the journey to getting pregnant

Please forgive me as I flood your news feed with pregnancy posts for a little bit.
I promise it won't always be this way.

Getting pregnant the second time was a very different process than getting pregnant the first time. With Madelyn, I went off birth control and BAM- we were pregnant. Before we even started trying the second time I knew it would be harder. For a million different reasons.

I want to preface this by saying that I did not suffer from or understand the pains of infertility. I just had a different journey this time and wanted to document it.

We started trying as soon as my monthly visitor came back, which was about 7 weeks after we lost Madelyn (beginning of June). Well the 4h of July rolled around and I hadn't gotten my period and really started to think it might happen. Several negative pregnancy tests told me otherwise. My period finally came two weeks late. People told me that was kind of normal after just giving birth so I tried not to dwell on it. 

I went all of August without a period. My 49 day cycle ended in September. I didn't get any positive ovulation test strips, or any positive pregnancy tests. It was at this point that I also fell into an awful depression. A combination of finally allowing myself to grieve Madelyn, and the fact that I was having irregular cycles threw me into the worst months of my life. I never stopped crying. We were so ready for a baby, we had come so close, and she was ripped from us. Then I couldn't even ovulate. It was really hard.

By the beginning of October, I still hadn't gotten any positive ovulation tests and I knew something was wrong. I called my doctor but wouldn't be able to see her for a few more weeks. When I finally got in, she prescribed me some Clomid and I began immediately; because my third period in 6 months had just started. 

A nurse called me 4 weeks later with the results for my bloodwork- I didn't ovulate. I was crushed. Not only was I not ovulating on my own, I wasn't even ovulating with drugs specifically designed to make me ovulate! I wanted them to up my dose from 50mg to 100mg, but they didn't for some reason. I started another lovely period over Thanksgiving (my cycles had thankfully shortened to 35 days), and started another round of Clomid. 

The day before we left for England, I got another phone call telling me I didn't ovulate. Wahoo! This time they would up my does of Clomid, but that this was the last month they would prescribe me Clomid, and then they would have to refer me to a fertility specialist. There was a HUGE mess up with the prescription. The nurse only called in the order for a drug to make me start my period instead of the Clomid, but by the time we picked up the prescription, my doctor was gone and it took 30 minutes to get ahold of the on call doctor who said she sent over the right prescription but every time we called the pharmacy, they said they didn't have it. It was now almost midnight and we had to leave for the airport at 5am. Finally, the pharmacy got it. I checked that it said "Clomid" on the label and we were out the door and off to sleep.

A little after Christmas, I started my period. Just like I thought I would. The night before I was to start my last round of Clomid, I picked up the bottle and realized that it was the incorrect dosage. It was 50mg.. Not 100. I cried half the night. This was my last month of Clomid, and it was the wrong dosage. And I was out of the country. I already knew 50mg didn't work. I was so broken at that point. I felt like I'd been met with disappointment at every turn. Nothing was working out.

My husband and mom convinced me to take it anyway. After that night, I knew I needed to let go. I was so tightly wound and my entire life the past 8 months had revolved around mourning one baby and obsessively trying to get pregnant with another. I knew that the real problem with my body wasn't ovulation. It was stress, fatigue, and depression. I decided I'd take the Clomid, but try to not think about it. I wouldn't go in for the blood test. I wouldn't do ovulation test strips. I wouldn't even test for pregnancy until I was several weeks late. I had had so many negative pregnancy tests by that point, it was hard to even think about getting another one. (It was especially fun if I would call and tell my doctor I got a negative test and they would tell me to test again in two days. Like it was a game: how many negative pregnancy tests can she take until she explodes!)

January was the calmest month of my life. I stopped planing my life around a baby and getting pregnant. I felt that I really, officially made my peace with Madelyn's death. We decided to move to start a new chapter and move on. We found the perfect place. We decided to get a 1 bedroom. No use in paying rent for an empty room the way we have done for the past year. 

I knew that no matter what; no matter what drugs I took or what vitamins the internet suggested, I would get pregnant when The Lord felt it was right. It felt amazing to finally let go of control and turn it over I Him. I felt so light. 

On Friday, February 7th, the day before we moved into our one bedroom, I was 2 weeks late. I was dreading taking a test. I had convinced myself it was negative and I just didn't ever want to test again. But I felt a prompting to test, and I happened to find a random digital pregnancy test while we were packing. When the word "pregnant" flashed on the screen, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I ran around the apartment and I sobbed and screamed and prayed and didn't know what the heck was happening to me. A small piece of me felt like it might happen this month, but I hadn't allowed myself to have any hope in so long, that I squashed those thoughts every time they popped up.

I fully realize that 8 months is not that long to try for a baby. I count myself very lucky. But every day I woke up without my precious baby girl, Madelyn, was a dagger in my side. It still is sometimes. My little girl is supposed to be turning 1 soon. It rips me apart that she's not here. I had started to think I may never have a baby to fill this hole Madelyn left. And that terrified me. I know this new baby won't fix the pain or change the fact that I lost a huge piece of my heart. But it's already been bringing the light back to my life. It's helping me feel again. I enjoy the old things I used to, like going out and being a part of the world. I don't hide from pregnant women and cry when I see babies. This little baby is bringing the real Kaitlin back. I could not be more thankful.