a mushy work post

There's been so much going on in my life this past while, I haven't really talked about work in a long time. I want to make sure I do for my memory's sake, because this year has been wonderful.

Teaching is hard. It will always be hard. But I love it so freaking much. Being part-time and teaching 9th grade instead of 8th grade this year has been the biggest blessing I could have ever imagined. Last year, my second year of teaching, I had a rough start. My kids were lazy and unmotivated and I wasn't bonding with them the way I bonded with my kids my first year. I was frustrated. But the most amazing thing happened- as I let go of control of how I thought things should go and prayed to meet the needs of my kids, my love for them grew overnight. About halfway through the school year, these kids became part of my heart and soul. I loved them so much! They taught me that I needed to adjust to them instead of forcing them to meet the ideas I had of how they should learn. It's the most I have ever grown as a teacher. As I adjusted to meet their needs, they opened up to me. It was wonderful. When I lost the baby, they were my rock. They sent me cards and letters and gifts. When I came back to work they loved me and gave me purpose again. They cried with me and they supported me. I adore these kids. And now I get to teach them again this year. It has been wonderful. The only-teaching-half-the-day thing is just another perk.

These guys are my babies. I don't care that they are 15 and learning to drive and having to shave and 10 inches taller than me. I love them. And they love me. There's something amazing about getting to teach Resource and having such small classes. (My biggest class has 12 kids in it). I get to bond with, personally know, and love each student. I spend a lot of time meeting with their parents as well so I know their home life and background. They spend the majority of their day in my classroom. They are weird bunch, but they're mine. Over the course of the last year and a half together, we have established quite the routine. They joke that I can read their minds or predict what they're going to do before they do it. And I can, but only because I know them so well.

I was made for teaching. It gets hard sometimes when the behaviors and paperwork pile up, but it is so worth it! Just last week, an old student came from the high school to visit me. I had him my first and second year of teaching. That kid gave me Hell, but I loved him so fiercely. (It;s funny how the naughty ones are always the ones I love the most.) He sat in my room and talked and joked with me for a while and then told me how he was getting really good grades, all A's and B's. I was astonished and so proud. Then he said, "Yeah, I should be thanking you. You busted my ass so hard for two straight years, so everything after that seems easy!" I laughed so hard. But he told me he missed my class, and that he would be back soon to visit again. And then he left. It's so strange that there in front of me was a living, breathing piece of my heart that I hadn't seen in 8 months and then he just left again. I know as a mother that your children are literal pieces of your heart walking around outside your body. I know because I lost that piece of my heart 9 months ago and it's never coming back. But no one ever talks about how it is also true of teaching. Maybe not ever teacher gets it. My students are pieces of my heart, but they leave me. They walk around in the real world with their real parents and I pour my heart and soul into them and they leave. It's hard. But it's so rewarding to love like this. It helps feel the hole that gapes open where Maddie left.

Teaching has always been my passion, but I never knew it could heal me the way it has. I know that being in 9th grade this year was absolutely where I needed to be. I had to say goodbye to my baby last year, I don't know if I could have handled also saying goodbye to my 6-foot, loud, obnoxious, 15-year-old "babies" as well. It's been hard to sit and wait to be blessed with my own children, but these guys are keeping me company. Heavenly Father knew we needed each other. I am very lucky to have what I do.