real talk

I'm experiencing a lot of emotions today. A plethora if you will. So bare with me. One of the best ways for me to process emotion is to write it out. Please know I am not asking for advice or sympathy. More just venting my feelings.

Last night I had stressful dreams. Dreams about work- not teaching the kids enough, not finishing my paper work, being too uncomfortable to stand all day and have the energy to teach, leaving. Dreams about family- not getting to spend enough time with them this weekend when they're in town, them moving. Dreams about baby- not having things ready, painful labor. It was a rough night. Plus that whole peeing every few minutes thing.

Spring break ended yesterday. I had kinda let myself not think about the big life changes coming until this point, because spring break was kind of like a wall stopping them from happening. Now it's over. Now there's nothing in the way. In 6 weeks I leave my job and a few days later my baby is due and then my family moves across the world. All these things are going to happen. No vacation is going to stop that.

 I am being honest when I say that I am completely stoked out of my mind to get this baby here. But just this week, I became terrified of labor. I guess it's more fear of the unknown. I know things will be okay, but I'm a control freak. I would like to know EXACTLY how they will be okay. Down to the tiny details. I'm more than ready to be a mom, but this whole pushing a baby out of me thing is what's keeping me from feeling prepared. I have a very low (embarrassingly low) pain tolerance. I am the world's biggest wuss, and I've heard this whole giving birth thing is kinda a big deal. I wasn't scared at all until just this past week. As my due date draws nearer, people seem to think it's a good time to share labor horror stories with me. Even strangers. In the middle of Sunday School lessons. I am not sure why they think this is a good idea.

Leaving work is going to be hard as well; for several reasons. I worked really, really hard to become a teacher and that small, working-lady, kinda selfish part of me really reveled in the success I had in my chosen field. It's also a rewarding job most days. I love helping kids. I love watching them learn. I love special ed. It's a fantastic place to be. I have dreamed of being a special ed teacher since I was 14-years-old. I will miss my wonderful coworkers and the adult interaction I got everyday. I'll miss the paycheck. I'm a teacher, so it obviously wasn't huge, but Nathan and I have lived very comfortably the past year. Selfishly, that's hard to give up. I know I'm leaving this calling for an even more important, rewarding, and beautiful one. This is what I want and what I have dreamed of my whole life, but it's hard to feel that right now when everything is changing. There is also so much I need to do before work ends. IEPs, sub planning, filing, phone calls, meetings, packing up my classroom, lesson plans, even more meetings, not to mention just teaching. I love teaching, but it's exhausting even when I'm not pregnant. Staying on my feet, talking literally all day, and having the energy to keep up with behaviors is getting harder and harder as my stomach gets bigger and bigger.

I also feel stressed because after the baby comes, my family leaves. I have definitely come to terms with the fact that this move is the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. My parents bought a house in England and put their current house on the market this weekend and I think that's adding to my anxious feelings. I realized that after we bless the baby this June, I won't see my parents and brother until Christmas. For some people that might seem normal. For me.. It's terrible. I have never gone more than a couple months without seeing my family, and even then, I at least knew they were a road trip away. Now they are a 10 hour, thousand dollar flight with a baby away. It's all very overwhelming when I think about it.

Spring break was Heaven. Now it's over and real life is back full force; hitting me in the face with all these fears and worries. (Hormones aren't helping). Again, no need for advice and sympathy. I am actually feeling a lot better after just typing this all out. The only constant is change. I've always know that. Nathan and I had a very smooth, easy first year of marriage. I should have known some big changes were heading our way! Amid all the anxiety and fear is so much excitement. Life isn't fun if it's always the same. Plus.. I get to have a baby. A freaking baby you guys!! A piece of me and a piece of Nathan that is ours forever! And we get to go to England! They have Harry Potter there. And cool accents. Change is good. Scary, but good. Now someone keep reminding me of that for the next few months and I should be set.