Return to Zero

This weekend I watched the movie "Return to Zero" on Lifetime. I have actually known about this movie for over a year, but it as having trouble getting released. I am so glad it got picked up!! It's a movie about a women who loses her son at 38 weeks. It then chronicles her and her husbands journey dealing with the pain and slowly recovering. It was very well done.

When I told people about this, everyone acted like I should stay far away from it. That bothers me a tiny bit, but not everyone is in my situation so let me explain. Stillbirth is not insanely common, and third trimester is even less so. When I had my stillbirth, I knew very few people who I could talk to who could relate to me. All of the women I knew who had had one, had them decades ago. It wasn't the same. I felt very, very alone. I even scoured the internet trying to find examples of famous people who had them. (Once again, found almost nothing. Except that Keanu Reeves' girlfriend had one in the 90's) That sounds weird, but I felt isolated. I felt like the odd one out. Everyone acted like pregnancy was so easy. You got pregnant. You waited. You had a baby. Done. I was the weirdo whose body couldn't keep her baby alive. It was great when I found a couple blogs of women who had been through what I had. But again, I was surprised how few options there were. In fact, most of the blogs I do follow are from women who have had miscarriages, not stillbirths. Miscarriages are still losses and they are still awful; but they are different than a stillbirth. It was so hard to find anyone to relate to.

When you watch TV and movies, this topic is never addressed. Miscarriage and infertility often are, and I think that's great! We need to raise awareness on these issues. But when I heard about Return to Zero, I did some googling about stillbirth in tv and film and came up with nothing. (If you know of examples, please share!) It kind of broke my heart. It made me feel even more like a weirdo. Something bad happened to me, but we shouldn't talk about it. It shouldn't be addressed. It's too sad. It's best to ignore. It didn't help that at the time, my ward was completely ignoring what had happened. A couple people reached out to me, which I am so thankful for, but for the most part, they pretended it didn't happen. No calls or cards or well wishes. They ignored me, like I shouldn't be touched. Losing my baby made me scary. It made me abnormal. It's like people avoided me because they were scared I was a contagious baby-killer. I was so isolated from the world. It was a horrible, horrible feeling.

Needless to say, I was so excited when this movie came out. I have so much respect for the writes, actors, and producers for tackling such a hard, emotional, and taboo subject. It is a true story based on one of the writer's experiences. It makes me happy to see him getting his message out there. Stillbirth is not as uncommon as everyone thinks. And it's one of the most devastating things that can ever happen. We should not have to be swept under the rug just because this is a hard subject for people to talk about. That's not fair. I also don't think there is anything wrong with me being excited to watch this movie. I wasn't excited for the pain and memories it would evoke, but that pain helps me heal. Seeing that I am not alone helps me heal even more.

So anyways, back to the movie. I really enjoyed it. I think everyone should check it out. I am going to share my list of thoughts so there will obviously be spoilers. Read on if you wish.

+ The first 20 minutes was the hardest part. It's when she loses the baby. It was all very similar for me. She hadn't felt him much and was worried so she went in. The nurse couldn't find the heart so she brings in the doctor with the ultrasound machine. That was the worst feeling ever. I have no idea how long that women looked at my baby with the ultrasound. It felt like a million years because I was just waiting for her to confirm what I already knew- my baby had died.

+ I hated that she was alone when she found out. I can't imagine if I had been alone. I am so thankful Nathan went with me.

+ The hospital scenes were hard to watch too. Luckily, I had Nathan, my sister, and my mom with me, so it wasn't as lonely. And our room was much bigger. But just the looks on their faces were so relatable and made my heart ache. Being in that hospital room is supposed to be the most exciting day of you life. The pain you go through in there is supposed to be worth it in the end. It's so hard to go through the ups and down of labor, knowing that you don't get to bring a baby home; knowing that the room won't be filled with newborn screams. Just silence.

+ It was interesting to see her deal with her grief in a much different way than I did. She was outwardly mad and vocal about her pain all the time. I kept it all tucked in and pretended I was fine. Would have been nice to find the balance between those two.
+ One thing we both had in common was an "obsession" with death. I don't mean I loved death. I mean that I became so hyper-aware and paranoid of it. Death hit my family out of no where, and I realized it could happen at any time. Not the happiest thoughts, but it's how it is. Any time I was apart from Nathan, I was constantly stressed that he was going to die. I remember Cory Monteith from Glee died a few weeks about Madelyn did and I was so upset and distraught over it. Death became so real.
+  I hated that their marriage suffered so much. They both clearly deal with things so differently and their was no communication. I am so thankful we didn't have a story like that.
+ I wish I could have seen more of how she dealt with her next pregnancy. They went quickly over that. But I could see that she didn't want to do everything the same as last time. I sometimes panic that is I do the same kinds of things that I did last time, that I will lose this baby too. It sounds silly, but what can ya do!
+ When she gave birth to her next baby she didn't feel happy or connected at first. I worry all the time about that happening to me.

All in all I think it was a wonderful interpretation and example of what happens when a family loses a child to stillbirth. I think it's important for more people to understand it.