Memorial Day

I love days off work with Nathan.
We really took advantage of Memorial Day.
We crammed all of summer into one day!

We went on a lovely hike up in Big Cottonwood Canyon

We had a picnic lunch right on the river

We shopped at City Creek and got frozen yogurt.

We had a BBQ on our balcony.

Then we spent the rest of the afternoon/evening swimming. And headed to Rita's for dessert and drove around until the sun set.

It was the perfect day. I love this guy.

As the year winds down..

All my posts will probably be about my students and teaching for the next little whole. DEAL WITH IT.

School is basically over. I have all my IEPs and paperwork done. I have finished out teaching my curriculum. Next week is technically our last week, but the 9th graders only come for 3 of those days and one day is our yearbook party and another is the 9th grade field day. Soooo I still have to be at work, but teaching is done. It's weird. The last lesson I taught was yesterday. It was about the Hero's Journey and the 12 labors of Hercules. What a lesson to go out on. I'm totally going to make some deep connection about how this represents that I am a hero and tougher than Hercules. Man, I'm so cool.

Thursday night was the 9th grade awards. Each department gets to nominate a few kids to get awards. Then there's awards for GPAs and cool scholarships and stuff. I got to nominate 7 of my kids (1 kid couldn't come) for awards and present them to them. It was a proud moment. 

This last one was a really exciting one. I presented my student with the "most improved" award out of all the students in the school. This kid has kicked it into hear the last half of this year. I've had him for two years, and this quarter and last are the first times he has never gotten an F. Every quarter he has failed multiple classes. No for lack of intelligence, but for lack of motivation. But something happened this year, and I have never seen a kid work so freaking hard or be more proud of himself. The other day when he was looking over his grades he said, "I don't know what happened. I don't know why I now have decided to change. My parents don't care if I pass, and they aren't giving me any kind of reward. Something just clicked. I think I'm growing up!" And he definitely is.

Today I threw my class parties since there won't be time next week. I only give them this one party a year and it has to be earned. One class almost didn't make it, but squeaked through in the end. We had treats and I let them hang out. I told them I wanted pictures (they all know my picture obsession) and one guy took my phone for me and went around to take a bunch. There are already quite a few kids who have stopped coming to school (thanks for that parents!) so I am missing some from my group shots. Oh well!  I love these guys. We've become such a family. I'm really gonna miss them.

The 5th period party started when a boy asked to be duct taped to a chair..

And then amazed us all as he got out on his own

I love this picture because I caught them laughing at something I said. YOU GUYS! NO ONE WILL EVER THINK I AM AS FUNNY AS 9TH GRADE BOYS DO. We have a very similar sense of humor. I'm not ashamed.

Notice my friend in the back thinking he would skip out on the picture. GOT HIM.

Does this picture help you see why 5th period always gave me a headache? And we needed weekly visits from the school psychologist to talk about appropriate behaviors? 

8th period party was much calmer..

Kinda.

Can I do what teachers are not supposed to do and admit that although I love each of my kids very much, I totally have favorites? Please, we all have favorites. These are mine. My hardest kids are always my favorites. I taught them all for 2 years, and that guy in the middle was actually in the class that I student taught. So I got him for 2 and a half. They are the sweetest boys in the world. And I watched them grown from little kids to full blown almost-men. they love to goof off and have trouble doing what they should be doing, but they have the biggest hearts and they have a big place in mine.

My room is basically all packed up. My life for the past three years fits into a few crates and is ready to be stored for the next few years. So weird. I know I'll do one more post about leaving because I just have so many emotions. I'm sure you can hardly wait! I've gotta say, pregnancy hormones mixed with the emotions of leaving my job is making for some really fun times. Sorry, I meant dramatic; not fun.

halfway point check in

I am halfway to my baby!

20 weeks.
Technically I'm 20 and a half weeks. But who's counting?

The exciting thing is that they will induce me early since I'm high risk, so I am even more than half way! Yahhhooo!!!

We had our anatomy ultrasound this morning. They gave us some 4D video and pictures. I was stoked. These pictures and videos usually freak me out when I see other people's, but I loved mine. It made her seem so real. I loved watching her movements and getting to see her features. She kept rubbing her face and covering her eyes.

I have to say that this was an incredibly timed blessing. This past month or so as pregnancy is supposed to be getting really exciting, I found myself not getting excited and not feeling connected to the baby. I know this is normal after a loss, but I hated it. The heavy feelings were really starting to affect other areas of my life. Seeing her up on the screen and hearing that she was doing wonderfully really helped lighten my heart and I felt so much love for the little face up there on the screen. I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I'm feeling better. I will probably blog more about those emotions later.

It was so wonderful to see her and hear that everything looks exactly as it should. Yet, I still feel a lot of anxiousness because that's exactly what they said about Madelyn at this point. We had a consultation with a high risk doctor afterwards and she answered a lot of our questions and calmed some fears. I will go to her once a month for ultrasounds. When I hit 32 weeks, I will see her twice a week until I deliver. She will do stress tests and my ultrasounds will increase as well. I will have my normal doctor appointments on top of that. So I will be spending a lot of time at the doctor this summer, but I don't mind :) I will deliver with my normal doctor at the same hospital I delivered Madelyn at. They will most likely induce me at 38 weeks.

Overall, the second trimester so far has been soooo much better than the first. (Gosh, I freaking hate the first trimester with a passion). Here's the deets:

+ Very rarely get sick. Certain foods will make me nauseated, but I don't barf no mo!

+ Alllwwwaayyyss thirsty. I drink so much water. It's gotten to the point where I googled "water intoxication" the other day because I was worried that I was drinking too much. Don't worry, I'm good.

+ Sleeping like a champ. Surrounded by pillows and unconscious all night.

+ Peeing a lot less. I know that will come back when the baby gets bigger, but I am thankful for a break. She definitely loves to bounce on my bladder.

+ Pretty sure we named her. But we don't announce until the baby is born. Too many opinions and we could still change our minds. We usually tell close friends and family, but for some reason it really bugs me when people I hardly know, or even better- complete strangers, ask the baby's name.

+ Started feeling "flutters" and movement around 15-16 weeks. Way earlier than last time. Started feeling small kicks at 18 weeks. Nathan felt her for the first time that week too. Most of the time, her kicks aren't strong enough to be felt from the outside; but if she is in the perfect position, we can feel her! It's great. The kicks are getting stronger and a lot more frequent now. It's nice and reassuring.

+ Love to listen to her heartbeat on our Doppler, although I limit myself to maybe 2 times a week and only for a minute.

+ Up about 9 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. But I lost 5 pounds in my first trimester, so I have gained 14 overall.

+ Was able to start working out again. I didn't move a singe muscle all first trimester. I still don't do much, but I do 30 minute work outs at home, about 5 times a week.

+ Definitely showing a lot more. It's so crazy to compare to last pregnancy. I was about 20 weeks at Christmas with Madelyn. I was looking at those pictures and I was hardly showing at all. I was still all bloated and squishy. This time it's just like, BAM! My body definitely remembers what it's like to be pregnant. (Considering it was hardly a year ago, I am not surprised).

+ Don't really have "cravings." But I do love to eat cereal and string cheese. Any anything that is not healthy.

+ Having an aversion to lunch meat. I can't stand the way it smells and looks and feels.

+ She's very low. My stomach looks low and she usually kicks very low. I don't know if I just haven't completely "pooped" yet, or if I will just carry her low the whole time.

+ Sometimes I sneeze and pee my pants a little. Yep.

+ Speaking of that, I sneeze a ton! So random.

+ I also get the occasional bloody nose.

+ Been stretching my hips every night and so far, I haven't gotten that awful hip pain I had last time.

+ Having vvveerrrryyy vivid and weird dreams.

+ Sorted all our baby clothes from Maddie and realized we have enough newborn clothes to feed an army. (Don't worry, I realize it doesn't make sense). It seems that's all anyone wanted to buy us. I think it's because the tinier the outfit, the cuter. We are incredibly well stocked with clothing until she hits 6 months. Then we're screwed.

Here's some belly pictures. These have really all been taken within the last week or so. I haven't been very good at taking them, but it's not to fun to take pictures until you're bigger. So now I like it.

Here's a really short clip in 4D that I am sure you care so much about viewing. I am obsessed with watching it over and over. I just love the hand on the face!!!!

Happy my halfway point to you!

a letter to my students

Dear students past and present,

I am winding down my last few days of teaching. At least for a while. I can't comprehend that. These past 3 years have been the most trying, growing, and amazing years of my life. I have you guys to thank for much of that.

My first year kiddies, you will always be special to me because you were my first. I didn't know what I was doing, but you didn't mind. I quickly learned that what you really wanted was to be loved. And love you I did. I can remember the first time I took a sick day, and I missed you all terribly. The last 4 months of Nathan's mission were incredibly hard, and I am not sure I could have survived without you guys. You kept me laughing and kept me busy. Ohhh so busy. You were my year of behavior problems. I was often escorting some of you from class to class. Or harboring you in my classroom all day because you forgot your ADHD medicine and couldn't control yourself. You taught me love. You taught me what it truly meant to be a teacher. It's not about test scores, especially in resource. It's about progress. It's about love. It's about respect. It's about helping someone. You taught me just as much as I taught you. I will always be grateful that I had the worst behavior problems during my first year of teaching. Trial by fire, I say :) You taught me behavior management in a way that can only be learned by being thrown into the lion's den. But I just loved you guys to freaking pieces. It means so much when you come back to visit me. And it's fun to accept your Facebook requests, even though I put you on my restricted list :) I have loved watching you grow up. I will always love you guys. You were my only kids to know me as "Ms. Graff" and it's for that reason I had a hard time letting it go. It's weird to hear Graff now, unless it comes from you guys. You're the only ones who get the privilege of calling me that. It's special coming from your mouths.

My twinsies.

Proof that 90% of my students were boys. Only 1 girl in this particular class. She looks mean but I swear she's the sweetest.

The 3 main sources of my stress.. :)

3 of my 6 female students that year. They kept me sane :)

My second year was an interesting start. I didn't connect with you guys so instantly the way I had with my first year. It was strange. And I was frustrated. But as the months passed, I realized I was falling in love with you. You taught me that the problem wasn't really with you, but it was with me. It was humbling to realize that maybe my attitude needed to change. As soon as it did, you guys came flooding into my heart and never left. You counted down the weeks with me until Madelyn was born, and your hearts broke with mine when it all unexpectedly ended. I was so touched by how affected you were. The way you guys loved me and cared for me is something that makes me emotional to this day. I hate that you guys had to experience loss and sadness, but the bond it brought to us is something not too many teachers and students get to experience together. You guys gave me a purpose again. I dreaded returning to work. Every teacher I talked to just made me cry. But you guys made me laugh. Somehow, you knew just what I needed. I needed you guys. Thank you for being my babies while I was so desperately missing my own. You'll never understand what that meant to me.

Easily one of my favorite cards I got from my students. This boy was and is one of my biggest behavior problems. But he has a heart of gold. Translation with correct spelling/grammar: "I want to tell you that I am sorry for what happened. And if you got my first letter the JK part was supposed to make you laugh. And you are the best teacher ever. Your baby loves you for trying to bring her here to this world. She would be happy to see your face. You are a good mom for that baby and she loves you."

2 girls in my 5th period class this year

He promised to take me to the Grammy's when he's a professional rapper

Year three, I got to teach the same group as last year again! I was happy to see how excited you all were. I knew when the chance came to change grades, it was something I needed to do. I am so glad I did it. I wasn't done teaching you guys yet, and you weren't done teaching me. This was a big year of ups and downs for me. You guys didn't know, but I spent September-November in a very dark, depressed place. I would cry all morning, teach you, cry during lunch, teach you some more, then cry all night. Though it sounds bleak, you guys were often one of the few sources of light. Sometimes it was hard to force a smile, but having you guys gave me a reason to force it. A reason to be happy. A purpose. I know that I would have had a much harder time teaching a brand new group of kids. I am so glad I got to have you guys again. I am so glad I got to watch you grow over the course of two years. It amazes me the young men and women you have turned into. I am proud of each and every one of you. It's hard for me to think about not being your teacher anymore. I won't lie, I have cried a few times over it. But you know this. You guys know how much I love you. I tell you all the time and you laugh. But I know you love me too. This last year and a half has been hard. But I couldn't have done it without you.

THREE girls in my 5th period this year!

Person who did wall sits the longest got to go to lunch early..

How many 9th graders does it take to tie a tie..

Basically, I love you guys. You guys taught me how to love. You gave me the first glimpses of what it might be like to be a mother. You make me want to be a mother. I am so proud of you guys. All of you. I think about you all often and pray that life will treat you well. It's scary to send you guys off. I think about my first year kids and how you guys will be juniors this year. Then you're gonna graduate! I can't wait to go and watch that happen. Living life as a "resource" kids puts a mark on you. But you guys have never let that define you. It means so much to watch you all turn into little adults and good people. I hope you are successful and happy and whole. I hope as you move forward in life, you keep learning and growing and loving. And I hope someone always loves you back now that I won't be with you every day, showing you how loved you are. I think that's my biggest hope for you all in life-

That there will always be someone there to love you.

Love always,
        Ms. Graff, Ms. G, Mrs. Merkley, Mrs. Merkels