back at it

Back to school
Back to school
To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool
I got my lunch packed up
My boots tied tight
Hope I don't get in a fight
Please tell me you know what this is from

Yeah but seriously, I went back to work on Monday. Also, I am documenting all these details for my own sake. This has the potential to be a very boring post to others.

I was super nervous to go back. I was afraid I'd be a mess and just cry in font of my students and I would make my ugly cry face and they would all be disgusted and never be able to respect me again. That's what happens when most people see my ugly cry face.

But it's been amazing. Seriously, amazing. Such a breath of fresh at to be back at work, doing what I love to do and being around people I love. It's given me purpose and meaning again. I had almost forgotten what that was like! And I only cried in front of one student, and that was not my fault. He was in my classroom early and Bustin (my work grandpa/favorite man/guy I teach science with) came walking in my room. I started crying as soon as I saw him, haha. He laughed and yelled, "I didn't even say anything yet!" I guess he just has that effect on people. The student just awkwardly pretended he didn't notice. Thanks, dude.

My coworkers are so amazing. I can't even begin to describe them. Being here the past two years has been such a joy, due largely to them. When I let my administration know about what happened, my principal immediately contacted HR and got me 6 weeks of leave (I obviously only used two) and also talked with them about reversing my resignation and so I could come back to work next year. She is also the one who arranged it so I could come back part time instead of full time. My department head (who is basically my work momma) covered my classes the first day and then got me a sub and made sub plans for my reading classes so I didn't have to. She also called or texted me every day of my leave to check in on me and brought us yummy dinners. My whole department chipped in and bought me the most beautiful locket I have ever seen in remembrance of Madelyn.

My team at work (the 3 teachers I co-teach with) are my family. You know about my grandpa Bustin, but Brady and Kimese are amazing too! They are more like a brother and sister to me than anything else. The 4 of us are all so close and work together so well. Although, our meetings usually consist of McDonald's and gossiping, so I am not sure how productive we actually are. They were so good to me when everything happened. They cried with me and supported and loved me. Kimese, who also teaches language arts, gave my sub all the materials she would need to cover my two weeks so I didn't have to come in and make plans. They made sure my kids were getting what they needed. I didn't even stress knowing who was taking care of my students. Kimese lost her dad exactly a week after we lost our baby. I cannot even imagine the pain she is going through, but she is back at work as well. We have experienced a lot together the past two years. Marriage, birth, death, illness. We have had some sad things happen, but we've supported and loved each other through it all. I know I am getting mushy here and you probably don't even care, but I didn't know coworkers could be family in this way. They took care of me. I am so thankful for that.

All my coworkers reached out to me in some way after they found out. Whether through email or cards or phone calls, they all made sure I knew I was being thought of and prayed for. Many of them stopped by my classroom that first day to say hi, and those are the only time I really felt emotional. I am telling ya, the teachers made me cry. The students made me laugh. I think 8th graders know how to handle emotional situations better than adults do.. haha.

One story in particular I want to document because it meant so much to me. Another coworker who is like a brother to me is Rodger. His classroom is next door to Brady's so I see him every day as I go to co-teach with Brady. Ever since he found out I was pregnant, he has called me momma instead of my name. And I have loved it, haha. I remember thinking that very morning how sad it was that Rodger wouldn't call me that anymore. Later in the day I was in Kimese's room before we left to grab lunch and Rodger came walking in. He instantly smiled at, hugged me and said, "Hey momma!"I lost my crap then. I cried, but in an almost happy way. He told me he wanted me to know I was still a mom, no matter what. Gosh I am crying just typing it. It was such a sweet gesture and meant so much to me.

Now my kiddies. Ohhhh those little turds. They were terrible for my poor substitute. There were several detentions and even a few suspensions while I was gone. How come no one can handle them??! I swear they aren't as terrible as they seem. To me they are squishy little sweethearts. Apparently the sub liked to yell and get angry. That's no way to deal with 14-year-old boys. Anyways, they were pretty excited to have me back. I got a warm welcome from each one of them. They all asked if I was okay, but other than that they treated me just like normal which I appreciate more than they will ever know. I hate being spoken to like I am fragile. They didn't do that. Before I knew it everything was right back to how it was before. I love these guys so much.

Several of them brought cards and flowers and cookies and even a painting! One boy painted me a picture of a pit bull. He told me he wanted to paint me something to hang in my room so everyone would know how tough I was. I laughed and told him how I didn't think I was very tough. He said, "Are you kidding me? You are so tough! You lost your baby and you came back to take care of other people's babies because we needed you. That's tough." Oh crap. Got the biggest lump in my throat and thanked him. Luckily I held it together until he left so we didn't have to deal with the ugly cry face situation I discussed earlier.

My kids from last year all came to visit me too. A few of them got emotional and my heart just about burst with love. It was so amazing to be back here with all these kids, both last year's students and this year's. To see these kids who believe in me and love me so much. I love them too. They can be my baby-fillers for the time being. I like taking care of them. And they don't realize it, but they take care of me too.

If you can believe it, this is a BOYS handwriting! Amazing, right?

So to sum all this mushyness up, being back at work has been incredible. It's exactly what I needed. To be surrounded by people who love me and care about me. To have a purpose to my day again. To be needed. To be helping and serving others. It's brought me back to myself and helped me be more hopeful about a happy future.