on being pregnant for 2 years

I got pregnant with Madelyn at the end of August 2012.

So in a few weeks here, I will be approaching 2 years of pregnancy (obviously with that gap where I was getting pregnant with the second one) with no baby in my arms. 

Do you know how bad it sucks to be pregnant this long, and still not have a baby here?

It sucks butts guys. Big, fat butts.

Even in those months where I wasn't pregnant, I was obsessively trying to get pregnant.

All the while, my body recovered from the first pregnancy. 

All I've thought about for years is being a mom, and I feel like I have been making this baby for 2 years.

I AM SO READY TO BE UNPREGNANT.

Please excuse me as I half-jokingly, half-seriously type out my emotions in hopes it makes me feel better.

This post might be all over the place. Because my brain is these days.

DEAL WITH IT.

Nathan and I plan on having our kids close together, so I know that over the next few years, I really am going to be pregnant A LOT. But hopefully I will be getting a kid at the end of 9 months instead of at the end of 2 years. This waiting game has been insane. Nathan and I feel like we have been in a constant test of patience since we met. Maybe we are being prepared for something. Who knows? But I knew I wanted to marry Nathan 3 months after we started dating. I had to wait 4 years before I actually got to do it. And 2 of those years we only got to talk through letters! Imagine yourself with the love of your life, ready to get married. Okay. Now say goodbye for two years. Imagine yourself weeks away from giving birth and so excited to meet your little baby. Okay. Now say goodbye for your entire life. I am not trying to get sympathy here, I promise, just venting frustrating emotions that have been building up. I'm sure pregnancy hormones have just a tiny bit to do with it. I am trying to be patient here, but I kinda feel like I've become very good at being patient. So why do I have to keep learning patience? Come on, man. Cut a girl some slack!

This is all just snowballing from a hormonal breakdown last night. First of all, pregnancy hormones are just the pits guys. And I don't ever use that expression. Because it's a stupid expression. It all started when I thought it would be fun to do a picture comparison of myself when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Madelyn, to being 30 weeks pregnant now. Well, it wasn't so fun. I gained hardly any weight with Maddie. I had a perfect shaped bump and always felt soooo cute. It's been a struggle this pregnancy. All the books say the second pregnancy is different. Your body has already stretched out once. It ain't gonna stretch out all pretty and tight the second time! I was also a tiny bit heavier when I started this pregnancy, and my body was still no where near back to normal from my first pregnancy. It's totally normal that my body is not gonna be the same! Does that change the way I felt? NO BECAUSE I AM A CRAZY PREGNANT LADY AND YOU JUST NEED TO SHUT UP!

To be honest here, the pictures weren't even that different. There were a few areas where I could see the differences, but it wasn't awful. I just wanted to feel cute. But mostly I just wanted to be unpregnant. I am tired of waiting for a little baby to take care of. You guys know I love my cat so much, but I am tired of pretending that she's my child. She's a cat. She won't even let me breastfeed her. Just kidding. She does.

But really, it all just hit me at once and I threw a little pity party for this "waiting" thing that seems to be the theme of my life. What a stupid life theme. Can't the theme for my life be "winning"? Or "instant gratification"? Or "cake and ice cream"?

Obviously I understand that's not how life work, and I just needed a reminder of one of my biggest pet peeves: When people think their blessings should be exactly the same as other peoples'. I have encountered this several times in my life, and it's been frustrating. EXAMPLE: I am blessed with a very easy, romantic, fun, and fulfilling marriage. Nathan and I have never struggled with our relationship across our 8 years together with nothing more than the occasional argument. (Like the one I started last night just because I was grumpy and he kept telling me how pretty I am. The jerk). I am not saying this to brag. It's just one way that my life is blessed. I have had people mad at me, literally mad at me, because my relationship is easy and fun. It's always bothered me, because Nathan and I have suffered a lot. Not in our relationship, but in outside trials. *coughmissionandlosingourbabycough* Lots of other people have no problem having babies or get to get married just a few months after meeting. So they have those blessings and I have other ones. This is a soapbox of mine because I have encountered some very bitter people who somewhat resent me because of my relationship. So when I realized that I was forgetting about this pet peeve of mine last night, and was actually doing that one thing that bugs me, I felt a little guilty. Yes, I have to wait for things I want really, really bad. Mostly, I have to wait for people I love. But how lucky I am to have people that I love so much!

So after my hormonal breakdown and being grumpy and complaining that my life is so hard and I am tired of waiting and I am so fat and blahh blahh blahhhhhh, I realized how silly I was being. I was still sad, but I tried to just focus on the good as I fell asleep. And then I dreamed a dream.. In time gone byyyy, when hope was high and life worth living. Okay but seriously, I had a dream.

I dreamed about my baby.

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal to some people. I know a lot of people dream about their babies all the time, but I never have. When I was pregnant with Madelyn I wanted to dream about her so bad! When I lost Madelyn, I wanted it so much I would pray for it. Every night. I just wanted to see her. It was a blessing I was not granted, and sometimes it still hurts. When I got pregnant with this little lady I wanted to dream about her too, but figured I wouldn't. I have gotten somewhat jealous when I hear people dreaming about their kids, but I have kind of forgotten about it over this pregnancy. Last night I saw her. I gave birth to her and held her and breastfed her and took lots of pictures of her and kissed her and snuggled her and loved her. I even NAMED her in my dream! (It's one of the names on our list.. we'll see if this is the one that sticks). Nathan was there with me. We were so happy. So in love. She had a lot of hair and had the cutest little face. We took her home and she met my mom and sisters and I took pictures of them all together and I was so happy. It felt so real. I woke up and tried to look for the pictures on my phone. I'm not kidding. It was such a beautiful, tender mercy.

I have had to wait for some things in my life. And while I am a big whiner and will never hesitate to remind you that it sucks butts, I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Those things I have to wait for, always turn out to be worth it. So maybe I have to feel chubby and gross for a while. Maybe I have to spend two years waiting for a baby. Maybe my hormones are raging out of control, but there's a purpose behind it all. And if giving birth to and meeting my little girl is anything close to how amazing that dream was (which I know it will be that times 80 billion), I am one lucky, lucky girl. Might as well change the theme of my life to "awesome."

30 and a half weeks and proud! Can't wait to meet you, little lady.