2013 was so awful. I know I say that a lot, but it was the worst year of my life. I'm not trying to be dramatic. It just is what it is. I lost my first child just a few months into the year. Then I tried to pretend I was fine for everyone else. Then we learned I wasn't ovulating and went through month after month of no period and no positive pregnancy test. Then the fertility drugs wouldn't work. Then I fell into an awful depression. My baby was gone and I couldn't get another one. I blamed myself for Madelyn's death and blamed myself for not being able to get pregnant. I was in a really dark place. I don't want to ever go back there.
2014 started with me finally starting to feel kind of normal again. I decided to was time to move on. We packed up our 2-bedroom filled with sad memories and an empty nursery, and moved to a 1-bedroom in the suburbs.
The day before we moved I found out I was pregnant.
The next 9 months were filled with a roller coaster of emotions as I would go from ecstatic, to thinking there's no way I was actually pregnant, to depressed, to terrified, and then start all over.
We had scary things happen. There was fluid on her brain. There was the possibility of down syndrome. There was too much amniotic fluid. She was flipped the wrong way. Then the scary day at 38 weeks when she stopped moving and we went to the hospital to check on things and we left with a baby. (After a terrifying night of her heart rate dropping and then a c-section, of course).
I can honestly say that those 9 crazy months were worth it though. As well as the hard adjustment phase after she got here. I have never loved something more in my entire life. She is absolutely everything. She has brought so much joy to Nathan and I and has brought us closer together. We have waited for her and prayed for her for so long. She is undeniably worth every tear and every second of waiting.
But a baby wasn't the only thing that 2014 held for us.
We celebrated 2 years of marriage. We celebrated Madelyn's first birthday. We went on lots of trips to Idaho and California and Nevada.
I said goodbye to teaching after 3 amazing and incredibly hard years. I am still trying to reconcile it all. I miss my students every day. I miss that school and those halls and my coworkers and that feeling of really changing lives. I am so happy that we are blessed enough that I can stay home with Sadie, but teaching is what got me through those days while I waited for her. My students are the ones who healed my heart when Madelyn died. I have wanted to teach since I was a child and it was just as amazing as I thought it would be. The end was hard, but I think I went out on a high note. I sent my group of students that I had taught for 2 (some for 3!) years off to high school and I felt like I did my absolute best and I have every confidence that they will kick butt.
Nathan got a huge raise and a lot more responsibility at work. He started at the Berklee College of Music and absolutely loves it.
We taught Sunday school together, and I planned and attended Girls Camp at 24 weeks pregnant. I fell in love with those Young Women and luckily, I got called to be in there permanently with them.
We found an amazing opportunity for a brand-spanking-new basement apartment that would allow us to stay in our awesome ward. We moved in after a brief, and super sucky, stay in a rental home in Midway while renovations were finishing. We love it here. We love being in a neighborhood and out of stupid apartment complexes. We love how spacious and bright it is. We love having a little yard. And I finally get to decorate my nursery. And have a baby actually sleep in it.
The next 9 months were filled with a roller coaster of emotions as I would go from ecstatic, to thinking there's no way I was actually pregnant, to depressed, to terrified, and then start all over.
We had scary things happen. There was fluid on her brain. There was the possibility of down syndrome. There was too much amniotic fluid. She was flipped the wrong way. Then the scary day at 38 weeks when she stopped moving and we went to the hospital to check on things and we left with a baby. (After a terrifying night of her heart rate dropping and then a c-section, of course).
I can honestly say that those 9 crazy months were worth it though. As well as the hard adjustment phase after she got here. I have never loved something more in my entire life. She is absolutely everything. She has brought so much joy to Nathan and I and has brought us closer together. We have waited for her and prayed for her for so long. She is undeniably worth every tear and every second of waiting.
But a baby wasn't the only thing that 2014 held for us.
We celebrated 2 years of marriage. We celebrated Madelyn's first birthday. We went on lots of trips to Idaho and California and Nevada.
I said goodbye to teaching after 3 amazing and incredibly hard years. I am still trying to reconcile it all. I miss my students every day. I miss that school and those halls and my coworkers and that feeling of really changing lives. I am so happy that we are blessed enough that I can stay home with Sadie, but teaching is what got me through those days while I waited for her. My students are the ones who healed my heart when Madelyn died. I have wanted to teach since I was a child and it was just as amazing as I thought it would be. The end was hard, but I think I went out on a high note. I sent my group of students that I had taught for 2 (some for 3!) years off to high school and I felt like I did my absolute best and I have every confidence that they will kick butt.
Nathan got a huge raise and a lot more responsibility at work. He started at the Berklee College of Music and absolutely loves it.
We taught Sunday school together, and I planned and attended Girls Camp at 24 weeks pregnant. I fell in love with those Young Women and luckily, I got called to be in there permanently with them.
We found an amazing opportunity for a brand-spanking-new basement apartment that would allow us to stay in our awesome ward. We moved in after a brief, and super sucky, stay in a rental home in Midway while renovations were finishing. We love it here. We love being in a neighborhood and out of stupid apartment complexes. We love how spacious and bright it is. We love having a little yard. And I finally get to decorate my nursery. And have a baby actually sleep in it.
As I re-read those words I still don't feel like they come anywhere close to conveying how incredible and awesome and emotional and terrifying 2014 was. But those are the 4 adjectives I would use to sum it up.
Emotional
Terrifying
Incredible
Awesome
Thanks 2014.
2015, I am okay if you want to be a little less dramatic.
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