Madelyn's Story

Madelyn Rose Merkley was born on Saturday, April 13th, 2013 at 7:30am 

 She was 3lbs 13oz. 

17 and 1/2 inches long. 

She was a perfect angel. 

She had already passed away a few days before, but she is my daughter, and she deserves a story.
Even if it is a hard story to tell. 

I was 34 weeks along when I realized I wasn't feeling Madelyn as much anymore. She had been incredibly active in the past and I thought this was strange. Many people assured me that this was normal. That she had gotten so big that there was little room to move around. I tried to tell myself this over and over, but my anxiety got too great and Nathan and I headed to the hospital on Thursday after work. 

I knew almost instantly that she was gone.The nurse looked for the heartbeat and couldn't find it. She told me that it might just be the machine, but I knew. She got out the ultrasound machine and looked around for a while telling us nothing. I didn't want to hear what I felt I knew, so I didn't ask any questions and she left to go grab a doctor. It was the doctor who confirmed had been my greatest fear. 

"It looks as if, for some reason, this baby didn't make it." 

 I will probably never forget those words or the feelings that washed over me. They called my doctor and left us alone. I cried like I have never cried in my entire life. Nathan is not a crier. I have not seen him cry since the night before he left on his mission, but he cried like I've never seen. We held each other and cried for a good 20 minutes. There was nothing else I could think of to do. 

After the tears slowed, we talked about what comes next. It was there on that little hospital bed that we made a decision. 

"Do we let this ruin our lives? Do we let this consume us?" 

We decided we weren't going to. 

We would grieve. We would cry. We would be sad. But we would not let it consume us. We would focus on the bigger picture. We have the Gospel. We have the Plan of Salvation. We knew we were sealed together forever, and she was sealed to us. We know all things happen for a reason and we know that our little girl was much better off than we were. She was with her Father in Heaven. She was happy. And we would be okay. 

My doctor joined us and she cried with us. We got our questions answered. We made some decisions. We would go home that night and try to sleep. We would come back to the hospital and I would be induced and deliver the baby. We were left alone again. We told my mom first. She immediately started planning her trip out here. My mom is the greatest mom. Your argument is invalid. 

The next few hours were spent driving around Salt Lake because we didn't want to go home, wandering Walmart, and telling more family members. Word spread fast and our phones were blowing up within an hour with words of comfort and peace. We know some really amazing people. Seeing the nursery when we got home was hard. We held each other and cried in her room for quite a while. It was hard to know the room we spent so long preparing and decorating, would never be lived in by the occupant it was intended for. 

We tried to eat and tried to sleep. Neither were too effective. When we finally gave up on sleeping, we got ready and left for Kneaders. I needed a huge meal because I wouldn't be allowed to eat during labor and my doctor informed me that it could take as long as 48 hours. I didn't think I would be able to eat, but I polished off my breakfast. 

We got to the hospital and everyone working there already knew. I was keeping it together until the first worker we talked to said "Hi," in the most sympathetic voice I had ever heard. And then the tears started. They carried on for a while. We were checked in, taken to our room, and told how the process would work. They hooked me up to some machines and found that I had already started contractions on my own. My body had figured out this baby inside me needed to get out. It was a tender mercy to know I wasn't starting from ground zero. I was given a suppository and they continued to monitor me. Nathan gave me a beautiful blessing and we really felt peaceful. 

My wonderful little sister, Jessica, showed up soon after we got there. Her presence brought so much comfort and she helped lighten the mood. It was perfect. We hung out and waited and I got checked several times and then my mom's plane landed. Nathan picked her up and grabbed some lunch and we found out I progressing very little. I was given another suppository and there was more waiting. My mom and Jessica saved us that day. I actually enjoyed myself and we had a lot of fun just talking and hanging out. Jessica was my special bathroom helper and wheeled my IV over to the bathroom with me every 20 minutes. 

Late in the afternoon, my doctor came. I can't tell you how wonderful she is. She brought us the sweetest, most thoughtful gift. She wanted to do all she could to help me progress. She decided to break my water and give me an epidural because my contractions were going to get pretty intense, but it would still be a long time before I delivered. She also got me some food even though the anesthesiologist said no food. She is awesome. 

At this point my nurses changed and I believe another tender mercy was the nurse that was assigned to me for the night. Her name was Brooke. She looked like Reese Witherspoon. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met. Just a few years back she went through the exact same thing. She lost a little girl in utero at 36 weeks. She had named her Laura. Her story was comforting to know I wasn't alone. She took such great care of me. I am so thankful for her. 

 My sweet brother-in-law joined us and we watched some Friends and talked some more. I was started on pitocin and as it got later and later we realized it was not happening that day. Jessica and Marshall went back to our apartment to sleep. Nathan and I got some alone time. He slept on the floor next to my bed that night and held my hand all night. He is my rock. My sweet mother also slept in the room on the little couch. I tried sleeping but had to be woken up every hour to be monitored. Looking over to see those two here with me meant the world. I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. At 630am I woke up to very, very painful contractions. I tried to wait them out but they were incredibly intense and coming every minute. I had to call my nurse and she had my dose upped on my epidural. She decided since she was there that she would check me again. I wasn't expecting much. I was preparing to be there for a whole new day of waiting. When she told me I was ready to deliver I was shocked. Nathan and my mom quickly woke up, we turned the lights on, Jessica and Marshall rushed over, and my doctor joined us. We had done so much waiting I had calmed down quite a bit, but then I got nervous. It was time. I was going to have to do this. Nathan was right at my side. Jessica and my mom wanted to stay as well. They wanted a chance to meet Madelyn. 

 It only took a few minutes to get everything set up and before I knew it, they were telling me to push.

Delivery was very easy. I had my sweet nurse coaching me and my amazing doctor bringing my baby into into this world with tears streaming down her face. 3 or 4 pushes and she was out. They laid her immediately on my stomach and I got the first look at my little girl. I was worried at first about seeing her. Originally, I said I did not want to see her. I wanted them to take her away so I didn't have to face it. I am so glad I didn't do that. They wrapped her up in a blanket and placed her in my arms. I thought I would not feel connected to her since she was not alive, but I was wrong. All those things that people tell you you will feel the first time you hold your child, I felt. I fell in love with her. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had the most perfect lips. She was so tiny. I noticed immediately that she had my nose. She was a little piece of me and a little piece of my Nathan and she was 100% perfect. I could have stared at her forever. 

 Nathan sat with us and we took turns holding her. Watching Nathan hold our baby girl is an image I will cherish forever. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, but he was smiling. He told me later he was feeling the same things I felt- overwhelming love for this angel. We got some pictures of her alone and some pictures of us with her. Pictures seemed creepy at first, but I am so glad we have them. They aren't anything I would ever share with the world. They are personal and very special to me. We won't look at them often to obsess about what we lost, but they are a beautiful keepsake of our beautiful daughter. 

Jessica and my mom took turns holding her and Marshall joined her to meet his niece as well. Then they left Nathan and I alone with our girl. We told Madelyn how much we loved her. Nathan said a beautiful prayer. It was the most precious time. We held her and talked and decided we were ready to say goodbye. Everyone came back in and we said goodbye to her one last time. People asked if holding her was hard. I can say that holding her was not hard at all. Watching her leave was. 

They started cleaning me up and preparing me to change rooms. My mom went home to shower and rest and Jessica and Marshall needed to head back to Provo. Nathan and I moved rooms and were finally able to eat. We watched the movie "Big" while people came into check me and my epidural slowly wore off. A few hours later, they said we could go if we wanted to. I really, really wanted to get out of the hospital. We got my pain prescriptions and lugged all our stuff down to the car. We had wonderful people send beautiful flower arrangements to the hospital while we were there. Thank you all so much. They cheered up some very sad rooms. 

Really I should be thanking everyone. I cannot begin to explain the love and peace and comfort that the words, phone calls, emails, messages, gifts, and prayers have brought to us. We could not have made it through this weekend without them. We have the most incredible people in our lives. The outpouring of love was overwhelming and touched us so much. So thank you, thank you, thank you. A million, billion times over. We could not have born this all without you. 

We are doing okay. The emotions come and go in waves and I know it will be that way for a while. Sometimes I feel a lot of strength and peace. Other moments are not as easy. I will say that leaving the hospital without a baby was incredibly hard. Giving up the plans we had made was, and is, very hard. Life as we know it has not changed much, but the future we planned has changed drastically, and that's a pill that is hard to swallow some moments. I still reach to rub my belly out of habit. It's hard to not have her with me. She has been my constant companion these past 8 months and I miss her. That's what's been hard about being home now; we miss her. We miss her every moment, and probably always will. 

 Blood tests were run on me and nothing was found to be the cause of her death. My doctor believes it was most likely the cord. She said there is often no answer, these things just happen. I feel that way about so many things in life - there is no answer. At least for now. I know that what we go through in this life often seems unfair. It's so easy to give into the, "why me?" It's so easy to concede to that darkness and bitterness. I feel myself teetering there some moments. 

"From time to time, our lives may seem to be touched by darkness... nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Jesus Christ. I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed." 

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

That's the only reason I have survived thus far - my Savior. He is the rock when everything else has crumbled. Nathan and I have leaned on each other and leaned on Him and I know that we can make it though. Our darkness will not last, but the love of our Savior will. I know that Madelyn is with him again. I know the beauty of what comes after this life supersedes anything found on this Earth. I have faith that there was a reason for all of this. All of our trials have meaning and lessons if we care to look for them. 

 “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.” 

-Richard G. Scott 

Things are hard right now and will be for a while, but I know we will be okay. We will go on. Madelyn will stay with us forever, and one day, I will get to be with her again. 

"Some people come into our lives and quickly leave. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."