had a lot of trouble blogging lately and I think it's because I wasn't being honest and I was trying to fake it. Now I feel like I am getting better, being honest, and having a break through. I am also toying with the idea of making my blog public again. I feel like I went private to hide from people, and I am sick of hiding. So if my posts flood your mini-feed, sorry!