pregnancy after stillbirth pt. 5

BOOM. Just like that, the pregnancy is almost over. I can't believe it's almost time to meet this little girl. I can't believe it's been 9 months. I can't believe how crazy it's all been. I am going to try to get all my thoughts out in a manner that flows and makes sense. But keep in mind, I have pregnancy brain. And a lot of emotions.

It was hard surviving the "scary weeks" but I felt so relieved afterwards. It's like that's when I was finally able to really connect with this baby. I started to get so excited! We finally named her. I felt like she had a distinct personality different from Madelyn's. I let go of a lot of fear. But that also meant letting go of a lot of Madelyn.

I have been paranoid and worried this pregnancy. At times, it kept me from fully enjoying it. It didn't help that weird and random things kept happening.
Really bad pain in my ovaries: Just some little cysts. 

Too much fluid in the brain: After thousands of dollars in testing, it turned out to be nothing.

Strange heart accelerations: After hours of being hooked up to a machine, it turned out to be nothing.

Too much amniotic fluid: After a thorough ultrasound, it turned out to be nothing.

Not to mention or continually flipping from breech to transverse to head down and back again.

Seriously?

As if this pregnancy wasn't stressful enough.

It always makes me laugh because I have very easy pregnancies physically. I am still in very little to no pain at almost 38 weeks. I sleep fine. (when I don't get insomnia) We still go on several mile long walks. I don't get heartburn. I don't throw up- not even in the first trimester. My bump grows right on schedule. My weight gain is always right on schedule. I don't get swollen. I have felt only 3 Braxton hicks contractions ever. Never had any nerve pain. I don't get the classic pregnancy symptoms. But all the weird, random things happen to me! Come on babies! Give me a break.

But after we had a good ultrasound and we got our induction date, all the ups-and-downs of this pregnancy faded and I just felt excited. All the fear during the beginning of this pregnancy kept my mind on Madelyn. I was too scared to get too attached to this new baby. But now, I am more attached than I could ever imagine. And I've been missing Maddie less and less.

When I realized this, my heart broke. It should be a good thing! Moving forward; letting go of fear. But it terrified me to forget her or lose her in any way. I felt her slipping away from me and I hated it, but I didn't want to go back to the sad and paranoid Kaitlin. It's a double-edged sword. And it sucks.

But a few experiences this week have taught me that while it is time to move on and let go, I don't have to lose Madelyn. And I never will! I am going to get a little personal in sharing this experience, but I feel like I should. So here it is!

We have temples in my religion, and every time a new one is opened, we have a special church meeting where it is dedicated and some of our church leaders speak to us. This past weekend, the temple in Ogden was dedicated. I am so glad we went to the 1 PM session, because I heard exactly what I needed to hear. Dear, sweet President Eyring spoke about the blessings of temples and eternal families. This is obviously a doctrine very near and dear to my heart, and I was already feeling the spirit and feeling closer to Madelyn. Then I watched as he got very choked up; more emotional than I have ever really seen an apostle. I started to wonder what he was going to say that had him so emotional. He then shared that in the Ogden graveyard, is the grave for a sweet granddaughter he has that he never got to hold in this lifetime. The tears immediately spilled from my eyes and I felt as if Maddie was right there with me. It's the closest I have felt her in months. He shared how happy he was to know that he would one day get to hold her and know her and love her. I knew right then that Madelyn is my daughter, and nothing is going to change that. No matter how much time passes or how many kids I have or even if I go a little while without thinking about her. She is mine and I am hers and we will be together forever. I got the sense that she was very busy with work of her own, and that she was happy that I was moving on and bringing her little sister in the world. I am so thankful for eternal families!

I looked at my pictures of Madelyn that night for the first time in a while and just smiled. She looks a lot like the 3D ultrasound pictures we have of this second one. I realized I loved baby #2 just as much as I love Madelyn, and that's okay.

I'm still that annoying person who reminds people that this is my second child. I still discuss my pregnancy and labor of Madelyn like it was normal and didn't end horribly and I can tell some people think it's weird. (Hey, I already pushed one human out of my vagina. That's a big accomplishment. I'm not gonna act like it didn't happen!) We have pictures of her in our house. I thank Heavenly Father for her in my prayers. I may be overjoyed for the impending birth of #2, but #1 still has a huge place in my heart. I think that's what I needed these 9 months for- figuring out how to fit them both in there. How to honor one, while welcoming the other. How to love them both equally without feeling guilt. I am sure it will be an up-and-down battle through the years, but I think I am getting it figured out pretty well right now.

I am just so thankful for both these little girls.

I'm a lucky mama. My heart is full of love.

Madelyn at 6 months. New baby at 9 months.

Both at 34 weeks. Madelyn on left.

Both at 15 weeks. Madelyn on left.